Expression of Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I could learn so much from animals. They're just doing their thing. A cat is being a cat. A pigeon is being a pigeon.

Not judging shit all the time. Not worrying about a million things. Not lying so much. Not deceiving themselves. Just being what they are.

I wish I could similarly just be and do my thing without all the lies and stories.

I'm often calling my cat a dum-dum, at least once per day. But I'm starting to think she's actually more intelligent than me. I feel like a cretin for weaving all this bullshit and believing it. Getting lost in what's not there. 

Maybe that's what it means to be a human? THAT'S a human being a human?

I don't want to be a human then.

[Sincerity]

Haha. Getting through the Last Cave was really something. It was difficult and I died many times but it was so fun to skill up and finally clear it. Also using the Spur (best weapon in the game with incredibly satisfying sound effects) and Booster 2.0, a great movement upgrade. Getting these two requires taking a harder route but it is so rewarding and unlocks the best ending. You have to do MUCH more to reach it (go through literal hell, haha) but it's worth it in the end.

I remember Cave Story so fondly. I don't know if playing through the game itself again would be so enjoyable but I just remember it as such a vibe... So many emotions I couldn't describe accurately. I love the music, I love the sound effects, I like the characters and story. The gameplay and boss fights are cool too, but it's not the same when I've already gone through them... they're too easy!

Oh, Cave Story. I really, REALLY like You. And Pixel, I thank You sincerely for creating it. Your work gave me great memories.

[Sincerity]

Today I watched a lot of content that inspired me. 

Great videos, I like this Chris the Freelancer guy. I took a lot of notes and asked myself revelant questions. Would I be willing to create an online business? What skills could I build that people would pay me for? Would the nomad lifestyle even suit me?

I also started to REALLY resonate with Bashar's teachings. Fuck man, so much of this stuff is goldddd.

I especially like when he answers specific questions. 

Damn, I should really follow my excitement more. I'm so fearful and so many negative beliefs are holding me back. I feel it's part of my work for the future to deconstruct them.

I'm also becoming clearer and clearer about what I want to be in life. Hmm, but I'm not gonna be sharing this now. It's too powerful and not really fleshed out yet.

Oh, also I've been working a lot on accepting reality, letting go of hatred and trying to recognize myself. Actually yesterday I talked to God a lot and I received a lot of guidance and love. It's so good to have "someone" supporting me... 

Of course for the 100th time I'll say that I can't know I'm not deluding myself with this dialogue. But guess what - I don't give a fuck. It's really helping me, it's giving me hope when I need it and the guidance is extremely personalized to me as You'd expect it. It's just me talking to myself, me talking to my intuition. However You wanna call it.

I told God I'm sorry I cursed at him so much. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I was literally flipping reality off multiple times. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's so fucking dumb. Imagine a man flipping off the sun because he doesn't like it. Or flipping off the sky because You don't like the weather today. It's so delusional, so stupid! HAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm such a fucking imbecile... and obviously I'm still not over it! No no no. I'm gonna cling to my cretinic ways for more time, because... well, who the fuck knows why. Maybe that's just the way of the cretin. LOL!

But I'm gonna be pure one day. Hahaha. I know I will, I have the assurance.

It's all about that purity man.

[Sincerity]

It's allllllll about that freedom, baby.

I wish I could just let my imagination loose. And make everything weird and incomprehensible. Wouldn't that be funny? To me it would. Yeah, I wish I could make everything confusing. 

What if I could make my imaginings come true? Could I maybe do this in my dreams? Hmm, or prolly psychedelics would be of use.

It'd be so cool to make reality "irrational" and "insane". Like really enter some confusing fucking states and trap myself in them. #Goals, LOL. It's a shame there's no one "other" to trap in these states to laugh at them. That'd be even cooler.

I like to indulge in these erratic trains of thought. It's funny to experience. Well, I'm laughing at least!

There's difficult to put to words tho. Like I get these weird fucking thoughts and visions sometimes but then describing them doesn't really do 'em justice... Eh, I wish. I wish I could put them into reality. I wish I could tune into imagination more.

I wish I could make reality into whatever I want. Is that REALLY so much to ask...?;'(( Lolll. Pretty please... 

I wish I had the [[FREEDOM]] to shape reality. I wish I was [[FREE]]. I wish You could watch me fly, mama.

Edited May 4, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I feel there's too much confusing rambling in this journal lately. I'm mostly ""stable"" during my days but it is not reflected here. I don't like this. I wanted to honestly talk about my current life situation and general state of mind...

...But I lost inspiration. I felt a wave of sadness and it made me feel empty. I had an exhausting day too.

