Abruptly left in the middle of a hangout

[Sugarcoat]

Hello! 
So I’ve been trying to meet new people. One thing I did was I joined a discord server for this purpose. This guy my age texts me and we start chatting. 
We chat for maybe two weeks regularly (friendly way) and decide to meet up.

we clicked through text pretty decently so we decided that I can come over and leave my stuff there then we’ll go out and then come back and I’ll sleep over at his place so I don’t have to go home late. 
dumb idea for a first time

So today we met up. Keep in mind two people close to me had said negative things about this decision and said it was weird so I was slightly down because of that

I travel to his apartment and he welcomes me in. For some reason I felt a little weird already about it all . It was very fast from texting to now being at his place. (He didn’t act weird or anything tho)
 

we talk casually and and sit a bit at his sofa and while it was not awkward. It was…… boring ?

I felt we vibed more through text. 
I felt quite bored. And even had somewhat of an ick towards him and the whole situation. No offense though, just expressing what I genuinely felt.

90 min pass. We were gonna go out and eat. I still feel bored, I’m not feeling that we click and it’s not fun to me I’m not feeling the vibe. 

I think to myself that this will not change, it’s not like he’s gonna change in the middle of everything and also we texted for a while so I got to know him a lil

i go to the bathroom. I decide to be straightforward and honest so I go out and I tell him “hey so I’m gonna be honest, idk about you but I’m not feeling it so i will go home” 

he comes to the hall, seems a bit surprised but still takes it good and is chill and accepting, he asks “don’t you like me or” I say “it’s not personal I was just not feeling the vibe” . I wish him the best and leave. 
 

so what you guys think? A part of me feels slightly bad but still I was honest and always try to be. 
 

also keep in mind I’m a female, which might contribute a bit to me feeling a bit weird about it all.

I’ve learned not to go to peoples house the first time and definitely not plan to sleep over. I usually don’t do it, but he was just this super skinny non intimidating nerdy guy and based on his vibe there was no risk. 
I’ve learned to not take texting too seriously, just because you vibe through text doesn’t mean you do irl. 

This has happened before, I thought me and a guy vibed through text but I went on a romantic date w him and it felt like I was talking to a different person. 
 

thanks for reading 

[Raptorsin7]

I think you did nothing wrong here. I've left in the middle of a hookup because I thought I would be more attracted to her, but I was really turned off when we met up.

I think many modern people are so used to being online that they develop online personas. So he may be more comfortable communicating online, but in person he gets anxious, nervous etc. It's likely that if you gave him a chance to open up then overtime he would be able to show that side you met online in person. But you can't force attraction so the onus is on the guy to be someone that woman find attractive.

I don't think woman like scrawny harmless nerds so any guy reading this let this be a lesson about how not to be.

[Ulax]

Ye sounds to me like you handled it all in a reasonable way. I like what I see to be your leaving the date early in a respectful, yet healthily assertive way.

It sounds like you've learnt some things from the experience which seems great too.

[universe]

Welcome to the dating world!

Sounds like solid learnings you got there.

[Jacob Morres]

As long as it's emotionally intelligent it doesn't matter I think 

[shallotsometimes]

Agreed I think what you did was pretty mature. You told him how you felt without being mean. That's better than ditching him or finishing the date but ghosting him later.

[Sugarcoat]

7 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I think you did nothing wrong here. I've left in the middle of a hookup because I thought I would be more attracted to her, but I was really turned off when we met up.

I think many modern people are so used to being online that they develop online personas. So he may be more comfortable communicating online, but in person he gets anxious, nervous etc. It's likely that if you gave him a chance to open up then overtime he would be able to show that side you met online in person. But you can't force attraction so the onus is on the guy to be someone that woman find attractive.

I don't think woman like scrawny harmless nerds so any guy reading this let this be a lesson about how not to be.

