How Spirituality/Enlightenment affected my PMO Addiction Path

[Wyeth]

 

Long read, juicier stuff is towards the end. But I hope some of you can at least read from start to finish.

 

In sixth grade, so around the age of 11, I first stumbled upon pornography. I must have typed “boobs” or “naked girls” or something simple like that into Safari on my Ipod Touch, but eventually this led me to full videos of people having sex. I will never forget the first time I saw a man cum in a porn video. At that point in my life, I had not had an ejaculation yet, so I really didn’t know much about it other than its how a man passes on his sperm to a woman When I first saw a man release a load onto a woman’s face, I was honestly terrified. I became overwhelmed with fear and closed out the video and did not watch videos like that again for several months, maybe even a year or longer. The video I had seen was rather hardcore, and I wondered why people did that shit with each other. It scared me that people did. 

 

Over the next several months, I thought about the video quite often, but I never viewed anything beyond simple pictures of boobs and naked women. As I began to go through puberty and sexually mature, I decided to watch those videos again, and this time I really enjoyed them. I soon discovered the pleasure of masturbation, and for years I would watch and jerk off to porn basically everyday without a second thought about it. It was pleasurable, so why not do it?

 

I first stumbled upon the NoFap community in my sophomore year of high school. The community seemed to hold that by not watching porn and retaining your semen that you would gain some sort of superpowers, those powers being increased confidence, increased attractiveness, more “alpha”, more energy, more focus, less brain fog, and so on. To my 15-16 year old self at the time, it seemed like the perfect thing since I wanted to have more confidence and be more attractive to women (I felt terrible about my looks and was depressed as shit at the time). 

 

The inner turmoil increased as I could not keep a streak longer than 14-18 days. Every time I would get about 2 weeks into a streak, the desire to ejaculate become so strong that literally I could not think about anything else. If somehow I managed to keep a streak longer than 2 weeks, I usually would have a nocturnal emission, which would make me feel bad about myself, making me think I would lose all my NoFap benefits. It even made me dabble into Lucid dreaming so that I could become lucid in my dreams and prevent a wet dream, and thus keep my NoFap benefits. It didn’t work. 

 

I would hear people doing 90 days of NoFap, some people even a year or longer and I felt so terrible about myself that I could never go longer than 2 weeks. I labeled myself an addict, I had such a strong desire to go on this long NoFap streak and I had visions of becoming this beautiful handsome strong masculine man that women flocked to, but I always believed I could never be that because I was an addict and couldn’t retain my seed, that I would never have the discipline or self control to actualize that vision. 

 

Around the time of high school graduation, maybe a few months before, I made a clear distinction between porn and masturbation. I found a community less gung-ho than NoFap that did not demonize masturbation/orgasm, but viewed porn as the sole enemy. Still, I had the same problems, I could not stop viewing porn, which continued to make me feel bad about myself. I continued to think I was just a hopeless addict. 

 

Keep in mind that at the time of high school graduation, I felt like I had a major chip on my shoulder in that I was still a virgin. A number of my friends had lost their virginities but I was still a virgin, and I felt bad about myself for that, maybe I even felt less of a “man”. I was also jealous of some of my friends who were leaving home after high school and going off to 4-year universities, where they would have so much more freedom than I, who was staying at home and going to the local community college for the next 2 years. 

 

In my first semester of community college, I tried hard to meet women, I made it a priority to have sex and prove myself a capable, masculine man. I met an attractive girl who I went on a couple dates with, but I ultimately botched it and nothing ever came of it. Then covid hit and this made me miserable because I knew I would not be hanging with any girls soon. I was quite literally an involuntary celibate at this point. 

 

The narrative I told myself continued. I was an addict. I wasn’t attractive. I can never be fully happy because I am addict. If only I could stop watching porn maybe I could achieve the things I want in life. I berated myself for not being disciplined, for having no self-control. I further and further lost trust in myself and my abilities. 

