Letting Go of Unspeakable Rage and Unfathombly deep anger?

[TheOneReborn]

When I feel inside I feel such unreal amounts of pure seething hatred and rage for people, society, the world, myself, and the universe. It's the main aspect of my shadow. I'm angry against everyone who ever made me feel small or unworthy, against my dad for making me work as a young child in his failed businesses, against the universe for taking him away from me in a terrible 6 month long ordeal where he was paralyzed in the hospital from a stroke, against myself for never expressing myself and ending up as a 30 year old who has never truly lived, against everyone who walks around with a smile on their face. 

How the fuck do I let all this go?

[Raze]

Get internal family systems therapy 

try “break through difficult emotions” by Shinzen Young 

try mdma with a guide 

Edited August 19, 2022 by Raze

[Loba]

3 hours ago, TheOneReborn said:

When I feel inside I feel such unreal amounts of pure seething hatred and rage for people, society, the world, myself, and the universe. It's the main aspect of my shadow. I'm angry against everyone who ever made me feel small or unworthy, against my dad for making me work as a young child in his failed businesses, against the universe for taking him away from me in a terrible 6 month long ordeal where he was paralyzed in the hospital from a stroke, against myself for never expressing myself and ending up as a 30 year old who has never truly lived, against everyone who walks around with a smile on their face. 

How the fuck do I let all this go?

I relate to a lot of this, but I don't think that my experiences have been as harsh as yours.  From what you've written here, you do have a right to be angry.  I used to be a very angry person myself, and sometimes I find that this still slips out, but I've been working on it for a few years now and am beginning to see a lot of improvement.  It takes time, the world can be a harsh place and people can be kind of infuriating, not gunna lie.

What I noticed that has helped was, when I get angry, I try to look into why I felt that way and if I acted on it, I don't let myself off the hook.  I look into it.  I think on it, write on it, and try to understand the root of the problem.  Just understanding why you feel a certain way, and then giving yourself a break for being human, this does wonders.

Another thing I do, is I scream into a pillow.  I've actually done this a few times while using this forum, if something frustrates me, I'll squeal, "Eeeee!" and the expression of this frustration helps, rather than keeping it inside.  Try getting some things you can hit, like pillows or a punching bag, sometimes getting out anger in this way helps a lot, too.

 

[LSD-Rumi]

You need to start to realize this as a self deception method which was adopted for your survival. We humans use hate to protect ourselves. Most people experience hate in situational manner, but in your case it is more of a theme running in your life. You adopted the idea that you need to protect yourself no matter what. You say to your self, I will protect you, I will not let anyone harm you, And I will hate the world and everyone to be prepared to do so. 

Now once you realize the deception of the self and all the limiting conscious and subconscious ideas running in your mind. You start opening yourself slowly to Love. You give yourself the thing that it hates most, which is love. You see, yourself hate love, why? Because it makes you feel vunerable. Hate protects you in a way. You use hate as a way to survive and protect yourself. Whereas Love is percieved as silly and weak.

Edited August 19, 2022 by LSD-Rumi

[TheOneReborn]

Thanks guys. This really resonated. Even now I woke up today and read these comments and realized there is the tiniest assumption in me that somehow love is "silly and stupid" and that feeling "good" is the same too. 

I come from a very stern and emotionless Iraqi family. All engineers, military people, professionals, etc. No respect or appreciation for vulnerability, expression of love, etc. They are also traumatized by decades of war and conflict and violence. They are scared to show vulnerability and I am also, who grew up safely in the West, truly scared to feel vulnerable. 

I also realize more that language is the enemy here insofar as I cannot bear the sentence "I don't think I love my mother" or "I feel like I hate my father". I realize now that none of these sentences can be absolute truth. And that the Truth of my love or hatred for my parents cannot be stated. I have both deep love and some hate for my parents. I have to learn to deal with these conflicting emotions. It's ok that I feel conflicting emotions inside me. 

Edited August 19, 2022 by TheOneReborn

[TheOneReborn]

I think Leo needs to make an episode on "Getting Over Your Childhood" 

That's really the core of so much spiritual development work.

[spiritual memes]

@TheOneReborn yeah I kinda wish Leo would make some videos on trauma and therapy or at least a video on why its so important. It's such a big obstacle to self actualization that it really should be the no 1 priority for most people on this path. In fact, I'm willing to bet that 90% of the people on this forum would benefit more if they spent a year doing trauma/shadow work than if they spent a year on actualized.org stuff or other 'practical' self help. This is especially true for people on the spiritual path since most people get drawn to spirituality as a way of dealing with trauma.

[TheOneReborn]

Absolutely. Trauma creates unconsciousness and unconciousnes is the enemy to spiritual work. It creates an area of your life of your body that you wish to so utterly dissacciate with. 

For victims of serious trauma like rape or bearings, etc, their battle is in one way more difficult due to the gravity of the hurt but in another sense it's easier since they know where to locate their deepest pain. 

For highly sensitive people (which most spiritual practioconers are) the trauma is more difficult to locate. I was never raped or beat as a child, but I have such negative emotions and memories associated with my family due to the tension between us, our emotionless, my father's anger and negative attitude and cynicism, my mother's depression, etc. I feel traumatized by their pain. I feel traumatized by their lack of interest in my deepest emotions. I feel uncared for at the deepest level. 

[universe]

You are not anger.

Anger is running through your body.

By keeping it down and having resistance towards feeling it, you imprison it in your body.

When you are loving and kind towards anger it will become your friend.

Allow anger, feel anger.

Anger wants to go, naturally, but first it wants to be seen and heard.

❤️