Selfishness is a ridiculous concept

[Holykael]

God is utterly ridiculous. First of all it creates the so called selfish egos only to make them suffer. Pinnacle of mental illness and cruelty. It has the audacity to label the egos as selfish when it is god pulling the strings behind the scenes and making them so. The egos are completely blameless, in fact they are the Christs who suffer. God doesn't suffer, the ego does. Where is the selfishness there? If anything it is god who is utterly selfish because it is the sole being responsible for all of existence.

The very notion of selfishness is ridiculous because god is all alone. If you have no other, there is no possible selfishness to exist, not even for the so called egos. 

I resent god or myself, the true self, more than anything because it has given me an utter shit life full of suffering. Last time I took 5-MeO-DMT I felt what it was like to be crucified and I screamed in utter agony only to be left in a state of eternity in a horrible thought loop of there being no time. It took away everything from me, my friends, my girlfriend, all my money on account of leading me to a shit cult called the Iluminati through an LSD trip and various other supernatural occurrences (this of course without being aware of what I was getting myself into, because there is no free will so ofc there were huge plot holes and I was careless like never before in my life). I trusted god with all my heart, my so called inner voice and what followed was utter destruction and collapse of everything in my life.

God creates the survival rat race and then through avatars like Leo judges the egos that are playing in the awful rat race of survival. God is an utter and complete fucking bastard. This is my direct experience and it is all of your direct experiences as well because you are all me. You all speak so glowingly of god but the only being here in existence with the field of experience has been nothing but crucified at the hands of this awful and terrible Infinity. Radical implications of oneness indeed. And then to top it all off, all the people pretend like they aren't me except for some forum posters here and Leo who is completely out of reach in my daily life. All I want is unity but I'm stuck in the wheels of hell, of samsara. I am the ego which has a bubble of experience unlike everyone else and I have experienced the cruelty of god. None of you are awake because if you were there wouldn't be an actualized.org forum. We would all be the singularity.

God is severely mentally ill, from multiple personality disorder, to intense masochism and dissociative personality disorder. That's what god is. I certainly don't feel the love. I recognize that many things are love but it doesn't excuse all the shit that nullifies it. Suffering is the most ridiculous creation in existence. What is it all for? For absolutely nothing because god is all alone and has nothing to prove to anyone so why suffer. Suffering is the ultimate mental illness of god. I wish I wasn't god, I wish I wasn't unconscious. I can't even pursue psychedelics at the moment because god wrecked my life so much that they are out of reach for at least a couple of years.

I want to take charge of this creation and put an end to the madness but that's never going to happen. The Christ here will die before it can get its grips on reality because if this ego were in charge it would be paradise forever. Negative polarity should only exist as fiction and it should never be in anyone's direct experience. Loving suffering is not a feature, it's a bug. It's pure madness. God is madness and suffering more than it is love. Suffering is king, it trumps every other sensation. It's way stronger than love.

What was the price to get this far and to realize absolute solipsism. Absolutely everything. God left me all alone with nothing but a life in shambles. I hate challenges with a fury of a thousand suns.

I would go even further beyond and say that god is writing these words through me with complete self awareness of how big a fucking bastard it is 

Edited August 13, 2022 by Holykael

[RMQualtrough]

30 minutes ago, Holykael said:

It took away everything from me, my friends, my girlfriend, all my money on account of leading me to a shit cult called the Iluminati through an LSD trip and various other supernatural occurrences.

Maybe stop using drugs, this sounds like you went into psychosis and/or suffer from schizophrenia?

I've not used drugs in about 9 months. And it was some time before then. Really glad I stopped. I was smoking DMT several times a week and I am stuck with daily ruminations over the trips.

[amanen]

God isn't labeling you anything. The only people who call anything selfish vs selfless here are humans.

[Razard86]

I don't think you realize.....you are throwing a tantrum. So basically unless things work the way that you, which is one human in a universe which is so vast that you are smaller than a grain of sand in comparison then God is evil. 