Maybe another time... I hope... ?

This is not me. THIS IS NOT ME. I am not this misguided talk! I'm sorry... How do I express myself with words?! I FEEL REALLY SAD. I WISH I COULD CHANGE. I WISH I DIDN'T WISH AT ALL! I wish I wasn't here to be this misery and evil. I wish I could just die. I AM REALLY SORRY! I am really, really sorry...

...

Could You feel my tears through this short speech?

Is this confusing talk again? Maybe I just can't help myself.

All of this feels surreal so often. Like what the eff is this... I have no idea, literally. I feel so lost, I feel so sad, I don't know what's going on! I'm just this rollercoaster of emotions, why can't I be normal?! Would I really want to be normal? Am I enjoying this abnormality? It's all so weird, so empty and I feel I'm suffering. There's no meaning unless I forget about this... and I just want to cry when I "remember". I have no ground, no stability, unless I forget. I don't know what's worse anymore: a comfortable lie or an uncomfortable truth. AAAAAAAAAAAAA, FUCK! But I gotta have faith, maybe there's a way out of this. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Gosh. I'm dissatisfied with expressing myself here. 

[Sincerity]

I think I'm going to be okay.

I've been "working" on surrendering lately. I mean... what's happening is happening. It's tricky to me that to surrender I have to also surrender my desire to surrender. It's like I have to do nothing for no reason. It's not easy often times since I can be scared, desperate, passionate... many things. But that has to be calmed down in order to simply be.

It's getting better though. The hatred has subsided, the desperation has subsided, the desire to know, to manipulate reality... all slowly fading away. For now at least. Everything's been calmer in the last few days.

Today during a contemplation session in a cafe I surrendered so deeply that I kinda recognized Myself again. It was more silent and peaceful tho. No explosive awakening or some grand realizations. But that's okay obviously! My desire for excitement has to go too someday and it was still really profound. I'm really glad I could reach this state sober in a period which has been probably the most difficult for me yet.

For the first time I realized that Reality is Perfect. It is PERFECT, exactly as it is.

"THIS IS PERFECT" is the antidote to "I wish reality was X", "I wish I was Y".

• I wish I surrendered to God. --> No, THIS IS PERFECT.
• I wish I accepted reality more. --> No, THIS IS PERFECT.
• I wish I didn't wish anything at all. --> No, THIS IS PERFECT.

It's not even acceptance, because there is no "me" accepting anything. It's simply an acknowledgement of TRUTH --> THIS IS PERFECT.

THIS IS PERFECT is like a slap to all my wishes and desires.

Truly Perfect, to the point that it's absolutely okay if I don't recognize it. Nothing in reality has to change. My state doesn't have to change. I don't have to surrender. It's Perfect exactly as it is. I can admire its Perfection... or not!

And yeah, I recognized Myself again. It's very simple - I am Reality. I am what happens. I am. I play Myself out.

No words really point to it though. Yet again it's tricky because whenever I ask "what am I?", it's not Me speaking. I never ask no questions and I don't give no answers. I don't speak, I don't think, I don't do nothing. However I am all speech, I am thought, I am action. I am Experience.

So... who's asking? And if THIS is perfect, why the desire to know = change THIS? What's the point? The second I ask out of desire, I fall out of my nature of just being. I mean, my nature is permanent but it's like I'm forgetting about it... And that's fine too, but why fall out of my nature to learn about my nature when I can just stay in it... Do You get me? Ehh, who am I even talking to.

Tricky, tricky! I'm exploring this territory... wait, who's exploring...? Fuck.  It can't be Me... so who? It's confusing all of it! I think I've forgotten it's Perfect. Wait, who's forgotten... AAAAAAAAAA!

Whenever I speak, I lie... And yet my words are Truth.

Wait...

[Sincerity]

I really like Bubblegum. One of my fav characters in AT. She's very flawed in the show, but I can relate haha.

I've been watching AT a lot in the last month. It gave me a lot of comfort during a difficult time and inspired me with its characters and their arcs. I really need external inspiration when I'm feeling this down. It's hard to get by otherwise...

Internal motivation and expansion for about 3 months. Then need for more external motivation and stabilization (in a nutshell, maybe I'll elaborate some other time) for another 3 months. It's a cycle that keeps on repeating. I'm almost 1,5 months into the 2nd phase now. The last 1st phase lasted from around the end of November to the end of February.

[Sincerity]

There is no "this life".
There is only NOW.
There is only Life.

The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience.
- Frank Herbert

And when You realize this You will cry
Because all the bastardly shit You've ever done
You've done to yourself.