 

The continued existence of this narrative is even more noteworthy considering in these 2 years at community college I was undergoing powerful spiritual awakenings with both psychedelics and meditation. I became conscious of the illusory nature of the ego and was becoming aware of all its mechanisms it employs to persist, survive, and thrive. I knew the narrative I was telling myself about my porn addiction and state of being a virgin were ultimately illusory and could be dropped and/or changed with enough practice, but I was simply too attached to the narrative that I continued to tell myself the same things. 

 

The narrative took a radical shift once I completed community college and left home to attend another university. I moved in a couple months before the school year began for the purpose of meetings lots and lots of women, and losing my v-card. In just a 2-month period, I went on dates with 8 or 9 different girls and had sex with 5 of them. I proved myself capable, I no longer berated myself for being a virgin or thinking I was incapable. For the first time in my life, I really saw myself as attractive, capable, and confident. I can thank spirituality in a large part for my success in this time period. I had greater goals in life, at the deepest level I wanted to, and still do, seek to pursue and spread Truth/Love within humanity (My goals careerwise are to become a therapist/life-coach and write Spiritual/Unitive fiction)...but anyways I viewed this overcoming of my sexual inadequacies as just a step in the path. To put into a spiral dynamics perspective, it was integrating the lower stages. 

 

A couple months later I entered into a relationship with my current gf (we’ve been together almost a year now). When I entered this relationship, I really wanted to stop watching porn once and for all. I felt that I owed it to her not watch porn in the relationship. And I did stay away, for awhile. And even though my woman is beautiful and I enjoy our sex very much, I eventually started watching porn again, and I fucking berated myself for it. The same narrative of me calling myself an addict again came up, and once again I felt terrible about myself. I believed that if I could not stop watching porn then I would never be disciplined or self-controlled enough to do the things I want to do in life. I told my gf about my addiction and she said I have her full support and she is willing to help me in any way she can regarding the addiction. 

 

I told her about my relapses for awhile, it was always hard confessing because she is a very sensitive and emotional person (cries like everyday multiple times) and usually she would cry and get sad, making the whole situation even more sad and making me feel like even more shit because I was letting her down on top of letting myself down. I decided to stop telling her about my relapses because it was honestly just too much. 

 

In the past few months I have continued to watch porn but as I have progressed further and further on my spiritual path, the love for porn/sex/women has become increasingly metaphysical. The narrative of being an addict (although I watch it regularly) has gradually been dropping away. I’ve honestly just gotten exhausted of feeling terrible about my porn use. I’ve meditated, aware of as many sensations as I can be, many times from start to finish during a porn session. Automatically, out of nowhere, I tell myself I should not be doing this, that I’m weak for watching women on a screen, that I’m letting my gf down, that I’m letting myself down, but now I just kind of laugh at this conditioned response my ego has. It’s all just a narrative, all just a story I tell myself, a story I’ve clung to strongly for years. This narrative I’ve believed has prevented me from being fully happy for years, this narrative has put me into a prison. 

 

The reality is that sex is so fucking beautiful. There is no denying that. Sex is one of the most, if not the most beautiful thing in the universe. It’s creation. What could possibly be more beautiful than that? Of course I love watching porn lol. No matter where this journey of life takes me I must never deny the profound beauty of women and sex. Recently I’ve found myself tearing up at the beauty of women and the act of sex. I’ve been noticing in my porn viewing lately that I’m much less fixated on the sexual body parts of women (tits, ass, etc…still love that don’t get me wrong), but what I’m fixated on, and rather obsessed with lately is the metaphysics of sex. Man entering woman, penis entering vagina, is so shockingly beautiful that it makes me tear up at times. It’s opposites coming together, two becoming one, yin and yang, dual becoming non-dual. THIS IS AN ART FORM OF THE SPIRITUAL PATH I AM ON AND IT IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Two becoming one. It’s self and other merging. It doesn’t get more beautiful than this. This whole life we’re in is a love game with the universe, a divine orgy, and the less identified we are with ego the more we can see it. It literally makes me tear up, when I watch porn sometimes. I marvel at the beauty. It is the greatest thing ever. I don’t know how I could ever give this shit up honestly. 

