Why Are You In A Relationship?

[ElenaO]

If you are in a relationship, why have you chosen to be in one? Have you thought about it?
I was thinking about this today, because I am seeing a guy right now and I want to make sure this doesn't lead yet to another dead-end.

The answers I've found for myself:
1. feeling of relatedness

2. sharing the moments together 

3. having fun & supporting each other at unfortunate moments in life

4. sexual aspect

The order in which I've put the above isn't necessarily connected with the importance or intensity. For example, the sexual attraction is at its height right now.

I must also mention that there are some fears that motivate me to pursue a relationship. For example, the pressure of having kids. And the fear of being lonely on the weekends.

 

[Life Coach]

I'm in a relationship with my waifu ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) http://gatebox.ai/

When this beauty comes with a real-sized android body I'll treat myself one. Why you ask? Because:

1. I'm a natural loner who can't stand being with other human beings.

2. I completely don't give a fuck anymore.

3. She'll be perfect for sex/masturbation and still cheaper than relationships, one night stands and hookers in the long run with no dissadvantages of all those and waste of ressources.

4. Life will be like https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chobits except I am not a freak who falls in love with a robot but use it only for entertainment, sex and housework.

5. I will push getting weird and opting out of society and becomming a hermit monk who fucks an android to the limits.

Good times are coming

[Principium Nexus]

I'm not in a relationship but I think meaning is what makes it work.

If your doing it purely for sex than it won't last that long. A relation is build being able to help each other in life. The feeling of being able to support each other and experiencing this journey of life.

I often have the feeling many people see relations as a commodity and as long as people act like that they wont find a deeper connection. Live for each other and not only because it makes your life better.

[Loreena]

@Life Coach Who does that ?

[Life Coach]

2 hours ago, Loreena said:

@Life Coach Who does that ?

Someone who has way too much fun I don't take myself very serious

[Martin123]

3 hours ago, Life Coach said:

5. I will push getting weird and opting out of society and becomming a hermit monk who fucks an android to the limits.

Good times are coming

you're my hero

[Oneness]

@Life Coach I lol'ed 

[aurum]

Besides that I don't want to end up like @Life Coach , I'd say there's plenty of reasons I'm in a relationship.

One is that relationships are amazing personal development coaches. Wherever your bullshit is, a relationship is going to rip it out and shove it in your face.

Another is better sex. There are certain things you just can't do with a ONS or fuck buddy.

Another is that I'm lazer focused on career right now. It's just way more practical to be with one woman who supports me 100% than trying to deal with all the bullshit of being single.

How about deep connection with one person? Getting to grow and support each other together?

So those are some general reasons. Obviously they all hinge on the idea that you have an amazing partner in your relationship. A relationship with someone who isn't that caliber is probably going to be worse than being single.

 

[ElenaO]

@aurum Love the idea, that they are our personal development coaches. I notice though, that depending on the relationship, these coaches have different intensity levels.

How about the fears? Any fears motivate you to be in a relationship? Because I certainly do. Maybe they are not very strong, but I do notice them.

I also haven't mentioned in my post that relationships are also logical financial-wise. Of course, both partners should contribute for this to be fair.

 

 

[Life Coach]

16 minutes ago, ElenaO said:

I also haven't mentioned in my post that relationships are also logical financial-wise. Of course, both partners should contribute for this to be fair.

This may be true but in very rare cases. It will not apply for the common non self-actualizing couple.

18 minutes ago, ElenaO said:

How about the fears? Any fears motivate you to be in a relationship? Because I certainly do. Maybe they are not very strong, but I do notice them.

When there is fear involved you already know you are not really on the right path, or at least you need to grow more. That relationship you engage in might get dysfunctional, because when fear corrupts the roots of the relationship then the whole relationship will be corrupted. I am sure @ajasatya has a few things to say on this, he seems pretty advanced on the topic and made some great posts before. Fear should never be a motivating factor, not even a little. However I can understand that you can't help it. Not everyone is an enlightened master from the start.

[ajasatya]

my relationships, including my intimate one of course, are means to my deepest expression of Love, which goes beyond thinking and words, reaching gestures and acts.

relationships as means to reach Love are egoistic and entail suffering. Love must be the ground foundation and relationships arise from it.

[Nahm]

More of a in hindsight comment but, my relationship, having chose to be with my wife, is now a life surrounded by love. I learned unconditional love from the contrast of relationship love. I learned unconditional love 3 times over from having 3 kids. I learned the difference between loving things, loving people and unconditional love. 