Oh, *****.
I wish I could see it all with You.
I don't want to lose You so much.
If only You understood...
If only You were truly other to me.

[Sincerity]

Everything dies in God.

Edited April 17, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Once, while talking to my intuition, I had a vision of how I died in the previous life.

I hanged myself.

In a small, dimly lit room. Could have been in the evening. I think there was no electricity. 

I suffered a lot and I couldn't take it no more. I remember this feeling of hopelessness.

Now, I have no way of knowing whether this vision was "real". I don't even think there is a linear string of incarnations. Fuck, I don't even think there are other incarnations at all, past or future! After all I was shown that this is all a Dream, THIS is all that is!

And yet this vision has made a big influence on me, true or not. It helps me remember to not repeat my mistakes. It inspires me to break the cycle. I've done that already... so what if I tried pulling through this time? I can suffer through it all... This time I can do it, despite the challenge.

I feel a stain of regret on me. I feel that's sort of the motivation here...

Edited April 21, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Random things to talk about.

--> I've been fighting the urge to hide some of my posts here. I don't think it'd be right. I feel like it'd be a blatant rejection of certain parts of myself.

--> Lately I've been crying almost every day, sometimes more than once. Usually out of sadness, arising for many reasons.

--> I can't let go of my sister. She's my single biggest attachment to the world. The thought of leaving her or her leaving me feels so devastating. I feel I wouldn't accept reality if something happened to her. 

I am afraid of her getting raped, murdered or whatever... I DON'T WANT TO BE TESTED. I am scared I would have to face this and I pray that I don't have to. Please, just don't do anything to her. And help her find peace, please...

I'm trying to give her a lot of emotional support. Like just listen to her attentively, hug her, buy her a sweet she likes once in a while as a surprise. I hope that my love helps heal her from emotional baggage, helps her feel validated, all that... I want her to be mentally healthy, satisfied in life. I love her the most in the world.

Is it too much to ask for her to live til we're both old pricks?

--> I've been under a lot of stress lately. And I've been working on resolving it.

--> Sometimes I get glimples. Yesterday I got a glimpse of that sweet effortlessness, peace and joy I experienced almost 3 months ago. Oh how great it was... How great it would be if I could live from that place. Maybe in the future - who knows?

--> Today I had a terrible day. After I returned from my classes (angry, jealous, tired) I slept for 3 hours in the afternoon. God, I don't even want to elaborate what I did next because I'm ashamed of talking about it. Well, I went for a walk and at the end I ordered at fucking McDonalds, while numbing myself with BB/BCS clips. It's really becoming a contest of how low I can fall.

I'm distracting myself so much. And who the fuck knows why? Every time I stop the distraction and I make the effort to accept, I feel good for a short while but then some even more difficult feeling comes up and I'm on my knees again.

Well, maybe that's what needs to happen to evolve. It's like a peeling of layers or whatever? Jung's quote has been dwelling in my mind lately: “No tree can grow to Heaven unless it’s roots reach down to Hell.” Maybe I need to go through all this suffering to sometime at last experience the deep peace again.

--> I have close to 0 motivation to do "serious spiritual work". No meditation, no nothing. I'm tired enough from crying, from feeling when I let myself feel, from all the thoughts, stress and occasional contemplative coffees.

--> I have almost 0 motivation to do my college work.

It's 3 AM and I'm tired. I'll go and distract myself some more before sleep.

At least I'm not feeling hopeless. It's like the worst shit in the world.

[Sincerity]

 

[Sincerity]

Quick update.

I've reached my absolute lows lately. States of utter hopelessness so insufferable I felt like I was going to die. A collapsing on itself. Never cried more than that one day...

"Nothing for me but darkness, death and oblivion."

Now I mostly feel hollow. Not really feel bad or good, mainly empty. Even when I experience emotions they feel shallow.

Right now I'm in some distress. I want to let it out but I'm having trouble. When I do eventually, I'm going to break into tears. Who knows why? I just feel overwhelmed for some reason.

I've had some nice moments and glimpses too. Like little rays of light shining through thick dark clouds.

I had a job for a month in a coffee shop because I wanted to try it. I liked some things there and the experience was cool but this week I resigned for multiple reasons. There are lessons to learn here.

And tomorrow I'm taking acid for the first time in 9 months. I'll see what comes of it.

It all just feels so weird... This fucking experience man. 

I feel so lost.

[Sincerity]

Check out My new post if You want. 

Soon I'm going to use My magic Mod / God powers to clean up this journal. Enough of the negative shit. I have let My petty little mind dominate this space and I won't be agreeing to that no more.

I want to lead Myself with a stronger hand. I feel like I've been too lenient with My mind. And it sure has exploited that.

