I feel like I cannot be myself around girls..

[Illusory Self]

I have some deep childhood conditioning that I am not quite sure how to exactly get rid of. I can sleep with girls, in fact a lot. I have loads of experiences of girls giving me validation and liking me but I still have this fear on naturally expressing myself. In the bedroom, talking, communicating, knowing what to talk about, what to text them. The primary thought is "if I say the wrong thing I might get rejected", it even happens with girls who clearly show they like me and even had sex with me over 3 times. 

The fear of shame and afraid of expressing my authentic self incase of rejection. I would send a girl a text who I have been sleeping with and in the time period she doesn't respond, I will feel bad - like I said the wrong thing. 

These thoughts get incredibly intense and repetitive. I know I must do inner work to correct all the conditioning from the unwanted beliefs that I have been fed but I really want to know how to precisely cure this problem. I am becoming so acutely aware of my traumas and negative thinking when it comes to being around others. 

I guess I am looking for specific action steps to take to correct and undo this trauma instead of just saying do 'inner work'. I try doing that but it feels like the thoughts are always still there, constantly persisting. I meditate everyday but it does not make them go away. 

Maybe it will just take time.. 

I want to be enough without the feeling of needing to say the right thing to impress someone. I put on a mask for my true authentic self. Loads of layers of armor that I have built to almost protect myself, based on past rejection, bad reference experiences, being bullied, feeling judged, etc...

 

Tend to harp on this negative story of not being good enough for anyone... almost like the next rejection is just around the corner

Edited September 1, 2022 by Illusory Self

[NoSelfSelf]

Because you dont trust yourself when you dont trust yourself you depend on externals(codependent mind),like now you want our advice that you will depend on because you abandon yourself for advice ,so no matter how many experiences you have you will feel not good enough because confidence comes from trust in yourself and trust in yourself comes from independent thinking that you hold as absolute and sacrade to yourself...

You have all this rules and theory that you depend on to succede with girls and they are not coming from you thats what you heard and now acting out..

Now you are depending from externals for validation self worth thats why you cant be yourself

Basically lack of self belief(trust in you) is why you have this problem...

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Communication problem. 

You only sleep with them but you don't share with them and you're scared of being judged. 

Liberate yourself from the fears of judgement. 

Causes

• Social anxiety disorder 
• Childhood trauma 
• Lack of intimacy 
• Fear of judgment 
• Insecurity
• Overthinking
• Introversion 
• Lack of exposure 
• Lack of openness 
• Bad relationship experiences
• Low self esteem 
• Analysis paralysis 

 

You don't spend enough quality time with your partners. 

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[NoSelfSelf]

@Tyler Robinson hows external things gonna help him 

This is deeper problem than communication or sharin ?

His whole mind is in hell ive been there and im still somewhat in there but its a 360 degree change from all about outside to all about inside me!

[Tyler Robinson]

@NoSelfSelf of course the problem goes deeper. But lack of sharing and communication causes people to not be confident enough to be themselves. Meanwhile they need to investigate inner reasons, they might try to communicate their feelings to their partner to let go of fears, it might need some practice. 

[Razard86]

15 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Because you dont trust yourself when you dont trust yourself you depend on externals(codependent mind),like now you want our advice that you will depend on because you abandon yourself for advice ,so no matter how many experiences you have you will feel not good enough because confidence comes from trust in yourself and trust in yourself comes from independent thinking that you hold as absolute and sacrade to yourself...

You have all this rules and theory that you depend on to succede with girls and they are not coming from you thats what you heard and now acting out..

Now you are depending from externals for validation self worth thats why you cant be yourself

Basically lack of self belief(trust in you) is why you have this problem...

 

^ Completely and utterly this. This is the ONLY problem you will ever have in this dream we call life. Is this. All evil comes from this, all fear comes from this, all trauma comes from this. It is only because you have the wrong definition of what is the SELF? As long as you don't know what SELF truly is....you will struggle in some way. 

Its quite funny when you discover the truth...makes you feel foolish. But its incredibly funny. 

Here is a video a friend showed me that makes this point. 

https://fb.watch/fgHfNSN0Ob/

Also Sadhguru makes this point as well.

 

There is no right way or wrong way to do something. Everything is just happening so you really cannot make HARD rules. Just do, and pay attention to the feedback you get and adjust. Think of it as life is pitching different types of pitches at you. You can't say life is a fast ball, because you will miss the curve ball, you can't say life is a curve ball because you will miss the fast ball. Learn to heighten your awareness in situations and adjust to what is happening IN THE MOMENT. Life is only experienced in the moment. So be present, and act and whatever shall be, shall be. Stop trying to control things. All desire for control is FEAR BASED. Fear repels what you want, and draws to you WHAT YOU FEAR. You will receive whatever you fear, until the fear is recognized for the illusion it is.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Tyler Robinson You are making it about other people thats the whole problem why he feels like he cannot be themself... your advice is like give alchocholic more drink so he can feel happy again 

Hes codependent going to depend on mercy of others ?