 

I oscillate now between being identified with the narrative and wanting to stop, and not caring at all. I do watch porn less now, and my preferences have changed a lot. I don’t care for that stepbro stepmom, industry porn terrible acting shit. Sometimes I will watch that crap out of habit and regret afterwards because I’m totally unsatisfied. I typically only watch amateur couples now, the sex feels much more raw and closer to true divine union. 

 

There is still a part of me that wonders if I could gain a lot of benefits from a long abstinence from PMO, I haven’t seriously attempted a long streak form orgasm in over a couple years but I feel like the same shit would just happen again at the 2 week mark where I become overwhelmed and need to fucking cum (I’ve always had very high sex drive). Guess the only way to find out is through direct experience, but at the end of the day I too still have a strong fixation on PMO and it would be hard for me to even go a few days without sex. 

 

At the end of the day I know I have work to do, healing to do, and to be honest I don’t know how the fuck I’ll do it really. I still want to be more disciplined and have more self-control in life, but I have found freedom in being less identified with the narrative of being an addict. I have become increasingly attuned and aware and shocked by the beauty of the metaphysics of sex, and I know at this point I could not give up something I love so much. 

 

I sort of just felt like writing this on a whim, I’ll prob share on Actualized.org and see if anyone reads it and what they have to do say.

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I never watch porn. Porn is a dirty unfiltered obnoxious greedy version of sex.. It looks like filthy gratification to me. 

If I want to imagine sex, I imagine myself fully in love with my ex lover and them making out with me. It's so satisfying and purifying. 

Actually porn destroyed the beauty and Purity of sex and reduced it to some kind of a hellish robotic act of hedonistic fantasy. Gross. 

But real sex with a lover is a divine act of intimacy which I recently felt with my ex lover. It's so beautiful that you can never forget it. 

Real sex is divine, pure, child like, innocent. It's like eating ice cream together. 

There's a ton of love in sex that I felt and it's unforgettable. 

I think your real issue is that you never experienced true physical deep beautiful passionate intimacy. And substituted it early on with porn. 

I hope you do. 

What will heal you is deep intimacy and a positive guilt free understanding of pure sex. 

 

 

Lay off the porn and fall in love. Make love not porn. 

 

 

[Jordan]

Hello, I tried taking some breaks from masturbating too. I have lasted around 30-40 days several times.

It seems like you think that having regular sex will help you to stop masturbating but sex and masturbation fill very different needs. Having regular sex does not replace the desire to masturbate. Actually you may have noticed if you have gone a week without an orgasm, then have sex, you will want to masturbate soon after. I will still masturbate regularly while having sex 2x per week with my girlfriend and I think it is perfectly fine. You seem to beat yourself up over it which is the unhealthy part, not the masturbation. If it makes your girlfriend unhappy then you should not tell her when you relapse. Keep it as a personal thing you are figuring out yourself. The sex will be better the more you meditate and if you have not masturbated for a long time so it is nice to choose yourself what you want to do. If you make that choice to masturbate then treat yourself well after. Don't beat yourself up and see clearly how it positively and negatively affects you. 

Also do you really think there are a lot of benefits from obtaining from orgasm? I am very doubtful of that and think these benefits are overstated.

Edited September 11, 2022 by Jordan

[Breakingthewall]

I have never been addicted to porn, I have used it to see the girl's bodies, but it always seemed empty to me. but I have been addicted to something else, a paraphilia. I guess I won't be the only one. my addiction was looking for a girl in contact apps to masturbate together with a video call or talking on the phone. and when i got it, to keep searching for another. I could spend hours a day with it, and i wasn't really interested in dating them, i did, sex too, but really i preferred the paraphilia. I thought that I would never be able to leave that addiction, but the solution occurred by itself: real, true sex, of total surrender, divine. makes everything else look like misery. the difference between quality sex is in your partner, she has to be pure in her way of being, without lies, and over all in you, that have to be the same. 

