Trying to forget Jim

[Tyler Robinson]

.. 

Dear God, 

 

I came so far from nothing. Why do you let me suffer? 

Why don't you let me go? 

I'm tired of being blamed. 

It's insane why I have to live on this planet earth and then have to live my entire life trying to prove that I am a good person. 

Whats the point of this? 

I'm tired of lovelessness and the lack of empathy. 

I will be fine. God will take care of me. No need to worry. 

I sometimes go through depressive moments. 

Just don't worry. 

God I pray to you to just kill me. There's no point in it at all. 

I just wish to be gone. 

I'm tired of living in constant pain. 

 

 

 

Edited September 14, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

God I hate my family. I feel like they are plotting against me. 

They isolate me on purpose. 

They try to talk to me and I block them. 

I blocked everyone a few days ago. 

Then they find excuses to talk to me. 

Usually they talk nice and then do shit that hurts me. 

Fucking psychopaths. 

They gossip about me behind my back. 

I'm just fed up with such people. 

Not even one person in my life ever tried to understand me. Not one person who did not "not violate" my boundaries. 

I repeatedly requested them to leave me alone. 

Today my mother stole my clothes. Fucking insane bitch. 

I wish nothing but hell for such creeps. 

I feel like my sister is finally going to kill me. 

She plays a lot of games. 

She played games with her husband 

She killed my father. I won't forgive her nor my mother 

She gaslighted me past week by telling me that it was my mother who killed my dad. 

But I know the truth. It wasn't my mother although she had her role to play. 

It was this psychopath sister who killed my dad 

And they want me to bury it. 

I can't. I have suffered severe trauma because of this. 

I can't forget what happened to my dad. 

I became a liar to escape my mom's punishments. 

She is a cruel bitch who would abuse and beat me but pretend to be nice in public.

I hope nothing but hell for both women. 

Women are creepy. They pretend to be nice but they actually destroy a whole family.

They put on a show like my mother used to do. 

My mother is a bipolar narcissist and I won't forget the pain she put me through. 

Now she acts like she cares about me. No. Fucking bitch. Leave me alone and get out of my life. Stop touching and stealing my stuff. 

 

If God sends me to hell, I will find peace away from a toxic world, a family I didn't wish to be born into. 

They are the reason why I got into abusive relationships. 

They find new reasons to talk to me. But it's not meant for my good. 

I don't trust these fucking psychopaths who are planning to kill me. 

They killed my father. Now it's my turn. 

They purposely picked me because if anything happens to me, nobody will find out. 

They know I'm alone and weak. That I can't fight back hard enough. 

So I'm the scapegoat. 

If anything bad happened to me or if I disappeared from planet earth, it will be because of my family. They will have a hand in my disappearance. Just like they had a hand in my father's death 

They will make me disappear. They are slowly planning stuff against me. 

Because they think that I'm not needed

I don't have any friends. So if anything happened to me, nobody will ever know. 

It's best if I'm sent to hell. 

Because only there, there will be some peace for my wretched soul. 

I'm having a bpd meltdown again. I just don't like anything. I don't like this planet, this humanity. Everything is evil.. Including me... 

I was set up. I was designed for failure. 

I was made to endure child abuse so that I could turn out rotten. My whole destiny was planned to make me rot. 

I'm going insane 

I'm evil 

I'm evil 

I'm evil 

I'm evil

Im evil 

I'm evil 

I'm evil

I'm evil

I'm evil 

I'm evil

I belong to hell

Satan take me 

Satan please take me. Please kill me. Put me out. 

I can't take it. 

I want to be abused over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over . That's where I will find freedom.

My freedom lies with an abuser. 

Only an abuser and a predator will set me free. 

Satan liked me. He accepted me. 

He didn't complain about me. He didn't judge me. 

I want to sleep in his arms. 

He can abuse me all he wants. All he desires 

But I feel nice around him. Because he doesn't judge me. 

If I lie to him, he hits me with a belt. Hard on my soles. 

And he places a hot rod on me. 

Whatever he can find to hit me. He has a whole  arsenal. 

I want to lay supine on the floor. 

And watch as Satan looks at me. He is beating me. 

And then he wants to fuck me as hard as possible. 

And punish me again. 

All of this because I lied to him. 

He can do this as much as he wants. 

After some time I feel relief. Because I'm not judged anymore. 

Then he Christens me as his baby. His muse. His wife. His lover. His possession. 

I'm his pure gold. 

He seeks to not give me away to the enemy... 

I'm his abuse child. I'm his toy. His ragdoll.

He can play as his wishes to. 

In this abusive relationship I find peace. 

Because only Satan could have not judged me. 

