Finally Taking Back My Life

[Emrie]

Your public service announcement that Top/Bottom/Vers is not the same as Dom/Sub/Switch.

A top is someone who gives pleasure, a bottom receives said pleasure, and verses can do both.

A dom is someone who leads the situation, a sub follows the leader, and a switch can do both.

It is possible to be a top and a sub at the same time. It is also possible to be a bottom and a dom at the same time.

Learn the difference.

[Emrie]

Dear lord I have done nothing these past three days it's insane.

And when I say nothing, I really mean nothing. Like it's been BAD!

Literally glued to my bed nothing.

Almost glad to be back to work tomorrow so I can get out finally.

[Emrie]

Haven't been posting much in here lately. I guess we can do a little catchup thing.

Oooh that reminds me. I saw this. Uhhh .. I think it was RSD Julien, I don't remember. Dude was like, here's what you do for self-esteem, confidence, charisma, just like social skills in general.

Once a week, make a podcast about yourself. Just one hour, once a week, talk about yourself.

It's really useful because it gets my mind used to collecting information, stories, anecdotes, just interesting stuff going on in my life, that I wouldn't otherwise.

And then I can talk about these things with other people.

Also forces me to talk for an hour, not run out of things to say.

You know what I'm gonna go do that right now.

[Emrie]

Alright so here's what I'm going to do.

I got some momentum because I got the job so let's build on that. Let's not lose the momentum and end up in a worse state than we already are.

Here's the vision, yeah?

Let's say ... two or three years from now. Oh, actually, I just turned 27, so I feel like my thirtieth birthday is a good time horizon. It gives me essentially three years.

I'll be a software engineer. Like fully software engineer. I'll have mastered it pretty well, or at least I'll have mastered everything in my job pretty well, and I'll have the title and salary that come with that. And I think this will be great for me, but it will also be great for the people at my work, who will be happy to have someone do a great job. AND it will be great for the people in my immediate social circle, because I'll be happy and fulfilled with the work I do, so that'll bring a lot of positivity in the rest of my life. You can see it now too, tbh. Me saying these things and doing these things, I'm only doing them because I got the job.

I'm not really worried about being good at my job. This is just the natural way of me working, it's just my mindset. I'm always trying to do the best I can at my work, always trying to learn and improve. Hell, part of the reason why I'm changing jobs is to learn more. Because I kinda stopped learning here at my current, kinda did everything there is to do.

Now, second thing. And this is the big thing. I really really REAAALLY need to develop my social skills. I am just a broken shell of a human being when it comes to social skills right now. I am just terrible in social situations, I struggle to be fun and to add value to social situation, I struggle to relate to people, it's just a bad time.

And actually last year I moved to a big new city specifically to improve my social skills. And I didn't!!!! It actually sent me into a depression.

So here's what I'm gonna do. Firstly I need to heal my trauma. Therapy I think is a good idea. I'll have to look into options for therapy, but I think it would be really beneficial if I find a good one. I'll also have to spend some amount of time once a week to some sort of trauma healing activity by myself, outside of therapy. I'm thinking books to read, videos to watch, exercises to do, potentially also just straight up do psychedelics, that kind of stuff.

And then secondly I gotta just get out there. Join clubs, go out to bars and night clubs, socialize with random people and just get good at all this through direct exposure.

This brings me to what I'm doing right now, today. The 100 Days of Rejection challenge. You can look up the ted talk if you want. But basically the idea is simple: do something every day that will cause you to be rejected.

This is really meant for me to get out of my comfort zone and to be rejected by other people. Right now my biggest obstacle to developing my social skills is that I'm just afraid of other people. Deeply afraid of them. And this 100 day challenge will be perfect to get me used to people judging me negatively.

Also what's great about it is that I'll have to think about what I'll do to get rejected. Ideally I'd find requests that are too ridiculous that I'll know I'll get rejected, but also somewhat realistic enough that it seems plausible that I could ask.

I will be reporting in a separate thread, every day. Just wanna keep things organized.

And then beyond that I'll be doing the 1-hour podcast thing I talked about earlier.

[Emrie]

On a positive note though, I've been really loving the developing. It's just been amazing, and I honestly can't wait for my new job that I'll be getting!

