Should you build your life up before searching for a girlfriend/wife?

[7thLetter]

Should you work on yourself, work on your finances, your health, confidence, social skills, etc. before finding a significant other?

I'm sort of in a place where I have so much to work on about myself and my financial situation that I believe I don't deserve a quality woman just yet. To a point where I don't even want to try pursuing women right now because I know my lifestyle and finances are shit.

Lately I've been working on my masculinity, my health, mental health, physique, etc. And there's no doubt that some women find me attractive but what's the use of that initial attraction if I don't have the rest of my shit together? I'd attract a female but she'll be turned off by the fact that I don't do shit in terms of my career. Financial and emotional stability plus decent or good lifestyle, I believe is what will keep a quality woman around.

Thoughts? Is it fine to casually date in this situation or just let go of the idea of females completely until you got everything together?

[Nightwise]

From a relative perspective, nobody is perfect, and perfection can never be reached. It is a noble thing to want to only get a girlfriend once you get your shit together, but why not get a girlfriend whilst you are in the process of getting to that point? You may not be perfect, but so won't your girlfriend be. Is that a bad thing? I would say not.

What's wrong with going into a relationship where both of you have some aspects of yourself that are a little bit thwarted and a little bit messed up? You will encounter those aspects within yourself and in the relationships and there will be conflicts, but that's how you grow. Why would that be a bad thing?

In fact, if you do want to get the perfect girlfriend (and again, perfection doesn't exist except from an absolute perspective), then it's almost impossible for yourself to be perfect if you haven't had the chance to practice yourself in the area of dating, relationships and intimacy. Just because you get your finances, health, general confidence and so forth together, does that mean you will automatically also be good in relationships if you never have given yourself the chance to practice it? Maybe, but maybe also not. It's a big gamble to take at least, and it's a gamble I feel like you shouldn't have to take.

Edited September 1, 2022 by Nightwise

[Razard86]

4 minutes ago, Nightwise said:

From a relative perspective, nobody is perfect, and perfection can never be reached. It is a noble thing to want to only get a girlfriend once you get your shit together, but why not get a girlfriend whilst you are in the process of getting to that point? You may not be perfect, but so won't your girlfriend be. Is that a bad thing? I would say not.

What's wrong with going into a relationship where both of you have some aspects of yourself that are a little bit thwarted and a little bit messed up? You will encounter those aspects within yourself and in the relationships and there will be conflicts, but that's how you grow. Why would that be a bad thing?

In fact, if you do want to get the perfect girlfriend (and again, perfection doesn't exist except from an absolute perspective), then it's almost impossible for yourself to be perfect if you haven't had the chance to practice yourself in the area of dating, relationships and intimacy. Just because you get your finances, health, general confidence and so forth together, does that mean you will automatically also be good in relationships if you never have given yourself the chance to practice it? Maybe, but maybe also not. It's a big gamble to take at least, and it's a gamble I feel like you shouldn't have to take.

While I do agree, the only thing I will say is having a girlfriend uses up time and money to actually make more money. This is not the case all the time but in most cases it will be. So in one sense it can help him weed out women who may not want to be with him genuinely but in the other it could also be a distraction from him from improving his career. 

There is always a trade off. Got to pick one and dive right in.

[mr_engineer]

@7thLetter Depends on how well you understand women. 

My first priority in your position would be to understand women, how they work, how to attract them, how to hook them, maybe get laid before I figure out what 'having it together' even means, in the context of dating.

And yeah. At this stage, keep it casual. Don't try to get too serious. And if you find yourself wanting to get serious, that's desperation. Maybe get therapy, maybe do shadow-work to resolve that stuff. Whatever you do, don't cope with it or assume that a woman is going to fix that for you. 

Now, if you're past this part and you have no problem attracting women, you know what you want and how to get it and now, you want to build your life up for a serious relationship, now casual sex is a waste of your time. Now, you cut out the distractions and build yourself up. 

The reason for this order of doing things is that I would want to make sure that the way I'm attracting women isn't dependent on things like my body, my money or my social-status. I would want to be able to attract women only using my game. Cuz that's how to find true compatibility and that's how to have a relationship last long-term. You don't want your 'personal-development' to be the reason your woman sticks around. Cuz if that's the case, when shit hits the fan, she'll leave you. 

You want someone who will be with you in the journey. Not someone who will 'stand at the finish-line and pick the winner' as the Entrepreneurs in Cars guy says!! 

Edited September 1, 2022 by mr_engineer

[Roy]

Life is far too short. If you want a girlfriend/wife, go get one. You'll probably never feel like "enough" anyways so what's the point in making yourself wait?

 

[NoSelfSelf]

No its an excuse in disguise 

Being good with girls is being around them and build skill towards it...

No matter how good your life is wont substitute for weak game...

[7thLetter]

I found this Instagram video:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Ch5iQy3glIF/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=

[Jannes]

You will never be at a place where you think "damn I got my shit 100% handled, now it’s time to get a gf.“ It could also become an avoidance tactic if you are afraid of rejection where you basically keep telling yourself that you aren’t there yet to avoid facing your fears.