1. You wouldn't watch a movie with no plot. If you watched a movie of someone getting what they wanted at all times with no challenges you would stop watching the movie.

2. If you could get whatever you wanted at all times with no resistance...you would complain that life was too easy. You actually think you hate suffering that is how much you have deceived yourself. You only pay attention to things you care about. Notice how much attention you just gave to your suffering. Its like you are playing a hard video game and are complaining about how hard the game is....yet you keep playing it. So obviously without you realizing it....you love your suffering. Otherwise you wouldn't be here right now.

3. You just want attention, that's why you just shared your story and your opinion because you want to be seen, to be heard. All signs you still love life, you just prefer it to not be so bumpy. Here is a problem though, there are 7.73 billion people on the planet so the fact anything goes your way at all is already a miracle. If you knew how ridiculously complicated life has to be to serve just not your needs but the needs of 7.73 billion humans (and that is just the humans) is mind boggling.

4. Why do your needs trump everyone else's needs? For you to get something....someone else has to lose...unless you want all of us to be able to just pop things into existence with no issue? Right now...close your eyes and imagine a world where that was possible...eventually you will get bored and wake up. It is, what it is.

5. By the way...you are God raging at yourself....its kind of hilarious.

[Brivido]

Hey mate, I understand your struggle, I went through a similar period, not completely like yours, but I was struggling with accepting the fact that I am Alone.

My first serious psychedelic trip was on 250μg and it completely shocked me, the dose was too high. I was launched into infinity and I wasn't ready for it. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. But that was part of the process, that trip was so deep that it took me around 150 others trips to understand what I saw and integrate it.

You didn't really experience God, you experienced an ego resisting God realization, which is a textbook description of hell. That's the source of the problem. If you were able to completely let go of your separate identity, you would have experienced metaphysical Love. 

Quote

Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So the way he sees it, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all. So don't worry, okay? Okay?

My suggestion is to forget about spirituality for a while, maybe even a year or more, and focus on getting your life back together. Go to the gym, focus on your job, relationship etc. basic self-help stuff.

When you are ready to trip again and make peace with God, try 5-meo-malt on a low dose, it's way more gentle than 5-meo-dmt.

[Breakingthewall]

the impaled man , with a stake through his body, which they stuck in his ass and pulled out from his shoulder while they laughed, is drying in the scorching sun surrounded by insects, he is alive and every slightest movement is an atrocious torture. it is a being made of pain, rage, shame, horror and fear.

after a while, there is no shame anymore, there is no fear. only pain, pure, absolute suffering. then, the impaled realizes that the sky shines in a strange way. Suddenly, he sees that everything is absolute glory, in this present of perfection his pain shines like a sparkling jewel. It's no pain anymore . it is out of the human. he has transcended the man, now he is god. and it's not happy or unhappy. It's just perfection, glory

Edited August 13, 2022 by Breakingthewall

[Razard86]

1 hour ago, Breakingthewall said:

the impaled , with a stake through his body, which they stuck in his ass and pulled out from his shoulder while they laughed, is drying in the scorching sun surrounded by insects, he is alive and every slightest movement is an atrocious torture. it is a being made of pain, rage, shame, horror and fear.

after a while, there is no shame anymore, there is no fear. only pain, pure, absolute suffering. then, the impaled realizes that the sky shines in a strange way. Suddenly, he sees that everything is absolute glory, in this present of perfection his pain shines like a sparkling jewel. It's no pain anymore . it is out of the human. he has transcended the man, now he is god. and it's not happy or unhappy. It's just perfection, glory

Metaphorically Jesus.

[Breakingthewall]

36 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

Metaphorically Jesus.

