I just want to be alone but I'm forced to deal with people

[Someone here]

 

The last decade I could get away with being a loner and keep moving with my life. Now that I'm not young anymore I'm forced to interact more with society.

I hate humanity and existence like never before. I hated humanity and society before, but I was on my own, I wasn't forced to interact with it like I'm being forced right now. The more I contemplate, the more I hate. I'm not even bitter about it, it's a feeling of disgust I can't describe.

At least I still enjoy the small things. Reading, writing, painting, playing instruments, a nice meal, exercising, playing with animals, nature. But I'm feeling extremely angry, I don't want to be part of society, I don't know how to go back to being completely alone. My human nature is making me desire love, relationships, material things the older I get, and I can't understand why, I was more at peace when I was younger. Interacting with others has been corrupting my mind.

Just wanted to spit this before going to the  college. I'm in no path for improvement, I don't want to   
"improve", I just want to be by myself and I can't even have that. I can't see myself not having that for the next X years.

 

[puporing]

If you don't have a choice. What is it that makes you recoil or depletes you? You can set some boundaries and have a looser connection with people, or embrace being a bit of a weirdo..

[Someone here]

16 hours ago, puporing said:

If you don't have a choice. What is it that makes you recoil or depletes you? You can set some boundaries and have a looser connection with people, or embrace being a bit of a weirdo..

I can't. Im a University student. I have to do my obligations and show up on time .I have to socialize with my professors and other students who are from different cultures than mine .and lemme tell you I suck ass in socializing . My lofty dream is to just for everyone to fuck off and leave me alone in my solipsistic bubble ?. 

[puporing]

18 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I can't. Im a University student. I have to do my obligations and show up on time .I have to socialize with my professors and other students who are from different cultures than mine .and lemme tell you I suck ass in socializing . My lofty dream is to just for everyone to fuck off and leave me alone in my solipsistic bubble ?. 

I see.. and you have to attend university? For work?

It may also be you're in a very conformist culture. Here you can get away with not mingling much.

Edited August 18, 2022 by puporing

[Someone here]

16 minutes ago, puporing said:

I see.. and you have to attend university? For work?

Yes .

If I quit university I will probably work some wage slave labour boring job and physically taxing . So university got me by the balls .at the same time ..I don't want to attend university because of the amount of social acrobatic games  that I have to play in order to fit in and not come off as a weirdo. 

I'm a weirdo. This is a firm belief of mine that I can't challenge  

[puporing]

@Someone here yeah that makes sense. Just make sure you're also thinking about the kind of work that it might help you find too. Because many of those paths lead to dealing with people also.. speaking from experience .

[Raze]

Get internal family systems therapy 

[eos_nyxia]

What do you think is at the heart of feeling like you can't be yourself fully around people?

Or that interactions are not worth it? What's your motive? What do you feel like you most need to protect yourself from? (This very much could include "your time".)

If it's not primarily an issue with sensory or emotional overwhelment in your environment, then probably it is much more so about your beliefs, associations about people and what they represent and mean, is it not?

[Yarco]

On 8/17/2022 at 5:25 PM, Someone here said:

I hate humanity and existence like never before. I hated humanity and society before, but I was on my own, I wasn't forced to interact with it like I'm being forced right now. The more I contemplate, the more I hate. I'm not even bitter about it, it's a feeling of disgust I can't describe.

At least I still enjoy the small things. Reading, writing, painting, playing instruments, a nice meal, exercising, playing with animals, nature. But I'm feeling extremely angry, I don't want to be part of society, I don't know how to go back to being completely alone.

I relate very strongly to this. And I would love to tell you that you can just go to therapy and fix it, or that there's some magic solution that makes you happy to re-integrate into society. But in my own case it seems to only keep getting worse over time. 

At the same time, like you say, there is some desire for relationships and friendship there, but you're looking for such a specific type of person that I've largely decided it's worth more trouble than trying to find it.

