Finally Taking Back My Life

[Emrie]

You know sometimes I wonder, when we fix society, what humanity will think of us.

Like when we have basic human fucking rights guaranteed for everyone, when we end world hunger, poverty, and homelessness. And we have healthcare and education.

Basically when we finally get our shit together and stop constantly raping each other.

The fact that most people never talk about neo-colonialism...

People'll be all "How could you people let this bullshit go on? And why didn't you do anything about it earlier?"

[Emrie]

I'm at such a low point in my life, it's really bad...

I was on break this morning at work and I was just standing there with my colleagues.

And like ... I was just standing there, I didn't want to engage in the conversation, I didn't want to talk to them or listen to them or anything I was just in my own thoughts and feelings, and they were really bad thoughts and feelings. I just felt tired and sad and like I just didn't want to be there.

In the afternoon I even skipped break and just kept working because at least work felt better than break.

So yeah really bad emotions and thoughts these past few weeks. Leo's blog post on weak words really rang true to me and I definitely need to implement that in my life.

In any case I'm going to do several things:
1) Tomorrow I'm going to work by bike, it'll be my first time, I don't know how long it'll be, it'll be mostly flat so shouldn't be too much effort.
2) Saturday I'm gonna run 8k and I'm gonna run up and downhill. I'm gonna take it very very slowly of course but yeah. It'll be my longest run.
2) Sunday I'm gonna go on a hike, I've already planned the route, it'll be several hours and will be absolutely worth it.
3) Monday I'm gonna call a therapist's office, I just looked it up, there's one close to where I live. I hope they're good.

[Emrie]

Had a very weird "Fuck the Patriarchy" moment today.

So I started taking Salsa dance classes and today we learned some couple moves. Obviously the first one is the spin, it's the easiest one.

And literally what I do as the leader of the dance in this situation for the spin and raising my hand accompanying my partner's hand as they do the actual spinning, but I'm just standing there.

I felt like it was a huge scam because I felt I was doing so little while asking so much to my partner, like wtf.

And of course in the real world you don't the gender-neutral language I used up here but man and woman, instead.

So yeah I love that I'm learning to dance in couples but also damn. Fuck the Patriarchy!

[Emrie]

Not me making the lewdest comment of all time. Just a friend.

A colleague asked another colleague for help, they were busy so they said they'd help later, exact phrase used was "I'm coming".

So my friend (absolutely my friend, not me) said "Yeah, you are".

[Emrie]

On 10/11/2022 at 10:10 PM, Emrie said:

1) Tomorrow I'm going to work by bike, it'll be my first time, I don't know how long it'll be, it'll be mostly flat so shouldn't be too much effort.
2) Saturday I'm gonna run 8k and I'm gonna run up and downhill. I'm gonna take it very very slowly of course but yeah. It'll be my longest run.
2) Sunday I'm gonna go on a hike, I've already planned the route, it'll be several hours and will be absolutely worth it.
3) Monday I'm gonna call a therapist's office, I just looked it up, there's one close to where I live. I hope they're good.

So anyways I did none of these things. I'm depressed, leave me alone.

[Emrie]

I don't know why but I don't really feel depressed tonight, like yeah I feel pretty normal tonight.

I really don't know why because I'm not doing anything different than usual.

[Emrie]

It's crazy how our society just doesn't really seem to care at all about mental health. Like it's just not a priority in the way we've built our society.

I'm supposed to slave myself to an oppressing capitalist class that doesn't care about anyone or even anything but money. And there's just no space in that environment for me to have a mental illness.

And you could say there are therapists and resources available to help me but like ... I still need money for that. So I still need a job for that. And I can't just go to my boss and say "hey boss listen I'm not doing well, here are all the things I'm doing to try and make it better, but please understand my performance might not be great and it's because of my depression". There will be no empathy or care. I have to work work work and I can't have a pesky depression come in the way of that.

By the way, FUCK CAPITALISM.

Edited November 18, 2022 by Emrie
adding most important component of message

[Emrie]

Didn't talk about it but yesterday was International Men's Day.

Reminder that men are disproportionally affected by depression, suicide, violent crime, and prison, when compared to women (would love to see more comprehensive stats with other genders but here we are).

