I've tried accomplishing things. It didn't work.

[Fuku]

On 19/09/2022 at 11:00 AM, flowboy said:

@Fuku 

I guarantee you that your mental state has a reason, I could even help you figure it out.

Don't think of "trauma" as some dramatic event that other people had happen to them and you didn't.

Everyone has conditioning.

Past is interconnected to future, until deconditioning happens.

More often than not, things go back to the earliest years including birth.

 

I understand this concept of trauma not being necessarily huge and that it can come from a pretty early stage, I've heard in other places, but I can try and think as hard as I want, I cannot understand even the smallest part of my life where this could come from.

That being said...I'm having trouble remembering my past. I don't think I erased anything to protect myself. I was probably just so focused dealing with neurodivergence my whole life that I wasn't vry attentive to what In was living in this present. Maybe.

 

On 20/09/2022 at 8:54 AM, Ulax said:

@Fuku Regarding your first sentence, no worries man. I'm trying out a new type of communication style. So it might be that my wording is unusual, hence why its difficult to understand.

Am I right in thinking that you feel disheartened because you don't have much hope for the future?

 

In this case I think my prevous answer still works. I kind of feel life leaving me and it's probably annoying thinking that my future will just be that. But at the same time I also feel that what I'm doing right now aka consuming a lot like I couldn't do for the past year, is a part of me that I had lost. Maybe the idea is not trying to make a living of my passions and just have balance between doing and consuming. Kind of hard to swallow because this means that I'll end up becoming nobody and leave no legacy (I'm not sure we want childrens...and it scares me that I might just end up freaking out and run the idea of having one just cause it's getting late and it seems like the last thing to do to fill my life with purpose...not just for myself, but also to bring a happy child that can matter in the world)

 

@PepperBlossoms

I suppose the lesson here is,..don't try hard? As in, it's all in the intent. And if it's too tryhard it is what fucks things up no matter what

Interesting
 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Fuku

[Ulax]

@Fuku Would you like me to make a recommendation to you?

[flowboy]

14 hours ago, Fuku said:

I can try and think as hard as I want, I cannot understand even the smallest part of my life where this could come from.

That being said...I'm having trouble remembering my past. I don't think I erased anything to protect myself. I was probably just so focused dealing with neurodivergence my whole life that I wasn't vry attentive to what In was living in this present. Maybe.

That's a commonly made mistake, that one could simply think really hard and remember what past event is really bothering them.

It's understandable, but rests on a mistaken view of the psyche and the unconscious.

For something to become conditioning/trauma, means it is repressed from conscious access.

The repression system, consisting of gating mechanisms in the brain + the endorphin production system, literally prevents the person from remembering. Often times the entire memory is inaccessible then, and other times the events and facts are somewhat accessible but not the emotional depth of it. This is when people remember their childhood as "fine" and nice and uneventful, or feels like somethings were a bit hard but they dealt with it just fine, but that's not at all how it really felt.

There's no thinking your way around it, because the body is doing its best to block conscious access.

In the mean time, this stored pain bubbles up to the surface in moments that the repression system is not paying attention, or overloaded/busy dealing with something else. An everyday life stressor causes an anxiety attack. The person has nightmares or even night terrors.

Or, more commonly, emotionally overreact, with anxiety or anger, to an everyday interpersonal situation, because it is similar enough to the original buried painful memory to make the emotion bubble up to the surface, whilst at the same time the repression system is still working hard to protect the person at all cost from the truth of what painful thing he/she is really being reminded of.

Thus, overreaction and projection are born.

[Fuku]

@flowboy Got it, thanks for the precisions. That being said, I'm still not sure how to go deeper and fix it, find the source of the problem

 

15 hours ago, Ulax said:

@Fuku Would you like me to make a recommendation to you?

Sure. Anything.

[Ulax]

4 hours ago, Fuku said:

Sure. Anything.

I would get the book, 'Non violent communication' and learn the four steps. Then apply them to yourself in your self dialogue.

[flowboy]

On 23/09/2022 at 2:35 AM, Fuku said:

@flowboy Got it, thanks for the precisions. That being said, I'm still not sure how to go deeper and fix it, find the source of the problem

Contact me privately and I'll show you how.

[RoyalFool]

I’ve been learning to enjoy the less pleasant aspects of life, there are ups and downs in the pattern, when I feel bad im usually growing in some way I don’t consciously understand. My desire to know and control life leads me to feel upset when she doesn't do what I want, but im learning to love her as she is, and watch her grow in her own way.