Discovered an unconscious behaviour pattern

[Jannes]

A few days ago I had a light but really insightful 75ug 1V-Lsd trip. Almost instantly before the substance really hit I already got a few insights into my psyche:
(I made a previous thread where I talked about how I got bullied in many stages in my life. This adds another facet)
I often don’t respect people deep down. Socializing with other people often feels like a really uncomfortable drag to me. But through introspection from previous magic truffles trips I knew that I was kind of bullshitting myself because I saw my immense desire to be around people. I always thought my lack of interest in them was because they had no interest in spirituality and other deep topics and maybe it has a little bit to do with that but I discovered the more likely root cause in my past that I suppressed because of pride. So basically I always had difficulties finding friends. I am naturally pretty unagressive, good-natured and dreamy which is a pretty bad combination for surviving and also somewhat for finding friends. So my childhood was always embossed with me desperately trying to fit in and taking all sorts of bullshit in the process. A lot of memories reactivated through that realization and I want to highlight I few of them here because they showcase pretty well the way I acted:
In kindergarden I played like a clown to make other people laugh. They threw sand or snow at me or made fun of me in some other way and I acted like it wouldn’t bother me desperately trying to be a part of them. 
I had a friend who stole my precious Pokémon cards from me. I visited him and they were laying there. I said something like „Oh my Pokémon cards. I must have forgotten them here“ to him to not confront him and to not risk loosing our friendship. 
(And yes I 100% did not forget them there ?)
In graduate school I had difficulties finding new friends because I was one of the few people who knew nobody. I clang to one group I happened to sit nearby in lunch break. They didn’t respect me at all. They insulted me constantly and always told me to leave. I still followed them like a dog because I had nobody else. After weeks of insulting me they kind of gave up and somewhat accepted me in their group as the lowest hierarchy member. 

I never was in a position in life where I had a abundance of friends. I always had really few friends and most of them didn’t respect me. I always feared that if I lost them I wouldn’t have anybody else so I often let them abuse me.

So all of this resulted in me fearing really strongly to stand up for myself and also expecting others to hurt me again. 
The saying „hurt people hurt people“ is just so true for me. Somehow a lot of people were interested in a friendship with me in recent years and a lot of girls in a relationship with me. Even though I was super interested and showed interest I always put up unconscious avoidance patterns and hurt these people because they often put a lot of energy into it and thought I would reject them. I had so much regret for every person I unconsciously rejected and just couldn’t grasp the reasons why I acted the way I acted. 

[Jannes]

@Tahuti I saw how not respecting myself hurt me because I wasn’t authentic to my own values.

15 hours ago, Jannes said:

I had so much regret for every person I unconsciously rejected and just couldn’t grasp the reasons why I acted the way I acted.

That’s pure suffering right here. 

I also saw how my mindset that I might not good friends at all hurt me. 
 

You hang it with friends who give you good energy. It’s that simple. I completely forgot that this is what friendship is all about, am exchange of good energy.