Depression and suicide are also exacerbated by transgenderism and bisexuality.

FUN FACT: I am non-binary but present as a man and was assigned male at birth, and I'm a bisexual. Meaning I AM INCREDIBLY AT RISK.

^ These horrible stats are NOT because of "feminism" and "boys can't be boys anymore". On the contrary they're because of people spewing that bull. Toxic Masculinity.

This is mainly why I decided to stop identifying with the shitty male gender. I don't want to associate myself with that toxic masculinity.

[Emrie]

Today was crazy, wow. I know I know it's a coincidence but y'all God threw me a curveball today.

So like, there's this restaurant near work that serves pretty decent burgers, yeah. It's a nice place, but we never go because we're always like busy and got things to do and it takes a long time we don't wanna take extended breaks.

But yeah they've decided that tomorrow, we're going to eat at that restaurant. We haven't been to this restaurant for like a year but yeah, they've decided tomorrow.

This would be fine and all .... except I'm in Home Office tomorrow. And I'm not in Home Office for no reason, I'm in Home Office because I have a meeting with HR to discuss changing jobs at the company and leaving the team. The meeting will be remotely, not in a meeting room. Since I'm doing it remotely, it would have been done from by desk PC and that's just unacceptable,

And HONESTLY??? It's crazy, man. EXACTLY THE DAY that I'm getting things moving to leave the team, is exactly the day my team gets together to have a meal all of us together.

So there you go! It's crazy symbolic that I'm very much leaving this team behind like this.

EDIT: People today asked me "why are you in HO tomorrow, can you not skip it today?" I told them no I'm in HO because I want to be in HO at least once this week and it fell on Wednesday. Realistically I could have done HO any other day but, hey, they don't need to know that.

Edited November 22, 2022 by Emrie

[Emrie]

Been radicalizing myself incredibly heavily into communism recently.

Got a bunch of books.

It's crazy how deep the capitalist rabbit hole goes.

[Emrie]

I am SOOOO DONE WITH THIS FUCKING TEAM.

I tell 'em good evening.

They tell me "You're not gonna come drink with us?"

I tell 'em "I don't even drink alcohol"

They tell me "It's not an excuse! You can drink non-alcoholic drinks"

I tell 'em "Yeah but let me have this excuse, idc".

They tell me "Alright well have a bad evening since you're not gonna come drink with us"

I tell 'em "Fantastic!" and then I leave.

--

Issue I have with this whole interaction is that it's very clearly showing me as not wanting to engage with the team socially. I've pretty much left this team completely in my mind.

Which would all be fine if I had another job lined up, but I don't.

When I'll be interviewing for another job even within the company, they'll see me leave to these mysterious meetings and very likely will suspect that I want to leave the team.

And that's not really ideal, I need to keep it a secret. They can't know I want to leave because that'll tarnish their opinion of me.

[Emrie]

You know bad mental health is a vicious circle.

I'm a part of this group that meets once a month, it's a way for me to meet new people, hang out, make some friends, go out.

There's a meetup today actually. Originally I said I'd go, but I ended up not going.

And I asked myself "Why don't I wanna go?" And my answer was "I'm just not feeling it and I'm feeling kinda depressed today".

But of course hanging out with other people might really help me and my depression. It could put me in a good mood, and it would be nice to have some level of human contact with other people.

Vicious. Fucking. Circle.

[Emrie]

I've gotten to a point where I'm only ever going to the gym because I like it.

I don't care about being healthy, I don't care about gaining muscle, I don't care about any of the results I may get from exercising.

I just like it. It's an activity that I enjoy.

And I like that, I think it's nice.

[Emrie]

There's a very high likelihood I'm going to be getting a new job as a developer.

I've had several interviews with HR and team leaders, I'll get one big one with the director of the department on Thursday. And so far it's been going really well, they've been very approving and happy and open to me getting this job.

I'm glad to be joining this new job for a few reasons.
1) I'm kinda done with my current job, I've gotten almost everything I could get from it.
2) The new job is just better, I would say. Like in terms of what you actually do on a day-to-day basis.
3) The new job is more marketable. In the CV it looks better and shows I have experience. Lot of value there.

