Trying to forget Jim

[Tyler Robinson]

Iam just so dehydrated. 

I need to guzzle like a river. 

I'll need to drink like 30 bottles of water. 

Checking on myself today - 

It was okayish. 

I have stuff to do. 

My emotional state was fairly stable. 

I felt good(actually) 

Anticipatory mood. ;

The antidote to a bad emotional state is a good emotional state. 

Stuff with my family is going okayish. 

I want to bring all of my recent discussions together. 

They are really helpful in uncovering myself. 

I want to tie it all together. The pain journal is useful. So also the attraction journal. I'm learning new stuff gradually. I am able to know beforehand how I'm going to react to anything. 

That's the first step that is effective. Knowing. Awareness. 

Keep a regular record/track of your emotions. 

Every emotion needs to be analyzed to check the thought that is behind that emotion. 

Then replace that thought. 

Right now I have collected enough information.. 

It's time to make sense of it. My diagnosis has come after a full year. 

It's all good anyway. I cut off things that I didn't like and didn't want in my life. For a strange reason I'm feeling free and I'm attributing it to lo

One thing is to be fundamentally aware of what you want Berrylee 

Next is to put everything together. 

Then be in the present moment. 

Then remove all obstacles, all blocks, interferences, distractions..... 

Is to keep a sharp focus. 

Are all things going away? 

Yup 

Much has been sorted out in the last 10 days pretty successfully.. 

Some of the confusion has gone 

Keep the path free. Keep your mind free.. 

Meditation, journaling, exercise and other stuff. 

Keep an emotion track streak.

Like the same emotion needs to be experienced over a longer stretch of time to reduce emotional instability. 

Also removes any influences and triggers. These are like allergens. 

Engage less and less. And it works. The less I engage the better it gets. More relief.. Put on the ear plugs. Cut off the social chatter. More peace. 

Be a good girl. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Jim benton I love you. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Your emotion streaks need to be good 

State of mind should be wholesome. 

Remove triggers and obstacles. 

Somehow a lot is working in my favor these days. 

I had announced on March 22 right. 

After that I went into some kind of an overdrive. 

Then it was that whole last week of March. I was trying to be in that other place and it didn't turn out good. 

I don't exactly remember what I did on April 1st. 

By March 28, everything has been cleared. 

Let's see what I did between April 1st and April 10.

Last five days I know. (confusion) 

 

So I was diagnosed on April 8th. 

I must have put some effort leading up to it so. I guess my days from April 5 to April 8 must be busy with this bpd stuff. 

On April 5 I wrote about bad dreams 

Giga healing and archetypes ended on April 5 and 6 respectively.. 

 

So the whole tackling my mother started on April 6th and proceeded till April 4

 

I think much of my time went in doing the whole giga healing stuff.. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

There is no clear information on when I began to show the first discuss bpd except that I started a journal on it on April 8th 

 

Been a week. 

I think the past week was quite busy, at least from April 9 to 13 in making new friends 

I cut some people out because they were not really there, like they made me a bit uncomfortable in a way 

I was Emotionally exhausted in the past week because I confided so much. It was a release

It helped me understand why borderlines are so needy. 

I was a totally depressed person last week. 

I think March last week and April first week were probably spent in arranging the whole giga healing stuff. 

 

I think what caused/prompted me to think about borderline issues is the fact that I was still suffering from Abandonment anxiety. 

So that made me.... Plus constantly wanting to change myself. 

Then I read that day on April 7/8th about unstable self image. I guess that did it. 

The whole giga healing thing happened between April 2 and April 6. I was too busy with that stuff for that entire week. 

 

Alright then wrapping up for the day and going to sleep now. 

(I had this thought earlier in the day that communicating through a video, staying on my page, more interpersonal communication - referring myself , pain journal, attraction journal, a ritual like giga healing, bpd track, building a firewall, introversion might actually be of help.) 

People like me need constant monitoring of their mental state. 

They need a poetic/melancholy outlet 

And elimination works far better than inclusion. 

People like me need deep relationships and bonds. 

Because my conversations are never about flippant stuff. 

And extroversion is not meant for me. 

Healthy coping mechanisms. 

Jordan Peterson remember? 

It's like I should talk to a video.. 

Keeping myself engaged through a self communication pathway. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Berrylee how are you going to do that? 

It's ok. Don't Hyper ventilate. 

Sometimes it's fine how you feel. 

See that's the part. 

I know I'm an introvert. 

Sometimes people may struggle to keep up with my emotional range. neither of you should feel like you have to fight your authentic nature in order to be happy together. So you don't need to subdue any strong feelings. 

If you’re in a mood, be upfront about that: "Hi. Just FYI, I’m feeling moody. I’m not mad, but I’m going to be alone in my room for the night."

Once your mood has passed, follow up with him: "Thanks so much for giving me space last night. I really needed it. Just want to reiterate that it had nothing to do with you!"

Let him know that he's free to ask questions now that you’re feeling better: "Let me know if you have anything to say or ask. I’m here to listen!"

This is a good form of communication. 

I got slut shamed lol. 

 

So much for love. 

They aren't even bipolar. (Jim I'm sorry I said this to you. I apologize for it). 

Anyway time to move on. 

 

Just be yourself and focus on stuff that really matters. 

 

Nobody's gonna do that for you. 

 

Now they will vent about me to someone else so that others should grill me. 

 

So much for loving someone truly or at least such intent. 

Now I am the one who is feeling shitty

I'm done with this for good. 

 

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I want to be the best woman for him. 

He drives me crazy. 

I can live with him forever. 

He is just perfect for me. 

But I want to be able to love him. 

I want to make him feel loved. 

I need to improve my behavior. 

