Shadow work using IFS therapy

[spiritual memes]

For some reason, I went on an online binge of the worst atrocities committed by humans. I was reading and watching footage of war crimes, murders, and executions. After watching the most horrific cartel executions I decided that I should probably stop watching this content as I'm pretty sufficiently scarred.

I decided to look within and confront the part of me that wants to look at this kind of fucked up content. It seems to be a firefighter part trying to protect me. Since the world is a fucked up place, this part of me wants to be prepared for all the depravity in the world rather than be caught off guard. Therefore whenever I see a link saying 'don't watch this, its too fucked up and disturbing', I immediately get a compulsion to click it. Because the idea of something disturbing but unknown is terrifying. Therefore, this part is protecting me from the unknown by forcing me to confront the horrors of reality no matter what. That being said, the shit I've seen is fucking bad and I'm pretty fucking scarred.

[spiritual memes]

I managed to reach my exiles responsible for low self esteem. This is the part of my inner child that was made to feel like he wasn't good enough and so these feelings of inadequacy was repressed and formed the foundation for many of my behaviours. For, example much of my motivation for self improvement was to improve myself so that I no longer am inadequate. In fact, most of my life is built upon correcting this feeling of inadequacy, from my desire to build confidence, to my gym and bodybuilding and my career. Even my motivation for spiritual work is to correct this feeling.

This might just be the root of all my insecurities. After doing some integration work, I no longer feel some of my overactive protector parts.

[spiritual memes]

When I started this work, I was desperate to improve myself. I was unhappy with the way my life was and I knew I couldn't blame anyone else. I knew that I was the one manifesting my reality.

I was tired of not being good enough.

I was frustrated at my inability to do what needed to be done and to get the life I wanted.

I was frustrated at my social awkwardness and my passive nature.

I was bitter and resentful from constant rejections from the opposite sex, and I felt guilty and ashamed for feeling this resentment.

I always felt like I wasn't masculine and dominant enough and hated my 'nice guy' nature.

I felt completely alone and unloveable because of the innate way I was. 

I blamed my mind for the way I was and I started this work because I wanted to change. A lot of this work has helped me, but I still had these parts to me underneath the surface that would hold me back from the person I wanted to be.

After about 2 weeks, of IFS therapy, I no longer see my dysfinctional parts as broken but as parts trying to protect me based on programming from my childhood. I realized that I was treating my traumatized inner child with the same harsh judgement that my parents, teachers and bullies did. In my desperate bid to prove my critics wrong, I had internalized their voices and directed them at myself.

Well I'm done doing that. I deserve better.

 

[spiritual memes]

I've noticed an inbuilt flight response the permeates my entire body. It's been buried so long and deep that I just assumed it was the way I was. Its actually crazy. 

[spiritual memes]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FeD16vu_qQ

I just had a spontaneous awakening experience, I was listening to 'In the aeroplane over the sea' and some of the lyrics really stood out to me:

''And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see''

''And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all''

I started thinking real hard about these lyrics and how life is fundamentally temporary and how amazing it is that I even exist at all. I realized that life is a beautifl experience and that the whole point of it was to enjoy its beauty. Suddenly a wave of emotions hit me and I started crying. After I stopped I realized I was completely in the present moment. All thoughts and worries about the past and future had completely dissolved. From this viewpoint I can see clearly how all my problems are all illusions created by the fundamental illusion of self, past and future. The mundane objects in my room shone with an otherworldy beauty. Things that would trigger my anxiety now have no effect.

I know this isn't permanent but damn is it nice.

[spiritual memes]

Its actually mad how much of my reality is actually my projection. For example, the minds of other people are entirely a projection of my own mind. I imagine what their mind would be like. In particular I imagine their opinions of me based on subconscious beliefs about myself.

Its actually mad because I spend so much time caring about what other people think of me and I always have flashbacks to embarrasing past events and I imagine peoples perception of me based on those events. But the reality is that none of it is real. I've spent years worrying about what imaginary characters think of me.

