How to detach from someone I love

[Ampresus]

So there is a girl which I have loved a lot for the past few years. We were never a thing, never dated. I have personally dated other girls throughout these years and I'm sure she has dated as well. I am just honestly sick of thinking about her everyday. The times I came clean with my emotions she didn't respond the way I wanted her to and honestly I don't think she has the same feelings. I know I can't get her, I don't mind that I can't get her, but I just want to forget about her. I want to stop viewing everything with her in mind. I want to stop dreaming about her and pretending to have conversation with her in my head. I want to detach from her. Forget her. I am not being dramatic when I say it feels like a curse. I can straight up kiss and make love with other girls, meanwhile the only thing I am thinking about is her.

How do I detach from her? Do you guys know any guides, books, whatever. I want to associate no emotions with her. I want to be able to pretend like she doesn't exist and just move on with my life. I am tired of feeling let down every time I think I am getting close. I am tired of constantly having her in my thoughts. Please, any suggestions would suffice.

[Loba]

Ugh, unrequited love is the pits.  As a romantic, I totally get it.  I used to have this problem a lot more than I do now, I would get these crushes that would last years sometimes and would know that they had no chance of going anywhere and yet the person would always end up in my mind for some reason.  It hurt a lot.  I battled this a lot from my middle school years until the end of my twenties - and this sort of pining for someone who didn't have the same feelings is the habit that allowed me to stay in a bad relationship for years.  At the end of my relationship, I realized that my constant thoughts and assumptions about them being better than me, more deserving than me, of them being this really cool person, this began to fade away and I was able to see the real person - who was just as flawed and scared and weird as I was - I was able to take a step back and see the glaring incompatibility that was right under my nose the whole time that I couldn't accept.  I wanted and needed this person to love me so much, and they just couldn't do it.

So what I do now when this starts to happen, is I try to take a step back and instead of viewing them as this unobtainable gem - I try to see them in a realistic manner, warts and all.  I will actively search for reasons as to why we are incompatible, why letting the person go is the best thing that I can do for myself and for them.  No one is perfect, people usually have a lot of flaws and incompatibilities.  Try seeing those in this person, instead of just the good, try to detach through an honest, detailed introspection as to why this person is not right for you.  Every time you catch yourself thinking about her, remind yourself of something that is unflattering about her.  Keep doing this and eventually the crush will stop causing you problems.

[puporing]

It's an opening/invitation for you to go deeper with "yourself" as the limited self is realizing more and more that it cannot find the deep love it yearns from another ego.

There's no "practical"/surface level solution to this that I've found. I've been this way most my life until having some awakenings. But maybe since you're a guy, you can be more assertive and pursue more women, but still might not satisfy.. I recommend both.

Edited August 19, 2022 by puporing

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tt-L2pROgk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3miuaOWsj8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eit85FAj4wg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLH7yUwkBPg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L2MzmE8cwo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBqtJxMHPFM

Use this to get over them

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p3-MJJm_R0

Edited August 20, 2022 by Raze

[eos_nyxia]

It can be helpful to understand what it is that makes you so attached to this one specific person, specifically what it is that this person symbolizes to you, and what needs/ desires/ curiosities are not otherwise being fulfilled in your life, and what does this mean in relation to your own life story/ experiences?

Like... who would you most ideally be with this person? What would you most be able to freely express or become? What specific things draw out this desire in you as opposed to another?

It's not exactly the solution, but it's a place to start getting to know yourself a lot better.

[Gesundheit2]

@Ampresus

1. Don't resist the thoughts, cuz why resist? Instead, enjoy them, cuz why not enjoy?
2. Shift your focus to the people and things that you want to get; Law of Attraction.

[Ampresus]

19 hours ago, Loba said:

So what I do now when this starts to happen, is I try to take a step back and instead of viewing them as this unobtainable gem - I try to see them in a realistic manner, warts and all.  I will actively search for reasons as to why we are incompatible, why letting the person go is the best thing that I can do for myself and for them.  No one is perfect, people usually have a lot of flaws and incompatibilities.  Try seeing those in this person, instead of just the good, try to detach through an honest, detailed introspection as to why this person is not right for you.  Every time you catch yourself thinking about her, remind yourself of something that is unflattering about her.  Keep doing this and eventually the crush will stop causing you problems.

@Loba tysm man I try to come up with things I hate about her, but if I'm being honest to myself I know that I still love her. Like I know she has many flaws. She's not the perfect girl which I won't find ever again. Yet I know I still love her. I just know that I can't stay mad on her for too long or be upset with her for more than a few days. I will try this more deeply though, especially the part  about ''Try seeing those in this person, instead of just the good, try to detach through an honest, detailed introspection as to why this person is not right for you.'' Because  if she was right for me we would already be together. But we aren't, so clearly we are not compatible. If she can see it, surely I can too.

 

 

18 hours ago, puporing said:

There's no "practical"/surface level solution to this that I've found. I've been this way most my life until having some awakenings. But maybe since you're a guy, you can be more assertive and pursue more women, but still might not satisfy.. I recommend both.

@puporing I am not saying I have tried pick up extensively, something I probably should try, but I have tried to ''fuck'' these feelings away. If it wasn't with some random chick I would just pay hookers. Yet this proved to be of no success. I would be mid-lovemaking and think about her. Or mid-kissing someone in a club and thinking about her. It would ruin the entire experience. Of course, like most other people here, I hope to achieve awakening one day and fully forget about her. However I can't just trust that I will magically awaken. That is a whole another process, something which you should pursue with much more grounded reasons than ''wanting to forget a girl''.

 

 

16 hours ago, eos_nyxia said:

who would you most ideally be with this person? What would you most be able to freely express or become? What specific things draw out this desire in you as opposed to another?

@eos_nyxia The answer to these questions is just being my utmost self, because I can be that with her. I am in my best mood when talking to her. Normally I am not that social or anything, but with her I can just talk away. We have had hours of conversations because she understands me and I her. We think about people a certain way, have the same type of humour etc. I guess my inner desire to socialize comes out when talking to her. My inner need for social affection.

 

 

15 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

• Don't resist the thoughts, cuz why resist? Instead, enjoy them, cuz why not enjoy?
• Shift your focus to the people and things that you want to get; Law of Attraction.

@Gesundheit2 For the past few weeks I have made it a habit to practice Law of Attraction everytime she comes to my mind, which happens way too much per day. So I already do these things.

[Ulax]

Can run some PSTEC click tracks

[puporing]

@Ampresus time will help.. might take you awhile.. sorry it can be rough I know what it's like, it can make you sickly for awhile.  maybe just feel into it and stay there for as long as you need. It's a kind of grief process.

Edited August 20, 2022 by puporing

[kag101]

detox

don't interact with her ever (not even to say happy birthday), unfollow her on social media. remove (or at least hide) anything that reminds you of her. you have to do that at least for 3 months.

the most important step is to stop feeding your mind with thoughts of her. accept that it is over. i know, this is easier said than done. 

simply put: if you keep seeing her instagram picture, then no advice nor fancy self-help technique will do you any good.

[puporing]

Maybe this won't help but the truth is "this person" is never truly gone, and you'll always be with them coz you are them ...