Need help with limiting beliefs about Capitalism.

[digitalkaine]

I'm really not in a good place mentally at the moment. I am an artist who actaully could make a sustainable living just doing art but I have to put my whole ass into it and honestly its hard for me to make art for money because it takes a long time for one and for two it kind of just hurts my soul in a lot of ways to just have to do it in general because something about someone having to pay me and then me draw pictures for them feels exploitative on both sides. I feel like I'm being forced alot of times to just draw things because people pay me. I understand I probably sound entitled but I just wish I could do art for free and take donations. 

I am terrible with finances its always been this way since I was a kid my parents have always instilled limiting beliefs behind money and I dont blame them. Even today my dad was just mentioning the fact that last month he had to cover part of my bills and he doesnt even live with me and I couldnt handle the fact that I put him in that position and that he was blaming me and I got upset and broke my phone. Honestly Ive always had anger issues but Actualized really helped me deal with alot of stuff especially over the last year I learned how to really understand what I was feeling and not be so reactive. I was doing great up until last year in october I actually lost like 60 lbs and was eating super healty had a 2 month long awakening but afterwards I got sick out of no where. My whole body was basically destroyed for this past year there was multiple times I thought I wasnt going to wake up the next day and even now most of all the things in my body I was experiencing is gone but I still show minor symptoms of whatever it was I was experiencing. (According to doctors it was anxiety even though some mornings I was spitting up blood.)

Sorry for all the explination but I just dont believe I am entitled as society makes me believe. I know in alot of ways I am but in alot of ways I am not and never really was. I can see how bad some people have it and genuinely I had a good life except for money has always had  a hold over me and I've come to a point where now I'm looking at everything and everybody and In my heart I'm just like none of this shit is real. I cant picture myself working another 9-5 I feel like Im fucking wasting my life away and honestly it makes me feel suicidal. It kind of blows my mind because when I was working last year even while experiencing a spiritual awakening I was not looking at it like that. I had no problem with being a part of society and I was able to convince myself that working a 9-5 was actually benefitial to nourishing my soul as well as connecting with people and bringing positive energy to an enviroment. I was just able to look at it in a way to where it didnt seem exploitative at all I was able to really manuver through working gracefully and figured I would be able to continue doing that then when I got sick everything I thought about life changed drastically.

Fast forward to now, Its been 5 months since I've been out of work and I've actaully managed to scrape by just making art but In the begnining of  august I took on wayyyyyy too much work for wayy too little money because I absolutetly needed to make rent I was able to finish alot of it but I had alot of people just flat out not pay me anything after the deposit after I finished the work. And honestly Ill even take part of the blame for that as alot of ppl were just hounding me to finish things but they werent up to my standards and the quality just lacked in my eyes. I mean they never said they werent paying me because it looked bad they always loved it but they would just stop responding to me. Its september now and im like 700+ dollars behind on rent I have no food, no water, no gas for my car, my phones done and I had a job interview tomorrow. For the first time in over 2 years I broke down and cried in the shower. I'm lonely asf at the moment I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years and actaulized actually helped me love myself enough to leave in all honesty. I also left all my best friends just becasue they werent on the same thing that I was trying to be on. I isolated myself because I hate being a burden on people and honestly I cant just handle being around most people. I deleted my social media as well even though my business was taking off and I was gaining more followers these two past years more than I ever had before. I love everybody from the bottom of my heart but when I get around people and just start hearing all this toxic shit about all this stuff I dont really care about I'm like damn I love you but from a distance.

My dad calls me this morning and he actaully understands what I'm saying in regards to capitalism. And genuinely I dont hate the structure itself at all but to me I just look around and I'm like why are we doing this. My dad just keeps telling me like I know you dont want to do this but you have to do something because I'm in a position where I owe alot of people money. Well to be honest my debt isnt too bad its close to $1500 dollars. I know for a fact I can go out and make all the money and just keep grinding but I think about it and I'm just like why? Then my dad tells me its because we need to survive and I cant see why we need money to survive. I genuinely cannot see how that is true and it feels like the biggest lie I've ever been told. Honestly being told we need anything at all to survive just sounds like an idea that is pushed so heavily on us to the point that it controls everything we do and I cannot stand it. I genuinely do not believe we need water to survive. I genuinely do not believe we need food or money or relationships or anything. I cant explain why but it mostly seems that way because all this stuff sounds like ideas to me. Obviously I eat and drink and I know I could probably die without all this stuff but I dont actually have any way to verify it because I've never died from starvation nor has anyone around me that would be insane,  but yet everyday I'm told I need this stuff to survive and I feel like that alone is killing me. My dad is a good guy and it sucks even being as conscious as I am because he mentioned how he had to pay 100 dollars for my bills last month that I still havent paid him back for and my first thought was "I did not ask to be here you put me here." So I got mad and broke my phone and went to the shower and instantly I saw how fucking stupid I was because I can see how my dad and mom were not fully conscious of their actions when they decided to have me so I cant blame them at all and that just made me cry harder than ever. 