Of course my anti-capitalist mind goes straight to "capitalism is forcing me to have a pretty CV so I can literally not starve and freeze to death", but hey.

[Emrie]

Can't even celebrate the small victories anymore.

Today was super sunny, not a cloud in the sky. Yesterday and the day before, it snowed.

So today I went skiing, and it was a magical time. The snow was perfect, the weather was perfect, it was a new resort so it was nice seeing something new, I loved it.

A year ago I would have just stayed home, watched some TV shows or played some video games.

I felt good that I'd come out of my house, reconnected with nature, and enjoyed a nice Sunday.

...But also I was alone. I don't have any friends, so I was alone.

And I felt bad, and it made me bitter. I couldn't even celebrate the fact that I'd come out of my house because I was all alone.

[Emrie]

I forgot how much I enjoy coding. Jesus christ!

It's been real.

[Emrie]

I don't know how I feel about this comment my mom made. I went with my family for the past three days for Christmas and there was one thing that... yeah it's a mess.

So basically we were talking about random people and stuff and one person came up. This person cut all contact with their family because their family were really toxic to them so they made what I believe to be the right decision.

My sister, jokingly, said "No one is safe", implying any of us would also cut our parents out of our lives if need be. It was a joke, of course, we would never, and I think everyone got that, it didn't get a negative reaction at all.

Though my mom did say this one thing... "Why? Are you a lesbian?"

*sigh* I really really reaaaally don't get it. Is my mom insinuating that she would disown her daughter if she were a lesbian? Is my mom insinuating that her daughter would cut her parents from her life if she were a lesbian? WHY THE FIXATING ON THE LESBIANISM? What's lesbianism gotta do with any of that? Where is it written that healthy family relationships and sexual orientation are related in any way?

I really wish I could talk to my mom. Understand her perspective a little more. But it's impossible. Firstly because it's been a few days and I'm pretty sure my mom already forgot but also because it'd definitely egg her on to the fact I'm not necessarily straight myself.

---

I've been thinking about coming out to my family.

If my instinct is correct, my family would disown me if I came out as bi. This would actually be a good thing, I'd actually be happy with that. My family has caused a lot trauma to me and we still don't have a great relationship. I would say we have a relationship. "My family are definitely people in my life", I'm completely apathetic to them now.

But the worst possible (and honestly most likely) outcome, is they don't believe me. They'd think, well you never had a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone so how would you know! Of course they don't know shit about my life, I may have chosen to keep my relationships to myself. Maybe because, OH I DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT STRAIGHT?! But beyond this, it's such bull, like people know who they're attracted to before having sex!

Fundamentally they would deny the bisexuality because they disapprove of it (fun fact my family has never approved of anything I ever do in my entire life, this is true). And they WOULD disown me if they actually accepted the bisexuality, but they also don't want to admit the homophobia and the biphobia, and they don't want to cut me out of their life, so they get it both ways. They don't accept me for who I am and still keep me in their toxic cesspool of hate and bigotry.

And I give up. Because that's all they've ever taught me to do. Give up. Let other people have their way.

[Emrie]

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I'm just soo broken as a human being, it's really bad.

Like I .. I can't even talk to people anymore sometimes, because I'm just soooo deeply afraid of what I'll say and how they'll react.

I see people living their normal life and I'm like ... I simply cannot be in such a situation in my life, I'm just not compatible, it would just not work.

It makes me sad, like, I feel like I can't live life anymore.

[Emrie]

I'm sick. I fell sick a few days ago, it's been slowly improving. But too slowly, I still have a pretty strong headache, and I cough sometimes.

Kinda sucks, I can't go to my new year's eve party tonight, my body just can't handle it.

[Emrie]

I was always weary of New Years' Resolutions, and I still am.

But it's interesting because I'm like instilled with a sense of renewal right now. Like I want to change things in my life not because it's a new year's resolution, but because I just want to change them, out of intrinsic motivation.

It's stuff I've always told myself I should be doing and not doing. But this time I actually really want to do and not do them.

So yeah, I'm happy right now