You're still young with a lot of life to live. It may be best to just accept that you're a misanthrope and begin to plan your life around it. Otherwise if you try to play the games of society you're just going to be miserable. It's better to just find a way to go off and do things on your own as much as possible. Not sure what you're studying in school, but you should start looking for a job in that field or pivoting to something with the least amount of human interaction.

Of course the less you have to deal with people, the worse it gets. It makes you even more sensitive to the bullshit when you do have to deal with it. But there's no promise that staying in society it won't continue to get worse anyway. It got steadily worse for me while I was integrated in society and working in an office every day, going out with coworkers and doing normie stuff, until I decided to finally opt out.

I think in many ways it's just a symptom of getting older for a certain subset of people. You become more cynical, jaded, distrustful. You've seen it all and not amused by the low quality stuff that society has to offer any more. That's why there's a stereotype of boomers just wanting to be left alone to mow their lawn and grill.

Edited August 20, 2022 by Yarco

[Tristan12]

I relate to this a ton. I find over the past few years I dislike people in general more and more and I just want to get away from them. I think part of it is that I have gotten so deep into personal development and I have such high standards for myself, for the way I act, for the values I hold, etc. and it seems that the more I improve and develop, the more I notice the issues and toxicity in the people around me. It wouldn't be so bad if they were actively making an effort to improve themselves and took responsibility for their actions, but they don't, they just run a muck with their toxic bs, and it is just so extremely frustrating dealing with it all the time.

Then everyone around me is constantly attacking me for the way I am, telling me something is wrong with me and telling me I should be more like a normal person. It's like everything I do is wrong in the average person's eyes and I can't just be free to be who I am. I just despise people more and more and want to get away from them. At this point I love being alone so much not just because I am an introvert, but because I feel free to let my guard down and be myself without anyone trying to tell me i'm wrong or get me to change.

My goal is to set my life up in a way where I can minimize interaction with normal people, have some relationships with people who are similar to myself if possible, but spend most of my time alone where I'm free to be myself and do the things I love. I love alone time more than I ever have at this point in my life.

I know its not sustainable to go through life despising people and wanting to get away from them this much, so I do want to work on being less reactive to the way people are and being more accepting of them, so that i'm able to be around them when I need to be, but I still fantasize of a life where I can be in my own bubble, doing personal development, spiritual work, and all the things I love without anyone trying to take it away from me.

@Yarco If you're this way yourself, and you're a bit older, I'm interested to hear: how have you coped with this in your life so far and how have you set up your life to work around this?

[Ulax]

@Someone here Ye dude I'm with Raze.

I'd get into Internal Family Systems therapy. Your choice ofc but think it could help you.

Btw if the unblending stuff is hard for you, and/or you're pretty dissociative, Janina Fisher's take on the IFS model is useful too, imo.

Good luck 

[Tyler Robinson]

Your choice. 

But you're saving yourself a shit ton of trouble if you generally stay away from people. Less drama either way. 

 

[Breakingthewall]

let's see man, if you don't like going to university, don't go. do you want a shitty mediocre life? find out what you like, and do it, and stop trying to do what you're supposed to. travel, seek alternative, broad horizons. be a man who directs his life completely. no wonder you're burned. you are a king, not a servant. stop licking asses. It is better to end up begging for food than to go to university because you are supposed to, otherwise my parents will be disappointed.... please

[The Mystical Man]

This is where the real work begins: other people push your buttons, and that allows you to see your hang-ups. 

I recommend "The Surrender Experiment" by Michael Singer. 

Also watch this video: https://youtu.be/_yJkE31U4Qc

“I don’t think what we want is to be completely undisturbed by anything in life. I don’t think that’s actually what a human being wants in their deepest resources of their being.” - Adyashanti

Edited September 4, 2022 by The Mystical Man

[Eph75]

@Someone here

I thought your philosophy was to only be concerned with the present moment, as you just declared in your post "My little simple philosophy of life". 