In a parallel universe, I met bipolar people who weren't mean or bad to me. 

They helped me deal with my mother wound. 

They were nice people. They weren't judging me. They gave me affection. They gave me some food to eat. 

They also placed a blanket on me when I was cold. 

Maybe these bipolar people even wanted to hug me. 

I like them. Maybe they became my friends. Maybe they accepted me. 

It's alternate reality to escape real reality. 

I had to live in virtual reality. I had to live in parallel universes. I had to live in alternate realities. 

I had to escape reality because it was too harsh. 

I yearned and craved for the love and validation of bipolar people. 

You can't lie to them because they are very pissed off when they are lied to. 

But I'm a liar. And I can't help it. 

I wanted bipolar people to love me, to adore me, to want me. To make me one of them. 

I wanted them to validate me. (because in their validation I saw my mother validating me, so it kinda partially helped my mother wound) 

If a bipolar guy liked me, I felt better. 

It meant something important. 

If a narcissist liked me, I felt better. 

It meant I was of some use to these people. 

Yea abusers dominated my life. So I began liking them. It was my only survival. My only cope. STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. 

IF A BIPOLAR PERSON didn't like me, it would make me feel totally ruined and wrecked. Like I was worthless. I was good for nothing. Shattered. Because they don't like me. Why can't they? 

I love them because I cannot be without love. 

All my life I had to love abusers. The only way I knew. 

Why won't they love me? 

I'm not bad after all. 

I could have been so happy with a bipolar person. 

At least they would understand my mental disorder when no one else would. 

In an alternate reality, all bipolar people loved me and treated me like a baby. I crave their approval so badly. 

They didn't discard me. They held me close and placed a sheet underneath me so that my back won't hurt. 

I feel like joining a bipolar community and spreading havoc. Just letting them know that I have a love hate relationship with them. 

Just one wretched borderline like me would be enough to displease all of them. Rattle them. Rile them up.. Act ratchet and shit. 

All of this so that they finally realize that I need their love, not hate and judgement. 

But I know deep down they won't hate me if I cried to them. 

They will place a sheet underneath me and make me lay down and watch  me. I'll scream like a terrified child. 

And then they will tell me that they love me and shush me. 

And maybe they will wrap their arms around me. And check each and every wound on me and slowly nurse me. 

I'll be crying and wailing my arms, crying even louder as they turn my body over and over and check my wounds. 

I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm wounded. I'm in despair. I'm in pain. 

They will know that I'm hurting badly. 

And then they will tell me that everything is going to be alright. 

And I'll feel heard and understood and accepted.

Only if someone had loved me the way I needed to be loved. I would have stopped screaming. 

The bipolar people I met were slightly better than my mom. 

Hers is not just bipolar. She is a fucking narcissist, the overt type of narcissist, a total control freak who loves to control every aspect of my life. 

I know bipolar people can be a bit controlling. But hers is just over the top. And creepy. 

My bipolar ex boyfriends were controlling. It's ok. I understand that they wanted and  needed to control me. I'm used to it. I'm used to being controlled so I don't complain about it anymore. 

They can control me in a healthy way where I don't feel too restricted or burdened. 

I won't complain. As long as I can trust their control. 

A person needs a very big heart to love me. I'm not an easy person. I am too crazy and erratic and insane and troubled. I'm autistic on top of that. 

To love me is to understand that I'm flawed. To love me is to understand that I am weak morally. To love me is to understand that I don't mean harm. I'm just a petulant child disrupting the whole house 

 

To love me is to understand that my anger comes from trauma. 

 

To love me is to understand that I'll always be a liar. That won't change even in a lifetime. 

If I ever stopped being a liar, that would be a miracle. 

But my heart is made of gold. In my heart there is no Malice. I have never wanted bad for anyone. I have wanted good even for those who hated me the most. 

If I could trade my life for someone's happiness, I gladly would. 

There is no darkness in my heart. No jealousy. There is no mal intent. 

My intent was always pure. My eyes are innocent. My soul is without blemish. 

My mind is child like. I was born this way. 

 

God planted a good soul in me. 

My karma is blank. 

But some day my soul will have to separate itself from this existence. 

I can't take the atrocity anymore. I don't think I am suitable for this world. There is too much competition. I feel tormented. 

I was born innocent. But I was violated over the next decade after my birth and damaged and left ravaged with all kinds of wounds and scars. 

My soul had to go through abuse, torment, despair and pain 

It was undeserved 

I feel like I was incapacitated. 

On top of that I was judged for little things. I never had a decent chance at peace of mind. 

My soul belongs to an ethereal existence. Because I can't deal with materialism. It's just too cruel. I can't deal with a stage orange world.. 

