Expression of Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I had such a great day today.  

I woke up early, meditated, studied for 3 hours, read a book, spent time with my family and ate sushi, went out for a solitary bike ride, visited one of My favourite cafes and wrote in My notebook for 2 hours, went for a really nice walk... listened to some music, laid on the grass, watched the sunset. A dream come true. Must have been my second best birthday.

My family made Me feel really loved today. Besides all the standard birthday wishes each of them told Me 3 specific things they appreciated about Me. It was so sweet... So nice to hear something like this. The one that had the biggest impact on Me I think was My dad saying I'm probably the most mature of them all. Imagine hearing this from your father lol. Saying it couldn't have been easy for him and I respect that a lot - it's evidence of HIS maturity. Also, My mom and sister agreed. I won't go into detail why they think so, there's too much to say there. 

I made Myself feel loved too. I wished Myself happy birthday (in long written form) and told Myself I love You. I wrote out 10 specific things I appreciate about Myself. I realized nobody knows Me better than Me because the things I most appreciate about Myself people just don't notice. Of course I don't blame them and I don't need them to. I also realized I don't know anyone else better than they know themselves. It's humbling when You think about it.

It's thrilling for Me to think that I know Myself best. Well, it's not much, but still.  I'm like My own beautiful secret! How cool is that.

Privacy / intimacy with Myself is something I've really started to value lately. I LOVE that I don't have to share some of Myself with "anyone else". I can just keep Myself to Myself if I want. I can have My private notes and thoughts that no one else will ever know.

Another way to say it is I'm exploring further levels of being comfortable with solitude.

And anytime I wanna talk... I can just talk to Myself. To the man in Me as Her or the other way around. I love it haha.

Speaking of, today I noticed that it's much more authentic for Me to speak as Her to Him instead of as Him to Her. I mean I identify with Him most of the time but when I start talking to Myself it feels natural for Me to speak as the woman to this man doing various things in My life for Me.

Oh and also obviously neither the man nor the woman are what I am really. Or the thoughts, the body or any of these appearances.

Words can't describe Me.

Edited May 30, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Some of my fav songs from a year ago. I especially love singing the first two when I'm out on a walk.

If there's something to be learned from all these losers
It's that the price that you pay
For arrogance and a false sense of immunity
Is to face the wrath of a dying star. 

[Sincerity]

Woke up early, studied for 3,5 hours... out of love for Myself.

My friends from college invited me over to a grill party and sang me happy birthday, gave me presents... we had a lovely time talking, eating and playing games and I'm so so thankful to have such people in my life.  I feel really blessed.

Then I went to my dancing classes and had a great time there too. I went back home on foot, thinking about my life and being grateful for the people in it.

And now I'm chilling. Yawnnn I'm so tired. And I still wanna meditate and read a bit.

I had weird emotional nightmares today and didn't get much sleep. Yawnnn ok I really have to go.

I will be limiting my time on the forum cuz more and more I feel like I'm wasting time here. I love this community, I love moderating it, I want it to prosper, I like expressing Myself here, I love interacting with certain people and reading their posts... but yeah the forum is a big distraction. And I can't let it draw Me away from what's most important to Me in life.

A little more action please...

[Sincerity]

I love this movie so damn much lol.

Puss in Boots: The Last Wish fucking slaps.

And I don't mean it metaphorically or rhetorically or poetically or theoretically or in any other fancy way. It slaps. Straight up.

Reveal the tab below for spoiler content.

 

 

(If You're interested in the spoiler tag functionality, see this post)

I don't remember ever crying so much on a movie. I watched it 5 months ago and it almost retriggered my panic attacks associated with fear of dying. The titular cat actually had a panic attack in the film and it's very well portraited. After the movie I went to the bathroom and had a literal breakdown lol.

"And you didn't value any of them."

It's unironically perfect. It had no fucking right to be so great but there it is. A puss in boots sequel haha. Everyone who watched it will tell You it rocks.

Tomorrow I'm gonna go see Spiderman: Across the Multiverse because I heard it's amazing too.