Now i think i know why I was addicted to that: i didn't really enjoyed sex because it was to many lie in me, but the sexual impulse was impossible to ignore, so it was an scape

Edited September 11, 2022 by Breakingthewall

[Someone here]

11 hours ago, Tyler Robinson said:

I never watch porn. Porn is a dirty unfiltered obnoxious greedy version of sex.. It looks like filthy gratification to me. 

If I want to imagine sex, I imagine myself fully in love with my ex lover and them making out with me. It's so satisfying and purifying. 

Actually porn destroyed the beauty and Purity of sex and reduced it to some kind of a hellish robotic act of hedonistic fantasy. Gross. 

But real sex with a lover is a divine act of intimacy which I recently felt with my ex lover. It's so beautiful that you can never forget it. 

Real sex is divine, pure, child like, innocent. It's like eating ice cream together. 

There's a ton of love in sex that I felt and it's unforgettable. 

I think your real issue is that you never experienced true physical deep beautiful passionate intimacy. And substituted it early on with porn. 

I hope you do. 

What will heal you is deep intimacy and a positive guilt free understanding of pure sex. 

 

 

Lay off the porn and fall in love. Make love not porn. 

 

 

Yeah isn't it weird that given that the porn content is almost endless that you struggle to find something that actually grasps your attention? ?

[Tyler Robinson]

2 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Yeah isn't it weird that given that the porn content is almost endless that you struggle to find something that actually grasps your attention? ?

Pretty much. Porn has become passe and too mainstream and I guess gradually over the next few decades we will be witnessing (just my hunch), a slow decline in the admiration for porn as people begin to discover how lame it truly is, like every other phenomenon it would be outdated and future generations would look upon it with scorn, and the scourge will be gone before we know it,people will begin to admire the potential of real sex once again, something similar happened to cigarettes, they were damn popular in the 50s and 60s, not so much now. Every addiction goes through a peak trapezoid and then slacks off into flatness. 

[Razard86]

I don't watch porn often, but that is because my sex drive is not really that high. With that said...there is nothing wrong with watching porn. I want you to realize that is a silly idea. Nobody complains about people watching National Geographic and animals mating. But as soon as humans do it its considered dirty? 

Lol you know how silly that is? Its a conditional tale that has been spread by religions to control sex. Sex isn't dirty its how human reproduce. Sex is no different than breathing, taking a dump, or farting, its a natural thing that humans do because humans are animals. In the wild animals have sex right in the open. Are the other animals dirty for watching them? No we don't think that at all. In ancient times humans had sex right there in the open, so porn per say has existed before technology. 

I need you to understand how silly this mindset is. Let me ask you this. If it is dirty to watch porn, then it is dirty to have sex because when you have sex...you are watching yourself have sex. See how foolish this is? As long as your porn watching isn't messing up the other parts of your life you are fine. Don't let anyone and I mean ANYONE define for you what should make you happy. If you enjoy doing something and it doesn't mess your life up, then do what you like. Just be honest with yourself if it is negatively affecting yourself.

Here is a HUGE addiction that people have that they don't want to admit its called self-delusion and projection. Worry about that one, its the most rampant addiction on the planet. 

[Someone here]

10 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Pretty much. Porn has become passe and too mainstream and I guess gradually over the next few decades we will be witnessing (just my hunch), a slow decline in the admiration for porn as people begin to discover how lame it truly is, like every other phenomenon it would be outdated and future generations would look upon it with scorn, and the scourge will be gone before we know it,people will begin to admire the potential of real sex once again, something similar happened to cigarettes, they were damn popular in the 50s and 60s, not so much now. Every addiction goes through a peak trapezoid and then slacks off into flatness. 

Worse off.. in ways it's positive. I can list countless arguments against porn but.. that's boring.. we all know those intellectually.. what are the positives??? Well it has to decrease rape and gives an outlet that didn't exist before for teens exploring themselves regardless of the unrealistic expectations it may produce… it used to help the economy.. still does in some ways.. it break's barriers when it comes to ethnicity and self expression regardless of how you feel after you are done watching it ???? I'm sure the government monitors who watches what and keeps an ???? on people… it helps the virgins and recently divorced and it doesn't ask for money unless you're lured into a paid site… those are the positives I can think of off the top of my head… ok go crazy comments lol.