I'm too innocent for this world. I need to die or be sent to hell to rest in peace 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

I wish Angelic hands of bipolar people would come to me in death and set me free from my pain. 

Set me free because the only world I can belong to is a world of love and softness. 

Is a world where I will be gently laid down to rest. 

I crave love so badly and in death I will be free.

I wish I had died in your arms. That would have been a fitting ending. 

I didn't deserve life anyway. 

 

I sometimes imagine that your love came back to rescue me from my pain. 

You came like a hawk and swooped over my head, picked me up by one of your talons and took me away to your world of love and protection. 

 

I did whatever he told me to.

I genuinely believed in the deepest depths of my heart that you were my savior. That's how I looked at you 

Why didn't you kill me? I wish you could kill me and you wouldn't have to go to jail. 

I desperately needed to die at your hands.. Because living without you is shitty and awful. 

 

Why didn't you kill me and finish it off? 

You would have put me out of my misery. 

Your love made me feel like heaven. You were the only person in my life that made me feel like I wanted to be belonged. 

Then you took it all away abruptly leaving me scrambling for the love I lost. 

Why this torture? 

I should have begged you to finish me off. 

When you said that you wanted to turn my skin into an umbrella, I should have told you to go ahead and satisfy your wicked fantasy. 

Living without your love is 1000 times worse. 

I feel awful. 

I used to feel happy when you used to be around me. When we would talk. When you told me we were one. 

I felt it. I felt it in my bones. Your love was my ultimate happiness, my ultimate gateway to peace. 

Your love was my medicine. 

Your love was my bandaid. 

Your love was soothing me. 

I beg you to show me love, even if it is from a distance. 

I can't cut my cord with you. 

You're the only guy I ever wanted. 

I feel like this is on purpose. 

I still love you. 

I think God wanted our souls to unite. 

That's how I feel. 

I can actually see our souls uniting. 

Your eyes meeting mine. 

Your name is Benton. But I'll call you Ophraduss. 

Ophraduss I think of you everyday. 

Not realizing whether it was true or not. 

It hurts everytime. 

The separation. 

The separation of our souls. 

Was it never true? 

I'll love you till my last breath. 

I could never have closure. 

The love that you gave me was my only medicine. 

I told you that I will wait at the grave. 

Somehow every word you said to me is etched into me. 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

And then one day you were alive, back from the dead 

You held my hand. 

You laid me down. You told me to stay calm. 

And we were love birds once again in ethereal time. 

 

I don't know what I could write about you. 

Because so much was already said. 

And then so much was left unsaid. 

We could have never locked eyes. We could have never made it. 

And when we did look into each other, we would have never wanted to be separated. 

You gave me immense love and protection. 

You healed me at least partially. 

The words that couldn't escape my lips. 

And then suddenly one day, everything turned from warmth to coldness. 

 

Ophraduss, I have one request. 

 

Build me a prison. 

And punish me and keep me in it. 

Cut my wings forever. 

 

Just let me be there. 

 

It's like your vibration still comes to me in waves. I still feel it. 

Our words had that power. 

Reminiscent of old times. 

You have always been in my heart. 

The same song plays in my mind over and over. 

It reminds me of our ethereal bond. 

The way you touched my face. 

 

 

Ophraduss 

Through your cord I was healing a bit. 

You held my hand. You said things would be alright. 

You would appear in my dreams. 

You were my healer.... 

 

I've a strange bond with you. 

Sometimes I feel like you really cared about me. 

Sometimes I feel like it wasn't real. 

I don't know which one. 

But then you told me it was genuine. 

 

Now it feels like nobody can come between us. We are finally one. 

You see it. 

I see it. 

We know deep down that there is no space between us when we touch. 

 

This particular chapter of my life has been incredibly painful. 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

I still remember each and every word.. 

I was in a dream like state. 

The only thing I could remember were your words.

You whispering into me. 

I feel sick. I feel ill. But your words were the only thing that gave me something to hold on to. 

Ophraduss 

Are you going to tell me that life has no meaning? 

That life is a meaningless frame of space and time. 

Even in my spirit form we will keep talking to each other through vacuum 

And now you and I meet in a parallel universe. 

You have turned into a figment of my imagination. 

 

That's where we stay...... Story continues. 

 

Somehow you have a calming effect on me. 

You are beautiful.. 

 

There are a lot of lessons I learned from you Benton

 

I think I should let go of my fixation with bipolar people. 

Just because my mother has bipolar. 

How does it matter? 

Does it only matter because she has bipolar?

Its fine. Bipolar is an identity. 

