Expression of Sincerity

[Sincerity]

4 minutes ago, Evan Gill said:

relate to this so much

Haha 

1 minute ago, Yimpa said:

Love and hate are ultimately unity. It’s quite profound!

Yeah. (Genuine) hatred is love in a shadow form. The energy can be reverted back to love if wanted.

On 6/11/2024 at 5:00 PM, Sincerity said:

I hate these fucking pointless discussions about spirituality. I hate spiritual teachers (with exceptions).

Disgust is probably a better word than hate here. I'm disgusted by these idiotic discussions.

Regarding genuine hate though it does come to surface for me a lot lately. And I do indeed revert it to love with focus. It's not towards other people though, it's mostly towards myself or sometimes my romantic partner. My current theory is that new "waves" of love first appear in the mind as hate which is can be processed. It's a process of growth in love.

[Yimpa]

@Sincerity being with my partner can sometimes be like a potent psychedelic from my experience. I’m very sensitive to them. 

ILY 

Edited June 24 by Yimpa

[Sincerity]

My heart is constantly being overrun by pain, hatred and numbness. I’m acting out at times. It’s unnerving.

I’m blocked. I can’t see a way out. It’s the same things again and again.

I no longer really have suicidal thoughts. I’m feeling like shit but not enough for motivation to arise to make some meaningful change, which is even worse? And I’m tired of expressing the difficult feelings. Like there’s not much point in expressing them, writing them out or whatever. Fuck.

In this journal I was once expressing the immense hatred coming out of me. Now it feels bland and stupid. The fucking drama man. And how can I lie to myself - I’m the only one to blame. Who else would I be angry towards?

I’m just tired of myself. I hate myself. I can’t make things right because I don’t have it in me. I’m a slave of my own making. A failure.

There’s many good things in my life which I appreciate. There’s just one rotten thing at the center of it all. I hate it. I run my nails into my chest. I fantasize about stabbing myself.

And I can’t be a man for my partner in this state. I’m pitiful. There’s constantly something wrong. I’m constantly tired. I don’t want to make excuses. Why can’t I just be alright? Why can’t I change?

I’m so full of shit. If I really wanted to change I would. I fantasize about it but deep down I like the misery. I like fighting all the time. I like the thrill. I’m a child doing anything to distract themselves from reality. A fuck-up. This is all so stupid.

I love my partner and I’m mostly able to change for her with focus. But I can’t do that for myself. There’s no love for this filthy piece of trash here. I don’t care. I want to suffer.

Fuck everything! If I could be something else, I would.

Edited June 24 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Yesterday at night I went on a suicide walk. There's a particular bridge out of multiple that I'd jump from. I walked to it for about an hour.

Along the way I tried to wake up that bastard piece of shit that would break me out of that trance. But I was too weak. 🤣 I had a lot of visions along the way - I dispelled them and tried not to care. I was imagining what it'd be like to die. I was imagining what would happen.

When I got to the bridge I tried to run and jump. I was imagining it vividly in my head trying to force it. I started having visions of drowning in the water, and then... I started choking. Still on the bridge, as if I was drowning. I couldn't help but vomit. The vision was so strong I was choking on land. No one was looking. I spit into the river.

I left the bridge and sat for a while on the stairs leading to it. There's some people passing but they don't look. Later I call myself a taxi for a ride home.

I'm so numb. I just want to laugh. I am so retarded it's comical! 🤣 How am I going to tell anyone? There's problems with me all the time. How am I going to tell her? To be a failure and disappointment in her eyes even more! 😂 Only I could do that. That's me folks! Only I could ruin my life so hard 😁

Edited June 26 by Sincerity

[UnbornTao]

@Sincerity You can always set new goals and focus your attention into achieving them while being happy. Try looking at your situation from a different perspective; this can help in not taking oneself too seriously. Also, let go of unhelpful patterns.

Enjoy! Maybe read some Rumi.

Edited June 26 by UnbornTao

[Sincerity]

I am not crazy! I know I am Infinity. I knew I was God. One who cannot be spoken. As if I could ever make such a mistake. Never. Never! I just – I just couldn't keep it. I covered my tracks, I got these thoughts and the ego state to lie to me. You think this is something? You think this is bad? This? This chicanery? I've done worse. That LSD trip! Are you telling me that a man just happens to forget like that? No! I orchestrated it! God! He's dreaming the Universe! And I saw Him! And I couldn't not have. I took the blotter into my own mouth! What was I thinking? I’ll never change. I’ll never change! Ever since uhh, forever, always the same! Couldn’t keep my state from going lower! But not Dreamy! Couldn’t be precious Dreamy! Shutting my eyes blind! And I don't get to be Awake? What a sick joke! I should’ve focused on that state more when I had the chance! …And you, you have to realize this! You

[Yimpa]

Stage strong, my friend. You helped me out during dark times and I appreciate your presence here. You rock!🪨 

[Sincerity]

A „person” doesn’t really die if they die thinking the world will go on without them. Because they don’t confront the fear of losing EVERYTHING. The death of EVERYTHING.