I don't usually watch superhero movies... with their shallowness and dumb one-liners and all. But SOME of these movies are so so beautiful and they're my favourite things to come back to, especially when I want that sweet inspiration. I love to watch a complex character overcome their struggles... add breathtaking visuals to that and I'm in.

Edited June 1, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I'm thankful to be featured here. 

Honestly I don't think the report is that good but You know, if some other folks like it...

That MDMA trip feels so distant too. And yet it was only 4 months ago... time moves really slow for Me haha.

My recents LSD trips have been way way deeper than that. Also I have a feeling that what I wrote is not really what happened. I painted a story with words but the experience really was soft, indescribable and profound... and my story just isn't it. That's why I kinda cringe at the idea of rereading it.

In fact right now I feel this way about all my previous trip reports. They're all bs. Even my memories of these trips are bs. Nothing compares to present experience and I think it's dumb to dwell in the past. Even though of course I'll most likely make this mistake a million more times haha.

I didn't write trip reports from my previous two trips because it's useless. Well, at least I made that one recording I shared but it was just the beginning of the trip and yeah... Still doesn't convey quack.

Focusing on experience has been magical lately. I really don't know... I just don't know. I've been afraid of it, feeling stupid because of it, feeling sad, angry, guilty, joyful... And I still don't know. What do I do about it? I don't know. Do I have to do anything? I don't know. Can't I just accept it? I dunno. It is what it is and I'll admit it's pretty damn beautiful if I'm honest. But being honest is hard haha.

[Sincerity]

I miss Home, man.

I'm Hallucinating.

[Sincerity]

Sooner or later I'll be back though.

For sure. 

[Sincerity]

On 6/11/2023 at 2:16 AM, Sincerity said:

I miss Home, man.

I'm Hallucinating.

I love that Hallucinating song haha. 

Talking to myself in a loving manner is becoming the norm. I feel really loved by myself.  I'm there for Me at last and it feels good.

I've been expressing a lot of anger recently. Three days ago I was tripping and at some point a lot of anger arose in Me and I started screaming into a pillow so hard my throat hurt - FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did that like 4 times and proceeded with the trip lol.

I've been angry with myself for many reasons. Not knowing what I am, disappointing myself, lying, ignoring important aspects of My life. Crafting a detailed suicide plan one month ago when I was at my lowest. Fuck. The last one stings the most. I mean not so much anymore I think because I expressed a lot of the anger already (working through it step by step everyday) and tried to forgive myself but yeah. It may still be lingering there, idk.

I wanted to share this for the sake of honesty. Now I'm feeling better, cleaner, happier. I'm more motivated from a place of love. I'm being more expressive with people, genuine, peaceful. Things are looking brighter.

I'm reading Radical Honesty right now. I love the book, read over half of it so far. It's inspiring Me to express my emotions (especially anger) openly with others and not lie about shit. Like I'm lying to my family about my psychedelic use, forum use, all that stuff. I won't expose everything all at once but I'll do it in small steps. First I'll tell the truth to my sister. Next to my mom. Next to my dad. Baby steps + I'll do it wisely. I'll certainly practice these conversations first in my mind.

It'd be nice if I lived up to my name, right? Because so far I've been Insincerity in so many ways, I feel. Fuck that, man. I wanna be Love itself.

Edited June 12, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

F a l l .

You are alone, Child. There is only darkness for You and only death for your people.
These ancients are just the beginning. I will command a great and terrible army and we will sail through a billion worlds. We will sail until every light has been extinguished.

You are strong, Child. But I am beyond strength.
I am The End. And I have come for You, Finn!

Ngl, I'd love to have the power of bringing people to their knees with one word. 

The line "I am the end and I have come for you" puts the fear of God into me lol. The Lich is awesome.

I know it's silly fantasies, I'm just having fun posting this. Every once in a while I think about the show with great fondness. I love Adventure Time.

[Sincerity]

Logan, one of the movies I could watch anytime and be interested.

I've hurt people too.

You'll have to learn how to live with that.

They were bad people.

All the same.

[Sincerity]

Cute little things. I'm no better than any of 'em.

All one big mirror maze. ?

In Mexico it is believed that if two mirrors are put in front of each other, it acts as a threshold for the devil. Oh humans, hahahaha. 

