Counter Bullying And Cynicism

[Steph1988]

After working over 10 years in many kitchens i saw a lot of bullying and people being pushed around and in the management functions it is often even worse.

I used to be pushed around in the early years because i guessed i was in the wrong, I am inexperienced, I do stupid things.

Now i realize that is often not the case and there is just a lot of attempts at controlling involved i guess for its own sake. So u begin to develop a thick skin and being generally well spoken i began build up an effective defense.

When i see someone actively try to control me for their own well being i often see that as the ultimate insult and i just want to completely crush them i want to see them break and sometimes that worked wonders. 

But i don't like this at all i am not like this, i want everyone to help each other grow, i never started it, this is what i think to myself, it is so damn primitive.

My worldview can grow cynical at times because i see it everywhere and the idea of humanity being one can sometimes feel like woowoo hippie stuff.

How would an enlightened person handle this then? do they want revenge? do they want to crush their attackers? because sometimes its just a necessity, It is better then being pushed around all the time.

 

  

 

[Nahm]

There is no assertion.

[Steph1988]

35 minutes ago, Nahm said:

There is no assertion.

I don't understand i looked that word up

assertion=A statement that you strongly believe is true.

[Loreena]

I sympathize with you. I have been in similar situations. Trust me it's way harder than you think. Initially you always blame yourself. It's a natural human reaction. I did this too. It takes time to realize that some people out there just do this, apparently for no good reason. Even if you try to do your best and manage to avoid mistakes, they would still pick out something to bully you for. The problem gets worse if they get successful in sabotaging your career, life, goals. We assume that everyone should help each other, it's a natural instinct in genuine and simple people. But sadly the world doesn't work like that. Just too many scavengers and wolves out there to eat you. Humanity can never be truly one in my humble opinion. That is just a utopian fantasy. There is just too much division, ego conflicts, hatred, jealousy, toxicity for oneness to materialize. And do not think that your worldview is cynical even if you think that humanity is doomed because what you think or assume is coming from your direct observation of reality, so nothing wrong with that. It creates a cognitive dissonance in the mind because it is in direct conflict with your idealistic thinking. Actually what you are thinking is good (those thoughts or ideas come from good intentions) but those thoughts clash with hardcore reality.

 

How would an enlightened person handle this then? .. Well this is the real deal. An enlightened person would not waste his time or care too much about bullies. He will focus on his growth. He will get along with those who resonate with him. He will keep it positive and not let all the negativity bring him down. But this requires lot of emotional and mental effort. Revenge is no good. Things only get worse when you engage with negative people. They will become successful in what they intended to do. Some people may not have real intentions to be unpleasant with you. They may just have an annoying and bullying nature.

It's nice to imagine yourself crushing your attackers but sometimes those attackers don't back down. They could get stronger and vicious with time. They could try new tactics. and then it all becomes a frustrating game and you come to realize that you invested too much of your time and emotions into fighting them off and it turned out to be futile. The best thing is to avoid them because there are more important things to do in life than wasting your energy on a pack of wolves. But if they are really getting on your nerves or causing more trouble, than you need to confront them and use your own strategies and tactics to protect your interests and goals from being sabotaged.

The ideal strategy is to be somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between passive and aggressive. Being too passive with them gives them the wrong hint and they begin to perceive you as a weakling. Being too aggressive means you begin to lose your inner peace.

But if you think that dealing with them is just too much work, and if it's not your cup of tea, then just ignore them altogether as though you don't give a damn and continue to remain single mindedly focused on your endeavors.

In the end, you can keep one thing in mind. People will be people. But you shouldn't lose yourself in this world of crazy petty people.

Edited February 13, 2017 by Loreena

[Evilwave Heddy]

I've worked in kitchens myself and have been pushed around too, but I wouldn't consider it bullying or even bad for that matter.

[Steph1988]

Quote

The ideal strategy is to be somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between passive and aggressive. Being too passive with them gives them the wrong hint and they begin to perceive you as a weakling. Being too aggressive means you begin to lose your inner peace.

Yes that is very true i think 

[Steph1988]

2 minutes ago, Evilwave Heddy said:

I've worked in kitchens myself and have been pushed around too, but I wouldn't consider it bullying or even bad for that matter.