And so the fear/attachment lingers on. Unconscious, but there.

Reality is a mirror of the invisible „inner”.  Practically it’s only the „inner” that matters. If the inner isn’t confronted, it lingers on. And a pattern repeats itself in reality.

What is the best possible way you can imagine for reality’s structure/mechanics to be? What is the best way you can imagine life is (at all times)?

So example from me: nothing matters, it’s just a playground for me as God, I am unconditionally loved. A „structure” of existence itself.

It’s infinitely better than that. But also it’s not that and nothing else at all. There’s no rock bottom structure whatsoever, any structure is imagined into perception. But yet THAT structure is then what is the case. But also there IS higher structure/understanding.

What is the WORST way you can imagine life is?

Heaven/hell really is perception. Not that I understand that because I don’t.

[Sincerity]

I don’t know how to be happy. I’m lost and confused. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know the way out.

I crumble under the most basic question. Everything stems from this. I have a hole in my chest. I’m too distracted to look.

I only see as far as 2 meters, then there’s only darkness. I am alone in a foreign land. I cry out of powerlessness. There is no help.

Daggers are stabbing me. My physical body shivers. I disregard the attacks. It’s too painful to confront.

To have everything at my fingertips and yet to get nothing of that. The truth is I prefer the cage. At least I get to have my way.

Edited July 6 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I want to provide some more value to this community before I inevitably leave. I was thinking about what threads I could create. What do I say that others would get value from?

So pointless. The harder I try, the less I succeed.

I figured the best contribution I can make is simply share my experience. Someone who relates should find my words valuable. I don't need to make threads explaining my techniques, insights or any of that shit. Who gives a fuck? People relate to stories, not words of convincing.

I am in unprecedented territory. After my suicide "attempt" (nothing would happen anyway, it was failed from the start, I was just being dramatic) I repressed the memory. But I knew I had to tell my closest one since otherwise I was emotionally blocked from her. And so after 2 weeks I told my girlfriend.

...

A lot of crying. Anger. No faith. The most humiliating day of my life. I seriously didn't know how to continue living. I felt like I destroyed everything.

But we're getting through it. I have the greatest girlfriend in the world. My literal hot witch girlfriend. My dream come true. I love her so much. I'm becoming a real man with her by my side.

Anyways we're moving out together in less than a month. I got us an awesome fucking flat for rent in a beautiful location. I'm really happy about that.

So much is happening. Almost too much. But right now I feel quite well.

Today I watched my live awakening video that I posted to the forum in May last year. Gosh, this was only a year ago...? I was so different. That's not me on that video.

I wonder what would happen if I took LSD now.

I don't know why... I run away.

Edited July 11 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Lost eternally in an endless night. Is that your idea of paradise?

[Sincerity]

I fucking hate people talking about spirituality so much. These dumb motherfuckers talking in such an enlightened way while they're unaware that a powerful energy/feeling could ALWAYS bring them down to a low unconscious level. How stupid are you? Don't you realize your state is fragile like glass? You're at the mercy of forces you're not yet aware of, but they're there under the surface. And you wouldn't be giving these sweet talks smiling if you were KOed like a motherfucker by them when they inevitably come up. Such fucking idiots. It's always easy to understand shit in retrospect. Let's see you apply these lessons when you're down in the dirt again! You stupid assholes.

[Sincerity]

Inspiring shit! 

[Sincerity]

(4:13-7:50) Literally my mind. I hear voices of malicious laughter and hatred towards me.

I just fucking hate everything so much. Only a bullet through my head could relieve me.

[Sincerity]

Life is a game and I'm losing it.

36 minutes ago, Sincerity said:

 

I'm sorry if OMOCAT (creator of the game) had to go through hell which inspired this game. 

Every story / myth / whatever is inspired by real imaginings of the mind. I now understand these stories of saints fighting with demons or the devil. I can see "a being" behind every thought I have. Some more saintly, some more hellish. All of the hindu gods "exist", or at least they exist for whoever sees them. All of the myth and stories which "humans came up with" (= were experienced with the mind's eye) were "true" (= were indeed played off in the mind's eye). It is quite obvious to say that "a story was first thought", nobody will disagree with that. But most will disagree that it was thus real. Well, it was! Just differently!