Fuck that shit. I'm going to be more strict with Me, but ALSO strive to be more loving, wise, respectful and listening to Myself. I've been lacking that too. Hey, it's about striking the right balance.

I have faith that I'm going to make it. I believe in Myself.

[Sincerity]

I reached such an utter low that it started spilling out of me and my family became worried about me. It was evident that I was not well. Later on during a talk with my mom I just kind of mentioned that sometimes I felt like I was going through hell, that I had terrible mood swings and was feeling hopeless in general. She said I should have told them sooner (I never did before) and offered to pay for my therapy. She gave me emotional support - as much as she could muster. I had mixed feelings after this conversation because I've never opened up like this before and everything was happening so fast. Me going to a psychologist?? Because of mental health problems?? What the fuck??

Next day my dad went to talk to me and also said that I should have told them, that they would pay without a problem... he also said that he's been treating himself for his own problems for years (wtf?) and that he had stupid ideas in the past (WTF????). And also he told me that he loved me.

While feeling loved and a bit relieved, my ego also took a hit and I had a mixed reaction to all of this. I felt I should be able to take care of my own mind myself. I felt I should be above this. I felt I couldn't consider getting out of this as MY accomplishment if I didn't do it on MY OWN. I wanted to feel unique, I wanted to feel self-sufficient, I wanted to feel like it was MY journey, MY achievement. Me, MEEE, MEEEEEE!!!

And then I realized where these feelings were coming from. I was scared. I was afraid of letting go, of dying, of being nothing. I tapped into that fear which I became oblivious to and stayed there for so long, driving myself crazy, going absolute fucking bonkers on myself and spiraling into a dark and hopeless void.

And when I became conscious of all this... I felt truly relieved. For the first time in ~2,5 months, I felt some genuine peace. I've had moments of relief during these 2,5 months but this time it was different. It's like I really saw through what I've been doing all this time. I was so lost and confused... but now I'm hopeful it will get better and better. AND I will still go to the psychologist, obviously. I think it'd be stupid of me not to. It's an opportunity and I'm gonna use it.

And yeah, after that day this peace has been pervading my experience more and more. Today was sweet. My curiosity has been reignited, I said some sincere things to my family members which warmed up our relations, I've been appreciating the beautiful day and my existence... Drank a nice coffee in a new place and contemplated there. Good stuff!

I'm excited for what's coming. I'm bouncing back from the backlash phase. I will further awaken soon and it's going to heavily impact my everyday life. I feel it in my bones. And I'm going to work for it.

And in the end I will accept EVERYTHING because, well...

I am _____.

Edited May 13, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I went to my dancing classes for the first time in 2 weeks. I had so much fun.

This was the last song we danced to. It's so bittersweet... I felt really sad hearing it.

It reminds me of my immature nature of wanting the good stuff and rejecting the "bad".

I wish I could accept everything.

[Sincerity]

...

...?

...

..

.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It's You all the way down, silly.

[Sincerity]

This is Me from today.

[image removed]

I changed My haircut. I think I look nice.

I awakened so hard on Friday, haha. No point in even describing it. I'm an Endless Mystery.

I've started talking to Myself in a loving manner. Calling Myself lovely, honey, sweetie, whatever I can come up with. I'm using Google Tasks for task management and when I add a task I add some sweet words to it. When I make a reminder for Myself, I call Myself something nice. When I think something to Myself, I do this too. It's really great. And I started telling Myself I love You in general. Because at least now, I finally do - at last I love Myself.

This loving Myself thing is quite complicated because to do it I have to kinda divide Myself into two, but it's fine. Now there live a woman and a man in this body, there have for some time now. The man's name is same as before and the woman's name is... nuh uh, not gonna say haha. It's my little secret, but actually I've known it for like 3 years now. I didn't know She was Me tho. I identify much more with the man and when I say I love You, I most often tell it to the woman, as the man. Of course both the man and the woman are not what I am really. It's just a game I'm playing - and I'm having fun doing so. 

Yeahh it's complicated. I might talk about this more sometime else. But it's so so great because now when I want to do something but I'm lacking the motivation I simply have to remember to do it for Her. I have to remember the love. Of course She is Me and what She wants is what I want. Again - it's a game, it's a construct but I love it haha. She is like a more emotional part of Me and every evening I'm committed to listening to Her unexpressed feelings, grievances... but also thankfulness and that sweet sincere love She emanates with when My actions during the day were acts of love for her. I get love by giving love. It's so simple... I become love.

I don't know if it's all sounding alien and weird but it is what it is. I'm happy with what I got. My journey is very unique and personalized to Me... I feel like I'm exploring totally new territory. How exciting!