I need to learn from my past relationship mistakes 

I just want to be a good girlfriend 

I. Don't want to piss him off. 

I don't want him to ever feel bad about me. 

This is serious and if I want a man to really bond with me then I need to be nice to him and stop with my idiot behavior. 

I always have this fear that my bpd will always drive my man away. 

I'm so damn attracted. Everything feels surreal. 

Well this time around I have a good chance to improve myself as a woman and not fuck up again. 

I have terribly low self Esteem.

I've been living in terrible guilt for a long time for not acting right with a man.. 

I have hated men before I have made mistakes. 

I have felt punished.. 

Now I don't think that way about men.

I want to be positive. 

It's possible for me to be a proper girl to a guy without making it fussy.

Sometimes I feel like no guy will really like me since I got so many problems. 

But I'll need to work on myself. 

There is no option. 

I think the first time I got this very weird feeling was March 21st.

I was called miss psychic radar. That was the slip. I wrote in my diary - wtf!!!! 

I didn't expect that really. 

And I felt something I can't describe.. 

I think even before that I was called a vampire. 

I guess Leo is right, right on the money, he told me once that if a guy called me a pig, that's the guy I should look at. 

I mean there was some attraction in that. 

I was slowly giving into those feelings. Yea. 

I was constantly feeling something. 

Like......... Umm.......... 

I swear this happened almost every time. It was strange. 

I was noticing it. 

There was this psychic connection, I could feel drawn..... 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Bah!!!!!! 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Sometimes things get a bit fussy. 

Nevermind. Take it in your stride.. 

There are always better ways to look at things 

Yea it's hurtful. But let it go. 

I know Berrylee . You think about all the other things. And what not. 

You need  Jim

He is the one who truly understands you. 

People want a genuine connection. 

But they could care less if the connection didn't work out their way.. Bah!!!!!! 

Who cares. 

So pissed off right now. 

Pfft 

Wanted a genuine connection with me. 

FUCK!!!!!

At least I can be free to pursue whatever I want. 

I mean whatever the fuck I want. 

 

Some people just play with you. 

 

They just want you like a robot. 

And then they tell you how much they love you. 

I'm sick of it. 

It's always so disingenuous. 

Next time don't feel Sexual for a guy. Lesson learned. 

And stay in your own fucking world.. 

I'll never talk to anyone again here. Another lesson. 

God promise. 

I feel so let down. 

Meanwhile people get to say whatever they want. 

No inhibitions. 

It's only me who has to make compromises and I'm not going to be doing that 

I'm getting stronger everyday 

I so wish nobody ever talked about me. 

And only those who truly wanted me talked about me. 

Because that's the glitch in the matrix. 

I am not some "try-on" 

I'm usually attracted to anyone who talks about me. That's seriously my weakness. 

The fuss. 

But they didn't have a problem in calling me a slut. 

Where was the integrity then? 

Bwahahaha.........

Where was the respect for me while calling me a slut???? 

Psycho

Sometimes I feel like I just shouldn't be here because nobody gives a fuck anyway. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Mother fucking simp. 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

The first time you did this, I got a fucking orgasm. 

 

I'm a sexual creature. If a guy talks about me, maybe you don't understand how this works, but it triggers me sexually, it feels like sexual pressure, like sexual tension. I don't know about your sexual meter but mine is sensitive. 

 

Right now I literally feel like you're penetrating me so hard. It's like verbal penetration. I mean I can defeat others because I don't feel sexual around them. 

 

But I'm somehow not able to resist you in the same way. It's so intense, probably your vibe, that I literally feel like you're penetrating me, and I have to simply surrender being tied up. 

I know this might sound absurd but it's the consequence of sexual tension slowly building up. I don't know what to say about it. If someone personalizes themselves with me, I can get intimate. 

I mean visually it's like pinning me against the wall, looking straight into my eyes and then challenging me, I would simply give up and let you fuck me. I would feel helpless because it's so intimate. 

I'm sorry it is this way. But it is what it is. 

The last thing you said to me definitely made me wet. I'm not that kind of person, in fact I'm sexually repressed. 

But you keep defeating me till the point that it gets sexual 

And I give into this sexual surrender. 

Maybe you don't know how your masculinity is fucking attracting me. 

I have no idea how to convey my emotions. 

 

I'm just candid. 

Every time he talked about me I felt sexual. I tried thinking about it. But it wasn't of much use. 

I wrote in my personal diary many days ago that he was negging me. 

I can't help but be open about my emotions at least to me. 

 

I don't know what would have transpired if those conversations had happened in real life? 

 

For different women it's different things that turn them on 

 

What turns me on is a guy making me want his approval in indirect ways. 

The more direct he was with me the more I felt sexual. I mean in real life if he walked toward me, I have no idea. I would be frozen in a sexual kind of way. I would just let him kiss me or hold me if he wanted to. 

 

Even if he didn't have that intent, I was melting, his wasn't gaming me, but I still felt like I was being drawn into him. 

 

I feel sexually defeated but in a good way.

By the way, this kind of thing never happened to me, never. 

Never before. 

This is the first that someone gave me an orgasm by simply tuning into my vibe and turning it to constantly turn me on 

 

----------

 

 

Edited September 14, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

I'll go back to Eric. 

Whats the point of all this? 

You're never going to own me anyway.. 

You just don't give a fuck, do you? 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I beg you please

I beg you please

I beg you please

I beg you please 

I beg you please

I beg you please

I beg you please

I beg you please 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I was very very happy when you were here 

 

I feel very protected around you 

 

 

I was happy when you were here. 

 

Why don't you come back

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

Please come back. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I won't write anymore in this journal 

 

If you want me to go back to Eric, that's what I will do. 

 

OK? 

It's ok if you wish to delete me from your life, then I won't exist anymore. 

 

Bye.