With my mind's eye I see hellish, inhuman creatures. Sometimes angelic ones as well. And long consistent stories play off in my mind. For months (from December to July) a quest unraveled in my mind regarding me "catching" and understanding the fox. Before that there was a story about the snake. And now a story about a hawk is playing off. And other ones simultaneously as well.

People don't understand that what happens in the mind is real. It's a different kind of real, but still real. You don't understand there is seriousness and meaning behind what happens there.

And even when you shut off the mind these stories still play off unconsciously in physical reality. It's just that you don't see why.

WHAT YOU'RE UNCONSCIOUS OF IS STILL THERE!

In spite of what these dumbasses tell you, it's not just THIS in front of you. So fucking simplistic and stupid. These same fucking people would see a fake apple and try to bite it. They would see a red dot from a laser on the wall and try to catch it. No consciousness behind these eyes. Instead of seeing deeper they're seeing shit in 2D.

There is THOUGHT behind EVERYTHING. Thought being reason, meaning, energy, will.

I hate everything and I'm tired.

Edited August 23 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I do not care and I do not want to be taken care of. Fuck the family. Fuck friends. Fuck everyone.

Everyone keeps telling me about their bullshit and I just DON'T CARE. Calling my mum and she's telling me about her STUPID SHIT. People messaging me with their crap. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. When are you going to fucking get that?

And I don't care about telling people about my shit. It is really shit when I think about it. Seriously, who gives a fuck?

I JUST FUCKING WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE!

The only one I care about is my partner.

Edited August 27 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I think Joe Rogan is great. He gets a lot of shit for sympathizing with the right a bit or spreading misinformation but fact of the matter is you can't be perfect. The guy is doing a lot of things in life, posting a lot of content and there's always gonna be fuck ups. You gotta appreciate his output and the openmindedness he brings to the interviews.

Obviously there is merit to criticisms of him, but I'm saying that it's not that significant compared to the amount of creative output he's produced. I think we should appreciate people with a big creative output more and if we disagree with them, we should best create our own stuff, express our own voice. I think it's always best to focus on your own creation rather than bring down others'. Let your work be more amazing, more inspiring, more truthful. But you might find that it's really difficult to not make mistakes and you will probably be shit on. The hero does his own thing. The low level villains are obstacles, they're just on the hero's path for him/her to push through. It's such background-character energy to be hateful towards others.

Edited August 28 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Lately I really started appreciating the value of getting AI to counteract my points. So here's my conversation with ChatGPT just now:

Refute this with counterarguments: *inserted my post from above*

"While your perspective on Joe Rogan and the value of creative output is understandable, it's important to consider some counterarguments that highlight the complexities of the issues surrounding him.

1. Influence and Responsibility: Joe Rogan's platform is massive, reaching millions of listeners. With such a large audience comes significant responsibility. When he spreads misinformation or sympathizes with controversial views, it can have real-world consequences. While mistakes are inevitable, the stakes are much higher for someone with his level of influence. Criticizing him isn't necessarily about "hating" but about holding influential figures accountable for the potential harm they can cause.

2. Impact on Public Discourse: Rogan's platform isn't just about creativity; it's also about shaping public discourse. When he gives a platform to certain viewpoints, particularly those that are factually incorrect or harmful, it can amplify dangerous ideas. This isn't just about creative expression—it's about the ethical implications of spreading information that can mislead or harm society. Critics argue that without proper fact-checking or accountability, this can be deeply problematic.

3. Criticism vs. Creation: While creating your own content is valuable, criticizing others, especially when they have a significant impact, is also important. Constructive criticism can lead to improvement and greater accountability. It's not about bringing someone down but about ensuring that influential voices contribute positively to society. Public figures, especially those with vast reach, should expect and welcome criticism as a part of the discourse they contribute to.

4. False Equivalence: The idea that criticism is inherently negative or villainous overlooks the role of healthy debate and disagreement in society. Criticism, when done constructively, is essential for growth—both for individuals and society. It’s not about being a "background character" but about participating actively in a collective conversation. Dismissing critics as "low-level villains" can undermine the importance of accountability in a healthy democracy.

5. The Balance of Output and Responsibility: Creative output is valuable, but it doesn't absolve someone from the consequences of their actions. A high volume of content does not inherently justify the spread of misinformation or controversial views without challenge. Appreciating someone's output doesn't mean overlooking the potential harm they may cause; both can be acknowledged and addressed simultaneously.

