I used the skills I liked the most and got better at those for a few years. I was having a bit of success (extremely relative, but for me at least), but then I just burned out and now it's been months since I haven't tried again (or rather, I did but got pushed by some terrible negative force that coul've been saying something along the lines of "this is done. We don't want this anymore, just stop.") So I decided to do what I couldn't do for years while I was working at my craft and worrying to waste time : enjoying art I like created by others. It felt good at first, but after a few weeks it started to feel very annoying. I love it but...I can't just do that. It feels...stuck? Empty? Irritating? Can't put the right words on this.   So there I am stuck in the middle of being able to create things technically but my mind not letting me, and on the other side, appreciating art but my mind doesn't want to either. What the hell? Those have filled my whole life for 40 years and now none of it feels confortable for some reason. Adding to this a very long time depression, and anxiety and other symptoms (self diagnosed ADHD or autism, maybe bipolarity, I don't know, I do check a lot of common boxes of those), I just feel worse and worse, not even good just resting in my own skin. I feel like I'm going towards what society calls "crazy" (simplifying, of course. I just mean that...I can't take living and society aymore). I've been exercising, eating well, have a wife, good friends, etc...but none of it seems to help me feeling better.

I'm sorry if this sounds like venting. I just don't know how to live anymore. And I thought a spiritual community like this could have interesting thoughts, even if I'm losing all hope in humanity (I have this weird feeling that...I don't have all knowledge, obviously, but still, that I've seen/heard it all. That life is over for me an that I'm fighting for nothing. This is so weird)