Expression of Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Screenshot of my conversation with ChatGPT.

The last line legit broke me 😭

[Sincerity]

Cool shit I found on Pinterest - part 2.

[Sincerity]

I was on sick leave from work today and yesterday. Yesterday I laid in bed most of the day. Today I sprung into action with mostly doing household stuff. It's satisfying. 

It's really a shame a weekend isn't 3 days long instead of 2. I find from experience that the 3rd day is absolutely crucial for me to rest. It's so hard to rest in 2 days when there's a lot of stuff to do which you don't have time for during workdays.

Might sound entitled and shit but I really wish we had a 4-day workweek. That doesn't matter if I don't plan to work for a corporation in the future, but at least for the moment, and for other people... that'd be nice.

If I could, I would most likely even opt in to a 4-day 10h workweek.

Edited February 4 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

At least I have some nice people around me.

I wonder what would happen if I died. Like, I jump off of a bridge and what then? Would the change in state/reality feel better?

Sigh. Fuck. The pointlessness is getting to me again.

Edited February 7 by Sincerity

[Davino]

Sometimes just surviving the day is an achievement, even if it doesn’t feel like one.

You have some nice people around you that I’m sure they care more than you might think. You don’t have to go through this by yourself. Maybe try talking with someone you trust when the pointlessness gets strong, so that you can shift your state out of there.

Lots of love

 

[Davino]

When I feel low I like to listen to this song. It's like a mental anchor for me. You may like it

 

[Sincerity]

@Davino Hey man, thanks so much for reaching out.  A wave of nihilism washed over me for about a week but it's alright. I enjoy life and I really have some great people around me, especially my gf.

Love to you as well! Maybe we'll talk again some other time when we're not both in a rush. 🤙

[Davino]

Happy to hear you're doing fine❤️

Surely another call will happen one day

[Sincerity]

Ugh. Everything feels purposeless. Like I'm not doing anything meaningful in the world.

What am I doing it all for?

I really like my job. My profession interests me. I love my partner. She's the greatest girlfriend ever. I like the close people around me. And I like myself quite a bit.

But I'm still feeling hollow. God fucking dammit!

I literally don't know what to do with myself lately sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of shit to do. And I'm doing it step by step, although now I have less energy for these chores of life. But after I feel all is done I just don't know what to do. Introspection feels meaningless. Expression feels impossible. I'm having some god damn fucking blockage with my expressiveness, I feel like I don't wanna give to the world, I don't wanna share out, express.

Ughhhhhhhh. FUCK!

[Sincerity]

I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

"I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid that somebody that I love dies."

"Last thing my sister told me on her death bed was "It isn't fair"....she was only 44"

"The walls of hospitals have heard more prayers than any churches, mosques and temples."

I love you.

[Sincerity]

The people around me are lonely.

How come I'm the only one who has enough interaction? Sometimes too much?

It's exhausting.

I'm slipping. I just want to live in fantasy. I eat and watch Adventure Time. I am pointless.

Maybe I'm the lonely one?

I could do so much, but nothing is appealing.

Edited March 13 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I will never be happy.

What would ever satisfy me? How would I be consistent in peace or joy with waves of the vast ocean of all sorts of different energies constantly washing over me?

I don't see a point in me. I am truly pointless. Even when things have meaning, they don't. Even when some of the stuff I do is cool, it matters not in the end. I might have literally everything, but I'm never capable of really appreciating it. The best partner in the world, a cool place to live, a job I like, everything. What a waste and a disgrace.

I hate seeing the news constantly. I hate not wanting to do anything. I hate screaming into the void. And honestly, I hate myself.

Expressing this is so stupid, BUT WHAT'S THE OTHER OPTION? I don't want to express ANYTHING, I find it dumb and pointless, and yet this is an expression in itself. Fuck my life, fuck me and fuck everything. The only reason I'm not killing myself is because WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT OF THAT. WHAT WOULD THAT ACCOMPLISH? NOTHING! LITERALLY NOTHING! 

I AM IN FUCKING HELL AND NOTHING I CAN DO CAN CHANGE ANYTHING. DEATH AND LIFE ARE EQUALLY POINTLESS. I DO NOT HAVE THE ENERGY TO KILL MYSELF, BECAUSE I FIND THIS ENERGY DUMB AND I DECONSTRUCT ITS MEANING ANY TIME IT ARISES. FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DOESN'T ANYTHING HAVE ANY MEANING?!?!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This place is some fucking purgatory and it's not making me laugh.

 

It's literally preferable to stay at work or go to sleep earlier rather than engage with this experience. 😂 Fuck this piece of shit hellhole.

Edited Tuesday at 07:35 PM by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

[Schizophonia]

@Sincerity

You seem like a cool guy, it’s fine.

It is a neurotic regression to think that the world must have meaning/purpose.

It's just a very realistic and twisted sandbox.

Ramana Maharshi helped me to be less crazy.

Mhh

Edited Wednesday at 10:45 AM by Schizophonia