Anything that has identity is innocent. 

It's anything that is without an identity that should be held to scrutiny. 

Hmm. 

Just because my mother has bipolar.... 

My mother should not be my object of concern. It doesn't matter 

I should look at this philosophically 

Why does it matter that she is my mom? 

Why is this important to me? 

Because she is blood. 

Why does a blood relative matter? 

Because survival matters. 

We're bonded to our families. 

So my mother has bipolar is simply another illusion of reality that I must accept as long as I'm bonded to reality. 

Reality produces trauma and thus I get bonded to this trauma 

Escaping reality is escaping this trauma. 

 

I'm trauma bonded to bipolar people sadly. 

They remind me of my mom. 

Although most bipolar people I met were only slightly similar to her. There were key differences. Some of the bipolar people I met were much more matured than her. 

I like bipolar people because maybe through liking them, I'm showing love to my mother? 

I don't know. 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

 

But I have a renewed sense of appreciation for bipolar people. They helped me understand her. 

I saw that most bipolar people just keep to themselves. They also have a savior complex. 

They do scrutinize everything way Harder than others. 

I will categorize most bipolar people as INTP. 

They are very logical, a fact I don't really like because I'm mostly illogical irrational much of the time. 

 

 

Although it's very tempting for me to want to be around bipolar people in an effort to reconnect with my mother, I should let it go 

There's no point. I will never get a closure. I will never get the validation I'm looking for. 

This will only be an unsuccessful half hearted endeavor in me unsuccessfully trying to bond with bipolar people. 

 

 

I think I should let bipolar people go. 

 

They simply won't understand my level of irrationality. 

It's impossible for them. 

They will find me too weird and absurd and it won't work.. 

 

I can't imagine being with another borderline. Because we both will be two irrational people in one place not having a direction. Although emotionally we would understand each other perfectly. 

 

Ughhhhhhh. 

 

 

I'm left with no option but to be in a relationship with super narcissistic codependent people because they need a  supply and I'll be their supply. 

They shouldn't be bipolar because then they can flip out on me. They shouldn't be too logical.. 

But I don't want another narcissist. They are very unemotional 

. 

 

I think I should be with a person who is slightly narcissistic, understanding, emotional and supportive but neither borderline nor bipolar. 

 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

 

Things I learned from Benton - 

He was an ENFP. He was logical. I think ENFP are a bit closer to INTP. And I'm attracted to ENFP, INTP, INTJ. 

I'm yet to meet an INFJ. That would be explosive. I don't know how it would be. INFJ are deep people. And I am an INFJ. 

Benton would need someone who is more sensitive to his needs. Which I cannot be. 

 

That I need a more loyal partner. 

The relationship did not work because 

• We were grossly incompatible 
• Our emotional wavelength was off with him only superficially acknowledging me 
• We were intense and impulsive 
• Lack of loyalty. We were both suspicious. 
• My habitual lying 
• He is too logical 
• I'm too emotional 
• There was little communication. 
• Sometimes I felt distance 
• The intimacy was strong 
• He trusted me but that was only in words 
• There was domination but it wasn't healthy 
• He only partially ticked my needs in a partner. There were other things that were missing 
• I am more dreamy and romantic. 

Other things I learned from Benton - 

 

• His passion for spirituality is awesome 
• I learned about respectful communication in a relationship 
• That I can never be with someone who blocks communication. 
• Communication is absolutely important to Borderlines. Any breakdown of communication is a sign that the relationship is a mess and unworkable 
• He underestimated my Borderline disorder and thought that he could manage me. He was very wrong. Because borderlines are highly unstable people. We are not maniacal in the sense we are not going to hold onto something or go raging about it. But we need consolation. We need to be treated like scared kids. We need an overwhelming sense of support in a relationship to feel normal and healthy. 
• Benton underestimated my trust needs. He failed to exhibit trust. He told me that he trusted me. But he would suspect me all the time. So there was a certain inconsistency there. Because the actions did not Match the words. If you told a borderline that you trust them, they would be overjoyed because that's the one biggest thing from their partner - to be able to trust and to be trusted. Trust is the biggest thing a borderline needs in a relationship. 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

Other things I learned from Benton - 

Hmm.

I'm trying to Contemplate hard on all the things that went wrong between us. 

- one thing being that two people with mental disorders can't really be in a relationship.. 

At first I thought it was possible. 

Other things I learned from Benton - 

- he took for granted how severely mentally ill I was. 

Yea I was his stereotypical Emo girl. That he was attracted to. 

 

But he did not take into consideration my attachment needs. 

In hindsight I feel that I should have been more careful with letting him into my life. He was the nicest person I ever met. But the timing was horrible. 