This is telling a different story. These thing you mention here is not a problem in the present moment, only when you apply the concept of past, future and lack of alignment with that you desire that these phenomena show up. 

If you return to the present moment, everything returns to the inherently perfect imperfection as the present moment is. 

This you can experience directly, by absorbing the present and observing how the thoughts and feelings disappate instantly, but soon returns when you get pulled back to the distractions of life. And I'm not implying meditation and blanking your mind out. I'm implying mindfulness in every present moment while engaging with the external world. 

I get it, if that philosophy is an aspiration of yours, but it wasn't really stated that way, which you might have done purposefully as a means to fake it 'til you've made it? If it's pretend, it's just a false comfort blanket. 

You have much shadow in yourself, it takes time for it to grow and surface so that you can deal with it properly. How can we deal with it if it hasn't yet grown and manifested enough to become a great enough problem and having had us endure the suffering that comes with it. 

You're young, things unfold as they will, when it will, and having it all experienced and sorted at your age is wishful thinking. Give it time, but be careful to externalize whatever you are experiencing, that's a dead end and a waste of time. 

What you hate is yours, and yours to overcome. Looking for something with that external phenomena that makes it "right" is a distraction. Wanting it to go away equally so. If it's inherently there, it's only how we dance with it that can change how it, whatever the underlying triggering phenomena is, is dancing with us. 

Escaping what challenges us is a coping mechanism, which won't help us to grow. Getting consumed by the concept of a rat race becomes the enemy. It's the reinvention of ourselves to be able to be and flow with what is, that creates an equilibrium between being, and doing, and operating in a world that will take every chance to challenge our ability to keep flowing with what is, pulling us back in to the perceived "race", throwing us out of balance.

Wishing for it to be different is a trap. Desiring otherwise is the attachment. 

There's no escape, but there is a way to show up to what is in a way that does not create reattachment, but unattached doing, enabling being, enabled by being. 

Something needs to happen to get there. That something is within you. Unconditionally loving what is, is a good start. That hate, it's an expression of the shadows within that make us unable to dance with what is.

In your signature, you encourage people to call you to talk about existential shit. This is it. Existential shit showing up in the world we're inevitably entangled with. What would you say to yourself if you were the one calling? Put whatever existential shit you've learned into practical use in your own experience. 

Edited September 4, 2022 by Eph75

[Razard86]

On 8/17/2022 at 5:25 PM, Someone here said:

 

The last decade I could get away with being a loner and keep moving with my life. Now that I'm not young anymore I'm forced to interact more with society.

I hate humanity and existence like never before. I hated humanity and society before, but I was on my own, I wasn't forced to interact with it like I'm being forced right now. The more I contemplate, the more I hate. I'm not even bitter about it, it's a feeling of disgust I can't describe.

At least I still enjoy the small things. Reading, writing, painting, playing instruments, a nice meal, exercising, playing with animals, nature. But I'm feeling extremely angry, I don't want to be part of society, I don't know how to go back to being completely alone. My human nature is making me desire love, relationships, material things the older I get, and I can't understand why, I was more at peace when I was younger. Interacting with others has been corrupting my mind.

Just wanted to spit this before going to the  college. I'm in no path for improvement, I don't want to   
"improve", I just want to be by myself and I can't even have that. I can't see myself not having that for the next X years.

 

I just want to be alone....but posts on Actualized.Org which contradicts....

You don't want to be alone, you want to belong. You want to be around like-minded people. If that were not true...you wouldn't be on here posting. Observe your actions, your actions speak with more clarity than your thoughts and emotions do. When the thoughts and emotions intertwine and get fuzzy, observe the actions to figure out what is going on. If you wanted to be alone...you wouldn't be posting this right now.

Now..here is a cool Sadhguru video. 

 

Notice how profound...perspective is....distance and perspective is an interesting thing.