How to deal with people who betray you?

[Hello from Russia]

I can forgive them per say, but I am baffled how to approach relationship with such people when they reappear back into your life in some way

Intuition and game theory common sense says you gotta drastically decrease your investment in them - that's for sure. But how much? What if the try to apologize? What kind of apologize to accept or not to accept?

Quite often especially the avoidant type people from attachment theory say "I'm sorry" so flippantly. They don't really mean it, they are not really sorry, they didn't process your situation or acknowledged the fact that they actually hurt you almost at all. Any tips on how to proceed with this?

But then again, even if you chose to fully forgive them, the damage they've done to you could be insane, and their deafult attitude usually is just to run away after they've done their nasty shit, so you basically just lose net value wise. Do you just make them somehow pay for their shit as a cost to reentry your life? How to best approach it? What they can repay you with for their shit?

I need help with that topic, guys. Any good perspectives on this are welcomed

Edited August 26, 2022 by Hello from Russia

[puporing]

Really depends....was this a long term situation where you were abused? Was it a situation where you were blind to things and then came to realize later on? Well ultimately it depends on the effects on you. Sometimes the abuse was so prolonged and ingrained, that the fundamental way they behave towards you will not ever change. Other times it was a matter of lack of maturity and they have grown beyond it. So I guess it's about recognizing if actual growth has happened and how you feel about it in relation to the past. If someone was really sorry they would not push you to still want them in their life, they will respect your decision and comfort.

Sometimes the hurt is simply too great and the gap in your development too great, and all you can do is love them from afar.

Edited August 26, 2022 by puporing

[Tyler Robinson]

Depends on what you mean by "betray." 

Did they scam you financially? 

Did they cheat on you in a relationship? 

Did they hurt you in friendship? Backstabbing? 

Did they suddenly ghost you? 

Did they break a promise or turned against you? 

Not sure what that person did to you. 

If they caused you harm, it's best to let them go. Because they don't deserve your innocence and trust you placed in them. 

 

[Ulax]

Personally, if what they did was something akin to the level you are describing, I would set a personal boundary and not let them back into my life.

Unless they have done substantial work in a depth psychotherapy. Otherwise, to my mind, they haven't really changed, as the same unconscious patterns will persist and therefore the same type of behaviours will manifest again and again from them.

[JosephKnecht]

Forgive. 

Then Forget.