Childhood Trauma/ Sexual Abuse

[Shakazulu]

After five years of personal development and awakening, I realize how much me being sexually abused as a child is destroying my romantic relationships today. Me being sexually abused makes me needy in my romantic relationships now. Part of my neediness is because I went the first 21 years of my life with a string of terrible experiences with woman and attraction because I never acknowledged that I was sexually abused as a child. Its like having a virus on your computer without ever knowing it’s there. I was too young to process it. I don’t even know what to do anymore… I’ve worked with professional dating experts, I’ve worked with a healer, after highschool I didn’t go to college so I can focus on my life purpose/personal development, I cut off my toxic friends, I’ve taken 5meo several times, I’ve taken psychedelics, I’ve read over 100 books, I’ve received mentoring, i practice yoga, meditation , mantras etc. I’ve invested my money, I’ve invested my energy, I’ve invested my time and im still treated by woman like im nothing. 

[Raze]

Get internal family systems therapy 

Try trauma centered mindfulness, Byron Katie work, and the Sedona method 

have you done MDMA?

Edited August 17, 2022 by Raze

[Loba]

Dude, I know how it feels I was a victim of this as well and it can really mess up your self image and how you approach relationships for sure.  I ended up being a fearful-avoidant and unless I am with a dismissive-avoidant to "chase" - in order to actually avoid getting close to people, then I sabotage and run away from any and all chances at ever having a relationship.

I wish I could give you a big hug and to let you know that you didn't deserve what happened to you, that you deserve a loving and fulfilling relationship with a woman who treats you with respect.  I wish I had more advice for you, but seeing as I still have not really worked through my own stuff I don't have any special words of wisdom to offer other than to let you know that I get it - it can be really hard, but please don't ever give up on yourself or look down on yourself.  It looks like you have already done so much work and you should be proud that you're taking action to be the best version of yourself.

I hope other people can chime in and offer you some advice or a pathway towards healing.  Also, it's okay to be needy in relationships - I mean, we are human and we need things from one another.  Hopefully this problem can be mitigated by finding someone who can reciprocate and let you know that you're worth it.

All the best!

[Cassy0110]

I don't know how to help you, but I'm here to say that I really sympathize with your situation and really sorry that you faced it.

[Shakazulu]

@Raze I’ve never done MDMA, I’ve done Bryon Katie’s loving what is, which was pretty cool. The Sedona method is something I’ve heard of. Maybe I should try it next ⭐️

[Shakazulu]

@Loba thanks a lot brother! It’s interesting to know that I’m not the only one. Self sabotage is a killer. Wishing you abundance and success ⭐️

[Shakazulu]

@Cassy0110 thank you Cassy ? I appreciate you! 

[eos_nyxia]

On 8/16/2022 at 7:06 PM, Shakazulu said:

After five years of personal development and awakening, I realize how much me being sexually abused as a child is destroying my romantic relationships today. Me being sexually abused makes me needy in my romantic relationships now. Part of my neediness is because I went the first 21 years of my life with a string of terrible experiences with woman and attraction because I never acknowledged that I was sexually abused as a child. Its like having a virus on your computer without ever knowing it’s there. I was too young to process it. I don’t even know what to do anymore… I’ve worked with professional dating experts, I’ve worked with a healer, after highschool I didn’t go to college so I can focus on my life purpose/personal development, I cut off my toxic friends, I’ve taken 5meo several times, I’ve taken psychedelics, I’ve read over 100 books, I’ve received mentoring, i practice yoga, meditation , mantras etc. I’ve invested my money, I’ve invested my energy,

I hope you find the healing and sense of freedom and peace that you deserve.

Not so much anymore, but as a woman, my experience has been that it at times has made me a predator magnet (not saying the opposite doesn't happen for men too though, just pointing out a general trend). And at other times, it has made me a magnet for saviour-types for the few times in when I have worn my vulnerability more openly. Which in an odd, roundabout way seemed to revolve based on a sense of superiority, like fixing a sad, broken, baby bird (which can be an issue if you don't always want to actually stay this way). Usually, the latter isn't ill-intentioned though, but it does create a predictable codependency which I have preferred to avoid. 

In my case, it had been a good reason to cover too much emotional vulnerability (or alternatively enough, to lead openly with vulnerable but not with the intention of getting anything specific in return for it) until I could be sure enough that it was "safe" enough to be more open.

Boundaries and such.

Quote

I’ve invested my time and im still treated by woman like im nothing. 

I'm curious about the specifics of your pattern, or the types of women and interactions that you've tended to attract?

