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[Dark_White]

// Meta-Content //

   I'm mainly creating this journal to study various nuances and going meta on subjects that i found within myself and the world cause both are really one apparently now.  And also if anyone is going through any of this spiral as me, could benefit from this or might gain some perspective here and there.

 

// My objectives for this Journal //

   

 History - Time to leave relativistic stage and integrating those lessons  

  Mainly I've been in the relativistic domain for too long and now i can see myself suffering through this endless meaningless-ness. Lately, my mind see through with heart even this concept of me trying to accept meaningless is meaningless - cause this is so meaningless. Anystep am taking to combat meaningless is meaningless before i understood intellectually but now i've understood to the level of the authentic heart perse. 

 

What made the breakthrough from green to see the yellow?

  Personally i believe what was happened, i had stage blue approach to green mentality. I was clinging to the dogma, if everything is meaningless, i should not even try and also if everything is meaningless what's the point in even trying. I became or kinda having these thoughts like where do it even coming from, and i realize how i construct meaning for meaningless-ness in a way. And i don't want to construct negative meaning on meaningless-ness in a sense. I was painfully aware that am making shit out of my life, if i hold onto to this thought and inherently the truth of the meaningless and the real meaningless ness differs a lot. Which again understood while in the self inquiry. Where i compared myself when i was in the no-mind consciousness and whenever i clinged to the belief of nothingness which provided me a breakthrough i guess.

 

Also in my current state of mind, i can tell there's nothing important to do other than being authentic - Pursing the truth with you being the authentic driver - Yes sometimes you can go through the spirals of doubting yourself and wanting to be something else - but nothing is gonna be as important as you being authentic admitting your true intentions and allowing to be consumed by your shadow self to understand and know better of yourself ever more deeply. What else gonna be important to do. I don't know, even pursing god seems okay, but pushing myself for god can be done. But now i can understand that is not what i really want. And i thought, i have to go for god all the time and now it's seems okay to be myself and to just be.

 

// Learning Stage Yellow & Impacts //

I've just watched maybe 7 hours of content of stage yellow, trying to understand and within even an hour or two of content for a day. To be honest it made my life easier, yes obviously from my point of view. I been mostly neurotic about things especially understanding truths and god realization, so clingy i feared losing this one way ticket and the only ticket for all those sufferings i thought to myself. For me i want to escape myself cause there were some unwanted fears within myself which i was recognized and which is so much harder to face, i shuve it each time it comes and it's more worse each time as it comes. Which one of it was meaningless ness and my actions which are going to have no impact whatsoever not in a fame oriented manner but more like pragamtic thinking what's the point? but i pushed myself into thinking in more relativistic fashion as it's relative or whatever.

 

I ackonwledge those parts within myself and i realized a deep truth within them and i could see their need. I could finally learn to learn integrate them as some of the parts i could strike balance within myself. These non-balancing life brought the balance and i came to now understood why an yellow mind can hold a paradox very well. Yes i heard this statement previously but now i understand more than the previous time, why it's possible to have a contradictive and paradoxical thoughts. It's so integrated and also it has no need for a dogma, cause dogma keep the mind stuck.

Edited August 18, 2022 by Dark_White