I felt like I wasn't in the right space to have him in my life, In fact I never was.. 

 

Lack of communication hampers the attachment that borderlines feel 

 

He was an ENFP and a perfect match for me so I thought. Since I'm an INFJ and INFJs are generally romantically attracted to ENFPs.. 

 

 

Other things I learned from Benton - 

- one of the most important lessons in the relationship was that I wasn't really compatible with him 

 

Of course I always wanted someone like Benton and he is in some ways a corner-stone in my life in the sense that he taught me a lot about intimacy in relationships, something I simply wasn't aware of. 

I still have this soft spot for him. 

 

I needed someone just as warm as he is. 

The thing with bipolar people is that they are a bit warm blooded.. They can really go Hyper even when the situation doesn't warrant it. 

I miscalculated this part with Benton. 

Although my energy as a borderline is just as hyper if not more. In fact borderlines can be hyper to the extreme in comparison to a bipolar person. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

  

The last thing I would say about Benton is that I needed someone just as warm as he was. His affection for me was a huge source of my attraction to him 

One day I asked him why he wanted to date a crazy girl like me. And his reply was - I like your kind of crazy. 

I guess I turned out to be way more crazier than he could handle and I don't blame him for it. 

 

But he was overly sensitive. Of course for an emotional girl like me, I was naturally attracted to sensitive guys. I can never be around an emotionally obtuse guy who doesn't pick up what I'm feeling in the moment. 

The special part about Benton was that he was the right balance of emotional and logic. I guess this is what you get to see in an extroverted ENFP. 

He was emotional during moments when my bpd would flare up. 

And then when he would think, his thinking brain was straight, never falling out of logic. 

My logic was mostly emotional logic. Although he understood it his mind didn't abide by it. 

In hindsight I needed someone more cooler than Benton, someone that won't take me too seriously in a moment, but understand and empathize my emotional nature on a meta level. 

 

Maybe a cooler version of Benton is what I was looking for. 

The other things I learned is that relationships take time to forge. It's not one month thing. It takes a lot of time to understand and want each other fully. Benton was trying to hurry up this process. Before we could sit down and tally each other's flaws. I can understand him being impulsive. Because I'm impulsive too.. 

But the lesson is to just hang around cooler folks who take much longer to vibe and connect and form a bond based on deep trust. 

 

 

I think the reason why me and Benton had such a tense relationship is because we could not really trust each other fully. 

 

For now I don't have much to say about Jim.. 

Maybe some day I'll revisit the guy I passionately fell in love with 

 

Jim can only exist in a parallel universe. 

Benton I'll call you Jim. 

 

 

Jim, everything is going to be good. That's how I feel. In every waking moment I think of you and all the love that we shared. You and I became one. Without you, I'm a lonely soul, just wandering like a broken leaf in the end. 

Jim you promised me that you will meet me at the grave. Now what happened to those promises. 

When we met, our souls became one 

 

 

Why didn't God just kill me instead of giving me endless pain? 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

I'm an idiot. 

I'm delusional. 

I'm a crazy bitch 

I'm a piece of shit 

I'm a loser 

I'll make a horrible girlfriend

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now you won't want to date me. 

 

I'm imagining my future husband. And yes beautiful things I want to create with him. 

 

 

Well I'm not going to be in any trouble, my husband Jim told me that. 

 

 

What's the other thing that Jim told me? 

- is to be my authentic self. Don't reduce yourself to other people's garbage. 

 

That truth always shines like a diamond in the rough. 

 

And don't care about Validation or rewards. 

That I should do me. Always. 

 

 

Wish we could go on a beautiful honeymoon together at the beach. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

So.... 

