Worried about rejecting someone

[Emrie]

I just got back from a "date" (purposefully put in quotes here for reasons that'll follow) and uhhh ... I have to let the guy off, it's just not going to work.

I'm a man myself and I thought I was straight my whole life, until January of this year, at age 26. I can be attracted to really anyone regardless of gender, and it's been great even just feeling the attraction. HOWEVER, with it come a whole slew of challenges that I don't really have anyone to help me with.

So last week, I met this man through a meetup group for queer people and he showed very strong signs of attraction towards me that I didn't feel I reciprocated. To be very clear, I am not attracted to him in any way. That's how I feel but perhaps I was showing him some kind of interest because I don't really understand why he would ask me out.

Earlier this week (I think Wednesday), he sent me a message like "hey it was nice to see you" and I didn't answer at first, but I didn't want to ghost him so I eventually answered (like 24 hours later) "yeah it was nice meeting you, we can see each other again the next time the group meets", which is a month from now. I thought I was clear that I didn't want to see him before then.

And then Friday afternoon, he asked me if I had anything planned for the weekend, I told him no and we made plans to go out tonight. I thought it would be two friends going to a bar and hitting on other people, NOT a date. And literally one of the first phrases he said were "I'm happy to be on a date tonight, it's been a while".

Which ... kind of blows, because that's not at all what I was thinking it would be. Guess I should know better. He had a few beers and I had water, we made very basic conversation, he complimented me a lot, like a LOT, I didn't show any interest and even looked at some girls that were there.

Problem is that now I actually have to reject him and tell him I'm not interested in him. I've never had to do that, like ever. It's always been me asking people out and making moves and getting rejected. Ironically it's much easier for me to get rejected than to actually reject someone.

I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I don't want it to be like I won't be able to go to the meeting because he might be there and it would be awkward. So yeah I have to reject him but I really don't know how.

[Federico del pueblo]

22 hours ago, Emrie said:

I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I don't want it to be like I won't be able to go to the meeting because he might be there and it would be awkward. So yeah I have to reject him but I really don't know how.

It's really not all that complicated.

You will have to reject him because otherwise you're forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do.

So just think about how you can soften the blow as much as possible.

"Hey, you seem like a good person and I don't want to be rude or hurt you, but there is no possibility of us being in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship. I simply feel like there is no chemistry for that kind of relationship and I'd prefer if we could just continue as acquaintances/friends within the context of the meet-up group. Sorry if that's not the outcome you were looking for, but I have to take the decision for myself that feels best to me. I hope you understand."

And then you see what happens next. If he then still wants to "negotiate " ("but maybe we should still try because things could change you know") then you have to make it clear that there's no room for negotiation.

It can be tough to do this, but you just have to deal with the awkwardness and fear of doing this and potentially with the awkwardness of going to more meet-ups with that guy after rejecting him.

That's just life.

[Ulax]

'Hey it was nice to meet meet up with you the other night. I valued various parts of our time together. However, being honest, I didn't realise the meetup was going to be a date. On my end, I didn't feel that spark between us. So, I think its best we end things here. I wish you the best'

I've sent out similar messages in the past, and have had girls thank me for being straightforward and kind about it.

[Roy]

It doesn't have to be a complicated speech just say, "Hey I had a good time the other night, but I'm not looking for anything serious at the moment."

The worst thing you can do is say nothing, bottling up your emotions and also not giving him any closure.

[Leo Gura]

You can't avoid hurting him in this case. Minimize the hurt by making it quick and direct.

"Thanks, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested in dating you."

This is a lesson about not leading people on. You should have told him as soon as he said this was a date that you had no intention of this being a date. That would have been the best solution.

The longer you delay, the more you lead him on, the more it will hurt him. So muster your balls and cut the rope now.

Edited August 29, 2022 by Leo Gura

[Emrie]

It's done. Thanks everyone. And yeah, in hindsight, I definitely should have said that from the start.