Well i am not THAT sensitive i know what you talk about but i don't mean just the rough attitude i can live with that.

[Evilwave Heddy]

Well then you must know that they have a business to run, right?  (They're similarly being controlled by someone higher than them.)  They don't control you for their own well being. (for enjoyment)  And if you feel that is the case then report it to someone higher than them.

 

[Steph1988]

2 minutes ago, Evilwave Heddy said:

Well then you must know that they have a business to run, right?  (They're similarly being controlled by someone higher than them.)  They don't control you for their own well being. (for enjoyment)  And if you feel that is the case then report it to someone higher than them.

 

U missed the point i think 

[Evilwave Heddy]

9 minutes ago, Steph1988 said:

U missed the point i think 

Probably.

[Nahm]

59 minutes ago, Steph1988 said:

I don't understand i looked that word up

assertion=A statement that you strongly believe is true.

You are skipping over a false pretense that someone else can make you feel a certain way. IMO, that is where your epiphany is waiting. It's the thoughts you're choosing that are bringing your emotion about it. You are giving them your power, they aren't taking it. 

Experience reality from the inside out.

[Flare]

I think @Nahm nails it here. 

In addition: Did you ever hear about frames (frame battles etc.)? If a person or any situation etc. can make you angry you get into their frame. You're not longer fighting on your battleground, and therefore you're loosing in strength and power. Many populist and politicians try to use or use these techniques. (That does mean if you "don't want to get used by others, but you're angry etc." they are actually using you.)

So the go to counter bullying strategy is simple, if you don't get into a frame that is not your, their negative emotions can in fact not be inflicted on you. Notice: Everyone that is bullying is coming from a space where they are not happy in the big picture, they are carrying their own self doubt and negative emotions. That some rare situation in life where you really have karma. So let the situation resolve itself by not getting into a fight - really don't. 

How to stay in your frame? Pretty easy - Everything that is thrown at you is your frame. As an example: In school if someone is getting bullied by someone making jokes about them, the most effective way is to make an even better joke about oneself. You're taking the acting frame and own it, like it's your own. But since you accepted it outwards, no one can really be angry at you - self deprecating humor is key here. There are many way to apply such frame strategies, to stay out of straight up frame battles. Ultimately know that they will suffer the most from their actions in the long run, since that you don't even have to take revenge. Or as it's said: "Being happy is the best revenge."

I would put aside what an enlightened being would do in such a situation - you're speaking about your functional body and persona, not about the consciousness you are.

Best wishes!

Edited February 13, 2017 by Flare

[Steph1988]

Ah yes now i understand great posts!

I think i applied that strategy a few times without realizing it and I think i got better at that lately. But being vindictive can sometimes sneak back in i got to keep an eye on that more.

interesting stuff.

 

[Nahm]

You got this

[tyy]

@Nahm @Flare Well put. This topic resonates with me too as I have had to learn how to properly navigate a toxic person as a coworker/boss. Oh how I wish I would have known how to approach situations like this in past. I guess that was all part of the journey though!

Maybe a little off topic but how would we influence this kind of mindset in a younger person, say public or high school? It's easy enough to say "don't let it bother you," or something along those lines, but does it really resonate with a person who has no knowledge of PD or emotions? Young students also lack the ability to leave the environment (like an adult can change a job). I just thought I would bring up a question @Steph1988 's thread sparked in me because it hits home - and this is a good place to continue discussions regarding bullying.

[Flare]

@tyy It does influence it pretty much the same. At least for me, I'm 20 now and I got this about 2 years ago, while finishing school. I was always well spoken but could never really use it, until someone explained such concepts to me. For my body and mind it was a huge motivation to learn this stuff by recognizing you can apply this 1 to 1 to problems you have with girls. In stages of your life where your testosterone is high, thats always a good motivation, especially for your DNA. Dealing with mean girls is the best way to master frame battles. Girls (boys do this often enough too, trust me) do so called "shit-test". They're trying to test how much quality you have. Some off them have the same structure as bullying (verbally). They are (also) passing their circle of pain on to you if they go hard on you. Having good answers and keeping your frame will always lead to attraction. You can copy this like a blueprint and apply it to bullying situations. 