[Tyler Robinson]

Just now, Someone here said:

Worse off.. in ways it's positive. I can list countless arguments against porn but.. that's boring.. we all know those intellectually.. what are the positives??? Well it has to decrease rape and gives an outlet that didn't exist before for teens exploring themselves regardless of the unrealistic expectations it may produce… it used to help the economy.. still does in some ways.. it break's barriers when it comes to ethnicity and self expression regardless of how you feel after you are done watching it ???? I'm sure the government monitors who watches what and keeps an ???? on people… it helps the virgins and recently divorced and it doesn't ask for money unless you're lured into a paid site… those are the positives I can think of off the top of my head… ok go crazy comments lol.

It destroys sex. It makes sex look bad. It's like eating junk food. Eating junk food also has lot of benefits, saves you money and also saves time. But once you do that, you'll lose interest in healthy food. 

[Someone here]

21 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

I don't watch porn often, but that is because my sex drive is not really that high.

If you don't mind me asking ..can you get a hard on anytime you want?  Because judging by your appearance you look so much of a stallion lol ?. 

[Tyler Robinson]

Just now, Someone here said:

If you don't mind me asking ..can you get a hard on anytime you want?  Because judging by your appearance you look so much of a stallion lol ?. 

Lmfao. . Just call him P. Diddy. He reminds me of a New York investment banker. 

 

[Someone here]

7 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

It destroys sex. It makes sex look bad. It's like eating junk food. Eating junk food also has lot of benefits, saves you money and also saves time. But once you do that, you'll lose interest in healthy food. 

Yeah it actually is especially harmful for men.  Too much porn and masturbation can cause erectile dysfunction.

[Razard86]

2 minutes ago, Someone here said:

If you don't mind me asking ..can you get a hard on anytime you want?  Because judging by your appearance you look so much of a stallion lol ?. 

Lol its just an image. If I bought you a fitted suit and gave you sun glasses people would be trying to get your autograph. I literally bought this suit this year because a guy I followed on Youtube talked about the importance of image so I gave it a shot....its ridiculous what people assume about you when you dress a certain way. Don't let me get on my sandbox about how superficial people are lol.

But yeah I don't have a problem getting it up lol if that is what you are asking. But your 30's are not the same as your teenage years and early 20's. In those years you are like a dog wanting to stick it in any hole, in your 30's you have some restraint. I think the reason my drive isn't so high is because I see women as equal so getting sex isn't that important to me.

Many guys put women on pedestals so ironically...that makes them want it more, and also makes it harder for them to get. Which is kind of hilarious because by not getting it, they end up wanting more....and the loop continues.

[Someone here]

5 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Lmfao. . Just call him P. Diddy. He reminds me of a New York investment banker. 

 

Lol .let's leave his appearance alone.  He is a very intelligent and wise guy .judging by his posts (although there is too much of them) he actually knows what he is talking about. And a great contribution to this community. 

@Razard86 ❤

 

[Razard86]

4 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Lol .let's leave his appearance alone.  He is a very intelligent and wise guy .judging by his posts (although there is too much of them) 

@Razard86 ❤

 

Zinger......I feel like yall are chasing me away!!! LOL. Thanks you are very advanced for your age as well. I can't wait till you take a psychedelic. Do it with someone you trust please, don't do it with no stranger someone you know who would risk their life for you. Or take a small dose. You got the teachings down...you just need the experience. I can't wait to see your reaction when you get it....it will probably make you care less about sex....so go get it in while you can. 

[Someone here]

8 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

But yeah I don't have a problem getting it up lol if that is what you are asking. But your 30's are not the same as your teenage years and early 20's. In those years you are like a dog wanting to stick it in any hole, in your 30's you have some restraint. I think the reason my drive isn't so high is because I see women as equal so getting sex isn't that important to me.

Many guys put women on pedestals so ironically...that makes them want it more, and also makes it harder for them to get. Which is kind of hilarious because by not getting it, they end up wanting more....and the loop continues.