[ajasatya]

9 minutes ago, Nahm said:

More of a in hindsight comment but, my relationship, having chose to be with my wife, is now a life surrounded by love. I learned unconditional love from the contrast of relationship love. I learned unconditional love 3 times over from having 3 kids. I learned the difference between loving things, loving people and unconditional love. 

insanely beautiful words.

[ElenaO]

55 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

my relationships, including my intimate one of course, are means to my deepest expression of Love, which goes beyond thinking and words, reaching gestures and acts.

relationships as means to reach Love are egoistic and entail suffering. Love must be the ground foundation and relationships arise from it.

Well, these seem like nice words, but frankly they do not provide much of a details of a good relationship.

[Flare]

You still seem to come from an place of so called co-dependence. You pretty much summed up which are your motivations for an relationships in this case. Your fear is most likely motivated trough your, which doesn't want you (especially as a woman) to live alone, not being protected.  So some of your motivations  are based on what you can get and not based on what you can give. In a relationship where one or both of you are takers, motivated by what they can get, coming out of the co-dependence frame, you gotta experience some suffering. Suffering for an relationship can be beautiful in his own way though. 

So let's talk about "the best" intentions for an relationship: You come from a place of so called intra-dependence. Your evolution as an human being goes like that: complete dependence (parents etc.), co-dependence (you need attention, love etc. from other people, bc you didn't yet created and ecosystem of good emotions to be able to solve this for your self), independence (you only rely on yourself, you don't want a relationship) and your final form is intra-dependence. That's the point where you're independent, but realize that being in a relationship, contributing to the world etc. is in fact better than just fighting for your own. I think there is a metaphor, where stage on is 0+0=0 1+1=2 and last but not least you got 1+1=11. 

For a healthy relationship you should focus on what you both can contribute into it. You will get more out of it than you can ever imagine. But focusing on what you can get out of it will just lead to suffering. Your frame (and motivation) is to share. This actually does apply to having someone "to grow together" as well. If you want someone to grow with you, you still want to take something from them. This will evolve naturally , if you both come from a sharing frame. The reason here is pretty simple: you both can create something together. (Whatever it is, goals, family etc.) 

 

But personally I would suggest you to go for it in any case if the physical attraction is high and you got enough sex drive. The relationship just might not be for ages. You will learn in any case.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Flare

[ajasatya]

2 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Well, these seem like nice words, but frankly they do not provide much of a details of a good relationship.

you want me to list things that i should expect from a relationship and that's the problem because i don't expect anything. i just want to express how affectionate i can be. i don't want to get anything FROM it. i don't even NEED a relationship. it's a bonus in my life because i'm already complete. in fact, everyone is already complete but people are convinced otherwise.

[Samuel Garcia]

@ajasatya

4 hours ago, ajasatya said:

my relationships, including my intimate one of course, are means to my deepest expression of Love, which goes beyond thinking and words, reaching gestures and acts.

What you mean by love? Is love giving without expecting in return? Is it just being there for the other person? Something else.

The problem for me is that I don't feel complete by myself. There is a need. But how can I get rid of the need of someone and just be complete by myself?

[Loreena]

@ajasatya your thoughts (and insights)  on this are wonderful and true. Very meaningful and insightful. Even I think same.Thanks for sharing. 

[Shin]

22 minutes ago, Samuel Garcia said:

@ajasatya

What you mean by love? Is love giving without expecting in return? Is it just being there for the other person? Something else.

The problem for me is that I don't feel complete by myself. There is a need. But how can I get rid of the need of someone and just be complete by myself?

(True) Love is when you realize there is no boundary between "you" and everything else.

You don't need anything from anyone, since you already are everything.

This is why you feel amazing when you help other people, because in the end, you're helping yourself.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Shin

[ajasatya]

4 minutes ago, Samuel Garcia said:

@ajasatya

What you mean by love? Is love giving without expecting in return? Is it just being there for the other person? Something else.

The problem for me is that I don't feel complete by myself. There is a need. But how can I get rid of the need of someone and just be complete by myself?

the love i experience is an intense happiness due to the fact that i am alive right now. it's impossible to experience it if you haven't subjected your mind to a training process yet because the unconsciously conditioned mind is attached to the past and/or the future. thus you experience neediness, loneliness, remorse, fear and anxiety.

if the mind is consciously conditioned to pay attention to what you are right now, then you will be content and peaceful. anger will be transformed into tenderness and neediness will be transformed into contemplation.

if you ask me what to do, the best thing i can do is tell you what i did. i subjected myself to a rigorous zen training. meditation (zazen) routine, present mind practice throughout the day, lots of zen readings and retreats.

thanks, @Loreena. suffering + pointers like the ones i'm giving saved my life.