[NoSelfSelf]

@Razard86 Yeah its a superpower when you nail it if there was no "material survival" that would be it ?

[Tyler Robinson]

2 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Tyler Robinson You are making it about other people thats the whole problem why he feels like he cannot be themself... your advice is like give alchocholic more drink so he can feel happy again 

Hes codependent going to depend on mercy of others ?

I was telling him to open up so that he can get rid of his fears. The fear comes from dependency on judgement. When he will open up he will no longer what the other person thinks. He will free himself from that fear. It doesn't matter what the other person thinks but it's important to communicate to build confidence. 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Tyler Robinson Then i would be a superman i used to say everyone what was going inside me thats only temporary fix...

Permenent fix is going inwards and depend on myself for everything where i dont need anything from anyone(still not there but its night and day what it was)

[Tyler Robinson]

@NoSelfSelf of course. 

[Razard86]

1 hour ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Tyler Robinson 

Permenent fix is going inwards and depend on myself for everything where i dont need anything from anyone

1. That's a trap as well. I just had a guy where I live lug something tough up some stairs. He was afraid to "bother" anyone so he tried lugging it up stairs and made a WHOLE bunch of noise. By trying to NOT bother others... he ended up bothering others. I ended up telling him next time he needs some help tell me.

2. After that incident I laughed because I have that same problem, quick to help others but hate asking for help. What ends up happening sometimes is you can make an issue worse not asking for help and by the time you finally swallow your pride and do it, the person is like DUDE had you asked me earlier you would already be home and the issue wouldn't be as bad as it is now. 

We still need others whether we like it or not.

[Raze]

watch David Tian’s “modern mating explained” and “practical psychology for extraordinary living“ series on YouTube 

 

Get internal family systems therapy 

Edited September 1, 2022 by Raze

[something_else]

You sound very similar to me. I have received a lot of validation too but it never seems to stick and fix the core anxieties.

I think what you have is likely just a very bad case of social anxiety. It’s most likely what I have too. I wish I knew the solution, honestly. 

Couple questions;

Were you bullied as a kid?

Are there ever times where you don’t feel like you have these anxieties about expressing yourself?

[NoSelfSelf]

@Razard86 No psychological need from anyone i meant...

[Razard86]

4 minutes ago, Raze said:

watch David Tian’s “modern mating explained” and “practical psychology for extraordinary living“ series on YouTube 

 

Get internal family systems therapy 

I might start calling you Raze the Family Systems Therapy Person lol.

[Razard86]

2 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Razard86 No psychological need from anyone i meant...

Oh my mistake got you I agree. Seems I was projecting on that one lol.

[Illusory Self]

21 hours ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Communication problem. 

You only sleep with them but you don't share with them and you're scared of being judged. 

Liberate yourself from the fears of judgement. 

Causes

• Social anxiety disorder 
• Childhood trauma 
• Lack of intimacy 
• Fear of judgment 
• Insecurity
• Overthinking
• Introversion 
• Lack of exposure 
• Lack of openness 
• Bad relationship experiences
• Low self esteem 
• Analysis paralysis 

 

You don't spend enough quality time with your partners. 

 

@Tyler Robinson

The problem goes very deep. I proactively go out of my own way to try and be with a girl. Ignoring my own emotions and needs. You see usually after I see a girl around 3 times, they cut me out of there life so I have developed a fear that may happen again. It's an extreme fear of rejection, I find it so hard to open up and be myself. I always feel like 'i'm being fake' around others. 

My plan is to focus on only myself for the next 3 months before trying to delve into the company of others. My life is far more important. It will be hard and I hope I push through because the cravings get intense. 

[Illusory Self]

20 hours ago, something_else said:

You sound very similar to me. I have received a lot of validation too but it never seems to stick and fix the core anxieties.

I think what you have is likely just a very bad case of social anxiety. It’s most likely what I have too. I wish I knew the solution, honestly. 

Couple questions;

Were you bullied as a kid?

Are there ever times where you don’t feel like you have these anxieties about expressing yourself?

@something_else

What's even worse is I find it hard to be compassionate towards others. I am always taking. 

I was. No, I even get these anxieties when I am typing to you right now. 

Maybe I could of said something better... always second guessing every action I take. 

Yes, I want to around 10-15 different schools and was isolated/bullied in most of them. Had toxic friends who used to bully me a lot also. My past is primarily based on people not being nice to me. Of course it is not, just wanted beliefs and conditioning. I know I must love myself more and not hate myself so much. 

It's a learning experience and I could of had it worse. Spending years playing computer games and not really talking to anyone probably did not help. 

[Tyler Robinson]

@Illusory Self can I know your zodiac sign?