I’ve experienced the same on dates. Instant turn off when I saw the person it’s pretty weird. Once it happened when a guy lied about his height, he said we were same height which I’m okay with but then I see he is obviously shorter than me so it felt awkward 

But I do think it’s much better to go with your feelings and be honest rather than to stay and try to play it off.

well this wasn’t a date. We were supposed to be friends so it wasn’t about attraction.

but I still felt weird about it, perhaps because it was so drastic I went to his place first time and thus you have to feel you click very well because you’re at their place and supposed to hangout so it’s kinda forced.

he wasn’t very different from text just a bit avoiding eye contact and not as energetic and fun but maybe I just got another image from text. I asked him if he’s uncomfortable and he said no so idk

i did think to give it more time to change but I thought that firstly it won’t change because we already got to “know” each other through text so we past that initial stage. Secondly, we were supposed to go out and buy food soon and I felt that I don’t wanna spend money in a situation where I feel weird and not having fun. So I left 

well that’s why it wasn’t a date! 

[Raptorsin7]

32 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

well this wasn’t a date. We were supposed to be friends so it wasn’t about attraction.

That's interesting it wasn't a date. Do you think he had romantic intentions? If you guys were just platonic friends then it is kinda weird to leave because you do not feel the vibe. 

Yeah, I think it's not a great idea to meet someone at their house for a first hang out unless you've been friends online for a long time or have some incredible connection or something.

So what were you really looking for in this interaction? Do you just want friends or do you want a romantic partner?

[Sugarcoat]

29 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

That's interesting it wasn't a date. Do you think he had romantic intentions? If you guys were just platonic friends then it is kinda weird to leave because you do not feel the vibe. 

Yeah, I think it's not a great idea to meet someone at their house for a first hang out unless you've been friends online for a long time or have some incredible connection or something.

So what were you really looking for in this interaction? Do you just want friends or do you want a romantic partner?

this is the first time in my life I’ve done something like this. Basically I joined a discord for people looking to meet new people in my city and we started to chat.

I don’t think he had romantic intentions no we have both made it clear it’s friendly. 

you think it’s weird? 
I get that. I’ve never left like that before. 
i think since we met at his place it was very drastic from texting to suddenly at his place. 
also before the meet up, two people close to me had said negative things about my decision so I aldready felt kinda down. 

ngl through text I was looking forward to the meet up, to make a new friend and have have fun but for some reason when I met him I instantly felt a slight ick and weird about it all.

Also I suspect that him being conventionally unattractive and fitting into the negative “nerdy guy” stereotype might have contributed to my slight ick and weird feeling about it all. I always try to be as open minded as possible but societal conditioning can still affect one’s feelings in a way one can’t control so meanwhile I feel bad about writing this I’m just tryna create a clear picture  

I think it would’ve been different if we met outside, not as drastic and forced.

and also it would’ve been different if he was female, would’ve felt less weird.

also when you’re at someone’s place it’s like you have to connect well otherwise it feels weird because you’re literally alone in a lil apartment. So you’re right, I’ve learned a lesson. Meet outside first (which is a principle I have with all my dates, this wasn’t a date tho but still should apply)

So basically I just felt weird about the situation and didn’t feel it was fun at all. And we were just about to go out and get food because he was hungry so my mind was like “I’m not gonna spend money on something that don’t feel good”.

if we weren’t planning on getting food soon I would’ve probably stayed to give it more a chance.

I thought maybe I cut it too early but also I thought that it won’t change since we already got to know each other a bit through text so we have overcome that initial awkwardness, might be wrong tho. plus he stated he felt comfortable meanwhile for me it didn’t look like it fully from my pov. But everyone’s different in how they carry themselves and so on. 

I’m this interaction I was looking for friendship because I wasn’t attracted to him at all
 

[Raptorsin7]

@Sugarcoat Do you think if you just had a boyfriend you would feel a need for these kinds of meet up groups?

[Sugarcoat]

29 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Sugarcoat Do you think if you just had a boyfriend you would feel a need for these kinds of meet up groups?

If I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t chat with random guys online and def not meet up that’s for sure

yea I prob wouldn’t feel the need to

also if I had more friends 

I have some friends I keep in contact regularly but it’s less hangouts than I desire and since I didn’t go to uni immediately I just work now it’s hard to meet new people where I work so I attempted at some desperate ways 

 

[Raptorsin7]

Just now, Sugarcoat said:

If I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t chat with random guys online and def not meet up that’s for sure

yea I prob wouldn’t feel the need to

also if I had more friends 

I have some friends I keep in contact regularly but it’s less hangouts than I desire and since I didn’t go to uni immediately I just work now it’s hard to meet new people where I work so I attempted at some desperate ways 

 

Ahh i get you. Yeah, loneliness is tough. I've met some cool people on the forum I consider friends, but it's hard to meet like minded people in the world. Most of the people I keep in contact with in my city are not into spirituality the same way I am. 

