A plea for help

[Harman]

I dont know where to start but yh its hard to deal with life or maybe its my flaut i dont know. The year and half have been just all over the place im 18 so when i dropped out of college i had no clue what to do so i was lost and fell in the trap of trying to find a job which i fearee doing because i kinda fear and dislike the adult world or the jobs i see and me imaging that i would be depressed for the rest of my life because it would be meaningless plus just the same old thing everyday. And this problem became such a fear that i was consdering sucide deeply because i feared that life soo much that i didnt want that life at all but the pressure of doing or getting a job made that fear worse. So around about the start of the year and last december i decided to watch leos videos about how to live a beautiful life which it did work but that fear of getting a job was still there and whilst i was watching leo i was starting to enjoy life so much and is started to become myself as a person (ofcourse someone will say there is no self bullshit but i have no idea about what it means). All i was doing was watching leos content and almost worship him like jesus well not really but i would take everything he says to heart and almost like he was the bibly or the gospel something like that. Which ofcourse caused alot of issues as the deeper i went the more deeper we went with everything so ofcourse there was gonna be a bomb that was gonna explode. And that did happen around february or march things went to shit stopped meditating stop watching leo and i dont know what happened to cause this specifically but the after math was i was trying to be like leo and live the way he did and like i said before when you think someone is like a god in your eyes and you take everything he says and belief in an instant then yh i kinda did and even today still deal with this problem. Also thought about suicide a lot started my porn addiction again needed to go to threapy untill i couldnt pay no more and my life fliped upside down in an instant. The last couple of months has been the same but the thoughts of suicide have stopped i figured and understood my fear a lot more, my feelings towards life and my excitement has disapeared and to be honest ive never felt such little excitement out of my life from the last couple of months which has scared me a lot because i dont what to do about it. Another problem ive been having is always not knowing what to do as all i do nowa days is set around and watch youtube all day and play some games but the voice inside of me is always saying you need to figure out your life and its been like this for the last couple of months and basically im lost and have no idea what to do with my life i guess i could go and work at a job but to be honest that would be like leo said soul draining. The fear of me not knowing what to do with my life or whats next has just haunted me for the longest that i know. And im always trying to plan to be like a perfectionist becaue i probably fear too much about failing or other stuff. For me i want to live a beautiful meaningful life but i have soo much doubt and so clueless upon what to do and i dont know how to get there or where to go and i do feel like sometimes i should just end it all because the amount of pain that ive experince the last 3 years or so i just feel like i would be at peace for once but i dont know what to think anymore. 

Ps this is not an attack on leo its more of my flaut then anything also may not have said everything or all the important things but this took a while to type up so may a have missed somethings. I didnt want to do this or never really wanted to do this but i have no idea and no one to go to to be honest so this is all i could think off also it has been a down week for me and the last day or so.

[VeganAwake]

Got to break that cycle you're putting anxiety on top of anxiety. 

Find something you enjoy doing and can also make survival money.

The not doing is causing more anxiety than the doing!

♥ 

[Harman]

Yh true i have been thinking for the last hour or so about this i guess another issue that i have is this question of "Am i doing the right thing?" and that question i feel has haunted me because i think i use it on everything especially when im trying to live a beautiful life but im trying to do it the right way which even i dont know what is the right way or i never have. And with this i use this question on a lot of things and i think it doesnt allow me to enjoy the moment as much also i think aswell when i think about this question i think i try to do what would leo do and so thats another issue as i think he is this god or some shit like that.

[thepixelmonk]

2 hours ago, VeganAwake said:

The not doing is causing more anxiety than the doing!

This right here. Rewatch Leo's decisive video and try to fully internalize the amount of anxiety inaction is causing you. 

 

Edited September 12, 2022 by thepixelmonk

[Harman]

Yh appriaciate the recomendation but i dont know if i want to watch another leo video to be honest.

[Breakingthewall]

What I did when I was about your age and in a very similar situation, was to move alone to another city on the coast that attracted me, with little money and the determination not to return for a long time. The truth is that it was hard, but it made things clear for me. salaried work sucks but you have to go through it. at least one year. later...you are in a complicated game, you have to play it with intuition, intelligence and decision. no one can tell you how, it's up to you. Just don't stay still, act

[Harman]

Yh i understand i think nowa days i can figure tge money and work stuff but its more about the other stuff i said on the post that i have differculties about thanks for your responds.

[Breakingthewall]

@Harman

in short : go completely, without reservation, out of your comfort zone. if not your life stagnates. When 18 and when 60, but when you are 18 you have to start the habit of be brave, don't be lazy, do the radical. I don't know, buy a bike and tour the Congo. Forget the videos, Leo, and all that, go for the real thing 

[Harman]

Apreciate that thank you for the advice.