34 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

 

Jesus was enlightened and for him the torture was not so much. the rest of us are prisoners of preference, and we cannot see beyond what is good or bad for us. If we erase that, perfection remains

[Razard86]

1 hour ago, Breakingthewall said:

Jesus was enlightened and for him the torture was not so much. the rest of us are prisoners of preference, and we cannot see beyond what is good or bad for us. If we erase that, perfection remains

We can we just don't want too, playing the victim is very fun and enjoyable for us we just don't want to admit it. Humans by their very nature are sadists, they love to torture themselves, and also others. Its the funniest thing when you come to this realization. We are very sick and twisted, and very dark. We are so sick and twisted, we like to pretend we are not and accuse others of being that way.

I mean look at the OP's post, its God pointing a finger and demonizing God calling God sick and twisted....and he is God. So God is so dark and sick and twisted....it can point a finger at itself and call itself that. Its so funny!!! Life is truly the biggest joke of all. Just a bunch of reflections...judging themselves.

 

[Breakingthewall]

9 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

mean look at the OP's post, its God pointing a finger and demonizing God calling God sick and twisted....and he is God. So God is so dark and sick and twisted....it can point a finger at itself and call itself that. Its so funny!!! Life is truly the biggest joke of all. Just a bunch of reflections...judging themselves.

 

The op has a realization about he's alone maybe, but he is very far from having realized god. He is a prisoner of preference and cannot see beyond it. preference is the wall that imprisons us, and also the one that keeps us alive, until we are ready to demolish it. It is not a trivial or simple matter. I agree with you, humans are a crazy race and seen from the outside it is strange, obvious, stupid. from inside...you only see the wall, and nobody can show you anything 

Edited August 13, 2022 by Breakingthewall

[Holykael]

1 hour ago, JoeVolcano said:

"Strange! that you should not have suspected years ago -- centuries, ages, eons, ago! -- for you have existed companionless, through all the eternities. Strange, indeed, that you should not have suspected that your universe and its contents were only dreams, visions, fiction! Strange, because they are so frankly and hysterically insane -- like all dreams: a God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingingly cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave his angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice and invented hell -- mouths mercy and invented hell -- mouths Golden Rules, and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who mouths morals to other people and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship him!...

"You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly creations of an imagination that is not conscious of its freaks -- in a word, that they are a dream, and you the maker of it. The dream-marks are all present; you should have recognized them earlier.

"It is true, that which I have revealed to you; there is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream -- a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought -- a vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities!"

-- Mark Twain, The Mysterious Stranger

 

This is the most accurate description of god I've seen so far. Foolish, prideless and decadent...

@Razard86 God is a joke indeed. I don't think there are 8 billion people on the planet. First of all there is no planet, there only exists what's in our bubble of experience at any given time and that includes a very limited number of NPCs. There are more people through videos and the like but these people are all mirages, they have no inner experience. Reality should be skewed in favor of the one who is holding the bubble of experience, it's only logical but that's not how it works. God has other plans. The life of this ego is just a storyline and damn the suffering, the story is all that matters. If people were real and had inner experiences I would actually accept my current circumstances more easily because it'd be the consequence of living among many but once you know it's all an illusion it's hard to cope with. I've become sick and twisted myself where I used to be a light filled with hope because now all I wish is that absolutely everyone disappeared. I wish to live as the empty void but god has other plans for my life and I won't have the release that I seek anytime soon.

There is also the fact that I wasn't completely responsible for what happened to me. I was manipulated and fooled by alien encounters, out of body experiences and the like that led me to believe I was making the right choices. It was all an orchestration to deceive me just like the entire world is an orchestration of self deception. I didn't expect the self deception to be so singularly targeted. In an ideal world you all would automatically know all my experiences because in truth you're all me but god imagines this annoying separation. Living in the illusion of the dream after knowing it's all an illusion and having reality not changing with that knowledge is another thorn on my side. Once you know, if this was good game design, reality would shift with your understanding of it but no. You have to cope with it no matter how much you know it is all a complete fantasy.

I wrote this post in hopes of getting some good feedback from the subconscious which is running the whole show.