[Emrie]

Don't mind me, I'm just writing my notes here for my research into getting a therapist.

Probably one of the most important ingredients to successful therapy is a good Patient-Therapist Alliance. AKA you gotta have good vibes.

Demographics of the therapist:
The gender, the age, the religion, the ethnicity may play a role. I like to think I'm above all that and I treat everyone as equal, except for the religion stuff I don't like religious people. TBH I'd love to have a therapist of color because there's a lot fewer of them.

Goals of Therapy:
A lot of therapists ask prospective patients what their goals are with the therapy to determine if they're the right fit. Examples include healing childhood trauma, dealing with substance abuse, that kind of stuff.

Methods of Therapy:
Basically there are different ways to do therapy that are designed to do various things

• Psychodynamic Therapy: If I believe there is a subconscious motivation or childhood trauma linked to my behavior (I would say so yeah)
• Cognitive Therapy: Change your thoughts to change your life
• Narrative, Behavioral, or Solution-Oriented Therapy: Never talk about childhood, focusing on current day-to-day life
• Family-Oriented Systems Therapy: (I believe this has been mentioned even on the blog, IFS therapy), to deal with family stuff (I'd say that would be useful too, my relationship with my family is not great)

Disclaimer: This is likely a non-exhaustive list and also those were massive oversimplification.

Questions to ask a prospective therapist:
Many therapists have a free phone-call session before booking the first "real" session just as a test instead of jumping directly in without knowing if it's a good fit. This is a great opportunity to ask them questions. Here are example questions:

• How often would you anticipate seeing me?
• What is a typical session like and how long are they?
• How do I prepare for my sessions?
• What's your general philosophy and approach to helping?
• What kind of homework or reading do you give to your patients if any?
• I am bisexual and non-binary, how do you feel about that?

There are two things to look for in their answers to these questions:
1) If the actual content of their response is satisfactory to you (aka they're accepting my gender and sexuality)
2) If they show warmth, genuineness, comfort, empathy, compassion, and just a general good vibe in how they deliver their responses

[Emrie]

Had a pretty insightful dream last night.

The setting was me and my family going skiing. I had to go buy the tickets to the ski lift in like a very specific place it was weird.

So I end up in a situation where I see someone set down a sock full of coins, that they intended to use to beat someone up. Then someone else comes and essentially steals it, starts walking away and I'm getting violent vibes from this guy (of course it was a guy). So I stand up to him and yell "Hey! You put that back" and he throws it at me, I dodge it. I go pick it up and now literally everyone in the building yells at me and blames me for starting a commotion, I run away out of the building and try to hide the weapon.

Then I come back in the building and someone very authoritative tells me to just go buy my tickets and leave. So I try to go up and buy my tickets and I just can't because it's locked, I end up knocking and saying "heeeey" through the door and finally I'm able to get my tickets.

Then I woke up. And the feeling I had left was "I stood up for what was right and got punished, scared, and ran away". Story of my fucking life.

[Emrie]

I'm so anxious, it's so bad...

Yesterday I went grocery shopping, as you do. I ended up looking for one item I typically don't buy. And so I walk in this like middle path looking around at the different aisles looking for the stuff.

Now, since I'm looking for my stuff, I walk a bit slower than usual. And I can feel these two people behind me walking faster than me, so I end up panic-walking into an aisle I KNOW doesn't have my stuff, just to leave THEM space to walk through.

THIS IS HOW BAD MY ANXIETY IS!

[Emrie]

Your friendly reminder that the only true war is the class war.

Also I broke my ankle yesterday and now I have a boot I have to wear 24/7 for six weeks

Also I've learned of a kind of depression I think I may possibly have.

[Emrie]

I wore a shirt at Christmas and now my family thinks I'm gay.

The shirt has a rainbow on it, therefore I must be gay, I guess!

It baffles me. I can't even wear shirts I like anymore.

[Emrie]

Ugggghhhhhhh ....

So I sprained my ankle, now I've got this kind of boot thing on my leg and I have to use crutches.

Which is fine, not a huge problem for me. But there's this other thing.