I dont think more money will fix my problems, I dont believe I really have any problems to be honest but the thing that hurts me is being a burden on people. Maybe the whole issue is I dont want to be a burden so bad that its making my life horrible. I've thought about what would happen if someone gave me $10k, and I realize it would not do shit to fix my situation. Sure I would be able to pay people back sure I would be able to afford to live for a while but eventually I can tell I would be right back where I was. Honestly even if I was to break out as an artist and become famous and rich for the rest of my life I would still feel like shit capitalizing on my creativity. I tell my dad I dont want to be here anymore, I tell him I just want to pack all my shit and just run away and do art for people in person. I was so big into graphic design, branding, and marketing, now when I think about it grosses me out, I get nauseous thinking about branding to be honest now. I used to love graphic design, the other day I saw a sign that said "School for Native Americans" Or something and I just thought about how gross it was that we have like symbols to desrcibe some identity that we stole from someone and then sit and make money off it. I know for a fact I need therapy and I would love to go even though I dont think any amount of therapy will really fix the problems in my life. I dont live the healthiest lifestyle but I do sit alone in the dark for hours and just think and try to be grateful for what I have but then its not ever long before im reminded like that I'm not really that great of  a person.

My whole goal for a while was to become rich enough to help other people who were in the same situation I was in but now I'm realizing how I would just be enabling them to be apart of the same illusion Im stuck in and that kills me. By all means I dont want to take away from what makes people happy either no matter what it is, I talk to my ex girlfriend all the time and she really understands me to the point where its hard for me to speak because I dont want to make her feel bad for the life that she lives. I'm kind of doing that to everyone and thats why I'm alone to be honest because I dont want to like accidentally persaude someone into seeing how shallow their existence might be. I dont genuinely think that anyone who works a 9-5 is living a shallow existance either I think you can be happy doing that, I think you can be a good person and contribute alot to society and still get alot of fulfillment out of life doing that. I just have a hard time genuinely feeling that way for myself and maybe its because I believe I am an Artist. 

 

Sorry for all the first world problems. I may be starving and not knowing when I'm going to eat again but right now I'm kind of comfortable just sitting at a desk with 10000 ways to make money if I'm willing to put the effort in which I am and I will but I dont know where else to turn to I guess nobody really understands this is probably the only place that might get where I'm coming from becasue to me everything just seems like an idea to me. Thank anyone who took time to read. 

Edited September 13, 2022 by digitalkaine

[digitalkaine]

Sorry for all the typos and grammar. 

[Leo Gura]

@digitalkaine Mixing art and business is a classic challenge. Business corrupts art. One solution is to just create a side business which is not artistic and use it to fund your art. That's what I did.

This is an opportunity for you to buckle down and get serious about business. Being a poor, starving artist is no way to live life.

The solution to capitalism is to start your own biz.

Edited September 13, 2022 by Leo Gura

[Topspin715]

Business can be corrupting and oppressive, esp for artistic and creative pursuits

 

I worked for other ppl's businesses for abt a decade to learn the skills i needed to go out and do my own thing and reduce risk for me

[Hardkill]

On 9/12/2022 at 7:15 PM, Leo Gura said:

@digitalkaine Mixing art and business is a classic challenge. Business corrupts art. One solution is to just create a side business which is not artistic and use it to fund your art. That's what I did.

This is an opportunity for you to buckle down and get serious about business. Being a poor, starving artist is no way to live life.

The solution to capitalism is to start your own biz.

How realistic is it run a successful business of your own? 

90+% of people who've tried it have failed because of how incredibly competitive it is? I mean aren't the chances of making it work about the same as becoming like the next Michael Jordan of basketball or a world famous A-list celebrity entertainer?

Also, isn't there a great risk of being in serious financial debt if your business startup doesn't work out?

 

Edited September 14, 2022 by Hardkill

[digitalkaine]

On 9/12/2022 at 7:15 PM, Leo Gura said:

@digitalkaine Mixing art and business is a classic challenge. Business corrupts art. One solution is to just create a side business which is not artistic and use it to fund your art. That's what I did.

This is an opportunity for you to buckle down and get serious about business. Being a poor, starving artist is no way to live life.

The solution to capitalism is to start your own biz.

Thank u for that lol, I realized I was being a child. I thought I would be able to transcend basic neccessities right down to water and food but in hindsight I feel as if I was just being selfish. I just wanted to run away from everything trying to convince myself I could be happy on the road living off handouts or doing art for pay but idk I just think I was copping out. Doing anything money related just felt disgusting to me just because I hate having to quantify my self worth when I really am convinced that we are all infinite. I realized I'm just going to get a lil 9-5 save up and start my own business and use the money to help others. All my problems have stemmed from me being selfish and asking people for help without wanting to help myself first.