I was at a party last week March. And my friends got some cocktail mocktail stuff. I was very thirsty because it's summer time the most cruel time for me. So drank what they gave me. There was a guy I had been familiar with whose name is Robson. (name changed for privacy). He was laughing with me, making some jokes. As the night went on, I was losing my sense of self. And I began to laugh and giggle wildly. Hazy memory. I'm still suffering. Then he kinda pulled my arm and gestured me to walk to his car. He told me that he will show me something. I kinda laughed and agreed to walk with him. He kept walking and dragging me by the arm and this continued for a long time. At some point I felt I was far away from the crowd that he had isolated me from. I could not see those people anymore. This guy Robson lived in the Beehive National Park. That's where all of this went down. He then dragged me by my arm and took me to his car. Once inside the car, he offered me a drink and I drank. I was too thirsty and tired from all the walking. I was sitting in the back of the car. He came to the back and began to touch me. He pushed me down on the seat and began to remove my clothes. I resisted and kept struggling my way out. I tried getting a grip on the door knob but my hands couldn't reach there so I kinda slid my body a bit upwards and now I could get a full grip of the handle, I turned it and the car door flung open because of the weight of my body. I got out with great difficulty but now my head was spinning. I began to walk and kinda run but slowly. I was tripping. So I tried running faster but my vision was blurry. When I ran I stumbled upon a tiny rock and kinda fell because of some obstacle.. He came behind me. I was on the ground, laying on my stomach. Hurt and tired. I could see his feet when I looked down at my feet. He had shoes. He was wearing a hoodie/like a blue Grey  checkered flannel and a black shirt inside. I kept kicking his feet with my shoe in an attempt to frighten him. But my kicking was like bunny kicks, it had no impact on him and he seemed to be smiling back at me. I was nervous and my heart was pounding.Then he lifted me slowly by my arm and then took my whole body into his arms (like carrying someone). And took me back into the forest.I could see thick bushes, big trees and all leaves on the floor, it was dark in the night. I could barely see anything. Then he lay me on the floor of the forest. I could see flashes of light that illumined his face in the night. He then asked me if I needed something. My heart was still pounding. I gave him a blank stare. 

 

I was in an inebriated state so I couldn't move my body. I was exhausted, tired and hurt from all the walking and running. He got up and left me alone for a while. Then I saw him coming back from the distance carrying rope in his hand and there was a shiny silvery object in his other hand. As he got closer I realized the shiny object was a big knife. He sat near my feet and began cutting the rope with the knife. He cut the rope into small pieces. He then threw the knife and it landed next to my body. He proceeded to tie my ankles with the rope. I was feeling hurt because it was so tight. Then he suddenly  got on top of me. Then he looked into my eyes. I was in and out of consciousness. He began kissing me. I kept pushing him off. I pushed him hard with my hands and arms. I was struggling to get out of his grip.I grabbed the knife and kept shoving in into his face and he grabbed my hand really hard. He began smiling my hand was shaking and I couldn't get a grip on the knife, I dropped the knife and he immediately grabbed the knife and flung it far away. He then took his right hand and grabbed one one of my wrists. My wrists are tiny. So he reached for the other wrist and grabbed both of my wrists with his one hand. With his other hand he kept unzipping his pants. I could feel his penis on my body. He then inserted something into me. I felt something going inside. I raised my head to see what it was. It was a green bottle. I began moaning. After a while, I was feeling very thirsty. I told him that I needed some water. He got up and left. I was feeling weak. 

He came back with a water bottle. He gave me some water to drink. Then he got back on top of me. He began to choke me by placing his hands on my neck and tightening his grip. I began to feel dizzy.He then lifted me up, like made me sit back up. He placed me on his lap and kept rocking me back to consciousness. Then he asked me if I trust him. I said yes out of fear. He then hugged me tightly, extremely tight and began to feel my chest by pressing his chest against it. My heart was pounding. He then said that I was lying, that if I really trusted him, I wouldn't be shaking in fear and my heart wouldn't have been beating so fast. Then he whispered and told me that I should not lie to him.I asked him if he was going to kill me. He said no. I felt a bit relaxed when he said no. Then he untied my legs. Picked me up and carried me to his car. He placed me in the back of the car. I was exhausted and moaning and was half sleepy. He drove the car for a few minutes, maybe half an hour. I had no idea where he was going. He kept glancing back at me periodically during the time he was driving. Then he drove to a spot deep into a backroad of gravel and dirt and stopped. It was surrounding the edge of the forest park. He then got out of the car and got into the back and sat next to me. He caressed my face and told me everything would be alright. I asked him if he had raped me. He said that the only thing he did was kiss me. Then he got closer and pulled my face and began kissing my lips and gave me long kisses multiple times. I was completely frozen with fear because I thought he was about to rape me. I didn't protest, I thought protesting him might make him violent and aggressive so I kept quiet 

He then dropped me home and told me to not think much of it. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

He then dropped me home and told me to not think much of it. 

At times I felt cared for. Because he did not kill me. He let me live. He even cared when I was dizzy and thirsty. 

The incident deeply traumatized me and I felt upset after that. I began to suffer panic and anxiety for days and I would keep to myself. I didn't want to be social or talk to anyone. Then on nights he would call me and talk to me the whole night. I was ill and mentally unstable. I was feeling numb and out of myself. I couldn't remember things and began suffering memory issues. It was as if I was just lost and had no track of time or awareness. There was zero awareness and I was living in a blur. I would wake up to eat something, then go back to sleep. My sleep schedule was out of whack. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

The incident deeply traumatized me and I felt upset after that. I began to suffer panic and anxiety for days and I would keep to myself. I didn't want to be social or talk to anyone. 