My grandma called, she wants to come over and take care of me. But the thing is, she can't come over. The apartment is an absolute dump. And I mean this. There are loads of trash everywhere. Everywhere! It is HORRIBLE!

I absolutely have to tell her no but like ... there's no excuse I have no excuse no reason, it just sucks. I can't tell her "well you can't come because my apartment is a dumpster".

I HATE EVERYTHING!

[Emrie]

So grandma's coming over.

I tried telling her no, but she wouldn't take no for answer. I don't really blame her, there's literally no excuse for her not to come. Well, except for the fact that I don't want her seeing my apartment like this. But see, if the reason is "I have a secret", I can't tell her "I have a secret, therefore you can't come".

It's ... too hard for me to clean up the apartment. Genuinely. I tried, I started, but after a little while my ankle started hurting badly and I thought I'd just give up.

So I'm gonna have to live with the consequences of my own actions. Let my grandmother see how incredibly dirty the apartment is. I don't know how she'll react, I don't know if she'll tell anyone, who's she gonna tell, how they'll react. I can try to ask her to not tell anyone but ... idk.

I will tell her that my life has not been great and I've been trying to get better by doing various things but that cleaning the apartment definitely fell by the wayside and is something that's been really hard for me to do.

Quick check-in with my feeling right now. I feel grief, fatigue, sadness, I feel like I got some weight in my chest, and in my throat, just cried one tear.

I hope I grow from this experience. This will be the first time someone from my family sees the full extent of how dirty my apartment can be. I don't think I've ever been this vulnerable with anyone, and, though I'm scared, maybe something positive comes from it.

[Emrie]

I want to imagine like a Peak version of myself. Like I want to imagine who I could be as a person and how I could live my life. I just had this thought that, for me, being non-binary means being someone who embodies both masculinity and femininity, and so I want that to transpire in my life.

So let's imagine this, let's imagine a lifestyle in which I can embody that.

Firstly, I'm going to keep being a very sporty, outdoorsy kind of person. I'm just started to embrace that this year and it's truly been amazing. Honestly, the quality of my day-to-day life has dramatically improved by this.
In practicality, I see it as the following habits: Going to the gym four times a week. In the winter, going skiing almost every week, and potentially in the summer, going hiking almost every week, or doing some other kind of summer sports (maybe some beach volley, or kayak or smth).
I've also been thinking about adding some kind of club physical activity, potentially two. I've been thinking about taking some martial art or personal defense class. Like Krav Maga. After 5-10 years I can start being this very tall, very big, very heavy, very strong person who also can defend themselves. There's a very traditionally masculine "strong man" aspect to that, in that physical sense. Couple it with a very masc-presenting style of clothing and a my decently deep voice and that shows that masculinity in that aspect.

Secondly, I definitely see myself as an outgoing person. You know growing up I've always felt that I was very introverted but really I was very (still am tbh) traumatized and afraid of other people. But recently I've noticed in myself that when I spend time with other people, it brings me a lot of happiness. I've also decided to be polyamorous so I can see myself dating quite a lot and going on these interesting dates.

Thirdly, I definitely see myself as an emotional person. I will definitely feel my emotions and share them with my most intimate partners, even those whom I don't have sexual or romantic relationships with. And this is going to be an important criterium in determining how far the relationship can go. So, even though I can be very masculine, in that physical presentation as well as just my general way of behaving, I can be very feminine in those instances where I become emotionally vulnerable.

So let's try to imagine how a given week would go, in that imaginary scenario:

Monday, I wake up at 6:15, arrive at work at 7:30, got that sweet SWE job making good money and having just a nice position at the company. Work till noon, at which point I go to the gym, it's Monday, so it's upper body strength day. Back at my desk at 13:30, eat in front of the PC. Then I finish work at 17:30. Back home at 18:30, it's Monday so I don't have any classes or gathering, though I do have a date. We set to meet up at 20:00, I cook lunch for the next day, shower, put on my nice clothes, a little makeup to hide my ugly red face, makeup is not noticeable. It's my first date with this person, we go for drinks, I have water. Date goes how it goes, I can't know how it goes and I don't care, either it goes well or not, really it's not my problem.

