Shadow work using IFS therapy

[spiritual memes]

I recently discovered IFS therapy from Leo's blog and holy shit its amazing. 

Basically, the mind is a complex adaptive system of interacting parts with a true self underlying it (I guess the true self is God?).  Like members of a family, a person's inner parts can take on extreme roles or subpersonalities. Each part has its own perspective, interests, memories, and viewpoint. Every part has a positive intent, even if its actions are counterproductive and/or cause dysfunction. IFS works by first accessing the core self and from there, understanding the parts to heal them.
There are 3 types of parts (copied from wikipedia):

Exiles represent psychological trauma, often from childhood, and they carry the pain and fear. Exiles may become isolated from the other parts and polarize the system. Managers and Firefighters try to protect a person's consciousness by preventing the Exiles' pain from coming to awareness.[5]

Managers take on a preemptive, protective role. They influence the way a person interacts with the external world, protecting the person from harm and preventing painful or traumatic experiences from flooding the person's conscious awareness.

Firefighters emerge when Exiles break out and demand attention. They work to divert attention away from the Exile's hurt and shame, which leads to impulsive and/or inappropriate behaviors like overeating, drug use or violence. They can also distract a person from pain by excessively focusing attention on more subtle activities such as overworking or overmedicating.

Managers and firefighters are protector parts. They protect the exile from harm and prevent the individual from experiencing the pain of the exile. A key aspect of IFS is to not work with the exile until the protector parts give permission.

Anyways, I think that's enough of an intro.

I've only been doing IFS for a few days and i've uncovered more of my subconscious mind than from years of introspection. It's like shadow work on steroids.

My years of meditation has made it extremely easy for me to access my parts. I guess I've already accessed my core self from meditation and psychedelics so the first part is kinda already done. Like any kind of inner/shadow work, its emotionally brutal. I have to face some really dark, traumatized parts of myself that I had kept buried. No wonder people avoid this work.

I'm gonna use this journal to write about my parts work. Since my upbringing was quite traumatic, some of the stuff I write might be a bit fucked up so heads up.

[spiritual memes]

I uncovered a manager part of me that pushes people away and builds emotional barriers with others. It contributes to my avoidant attachment style and heavily affects my family and dating life. This part was born from my childhood where I was emotionally abused and sometimes beaten by my parents and heavily bullied by my friends. Therefore this part protected me from being hurt by others by keeping them at bay. When healed, this part would be the part of me that sets healthy boundaries.

Edited August 20, 2022 by spiritual memes

[Ulax]

6 hours ago, spiritual memes said:

My years of meditation has made it extremely easy for me to access my parts. I guess I've already accessed my core self from meditation and psychedelics so the first part is kinda already done. Like any kind of inner/shadow work, its emotionally brutal. I have to face some really dark, traumatized parts of myself that I had kept buried. No wonder people avoid this work.

 

That's sick!

What type of meditation have you generally done?

[spiritual memes]

@Ulax I started with mindfullness, specifically the methods of stages 1-5 from the mind illuminated. I then moved onto loving kindness and bodily awareness type meditations. Finally I started doing the do nothing technique and strong determination sitting. I think the most important attribute to practice for therapy and shadow work is the ability to be mindful of emotions and trace them to specific sensations in the body. 

[spiritual memes]

I uncovered the manager part responsible for my adhd, constant fidgeting and restlessness.

This part stems from my childhood where I was slapped and beaten by my parents. Slaps to the face would usually be very sudden and extremely painful. Therefore, this part of me learned to always be alert and vigilant and  to always feel like a threat is coming. It manifests in the body as a kind of low grade electric shock arount my face,neck, chest and upper back and im guessing its because those places are vulnerable areas that need to be protected.

I am grateful for this part for protecting me but I am safe now so there is no need to be so on guard.

Edited August 22, 2022 by spiritual memes

[spiritual memes]

I also uncovered a firefighter part that was responsible for my violent thoughts and behaviour when I was a child. As a child, I was that messed up kid who always talked about fucked up shit and was the 'freak' in the class. This part of me was born from me being hurt emotionally and physically by people that I was close to. By acting violent and saying messed up things, i would prevent people from getting close to me and seeing my vulnerable side. They would think i'm a freak but this was better than letting them get close to me and hurting me.

Thank you, firefighter, for protecting me but I am strong now and people can't hurt me the way they used to. My parents are not the same as they were and they will never hurt me again. 

[spiritual memes]

Discovered a pretty significant firefighter part that always tries to distract me from the present moment and looking inwards. Whenever I try to do deep self enquiry or meditation, this part comes up with a excuse to do something else. I guess its there to protect me from my inner exiled parts as well as uncomfortable sensations in the body. It is located in my upper neck and the back of my head. This one is quite hard to integrate considering its so powerful.

[spiritual memes]

Trying to heal my social anxiety and dating problems but its difficult. It's not just one part but multiple interconnected parts. So far, the parts I have uncovered are:

The people pleasing manager part that focuses on other peoples approval

The firefighter part that cringes every time I experience or remember an embarassing situation

The manager part that suppresses my sexual energy

My sexual energy that was exiled due to my conservative upbringing

The firefighter responsible for my porn addiction

The part that always feels unworthy

The exiled shame from childhood

The part of me that tries to not be awkward but ends up making things even more awkward.

 

damn i got a lotta work to do

[spiritual memes]

Holy shit I keep discovering new parts. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY??? :(((

[spiritual memes]

Turns out my laziness isn't actually laziness but another part.

It's a part of me that feels despair and wants me to give up and stop trying. It does this because i've put in so much work and effort often to just end up in the same place and it just to protect me from more pointless effort for nothing. It is also at war with the masculine part of me that is driven and wants to achieve goals at all costs. Shits like a civil war in my mind.

[Ulax]

@spiritual memes How many you on lol?

[spiritual memes]

@Ulax like 30 so far 

[Ulax]

@spiritual memes Nice one man :)

Sounds like you're off to a great start!

[spiritual memes]

@Ulax Thanks!

I thought it would only be a few parts when I started, didn't realised there was a multi-faction civil war in my mind XD. Child abuse is a bitch

[Ulax]

@spiritual memes You're welcome.

Ye dude similar experience with IFS, and background regarding child abuse.

Wishing you continued good luck with the process

[spiritual memes]

@Ulax yeah good luck to you too!

[Ulax]

@spiritual memes Thanks :)

[spiritual memes]

I've noticed that my protector parts tend to be located in the upper chakras whereas my exiles are located in my lower chakras

[spiritual memes]

Damn, theres parts of me that are trying really hard to distract me from doing more IFS therapy. I'm feeling a strong aversion to doing any more parts work 

[spiritual memes]

I'm starting to reach my exiled parts now. They're difficult to describe and put into works. It feels initially like trapped energy in my lower body that my upper energetic body is trying to suppress. There is a protector part located below my neck that is trying to suppress these energies. Its doing this to avoid emotional overwhelm i think. There is also another pretector part that is trying to distract me from the emptiness inside me. But from my psychedelic trips, I know that emptiness is infinite love.