Acting Normal When You Stop Caring What People Think

[Nathan]

I've always struggled with my esteem, at one point my social anxiety was so bad that I couldn't even talk to my family and closest friends without experiencing physical symptoms. Recently I started appreciating myself and what I stand for and all of a sudden I woke up. I could see everyones insecurities, their intentions... It was extremely overwealming and I kinda freaked out.

In any case, I drew a load of attention to myself and said a bunch of stuff that people couldn't comprehend and I guess my sanity is under question at the moment. I can no longer see auras at the moment and I don't think I would like to at the moment either.

Although I've committed social suicide... my esteem is still quite high and I go through periods of not caring about judgement. However when I'm in my own corner I feel so energetic and act completely differently to the way I was before which only draws more suspicion.

It sucks, I've formed such valuable friendships over the span of two years and now nobody really knows how to approach me. Everyone is walking on eggshells around me. I'm so glad I've realised my potential, but I kinda destroyed my place of belonging in the process.

Tl;dr: How do you keep your inner child at bay and appear collected outwardly & how do you remain positive when your life begins to crumble around you. 

Edited February 11, 2017 by Nathan

[Nahm]

sounds like you had a sizable breakthrough. Keep going. Keep choosing your thoughts, not someone else's. 

If you want those relationships, then stop talking so damn much. Nobody is listening to you anyways. 

Ask someone a questions, listen intently, repeat.

This forum is the place for your path talk, not the sheeple.

There is no such thing as remaining positive when your life is crumbling around you. You are on the path for sure, but not very far. Perhaps you are young, that's your fault. You are buying into the illusion. If you were honestly remaining positive, your life would not be crumbling around you. 

Remaining positive is not some fucking card trick. You are creating your reality.

Give me an example of what is crumbling in your life, and I'll show you where you stand to improve your perspective.

 

[Nathan]

 A little background...I'm 23, live in England and work for the national health service (tax funded) in blood sciences. We basically run blood tests to help aid doctors with diagnosis and treatment of patients. 

The government in this country is currently conservative and funding to public healthcare is insufficient. Our lab doesn't have enough staff to meet current work demands and budget is very tight so new staff won't be recruited anytime soon. 

I'm just an assistant at the moment and I've always undervalued my own capabilities because society always basically told me I was worthless lol. But recently i've started to think for myself and work hard because I refuse to let people die because of this abyssmal staffing situation. 

I care about the work, i work overtime for free because I'm unable to get it paid due to shitty budget. People look at me like I'm fucking weird doing that, I didn't realise how cynical people truely are.. But it's not their fault. They think I'm trying to prove something to them or I'm just a screw loose... But I'm just sticking to my principles and trying to make as big a difference as I'm able.

I care so much about all of the staff in our team, they're all my friends and I care about them dearly. I tried to make them believe in themselves more but I ended up offending a whole host of people.

After escaping the box and seeing how fucking dispirited and insecure all my friends were people I care about... People I looked up to even. It just shook me up i don't know. I had a bit of an existential crisis and felt like I wanted to go back to the old perspective I had, it was just a lot to take in... Ignorance is bliss and all that. 

I went to seek advice from who I thought was the wisest person in the lab and basically self destructed... I said...

"You're secure in yourself right? I've gained some confidence for the first time in my life and my perception has been enhanced so dramatically.... The world is so much worse off than I realised before and I feel like I'm loosing my fucking mind but schizophrenics usually don't question their sanity so much right????" 

A complete rookie mistake spouting this shit so openly, I don't blame them for thinking I'm crazy lol.That's how i'd react to what I said too prior to all this happening. Idk I've been very unfiltered recently since I stopped feeling judgement as viscerally.  They have a duty of care and I don't imagine they would let a "psychotic" individual perform work that has a significant impact on patients health if mistakes are made.

 Anyways I'm trying to maintain motivation and pour my free time into learning the craft but it all seems like wasted effort if they're just going to fire me for insanity anyways.

I'm not giving up though, they haven't fired me yet but they're all very wary of me. But yeah the past few days have been a bit of a rollercoaster for my esteem and my esteem is totally affecting my behaviour and it appears to be affecting the way I speak/sound subconsciously.

I basically wanna appear normal for a while to avoid getting fired from the job I love but whenever I do feel good about myself people see it as "abnormal behaviour".  Also I'm sour about the fact I fucked up and damaged my relationship with all of my colleagues/friends. 

Does esteem affect your behaviour dramatically or is this just my own complex. I suppose most of you are a bit more grounded than me, but I'm quite new to all this and I still undervalue myself and berate myself in my head a lot lol.

I've blamed a lot of my behaviour on chronic sleep deprivation lol.  Anyways I appreciate the response, sorry about the word salad. 

Edited February 11, 2017 by Nathan

[Nathan]

I guess I just need to try my best, act "normal" the best way I know how and see how it pans out lol. It's all such a clusterfuck tho

[Phrae]

@Nathan Why are you saying a bunch of stuff that people don't want to hear? Unless they make a point of you behaving in a particular way or demand something from you subtly, just don't bother. I guess it doesn't matter really, but people don't listen from that place.

If they look at you weirdly for working more, tell them the thing they don't want to hear the most. I am working more just to piss you off. I think I don't really like you for mistreating others when they're trying to be useful. 

I am kind of having something similar to that. It's other people that are awkward instead of me awkward. It's people being angry at me unreasonably and me not responding to that. I wasn't even able to recognize that I'm being mistreated. Right now I am much stiller. I am kind of hostile to my family. And that's a euphemism for being 'honest'

At the end of the day you can't really change everybody. If you want to see the truth and accept reality I recommend the work of Byron Katie. 

I think you're in a good place. You're having profound realizations. That's a very good thing my friend. You've learned from being confrontational. I don't know what normal is to you. Don't try to be inauthentic just don't ignore stuff that's gonna cause problems. 

I am a person that wouldn't mind you at all behaving the way you're doing. I believe many of us on this forum are like that. I might feel insecure but I'd tell you that's my feelings not your misdoing.

[Nathan]

Thank you. 'I' hit enlightenment but it scared me and I tried to forget it to save my ego, I was scared and my heart rate elevated dramatically. But I do want change, thank you for the book recommendation

[SLICKHAWK]

You have not. have no thing . awaken yes we found you.