So on a basic level, you got a positive motivation for practicing it - no matter if/how far you're emotionally educated - rather than an negative motivation. In addition add a story which resonates with a younger person. As an example if someone likes samurais: "Hagakure" as an source for identification.

I got a pretty good quote out of an article I recently read:

"The best way to deal with a bully who is making fun of you is to make fun of yourself better than the bully did. The worst way to deal with a bully is to retaliate. This is because retaliation perpetuates the bully’s agenda and leads to violence, whereas making fun of yourself uses self-deprecating humor to derail the bully’s agenda while forcing the bully into a confused psychosocial dilemma. It’s a power-play, and it’s all psychological. The bully expects you to poke fun back at him, or cry, or run, or throw a punch; anything but you making fun of yourself. And if you can do it better than the bully did, then bully for you. Pun intended."

On an emotional level I would suggest a young person to try a simple reframe: Every hit you take makes you stronger. If you go hard on your pain, let it all out, feel it as much as you can your emotional immune system is getting stronger. But I admit that this is much more difficult than it sound and tbh I never got bullied, I just got fucked up by some girls passing huge circle of pains on me, which is kinda similar but definitely not the same. I'm thankful for that, but I can't really tell you and 1 to 1 story about getting out of bullying. 

Edited February 13, 2017 by Flare

[Key Elements]

@Steph1988

Try to find something you love to do. You don't need all that. It won't help you grow. There's a saying, "You become the 5 people you spend your most time with. Choose carefully."

[Steph1988]

@Key Elements Yes i agree But there is no running from it, it happens everywhere and i worked in over a dozen places now, maybe if u start a business or work from home but even then you have to be lucky And i feel well armed at the moment. That saying always scares me a little BTW 

Lots of people are mean, and most of them not openly bullying even, but gossiping, snitching on each other to win the favor of the management etc. I have seen some disgusting shit and that won't be limited to the hospitality industry.

@tyy As for influencing your mindset of young people well in the worst case u would be traumatized for life i think. my mother is a teacher and i hear lots of stories. In a better case u fight it off successfully but u will not be as open as before. It make's you less spontaneous i think.

Parents have to instill values in their children. U hear politician's say it but at the same time there is a trend that parents both work, put children on daycare, put them in front of the TV and those things are often not addressed so how can we be surprised 

I think there is a huge lack of personal value's in this culture otherwise i cannot explain why'' GROWNUP!'' people snitch on each other to win the favor off their boss.

So   rant over.

 

[Bodhi123]

I’m going to have to give two responses on the topic of bullying:

1)My instinctual/practical/unenlightened response:  STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. DON’T TAKE THEIR SHIT. You can’t be bullied if you fight back. Don’t be afraid to fight. Fight. I’m dead serious.

2)My mature/higher-consciousness response: STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. There is nothing enlightened about letting someone degrade and disrespect you. I understand the point about don’t give people the power to control your feelings, but obviously you are letting people have an impact on your feelings because you state your worldview has become ‘cynical’.

Realize your self-worth and value and don’t let ANYONE erode it.

[Key Elements]

@Steph1988 Another option is that you may want to try for a quieter job. I'm a bilingual teacher. I noticed that I get free time in between classes, and I could work on my self-improvement by sitting in the library. Notice that I choose to sit in the library and not the staff room. ☺ 

Maybe you don't want to be a teacher. How about a quiet office job? There must be some job you could go for that gives you time to yourself. For example, I heard that being a sailor in the military allows you to have 6 months off - not quite sure though. In the meantime, yes, work on your life purpose. I posted this in another thread :

Remember to meet and blend with the right ppl. You will find them as you go along on your life purpose journey. Don't think about the bullies. There's a reason why they are only in your past and will not be in your future. ☺

Hey, I just thought of something. If you love cooking, because you mentioned working in the kitchen, I knew of someone who works part time someplace, and then cooks for her neighbours lunch and dinner and gets paid for it. I'm just throwing ideas here and there. 

Edited February 14, 2017 by Key Elements