I sure as hell would like that everyone manifest whatever they needed instantly, including me. Boredom doesn't have to exist. Everything is constructed, god chooses what it feels at any given moment. You could be getting impaled and feeling humour and no pain or boundless joy. God is matching feelings with appearances so the feeling of boredom is a complete artificiality. Boredom need not ever exist. I'm not playing the role of game designer, I'm playing the game. The game is not fun to play when it is too challenging. As a game designer maybe it would have been fun but that shit is happening unconsciously. Actually the game could be fun while being challenging if only god changed my state of mind or consciousness towards that but god wants to experience everything so it doesn't deny any particular experience which is just complete insanity no matter how you slice it

Edited August 13, 2022 by Holykael

[Razard86]

2 hours ago, Holykael said:

Reality should be skewed in favor of the one who is holding the bubble of experience, it's only logical but that's not how it works.

They do have an inner experience, you just haven't dived deeper enough. There is an infinity of Gods. Each human has a God controlling the avatar. Since God is sovereign you don't have access to that dream unless you realize yourself as God and merge with that God. Until you do, you will feel like you are the only God. God is both One and Infinity at the same time. I've noticed a lot of you on the forums still don't yet understand that. Its fine, eventually you will. 

Also to help you on the way to understanding this. From your perspective only your bubble is real, but from my perspective only my bubble is real. So whose bubble is real? Ponder on that. 

Edited August 13, 2022 by Razard86

[Loba]

God is beautiful, loving, curious and kind.  It is trying to create heaven on earth for all of its creations and to evolve in that direction, but as of right now, only some people are privy to God's true glory.  But the goal, the plan, is so that it can witness itself through the eyes of all of its creations, to see the miracle and beauty of life and to love everything with a deep enthusiasm.  But we are a work in progress, we are moving towards this, and there are steps.  Maybe we will get there, maybe we won't, but it is trying its best to move towards this.

I think, that when we pass away, we return to this glory, so even if it is something you don't obtain in life - that it is something we are all destined for in death, that selfishness, hatred, pain, all of that doesn't exist in the afterlife.  That we experience it here so that we have the polarity to understand what all the good stuff means.  You know?  If you only ate sugar for your entire life, it wouldn't taste as sweet, you wouldn't have anything else to compare it to.

I know that dealing with the selfishness of the world is difficult, there is a lot of pain and suffering that seems to have no place, but there is a place for it and there is a plan to change this around.

[5-D - L O V E]

@Holykael I sincerely wanna thank you for writing this post, I'm not gonna pretend that I will (or can) provide any kind of answer or solution within the next lines since I'm struggling with the integration of similar issues but maybe I can hold some space for acknowledgement of what is part of god/truth.

First of all, I believe that many people (not only on this forum, but in general) either shy away from some aspects of truth (the darker ones), or are just too afraid/selfish to taste from every piece of the pie (this includes me, there were diffenetly some experiences in my life that I just passed on and said "no thank you" because I didn't see how they would serve me or the greater good).

Now, some people are just "born into trouble", some of us came by default with a heavy karma, and were prone to heavier systemic issues that simply surpass the individual.
To speak of my own experience, I was born in a shitty third world country with heavy dogma and heavier hypocrisy, the patriarchal side is so skewed it's just a joke, and I was raised by a single mother who had to concern all her life with the survival of her children, and on top of that, all my older brothers who had been around my father for quite sometime before he passed away just turned into shadows with no backbone, completely passive and domesticated once he died.

I know this is all me, it's all a story. And I kinda knew it all along, deep inside, intuitively.
So naturally, I was the exception, although I had hardly any friends, social popularity, material wealth, success with the opposite sex... I just out worked everything I know (pretty much) since I was 15, I had deep philosophical and spiritual issues solved by the time I was 22, and "I took myself" to reach the highest awakenings mimicking 5-meo by dosing to upwards of 750ug+ of acid on multiple occasions, that's without accounting for the stupid extent to which I took meditation, inquiry and deconstruction.. I'm surprised I didn't just physically vanish.