Then on nights he would call me and talk to me the whole night. I was ill and mentally unstable. I was feeling numb and out of myself. I couldn't remember things and began suffering memory issues. It was as if I was just lost and had no track of time or awareness. There was zero awareness and I was living in a blur. I would wake up to eat something, then go back to sleep. My sleep schedule was out of wack. 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Please do not comment on this journal. I like to have my privacy respected. 

You might think that I'm depressed or deluded, whatever, just leave me to myself. 

The incidents and experiences described in this journal are very intimate and traumatic for me. It's a very personal journal. 

I don't want any intrusion in my most personal space. 

Thanks. 

And if you don't like it, just don't read it. 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Thank you Jim 

I'm extremely grateful to you for being back with me. 

I love you. 

I always knew that you will be the only one who would never betray me. 

And I love you for that. 

Now that my future husband Jim is with me I have nothing to worry about. 

He will take care of things for me. 

I look up to him lovingly.. 

I'm happy once again. 

I lovingly call him Jim and I shower all of my love on to him. He is my absolute inspiration and my future husband. 

Love you. Kissssss. 

Jim Benton I love you...... Muaaah!! 

This is how you make me feel. 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

I live in a complex world of emotions. 

My emotions are quite fragile, intimate, intricate, deep, unusual, subtle, and still beautiful. 

They are beautiful. 

But they can be misleading. 

It's so unusual and so hilarious when people think it's all in your head but it's so not. 

Everything is cause and effect. 

Wherever there's smoke there's fire. 

In my case as well. 

Dear Berrylee 

Nothing is lost. People who play victim are always going to be that way. You did nothing wrong. 

Just be yourself and carry on. 

You felt the way you felt and there was absolutely nothing wrong about it. 

But be a bit more tough skinned. 

Try not to take things to heart too soon. 

Be vulnerable yet not conquerable. 

Your heart is a litmus test. What it feels is what's true deep down. Pay careful attention to what it says. 

You are beautiful and strong. Loving and free. 

The better you feel the better you'll get

 

Dear Berrylee 

You won this. Yay. You won this you know. 

Now there's no more confusion. 

Things are going well again. 

You overcame a huge hurdle. 

You got this. Finally you know what happened. 

You can now take off. 

It's all coming together. Victory. 

Also, all chapters are slowly closing. 

It's happening. 

Now finally after a long struggle of confusion, there's hope and a breakthrough. 

I told my mom everything today and she cried. 

Dear Berrylee 

Dear Berrylee 

 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

.. 

From now on, things are going to be a bit more pleasant. I really feel like now I'm in control of my emotions better than before. 

I know things better than before. 

There will be hurdles, still... I'm positive. 

One thing with my emotions is the flow. The flow needs to be flat and stable. 

No major or minor hiccups. Constant monitoring is the key. 

What remains in the end is you yourself. 

That's what remains. 

You know when someone is with you, it's once again you. 

You just don't get it. 

I'm a woke girl you know. 

Yes I'm a woke girl. 

If you are hurt, then I'm hurt a thousand times more. 

To shame others is to reject who they are. 

I'm done. 

I feel defeated. 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Maybe I'm wired differently. The problem is that if you get too close to me, I get sexual. My brain is wired in such a way that if a guy is hovering all around me, I begin to feel his pheromones. You don't get it because you can't feel like a woman. I'm a woman, I can't help feeling like a woman? 

Do you feel my vagina? 

Do you think it's wet? 

I got wet. Fuck. 

I can't help it. 

Because you do this every time. This sexual pressure which is kinda indirect. 

I don't feel this way around other guys but why around you? 

Because you're kinda holding my pulse so hard and maybe you are enjoying it. I don't know. 

The first time you did this, I got a fucking orgasm. 

I'm a sexual creature. If a guy talks about me, maybe you don't understand how this works, but it triggers me sexually, it feels like sexual pressure, like sexual tension. I don't know about your sexual meter but mine is sensitive. 

Right now I literally feel like you're penetrating me so hard. It's like verbal penetration. I mean I can defeat others because I don't feel sexual around them. 

But I'm somehow not able to resist you in the same way. It's so intense, probably your vibe, that I literally feel like you're penetrating me, and I have to simply surrender being tied up. 

I know this might sound absurd but it's the consequence of sexual tension slowly building up. I don't know what to say about it. If someone personalizes themselves with me, I can get intimate. 

I mean visually it's like pinning me against the wall, looking straight into my eyes and then challenging me, I would simply give up and let you fuck me. I would feel helpless because it's so intimate. 