In conclusion, while it's admirable to appreciate creative output, it's equally important to consider the broader implications of a public figure's actions, especially when they have a significant platform. Criticism, when rooted in concern for the public good, plays a vital role in ensuring that influential voices contribute positively to society."

Now refute your own points with counterarguments.

"Certainly! Here's a refutation of the counterarguments I presented earlier:

Influence and Responsibility: While it's true that Joe Rogan has a significant platform, it's important to recognize that his podcast is known for its open, free-form discussions rather than as a source of authoritative information. Listeners generally understand that they are tuning into a wide range of opinions, some of which may be controversial or incorrect. Rogan often encourages listeners to think critically and do their own research, rather than taking everything said on the podcast as fact. In this sense, Rogan’s role isn’t to act as a gatekeeper of truth but to explore a wide array of perspectives.

Impact on Public Discourse: While some worry that Rogan’s platform amplifies harmful ideas, it can also be argued that exposing these ideas to open discussion is better than suppressing them. When controversial viewpoints are brought into the public discourse, they can be critically examined, debunked, or refined. Suppressing these ideas might drive them underground, where they can fester unchecked. Rogan's platform provides an opportunity for controversial ideas to be confronted in the open, which can be more effective in the long run.

Criticism vs. Creation: While criticism is essential, it's also important to remember that Rogan’s format is based on exploring ideas rather than endorsing them. Criticism aimed at Rogan might sometimes overlook the fact that he is not positioning himself as an expert, but as a facilitator of conversation. Encouraging people to create their own content, rather than just criticizing, fosters a more constructive environment where diverse voices can be heard. Additionally, Rogan’s approach—letting the audience decide—respects the intelligence and autonomy of his listeners.

False Equivalence: While healthy debate and criticism are important, it’s also crucial to avoid conflating criticism with constructive engagement. Constant criticism of Rogan can sometimes border on cancel culture, where the goal seems more about silencing someone than engaging with their ideas. Instead of constantly criticizing public figures like Rogan, it might be more productive to engage in meaningful dialogue or create alternative platforms that offer different perspectives. Moreover, dismissing Rogan’s critics as "background characters" might sound harsh, but it emphasizes the idea that creating positive change often requires more than just tearing others down—it requires building something better.

The Balance of Output and Responsibility: While Rogan’s creative output doesn't absolve him from responsibility, it’s important to appreciate the scale and diversity of his work. It’s unrealistic to expect someone who produces such a vast amount of content to be flawless. His podcast spans a wide range of topics, from comedy to science to culture, and the occasional misstep should be weighed against the overall value he provides. The sheer volume and variety of content Rogan produces means that some mistakes are inevitable, but that doesn’t necessarily diminish the value of his contributions as a whole.

In conclusion, while the original counterarguments highlight valid concerns, there are also strong reasons to appreciate Joe Rogan’s approach. His open-mindedness, willingness to explore diverse viewpoints, and encouragement for listeners to think critically play a valuable role in modern discourse, even if he occasionally stumbles along the way."

Pretty cool.

[Sincerity]

I don't feel there's any hope for me anymore. I'm destined to suffer, out of my own choice. 

I can't change for SHIT. Stuck in an internal war for ~8 fucking months. A monkey would have learned better by now. Fuck me. I'll be a heart on a string my whole life. Every once in a while after I feel like I've made some progress (understanding myself better, becoming conscious of energies/dynamics in the mind) a new wave of TIREDNESS, NUMBNESS AND HOPELESSNESS hits me shortly after. I just DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE! EVERY FUCKING TIME! I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE! I'D BE BETTER OF DRUGGING MYSELF OF DEATH. I GAVE UP PSYCHEDELICS A YEAR AGO BECAUSE I HAD FAITH I'D BE ABLE TO HANDLE MY MIND AND HAVE A GOOD LIFE WITHOUT THEM. I HAD FUCKING FAITH! BUT I WAS MISTAKEN. I HATE EVERYTHING AND IF I HAD THE POWER I WOULD FUCKING DESTROY EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. I DREAM ABOUT KILLING THE INTRUDERS IN MY MIND. I WANT TO KILL TO BE FUCKING LEFT ALONE AND FINALLY FIND PEACE. I DREAM OF STABBING MYSELF TO FINALLY FIND SILENCE. FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STABBING MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sincerity]

Some day I will ERASE EVERYTHING from this stupid account. I have the power. That day will come.

So fucking pointless...