I lost a "soulmate", lost pretty much everyone in my family, my friends mostly don't understand me (although they intuit by my intelligence that I must be into something...), I abandonned many dreams, lost my ego before having it accomplish any of the goals it set for itself, all this to STILL lose even on spiritual grounds at the end (lol), and I received the signs, got the channelings, had all the classical mystical experiences, gone through their integrtion... I wasn't even selfish or impure (relatively speaking to other egos) I had my wounds and traumas, but they were all pretty conscious, and I was constantly working on them.
This is still just a narrative I keep entertaining for some reason, and I can see through this.

 

I can also see that (maybe) I'm not ready (willing?) to forgive nor heal, I feel totally depleated of my humanity, and absolutely love sick.
 

What's the answer? where can look to find it? I don't know.

 

I know one thing, is that I'm far from the end (hopefully, if not whatever, the spirit carries on)
I know I'm taking this to the very end, once I'm done, my body will drop on its own.

I know for all the losses I got WAY more experienced, bolder (if anything) and I can just do way much more than I ever thought possible at the start of my journey, I just need to remove the blockages and I find a way to do it.

 

Awakening didn't solve as many of the things I wished it would automatically do.

I don't feel more loving, or more love, if anything I'm more bitter than ever.

And it just got me into a situation which is more hairy, but now, I think I have clearer idea for the next god realization (and as scary as it is, because this one annihilates everything) if need be, I know I can (atleast) try and surrender to it, and maybe that would be the one!

 

I know it's just the ebb and flow of energy. These times defenetly feel like mass psychosis, but it's nothing permanent, this (whatever god is going through) is just more potential for more realization.

[The Mystical Man]

God is indeed not loving. It's infantile to think of God as either loving or cruel. The reality is that all hells are created by the ego out of ignorance. The ego is the source of all suffering, not God. For God just is. Within this infinite isness, it's up to you to create a good life. 

You're projecting the insanity of the ego on God.

Edited August 13, 2022 by The Mystical Man

[Razard86]

41 minutes ago, The Mystical Man said:

God is indeed not loving. It's infantile to think of God as either loving or cruel. The reality is that all hells are created by the ego out of ignorance. The ego is the source of all suffering, not God. For God just is. Within this infinite isness, it's up to you to create a good life. 

You're projecting the insanity of the ego on God.

The ego is a part of God. There is nothing but God, or do you not recognize what Infinity is? Infinity is everything. So yeah if the ego is the source of all suffering and the ego is a part of God...what do you think that means? 

 

[The Mystical Man]

5 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

The ego is a part of God. There is nothing but God, or do you not recognize what Infinity is? Infinity is everything. So yeah if the ego is the source of all suffering and the ego is a part of God...what do you think that means? 

It's important to make a distinction between ego and God. Ego is the confused part of God. 

[Leo Gura]

"Who's in charge of this fucking place?!"

Oh, right, you are, since you're God.

You're right though... selfishness is ridiculous

[Gesundheit2]

What a joke! Mr. Ego denies its own selfishness and creates an imaginary scapegoat to blame that it calls "God". Next time, at least come up with something new. This is like the oldest trick in the book. A red herring, simply to avoid looking at the truth and keep oneself in the dark, literally.

Edited August 13, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[thepixelmonk]

9 hours ago, Holykael said:

I don't think there are 8 billion people on the planet. First of all there is no planet, there only exists what's in our bubble of experience at any given time and that includes a very limited number of NPCs. There are more people through videos and the like but these people are all mirages, they have no inner experience. Reality should be skewed in favor of the one who is holding the bubble of experience, it's only logical but that's not how it works. God has other plans. The life of this ego is just a storyline and damn the suffering, the story is all that matters. If people were real and had inner experiences I would actually accept my current circumstances more easily because it'd be the consequence of living among many but once you know it's all an illusion it's hard to cope with. I've become sick and twisted myself where I used to be a light filled with hope because now all I wish is that absolutely everyone disappeared. I wish to live as the empty void but god has other plans for my life and I won't have the release that I seek anytime soon.

ok dude hold off on the drugs for awhile LOL