Complicated grief caused by spiritual work

[MayoCat]

Hi,

I am drowning in grief and pain and have no-one to turn to. This happened one evening, while I was doing walking meditation.

There was a sudden burst of energy, as if a weight was lifted off of me and I looked around. This was the first time that I've truly felt that life is a dream and there was no me, just events and surroundings being played out. But I was not ready for what happened right after.

I got hit by so much pain that I could barely walk. Its been weeks and I can barely force myself to eat. Cannot stop thinking about death, which compounds both the fear and the sadness. Thinking about impermanence has paralyzed my life completely.

Curious to see if anyone went through this. What did you do about it? Did you feel completely trapped?

I've heard about how painful spiritual work is, but now it feels as if the whole world was turned upside down and I'm imploding.

Intense cardio seems to be the only anchor on sanity I have left.

Trying to contemplate on the nature of reality or thinking about death triggers all of the pain again.

Maybe this is just the hard way of learning to be careful...

 

 

 

[Raze]

Try “break through difficult emotions“ by Shinzen Young 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsyP80BydV4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

[MayoCat]

On 8/27/2022 at 8:23 PM, Raze said:

Try “break through difficult emotions“ by Shinzen Young 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsyP80BydV4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

Thank you for sharing, I'm going through them now.

[puporing]

Check out Matt Kahn's work, helped me with that.

[Leo Gura]

On 8/27/2022 at 2:56 PM, MayoCat said:

 This was the first time that I've truly felt that life is a dream and there was no me, just events and surroundings being played out.

There is You. You are God. Here you are!

Events and surroundings are not just being played out. That is YOU being YOU! God is playing out.

Quote

I cannot stop thinking about death, which compounds both the fear and the sadness. Thinking about impermanence has paralyzed my life completely.

Why does death cause fear and sadness? Death is not bad. Death is Love.

What's the problem with impermanence? Impermanence is beautiful.

Quote

Trying to contemplate on the nature of reality or thinking about death triggers all of the pain again.

You're sorta doing spirituality wrong here. Rather than fantasizing about death, sit in do-nothing and satisfaction meditation, enjoying the beauty of the present moment.

See my video: Satisfaction Meditation

You gotta stop overthinking. Connect with the beauty of consciousness.

The only point of life is to observe its beauty. So get to work on that! NOW! Stop thinking about death as you walk and start looking at all the beauty.

Edited August 29, 2022 by Leo Gura

[MayoCat]

On 8/29/2022 at 8:35 AM, Leo Gura said:

There is You. You are God. Here you are!

Events and surroundings are not just being played out. That is YOU being YOU! God is playing out.

Why does death cause fear and sadness? Death is not bad. Death is Love.

What's the problem with impermanence? Impermanence is beautiful.

You're sorta doing spirituality wrong here. Rather than fantasizing about death, sit in do-nothing and satisfaction meditation, enjoying the beauty of the present moment.

See my video: Satisfaction Meditation

You gotta stop overthinking. Connect with the beauty of consciousness.

The only point of life is to observe its beauty. So get to work on that! NOW! Stop thinking about death as you walk and start looking at all the beauty.

Thank you, I will watch it and do my best to apply it. You are right, spirituality should dissolve suffering, not create more of it. Part of me still sees death as an end of experience, and it doesn't want that. Part of me wants there to be other experiences to follow, whatever they may be, with or without an ego. I am very, very far from the God-head realization as you call it.

Sometimes when I do walking meditation, I see very bright white light. It feels like a projection rather than something that I actually see, yet it feels like the most beautiful thing in the universe. It also terrifies me when I see it. Maybe that's what death is like.

Thank you for responding to my post.

[MayoCat]

On 8/28/2022 at 11:35 PM, puporing said:

Check out Matt Kahn's work, helped me with that.

thanks