Disconnecting From Family

[Devin]

Will I likely regret disconnecting from my family, and is it unhealthy to do it?

My family is a bit toxic, dysfunctional, and the source of most of my trauma. I'm pretty disconnected from them and have been. I loved them and care about them, my childhood and our relationships are a part of who I am, it's a little strange to me how easily I've walked away and don't really ever look back or feel like doing so.

I plan on doing some therapy and this will be something to talk about for sure, I don't think about my past much at all, I don't reminisce or keep momentos. Is this a sign of a problem? I appreciate my past and to put it in my words adore it, but I still don't reminisce, it was f'd up at times, but not like dateline news f'd up.

They're definitely sad I've disconnected, anything I should look at? Look up? Consider?

Edited September 1, 2022 by Devin

[Ulax]

Hey dude,

I've disconnected from my family for over a year for similar reasons.

I think Dr Ramani and Patrick Teahan have some useful resources on Youtube. I like Dr Ramani particularly because she's no bs about it. She grounds her stuff in science and her clinical experience, to my understanding too.

I personally think its healthy to do. However, I'd note it can be a tricky adjustment period.

[Devin]

@Ulax I'll watch them, thanks

[puporing]

It's good to have some distance to process things more objectively, and allowing yourself the space to grieve if needed.. and once you feel better about where you are mental/emotionally it's still fine to reconnect again, hopefully without or with minimal amount of the same dynamics. Thats something you'd have to gauge your comfort level and ability to set some boundaries with them. When you first do it boundary setting might not feel good or normal.

Oh and watch for the guilt coming up. The guilt is not you, it was something they gave you.

The space "apart" can also give them an opportunity to grow too as often parents have their kids as emotional crutches that prevent their own healing and growth. 

And yeah it can be hard to do all this "alone" without support. But you got to recognize that this may be a necessary step in your growth journey to be more healed and whole. And the love doesn't have to go away, you can learn to see the bigger picture, of how their way of being toward you was also something they've learned from their parents and so on. It gives you more empathy potentially in the process.

Edited September 1, 2022 by puporing

[Arcangelo]

3 hours ago, Devin said:

Will I likely regret disconnecting from my family, and is it unhealthy to do it?

When I disconnect with someone my only regret is not having done it earlier...

[Devin]

1 hour ago, puporing said:

It's good to have some distance to process things more objectively, and allowing yourself the space to grieve if needed.. and once you feel better about where you are mental/emotionally it's still fine to reconnect again, hopefully without or with minimal amount of the same dynamics. Thats something you'd have to gauge your comfort level and ability to set some boundaries with them. When you first do it boundary setting might not feel good or normal.

Oh and watch for the guilt coming up. The guilt is not you, it was something they gave you.

The space "apart" can also give them an opportunity to grow too as often parents have their kids as emotional crutches that prevent their own healing and growth. 

And yeah it can be hard to do all this "alone" without support. But you got to recognize that this may be a necessary step in your growth journey to be more healed and whole. And the love doesn't have to go away, you can learn to see the bigger picture, of how their way of being toward you was also something they've learned from their parents and so on. It gives you more empathy potentially in the process.

Thanks

I see no value in a relationship with them, only sentimental, which isn't really my thing.

Edited September 1, 2022 by Devin

[Devin]

1 hour ago, Arcangelo said:

When I disconnect with someone my only regret is not having done it earlier...

I've thought the same thing, what else I could have done with the time and energy, so much energy

[King Merk]

Nothing wrong with crating space from them. You don’t even have to “dosconnect” from them entirely.

Personally, I was growing tired & resentful of my friends and family back home so I moved 2000 miles away to the other side of the country.

This move has counterintuitively helped me with my relationship to my family. It’s allowed those I care less about in my family (like the extended aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc) to naturally drift away out of my life.

All the while those who I do truly care about (parents, siblings, cousin) I still keep in contact with via monthly phone calls and 1-2 times per year visit home.

Dont let societal conditioning tell you that you’re a piece of shit for not valuing family above all. That’s just not authentic for some of us. 

Edited September 1, 2022 by King Merk