Edited December 9, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sine]

22 hours ago, Sincerity said:

I've started talking to Myself in a loving manner. Calling Myself lovely, honey, sweetie, whatever I can come up with. I'm using Google Tasks for task management and when I add a task I add some sweet words to it. When I make a reminder for Myself, I call Myself something nice. When I think something to Myself, I do this too. It's really great. And I started telling Myself I love You in general. Because at least now, I finally do - at last I love Myself.

This loving Myself thing is quite complicated because to do it I have to kinda divide Myself into two, but it's fine. Now there live a woman and a man in this body, there have for some time now. The man's name is same as before and the woman's name is... nuh uh, not gonna say haha. It's my little secret, but actually I've known it for like 3 years now. I didn't know She was Me tho. I identify much more with the man and when I say I love You, I most often tell it to the woman, as the man. Of course both the man and the woman are not what I am really. It's just a game I'm playing - and I'm having fun doing so. 

Yeahh it's complicated. I might talk about this more sometime else. But it's so so great because now when I want to do something but I'm lacking the motivation I simply have to remember to do it for Her. I have to remember the love. Of course She is Me and what She wants is what I want. Again - it's a game, it's a construct but I love it haha. She is like a more emotional part of Me and every evening I'm committed to listening to Her unexpressed feelings, grievances... but also thankfulness and that sweet sincere love She emanates with when My actions during the day were acts of love for her. I get love by giving love. It's so simple... I become love.

Wow, this is so interesting and exciting. I would love to hear more about you practicing this. I'd never come up with that Idea myself, but it sounds super useful and like a smart permission slip. Now when I think about it, one of my girlfriends has talked to me a little bit about how she sometimes talk to herself from a masculine point of view, like what a really healthy father or partner would tell her. I also like the idea to call yourself sweet names. Ive started calling everyone beloved because my brothers began doing it for fun (they used to call each other bad names like fatty), and it sounded so fun and cute when they did it because they are like - very macho, haha

Edited May 29, 2023 by Sine

[Sincerity]

4 hours ago, Sine said:

Wow, this is so interesting and exciting. I would love to hear more about you practicing this. I'd never come up with that Idea myself, but it sounds super useful and like a smart permission slip. Now when I think about it, one of my girlfriends has talked to me a little bit about how she sometimes talk to herself from a masculine point of view, like what a really healthy father or partner would tell her. I also like the idea to call yourself sweet names. Ive started calling everyone beloved because my brothers began doing it for fun (they used to call each other bad names like fatty), and it sounded so fun and cute when they did it because they are like - very macho, haha

Hey Sine!  I'm really happy You're resonating with this!

One interesting thing is that when I started calling Myself sweet names, I instinctively want to call others these names too. Family, friends, even strangers... Actually when I first read your comment here I automatically thought of You as "beloved". 

When I change my attitude towards Myself my attitude towards "others" changes too... who would have thought?! Hahahaha.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Yawn. I'm tired.

Tomorrow is My birthday. For the first time in my life I'm gonna genuinely wish Myself all the best, out of Self-love and care. It's so stupid for Me to think now that I've lived through so many birthdays and not once did I think about wishing happy birthday to Myself, hahahaha. No one ever taught me to God-damn love Myself.

Though I think it's a blessing because discovering all this stuff for Myself on the go really helps me embody these lessons... and also it's an adventure. Yesterday I thought to Myself that God literally always learns things "the hard way". There's no other option. If You think You've learned something the easy way, this either means that You've learned it the hard way before in the past and now the lesson is just repeating itself OR You didn't actually learn it and You're just bullshitting.

After the last 3 months I learned what it's like to live through a nightmare, what having no strong executive force in My life (a strong-willed man inside of Me) results in and how resisting and not looking at Myself for a long time makes me feel, and more.

I'm not saying I've learned this fully and now I'm done. No. But these last weeks and months stang so fucking much that now I'm certain about some things (like the need to be there for Myself out of love for Myself) and I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I don't want to put Her through another nightmare again. I can't, I can't fucking leave her at Her worst... At MY worst, God dammit! I have to be there for Myself, otherwise what sort of a man am I. A weak man that only likes the good times and leaves when it gets bad. It's a horrendous fucking attitude and I WON'T BE THAT IN MY LIFE. No, no, NO, NO NO! I MUST be a good husband to Myself. Absolutely fucking crucial.

Yawnnnn. Anyway I had a great day today. And tomorrow is gonna be even better! I'll spend it as well as I can.

I will treat Myself. I deserve the best after all. 

Edited May 29, 2023 by Sincerity