[spiritual memes]

I managed to unburden an exiled part. It was a traumatized inner child part which contrubuted to a sense of constant danger, especially in social situations. I can walk around in public now and feel no anxiety at all. I can even look random strangers in the eye with no inner reaction. The energy of this part is still there, its just not problematic anymore.

[Ulax]

@spiritual memes Dude this all sounds like superb progress! Inspiring!

[spiritual memes]

Thanks!

I'm in a pretty stressful time in my life right now but I'm surprised at how much progress I've made.

[Ulax]

@spiritual memes Sounds like a testament to your character 

[spiritual memes]

@Ulax They say character is built by going through tough times...

[Ulax]

@spiritual memes I mostly agree, yes

[spiritual memes]

I'm currently experiencing heavy ego backlash. My protector parts responsible for addiction and distraction are backlashing hard on me. I spend almost the entire day distracted and unfocused. This is not ideal as I have a job interview coming up. 

I'm also experiencing extreme anger against people who have wronged me in the past. I used to suppress my anger in the name of spirituality but I don't think that's healthy any more. On the other hand this anger is getting pretty extreme. I'm heavily temped to exact revenge on certain people for things they did to me in the past, however many of the people in particular are friends and family who no longer treat me that way. They are extremely kind towards me and yet I am feeling intense anger towards them for things they did years ago.

I hope this is part of the healing process.

[Ulax]

@spiritual memes If you are having issues with extreme parts blending, I'd consider using the technique of observing your thoughts and emotions. And, whilst doing so, internally voicing, 'They are thinking X', and, 'they are (or seemingly are) feeling Y'.

I find it helps me unblend more effectively.

Also, I know some prominent IFS therapists recommend working with an IFS therapist when it comes to exiled parts.

Anyhow, hope things are well :)

Edited September 16, 2022 by Ulax
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[spiritual memes]

@Ulax Thanks for the tips!  I'm quite experienced with labelling so i'll try that out.

My financial situation is not great atm so I don't think I can afford an IFS therapist anytime soon.

 

[Ulax]

@spiritual memes You're welcome dude.

And, I understand re finances.

[spiritual memes]

I've noticed myself having intense egoic reactions to random events even more so than I was before. I'll spend hours ruminating over trivial shit. I guess this is an ego backlash.

[spiritual memes]

Also, my intuition is telling me that actualized is giving off a toxic vibe. The whole forum including Leo doesn't have that vibe of unconditional love and acceptance anymore. It's just a lot more intellectual and spiritual egoic masturbation than it used to be. I guess it all started when Leo did his 30 days of 5-meo and started saying he was more awake than everyone else. That was the moment when Leo went from a talented spiritual explorer to going off the deep end. The forum slowly followed after that. I still respect Leo and his work but I don't see him as a wise spiritual teacher anymore.

[spiritual memes]

Discovered a protector part responsible for laziness and procrastination. This part believes that life is too difficult and painful for my exiled part and therefore to avoid pain, I must lie in bed all day and distract myself. This part is trying to protect an exiled part that carries my feelings of unworthiness and guilt.

I will then blame and repress my exiled part when I fail to achieve goals due to procrastination. This increases the burden on the exiled part creating a vicious circle.

I have internalized the voices of my parents, bullies and teachers and treat my inner child the same way they did. The funny thing is no one has treated me like that for a long time except myself. My parents are a lot more kind and respectful towards me. The types of people who used to bully me now want to be my friend. As for all the teachers that said I couldn't make it, I have a valuable master's degree from a top university so fuck them. The only person critical of me is myself at this point...

[spiritual memes]

Managed to unburden an exiled part. It was incredibly intense, rivaling the psychedelic experience. The exiled part responsible for my feelings of unworthiness dissolved into a void of infinite love. My energetic body felt extremely spacious as if the part had left behind an empty space.

The next day was strange, The part no longer burdened my but I had intense bouts of anger which consumed my entire being, and so I had an intense argument with my sister over some mean comments that I could have easily shaken off. The anger could also stem from my stress over job applications so its probably unrelated to the unburdened part.

Edited September 29, 2022 by spiritual memes