I'm sorry it is this way. But it is what it is. 

The last thing you said to me definitely made me wet. I'm not that kind of person, in fact I'm sexually repressed. 

But you keep defeating me till the point that it gets sexual 

And I give into this sexual surrender. 

Maybe you don't know how your masculinity is fucking attracting me. 

I have no idea how to convey my emotions. 

I'm just candid. 

Every time he talked about me I felt sexual. I tried thinking about it. But it wasn't of much use. 

I wrote in my personal diary many days ago that he was negging me. 

I can't help but be open about my emotions at least to me. 

I don't know what would have transpired if those conversations had happened in real life?

For different women it's different things that turn them on 

What turns me on is a guy making me want his approval in indirect ways. 

The more direct he was with me the more I felt sexual. I mean in real life if he walked toward me, I have no idea. I would be frozen in a sexual kind of way. I would just let him kiss me or hold me if he wanted to. 

Even if he didn't have that intent, I was melting, his wasn't gaming me, but I still felt like I was being drawn into him. 

I feel sexually defeated but in a good way.

By the way, this kind of thing never happened to me, never. 

Never before. 

This is the first that someone gave me an orgasm by simply tuning into my vibe and turning it to constantly turn me on 

I'll transfer this entry later on in that journal. 

It's tough for me if a man has such a strong influence on me. 

I just can't help it, can I? 

The least that I can do is be as honest as possible about how I feel. 

His objectivity is kinda sharp for me. 

I want to know about a virgo. Do they have some influence 

I Googled about virgo and pisces and this is what I get. 

The zodiac compatibility between Pisces and Virgo is extremely peaceful and harmonious. They both know what they want from the relationship, and will give each other the time to settle into the same. Virgo, with its practicality and knowledge, gives direction to the Piscean's idealistic dreams.

He calms me down. Why would I be so interested in someone if nothing was happening inside me? 

Now I feel like this is what I was looking for? 

I'm not sure. 

Everything always comes to me rather unexpected. 

I have never felt this sexual in my life. 

This whole day I thought about him and I had such intense orgasms 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

He was like the guy in my dreams, like one of my imaginary characters I had dreamt up.. 

He was making me feel exactly the way I wanted to feel. 

He was saying things that were challenging my femininity in some way. It was weird yet it worked. 

And I don't think any other guy had ever achieved this before. 

Maybe it was all in my head. 

Well it was what It was. 

At least it gave me a glimpse into what could turn me on. 

Is there something called as distant sexuality 

Where you feel sexual only if the person is at a certain distance from you? 

And it kinda fizzles when you get too close or too used up. 

Yea the sexual tension kind of thing 

I don't know what to say about it.. It goes in alignment with whatever I wrote in my diary of a sexually repressed girl 

But this guy forever is going to have this strong influence on me. It's epic and it's real. 

Such a strong sexual competitor never came to me. 

In real life if a guy had talked like that to me, it would have been the greatest turn on 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

I vented all my inner feelings. 

I feel relaxed. 

Put it all out there. No inhibitions. 

That's my femininity, I can't explain it in any other way. 

I slept like a baby. 

I cried a lot before I slept off. 

I felt like beautiful arms were holding me. 

 

I think for me a church like environment fits better. 

I was talking about valley home. 

 

No I won't be bringing a cat

I feel bad about it. 

My emotions are quite deep. I'm aware of it. But what I figured is that I need to have a healthy dose of happiness to have a good start. 

 

The love that I had experienced yesterday was very soothing and calming maybe the exact kind that I really wanted. 

It felt perfect to my soul. 

To my body. I'm still a bit wet like a virgin who had just been...... 

I feel something. Maybe I deserved this long ago. 

 

It probably was the most beautiful thing ever Happened to me. 

I felt like I was being held like a baby. 

I felt like I was being held like a baby and he kissed me afterward. 

I felt sleepy after that it was a sweet cuddle. 

I'm just a bit of an introvert. But I felt good.. I felt snuggled.. 

It was the most passionate most intimate thing that could never die out. 

He was very much like Rupert 

Yea yea yea. Reminds me of that character. Sweet obsession is what I call it. Sweet obsession is what I exactly need

You know secretly he is very much like Miss 

And like a male version of Miss And I secretly always desired that. Wasn't that my perfect soulmate. Thank God for this experience or else I would have never known. 

Just imagine a male version of Miss fucking me all night till morning. 

Now that's a treat I don't want to miss out on. 

That's the most awesome thing to ever happen to me. I would savor every bit of it. 

 

Mhmmmm. Yessssssss. What a treat. 

I just feel so unusual... Like this was meant to be.