Communication on Trauma Healing

[RendHeaven]

One of my best friends asked me for my help this morning, because his sister raised concerns that her lack of emotional expressiveness might stem from trauma. This was my response. It seems that my communication was received well, and so I hope to send it out into the larger world as well:

To me, being emotionally expressive is not merely a matter of feeling good, or even being a healthy human. It's more fundamental, on the level of being an entity of metaphysical integrity/oneness.

In truth we are WHOLE and UNITED (as the universe), so rejecting or suppressing any aspect of experience results in a split, divided, false self.

I am no expert on trauma healing  - I am just a young guy with inordinate self awareness and the ability to confront myself head-on.

Just from her texts, I suspect that your sister is suppressing or repressing, just from the tone of her words. And she knows this, but is seeking some sort of external validation/confirmation for what she already knows because we fear the consequences of our gut instinct being correct.

This is such a tangled topic that I don't know if it's right to diagnose/suggest action steps as though the path forward is linear: but here is what I would personally do in her situation.

1) feel into the hurt of your current gray/neutral/apathetic existence. We adopt this "passive" stance in life relative to our strong inner emotions in hopes of escaping pain, but notice that this strategy never actually even worked. The pain is still there. In fact, new pain might have arisen (such as inability to open up to and communicate with [current significant other])

2) notice that there is a lack of congruence between what is inside and what is shown outside. If you honor or value the prospect of being a COMPLETE, thriving, wise entity - the fact that you are 2 different people on the surface and below the surface should sound alarm bells. Notice that the emotions we withhold are still actually there, buried under layers of armor!! Don't think for a second that they've ever disappeared entirely.

3) spend more time alone, without distractions, reflecting on the past (not just to [recent instances of hurt], but even back to growing up as a 10 year old). I suspect we will find numerous occasions where emotional expressiveness has been invalidated or discouraged. And notice how our young, frail, impressionable, validation-seeking egos have bent over backwards to fit into the tribe. Historically, whenever our emotions were invalidated, we simply learned "don't emote." But could this have been the wrong move? Maybe there is a way to emote without negative consequences: a third option which we never explored.

4) in my experience, there has to be a certain fire or passion that underlies your trauma healing journey. This is not something you haphazardly decide to do. You are sick of being a divided person inside and out. You wish so desperately to know yourself and to shine your authentic light onto the world instead of a dimmed, fake, projection/caricature.

5) attempt to be more open, first in solitude, and lastly, around people. This means, when a feeling arises, you allow it to bubble up to the surface without micromanaging it. No image control. Just let it be. Notice that this hurts (at first). Don't let this discourage you. This is the precise hurt that you've been avoiding all along. Either you battle it now, or it haunts you to your grave.

6) you will likely fear the consequences of being more open. People taking advantage of you, people rejecting you, etc. These concerns feel real and they will crush your healing progress. More than anything it is important to remember that you are now stronger than you were in your past. You have learned from your pain, you have clearer boundaries now. So given all of this, allow yourself to open up and emote - and if someone tries to take advantage of that or belittle you - trust in yourself that you can firmly say NO, walk away, and laugh it off.

7) lastly and most importantly, notice the shocking beauty of the world and life that opens up to YOU. although emotional openness entails high-highs and low-lows (and those lows look scary at first), the highs are actually so astronomically high that it's not even a comparison. For some reason, when you are an integrous individual with true self knowledge and true self expressiveness; reality skews SIGNIFICANTLY towards bliss, happiness, joy, beauty, excellence, and love. Never forget that

[flowboy]

@RendHeaven I hope she reads your words not just one time but many times on different days.

I think you provided a wise, integrous and heartfelt satsang to her personally.

If she'd like a practical exercise to try, I've gotten good feedback on this video of mine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjG_4MSZDP0
Which might help her too, at least get a start in the journey of feeling deeper.