Tuesday, same work and gym, home at the same time. It's Krav Maga class tonight, starts at 8 again. Always nice to go to Krav Maga and catch up with my KM friends, we should really see each other more often outside of class. But ah well, I'm super busy.

Wednesday, same work and gym, I get to hang out with one of my partners tonight. We make love. I never masturbate anymore, because I want to keep my sexual tension with my partners and dates.

Thursday, I work from home, because I have therapy at 14:00. It kind of breaks my day completely because I can't take my usual lunch break, and I also can't eat lunch during my lunch break. But therapy is life-saving and a critically important part of my life.

Friday night is games night, I get to meet my gamer friends and play some tabletop games, I loooove TT games, they're honestly awesome. I go with all my partners, and then we go to a bar because ... of course we do, it's Friday night!

Saturday is time to do some weekly maintenance. I buy the food for the week, I clean the apartment, clean my clothes, do a bit of coding for some open-source projects, and putting in a sprint workout! After all that is done, maybe I play a little video games, or I go hangout with friends and/or partners, too. And then it's Saturday night, I'm definitely doing something. Whether it's my second date with the date from Monday, hanging out with friends, hanging out with a partner, or multiple partners. Or maybe I didn't make plans for the evening and I just go to a bar alone and meet some new people.

Sunday is a beautiful sunny day, and I took care of everything, time to relax, chill, breathe, maybe I pop a psychedelic, maybe I meditate a long time, maybe I just go for a long hike up the mountains near me (I mean I do live in Switzerland, like, come on).

--

Honestly imagining this, writing this, reading this, I can definitely feel this is the kind of life I see myself living. I have this pretty good job that I enjoy, I have this great social life that brings me people I care about and gives me these great relationship, I have good, healthy, romantic and sexual lives, and I'm even able to pop in some psychedelics to truly make this life special.

The next step after this would probably be becoming financially independent, and giving myself time to have a spiritual practice that allows for that level of development. Because I can definitely see that, within that 9-to-5, materialistic social life that I imagined up there, there's really no time for me to develop that spirituality. And maybe I'll have to get there eventually, even if it's in my forties or fifties.

I also didn't really incorporate any political life in this vision. Politics is like one of my top values and one of the most important things in my life. The way it's incorporated in this vision right now is just me getting news and talking about them with my friends and partners, but I definitely see myself doing more.

In any case, this was really nice to think about. I liked it a lot.

[Emrie]

The internet has become such a toxic cesspool of negativity in my life it's really bad.

I'm at a point in my life where going on the internet is a painful experience that just makes me feel bad. Especially social media. Like as soon as I start interacting with other people, it just creates a lot of negative feelings to me, and I rarely get anything positive or healthy about it.

And I'm honestly glad I'm actually becoming conscious of how it negatively affects my life rather than just trying to force myself to quit it. It's gonna come natural and obvious for me to get rid of these bad habits because they're just bad activities that not only don't make me happy but actively make me unhappy.

Candidates of things to get rid of: TikTok, Reddit, Twitter, this forum, and maybe even YouTube.

I think I'm going to move this journal to just handwriting, and stop posting it here.

I mean I just talked about my life up there, do you see any space for unhealthy social media in it? Absolutely fucking not.

Even this forum, I'd consider somewhat negative tbh. Like I posted that "Date Ideas" thread and I just have people shitting all over me and saying they're dumb dates. And it all came from TikTok originally of someone posting these ideas themselves and I thought it'd make for a nice positive conversation but it ends in people shitting on me and making me feel bad.

And like I could continue the conversation like this and build a balanced, nuanced, well thought-out date, but that's like a lot of mental and emotional effort and it still made me feel bad, like why would I invest in something that just makes me feel bad.

So I'm just gonna have to stop all that shit and move on.

[Emrie]

Had a dream I was a girl last night.

Like the dream wasn't even about being a girl at all. At the start of the dream I was thrown into the action and there were a bunch of crazy things happening. Then, once the action settled, I dreamed what lead to the start of the dream, and that was a bit more lowkey.

After that I woke up and I thought "wow that was a crazy dream" and I recounted it to myself. And after I was done recounting it, I realized "hey I was a girl in this dream".

Kinda crazy.