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the wokest of them all...

Edited June 16, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

"I got bored one day. And I put everything on a bagel. Everything."

"Cause You see, when You really put everything on a bagel it becomes this... the Truth."

"Nothing matters."

I love how she says it, kudos to the actress. Also the music is amazing, the scene wouldn't be nearly as powerful without it.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Weird stuff is happening. I'm not even keeping track, really. And I don't feel like elaborating. Pointless, pointless tricks and ego games. I feel like I'm being less me lately. I don't feel much about it. I feel empty but not in a "bad" way.

I don't know. Who am I to judge?

Edited June 27, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

♥¸.•**◦༄◦°˚°◦.¸¸彡彡 Shitposting 彡彡◦༄◦°˚°◦.¸¸◦°´ *•.¸♥

God, why can't some aliens take me on an adventure or whatever the fuck... my life so boring ?? I'd rather shoot lasers or smth.

God, why can't everyone just realize that I'm right and they're wrong... sighhh shaking my smh. ?

God, why can't everything just fall on my lap. God, You evil for making me work. ? You da monster.

God. why can't I always be motivated? Nooo God stop it's not me who's the problem. ? Stopppp.

God, why can't You just awaken me and make it stay that way? I wanna be awake! I want everything to be effortless, I want deep love in my life and be radically conscious all the time... God, why You no fulfill my wishes. ? You against me after all... Oh hell nah...

God, why bother? What's the point? And if there's no point... then what is the point? God, You're killing me man, You're killing me...

Edited June 27, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I'm going through a hard time. Well, actually I have been for months now. With brief windows of relief here and there. Yes, some weeks have been good, but overall I am struggling and I don't even know what to say about it anymore. I've cursed myself and everything else so much that I feel like I've ran out of insults and hatred to throw. I mean, that's probably not true - there seems to always fucking be more. But I feel so empty, like there's no one to save me here and it's a BAD FEELING. A feeling of "I don't have it in me to fix it". I feel like I am gone - not my ego, it's still here - my god damn executive function. Like there's SOMEONE lost in this experience, SOMEONE who would take control, SOMEONE who would fix this ugly mess.

I can't even describe how bad it's been at times. If I told my friends about it I'd land in a fucking psychiatric hospital. I'm just fucking TIRED, and yet at the same time it's not true because if I really was tired, I would cease this non-stop childish motherfucking drama. The mere fact that I'm in this fucking struggle is evidence that I do indeed want it. And I fucking hate it.

I fucking hate everything. See, I knew there will be more of that hatred, haha. I just don't know, I'm afraid all the time, I just CAN'T FUCKING LIVE. I don't function properly, I am FUCKED. Unless I distract myself with something, I'm a dark hole of negativity and hatred. No one will ever say to me more insulting things than those which I said to myself. I have fucking berated myself to the ground across the last few months. I can't honestly say one good thing about me now.

Well, that's another useless post which doesn't paint the full picture. Glad I wrote that. I fucking hate myself.

[Sincerity]

And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
Closer I am to fine
Closer I am to fine

[Something Funny]

@Sincerity wow, I didn't realize that you are from Poland,  so cool 

[Sincerity]

I'd let Margot Robbie step on me.

[Sincerity]

Ana de Armas too. And Gal Gadot.

They're soooo cute. 

[Sincerity]

Today I went to therapy for the first time.  Quite a big step for me. I'm actually glad.

I'll happily work further with the guy because I think he understood what I'm dealing with. He was very chill and nice, asked good questions and listened well. Also he's a buddhist AND he even seems to understand psychedelics!! God damn, did I hit the jackpot??

[Sincerity]

Things are looking brighter. I've gone through a lot of suffering in the last months, but at least now I can finally see the light. I had to go through everything I did to learn my lessons. And to start believing in MYSELF more.

I'm going on a short trip with my college friends in a week. I'm sure it's gonna be fun. In a week and a half I have my next therapy session. Looking forward to talking with the dude. And right now I'm looking for a job and sending applications.

I feel really good and empowered. I will deal with any obstacles and eventually come out on top, as always.

Edited August 11, 2023 by Sincerity