[eos_nyxia]

For better and worse though, the people that I've gotten along with the best and trusted the most (and therefore ended up in relationships with, especially before the past handful of years), are people who "get trauma" because their lives haven't been very easy. To the point that they couldn't afford to be "spoiled" when it came to being too emotional and reactive in certain ways. Otherwise, they wouldn't even be here, as functional as they were, still talking to me, let alone able to have long-term, mutually beneficial relationships.

But we tend to have our own set of issues beyond any flavour of "trauma is a problem and is ugly and inconvenient for everyone, get rid of it so you can feel worthy", etc. (in the way that you would feel self-conscious about having an ugly house or clothes)

Also, it really, absolutely doesn't ensure that this person won't overtly abuse you or even facilitate your weaknesses by being overly enabling. (The latter thing tends to arise pretty subtly, and by the time you notice the unhealthy dynamic, you're at least knee or chest deep in it already... and also often has nothing to do with ill-intentions. In fact, it can come from the best of intentions.)

It just means that this person is highly unlikely to be spoiled with very little grit, as well as clueless and lacking empathy and sensitivity about trauma.

[Shakazulu]

@eos_nyxia thank you! It sounds like you’ve found a process that works for you. It’s interesting how we look for the “ missing “ parts of ourselves in others. I’m starting to understand the importance of trust in one self and trust in others. My pain isn’t so much from the woman I attract, I tend to attract amazing girls but it’s me who is self sabotaging the relationship from going forward. Me being sexually abused at a young age created a high level of neediness for woman. It made me grow up with a lustful mind and as you know romantic relationships at a young age are about the value we can provide in the moment. So it plays out like this: 

I’ll meet an extraordinary girl, we’ll go on a date, we’ll talk about life, spirituality, what we want in the future, she’ll often open up to me telling me about her life struggles, traumas etc. have an amazing time then after the date when we’re texting, after about a week or two she’ll back off and lose complete interest like we never shared a special moment. To sum it up it’s about my neediness and woman losing interest. 

[Ulax]

Hey dude, sorry to hear all this.

I'd look into modern trauma treatments like somatic experiencing, IFS, Janina Fisher etc. The r/CPTSD subreddit has some useful info in their wiki too.

I'd recommend this workbook as an intro into modern trauma therapy:

https://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Living-Legacy-Trauma-Therapists/dp/1683733487/ref=sr_1_1?qid=1661903027&refinements=p_27%3AJanina+Fisher&s=books&sr=1-1

Also, you might find relatability in the following figure's video:

 

Good luck with everything.

Edited August 30, 2022 by Ulax

[Shakazulu]

@Ulax thanks a lot brother ? I just bought the transforming living legacy audiobook 

[Ulax]

@Shakazulu You're welcome. And great!

Feel free to drop an update regarding how you're finding things, i.e. how you end up finding the workbook. We got your back here dude

Edited August 31, 2022 by Ulax

[Leo Gura]

On 8/16/2022 at 7:06 PM, Shakazulu said:

im still treated by woman like im nothing.

What does this mean?

Be specific about your problem.

Are you struggling to attract women? To keep them? What?

[Shakazulu]

@Leo Gura ive been Gaming for three years so I guess the last three years I’ve been honing in on the attraction phase. I’m struggling to keep the ones I’m most compatible with. My texting game needs work. Once we start messaging after we meet, the relationship falls to pieces. 

[Shakazulu]

@Ulax thank you!!! for the Living Legacy of Trauma I’m on worksheet #6

[Ulax]

@Shakazulu Great! I personally found a lot of value in that phrase, 'It's just triggering - I am triggered - that's all that's happening'.

How have you found the book in general so far?

[Leo Gura]

37 minutes ago, Shakazulu said:

I’m struggling to keep the ones I’m most compatible with.

You mean you are unable to sleep with them? Or you lose them after sleeping with them?

Be specific about what the issue is.

How can you expect help when you are so vague?

Edited September 1, 2022 by Leo Gura

[Superfluo]

@Shakazulu You need serious healing practices, like the Completion Process by Teal Swan or the IFS methodology or even a regular therapist. Check my posts on how to heal traumas and the most powerful techniques (check my signature).

[Shakazulu]

@Leo Gura oops, thought I was being concise. Im unable to sleep with them or even set up another date after the first time meeting them. 

1. I’ll meet them 

2. I’ll give off a great first impression & get their phone number/contact info 

3. they’ll stop replying to me or lose interest after texting me for a period of time