Agreed. It is unfair for sexually active people to judge others for their lack of sexual activity, their use of drugs, their gambling, their drinking, their smoking, etc? From my own experience due to my very young age,people who don't like to be judged tend to judge others themselves ironically, and find every reason to justify putting others down while not looking in the mirror.

Unfortunately in our modern time a man's manhood is judged by his sexual stamina . While it is a huge part of what makes you a man .having a low sex drive is nothing to be ashamed of .and it's actually has some positive sides like being  free from thinking about pussy all the time .

 

[Tyler Robinson]

4 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Unfortunately in our modern time a man's manhood is judged by his sexual stamina .

May I ask you where you're getting this from? 

Could you elaborate what you mean by that? 

[Someone here]

9 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

May I ask you where you're getting this from? 

Could you elaborate what you mean by that? 

Well actually It's not just in modern time ....this goes back to our ancestors thousands of years ago.  The woman chooses her mate based on his sexual power .which is reflected in his overall physical power (a strong body =strong sexual energy).

Its all about Power… men are primally attracted to women who can father children (youth, attractiveness, etc,) women are attracted to men that can protect them… which can happen myriad ways.

Ww are judged by our Built: protector type, “I'll kill anyone threatening my people” is fundamentally attractive.

Confidence: I'm the man in any room I walk into

Most guys are a little of a couple of these things.. Depends what you're into. 

[Tyler Robinson]

2 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Well actually It's not just in modern time ....this goes back to our ancestors thousands of years ago.  The woman chooses her mate based on his sexual power .which is reflected in his overall physical power (a strong body =strong sexual energy).

Its all about Power… men are primally attracted to women who can father children (youth, attractiveness, etc,) women are attracted to men that can protect them… which can happen myriad ways.

Ww are judged by our Built: protector type, “I'll kill anyone threatening my people” is fundamentally attractive.

Confidence: I'm the man in any room I walk into

Most guys are a little of a couple of these things.. Depends what you're into. 

This is an overly exaggerated myth that is the foundation of modern day stage Red Masculinity which is mostly cringe because it doesn't truly align with female fascination. 

Hell, females can even sleep with gay dudes if he performs right. You're wrong about female psychology which leads me to the conclusion that you must have very little to zero sexual/romantic or relationship experience. Anybody familiar with how relationship works are aware that attraction plays a major role for the most part, followed by passionate sexual chemistry, it's not so much about stamina, rather its the chemistry that keeps the spark, even the lamest guy on planet earth can get a woman if he knows how to stimulate her heart and get her wet, that's why Emo guys win meanwhile physically strong men can't get enough women. 

[Someone here]

12 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

This is an overly exaggerated myth that is the foundation of modern day stage Red Masculinity which is mostly cringe because it doesn't truly align with female fascination. 

Hell, females can even sleep with gay dudes if he performs right. You're wrong about female psychology which leads me to the conclusion that you must have very little to zero sexual/romantic or relationship experience. Anybody familiar with how relationship works are aware that attraction plays a major role for the most part, followed by passionate sexual chemistry, it's not so much about stamina, rather its the chemistry that keeps the spark, even the lamest guy on planet earth can get a woman if he knows how to stimulate her heart and get her wet, that's why Emo guys win meanwhile physically strong men can't get enough women. 

Yes I don't have much sexual experience. But I approach and talk to girls everyday and I know what attracts them and what not . 

Just to be clear ..you are not saying that women are attracted to feminine guys (when you referred to the Emo types ) ? because that's just straight out wrong .

The problem that women face today is Mostly because there are far too many men in the world who don't treat women right. They either treat them with no respect, or far worse. This does not make men attractive to them.

In fact, this makes all women question whether there are any men who we can trust with our lives, since we all know instinctively that essentially any man could beat his wife up or kill her if he chose to. Women ook for a man who will actually love her and protect her from other men.

These are just basic laws of the jungle, but beyond that, most men don't put much effort into making themselves look sexually appealing to women. Conversely, women spend an inordinate amount of time making themselves look sexually appealing to men. If men made more of an effort in this area, more women would find them attractive.