My plan is to travel and spend time in ashrams/communities to immerse myself in environments with conscious people. But as far as living in a city it's tough.

Maybe you can find a way to become financially self sufficient so you can travel and broaden your social network

[Sugarcoat]

4 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Ahh i get you. Yeah, loneliness is tough. I've met some cool people on the forum I consider friends, but it's hard to meet like minded people in the world. Most of the people I keep in contact with in my city are not into spirituality the same way I am. 

My plan is to travel and spend time in ashrams/communities to immerse myself in environments with conscious people. But as far as living in a city it's tough.

Maybe you can find a way to become financially self sufficient so you can travel and broaden your social network

It is! Also I don’t live in America and most people online seem to be from there so it’s even harder. 

I don’t know anyone irl that is into what I’m into either.  

I’m fine with my friends tho because we connect in other ways such as humor, so one can have different people with different connections but I def desire more. 
 

that sounds like a great idea I wish you the best on fulfilling that plan! 
 

yes a financial situation like that is a long term goal of mine. So as of now I guess I’ll just keep trying and putting myself out there

[Raptorsin7]

Just now, Sugarcoat said:

It is! Also I don’t live in America and most people online seem to be from there so it’s even harder. 

I don’t know anyone irl that is into what I’m into either.  

I’m fine with my friends tho because we connect in other ways such as humor, so one can have different people with different connections but I def desire more. 
 

that sounds like a great idea I wish you the best on fulfilling that plan! 
 

yes a financial situation like that is a long term goal of mine. So as of now I guess I’ll just keep trying and putting myself out there

Yeah, just 21st century problems, haha.

Good luck making more friends, you seem like a cool person

[Sugarcoat]

10 hours ago, Ulax said:

Ye sounds to me like you handled it all in a reasonable way. I like what I see to be your leaving the date early in a respectful, yet healthily assertive way.

It sounds like you've learnt some things from the experience which seems great too.

Thank you. Yea I think I try to find a balance between being honest and assertive but still considerate of others emotions

[Sugarcoat]

15 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Yeah, just 21st century problems, haha.

Good luck making more friends, you seem like a cool person

Yea typical

 

thank you ,you seem pretty cool and chilll too!!

[Sugarcoat]

10 hours ago, universe said:

Welcome to the dating world!

Sounds like solid learnings you got there.

Definitely ?

[Sugarcoat]

6 hours ago, Jacob Morres said:

As long as it's emotionally intelligent it doesn't matter I think 

Yup ig

[EternalForest]

"I’ve learned not to go to peoples house the first time and definitely not plan to sleep over. I usually don’t do it, but he was just this super skinny non intimidating nerdy guy and based on his vibe there was no risk. "

Maybe the vibe sucked because you subconsciously made him feel like he was dangerous? I definitely don't go into a hangout worried if someone there is going to beat me up. Like, what?

[Sugarcoat]

1 hour ago, EternalForest said:

"I’ve learned not to go to peoples house the first time and definitely not plan to sleep over. I usually don’t do it, but he was just this super skinny non intimidating nerdy guy and based on his vibe there was no risk. "

Maybe the vibe sucked because you subconsciously made him feel like he was dangerous? I definitely don't go into a hangout worried if someone there is going to beat me up. Like, what?

we texted a bit afterwards and it was made pretty clear that it wasn’t to do with a sense of danger. Nothing in what he wrote suggested that he thought it has anything to do with that, it wasn’t even mentioned as a possibility. 
 

he didn’t act weird or anything, I asked him how he felt and he replied positively. It wasn’t particularly awkward either just my own inner world feeling otherwise. So it was on my part, he seemed to enjoy from what he said so it was not like he noticed I felt off

 

i didn’t worry about danger with him it had nothing to do with it. Me saying I’ve learned not to go to peoples house so early in this post has to do with it being more suitable to meet outside in case you don’t click. 
but safety is ofc another more important reason as to why one as a female should stick to that principle generally as I’ve done before