"you" Quite Literally Have No Fucking Clue.

[Black Flag]

Hello all.

I'm writing in the T+11hr come down of an intense LSD trip and I'm feeling quite raw. 

 

Background

UK. 20yo male. 75kg. Solo trip. Year and a half daily meditation practice. 200 micrograms of 1-p-LSD blotter taken. One previous trip at 100 micrograms of the same batch.

The aim of this writing is to inform people in a similar situation. 

 

Setting 

On the come up, I had this Alan Watts audio... 

 

To The Gallery of Absolute Infinity visuals on loop, full screen on my laptop. 

 

The still at 2:02 in the gallery...I melted...

 

Breathe. Just keep breathing. 

 

I was QUITE LITERALLY raining. 

I was QUITE LITERALLY melting. 

 

I saw the battle rage between me.

It was in full on rage.

I watched it. Lucky him. Me was having an incredibly tough time. 

Me "won". 

 

My ego went in search for all the things that made him it. First it so desperately clung onto the music I was listening to. It couldn't.  It was my two hands fighting at the computer to type. There was much suffering. I had to run. There was no-where to run. There was quite literally no way to escape. I would never normally use the word terror but my fuck I was scared. 

The body closed its eyes. Fuck me so intense. Did i just pass out? Where ever "I" went I have no clue. I melted. 

 

HERE. There was a choice. There was a choice to let go. 

 

I held on. And yep. I suffered. 

 

I have never felt terror like that. I have never felt so scared in my life. I was all alone as well and it was quite tough. 

I saw the edge. Fuck me. It was huge.

Should I have let go? I though I was ACTUALLY dying.. and I fought and fought and fought so much to stay. 

 

The Eye of Absolute Infinity. Fuck me. 

 

In the feedback I'd appreciate some guidance. I have been completely emotionally drained.

 

Discussion

 

I think i made a mistake in my choice of music. I can identify a time when a line of a depressive song was said and that sent me down a path... The ego didn't enjoy this path. "I" didn't care. lol. What do I even make of that. *Why this song was on my playlist. How stupid. Oh well.* 

Has any of this trip been enjoyable? Yes. The T+8hrs have been mellow. I feel incredibly creative right now and have an incredible capacity to follow thought trains to interesting ends (i.e. to a word document  ). This is nice. It feels like hyper-aware mindfulness.  

 

The preceding week to your trip should be overall positive. Do not underestimate this. Events in the week before WILL impact your trip.

I personally have had a negative week and have only just realized this in hindsight. Well fuck. I was well and truly put in my place. 

 

I set an intention of understanding what a thought is. Well.. here it is lol:  

Reality is what it is. Language cuts up reality. Language packages Reality away in little boxes. "Your" (lol everytime this is mentioned it makes "me" laugh in a slightly oh-my-fuck-what-have-I-just-done-today kinda way). But anyway. "Your" mouth sends these boxes away to some"one" else's ears. The packages are then opened by "who?". These opened packages are then free for misinterpretation and are NOT reality.

Where are the errors? In the "Quote Marks".

There is so much nuance. There is so much nuance everywhere. It is ever so subtle. It is so easy to miss. It makes things not quite add up.  

A note from my notes when I was raining. I quite like it. 

 

"So

Much

Was said

Unsaid." 

 

The words of T.S. Elliot were fueled me today: "Only those who will risk going to far can possibly know how far one can go."

I wonder what he was referring to.  If it was Lucy then what a man he must've been. 

To any man who truly understands this. What a man they must be. I have met not one. 

 

This has not put me off. One day I will re-enter the ring to do battle. That day will be a far way into the future... I think I might spend more time on my career/life purpose than Enlightenment in the next coming months I do have to say...

 

There are so many laughs in hindsight. It really is funny. My bruised and battered whatever I am is back together loosely but it still remembers the emotion.... geeezzzzzz. I might edit this post in the morning I think, I might not. I am tired. Yet it is unfinished. 

 

 

Dear Reader. I went to the edge today and I ran away. I have no idea or way of knowing how you have interpreted/misinterpreted this;

All I can say is that, I for one, do not know. 

Metta. Ollie. 

Edited February 11, 2017 by Black Flag
Title amendment

[Leo Gura]

Good, but keep in mind that 200ug is only the start.

[Colin]

This is not coming from any school of thought or theory, but this is my experience. I took nndmt without having any prior knowledge of it. I had no experience with eastern spirituality or meditation. I was an atheist at the time though I was raised catholic. When I took the dmt, I went though all the normal stages of dmt and was completely convinced that I had died and was on the other side. I was freaking the fuck out. There were a lot of amazing visuals. But I kept trying to think of my home and my family and my familiar settings. Through force of will I brought myself back in to normal earth world for a few moments, and was panicking "holy shit!" "holy shit, I'm dying!" . Someone I was with said "it's ok". In that moment I intuited that I had no where else to go, but to go within. So in that moment I directed my mind to go within my self. In that moment I was transported to a realm made of white light. There was a being that was radiating light standing right in front of me with a rainbow aura looking down on me and smiling and I was instantly filled with the most overwhelming amounts of love, compassion, warmth, comfort, safety, bliss, and peace. All fear and discomfort was completely and utterly dissolved in this experience. It was incredibly crystal clear and realistic.

I don't know how it would apply to lsd, but I could posit the not dogma guidance of directing your mind to go within yourself.

Edited February 13, 2017 by Colin

[Guest Annetta]

@Black Flag If you try again, maybe try embracing it with a feeling of love and it might feel better idktho

[Natasha]

54 minutes ago, Colin said:

In that moment I was transported to a realm made of white light and there was a being radiating light standing right in front of my smiling with a rainbow aura looking down on me and I was instantly filled with the most overwhelming amounts of compassion, warmth, comfort, safety, love, bliss, and peace. All fear and discomfort was completely and utterly dissolved in this experience. It was incredibly crystal clear and realistic.

What  was that being standing in front of you?

[jse]

2 hours ago, Whywolf said:

@Black Flag If you try again, maybe try embracing it with a feeling of love and it might feel better idktho

Yes, rather than approaching divine experiences in a combative way (ie, challenging the ego), Love and Compassion towards our delusions are key to letting go, and thus experiencing God.

[Nahm]

Not trying to be a baby sitter or party pooper but what you ultimately want is to feel amazing all the time. 

The short term effect of LSD is such. But the long term of LSD CAN be quite the opposite.

http://www.lsdaddiction.us/content/does-lsd-cause-brain-damage.html