Expression of Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I'm feeling a bit down.

...

Well, it happens!

Isn't it interesting? The moment I notice my state, I'm instantly freed from its spell (to a degree, at least). 

Presence is awakening! Who would have thought. 

What a beautiful song. The God in me is singing it.

Don't YOU want to be free?

Edited February 15, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Look at this beauty standing on my desk.

On Saturday I went to a cafe (contemplated there for 4 hours) and there were tulips placed on every other table. I stared at my tulip a lot. People were looking at me weirdly. I was touching it gently, smelling it every once in a while, taking the entire jug and looking at it closely. I can't believe I forgot how much I love flowers... 

So today I went and bought myself a tulip. I adore this little guy.  I also bought my mom three, since it was Valentine's Day. (We're home alone for the week)

Ahh, Valentine's Day. They day of love or whatever. Shouldn't every day be that?

I've finished writing a report of all awakenings from the past 2 weeks. It's 20 pages long and I'm really content with it. I'm not sharing it - or at least not planning to right now. What I especially noticed is how strongly I've forgotten the Love... It's so distant now! Just 2 weeks ago I was Loving every stranger I saw Unconditionally. It was inhuman levels of Love. Literally fucking saintly. And now... Now I don't remember it.

I'm still in a fairly high state. But I'm not recognizing Myself anymore and I am not Unconditionally Loving. This is my truth of the moment.

And I'm okay with that. As I've said multiple times before, I want to accept NOW as much as I possibly can. There is nothing wrong about the state I'm in right now. I love it. 

I want to love the NOW so much I wouldn't change it for anything other. This would mean that I wouldn't change this current state even for Unconditional Love, because I love what is NOW absolutely.

Isn't this exactly how God is?

...

I want to be like Him...

Edited February 15, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I'm forgetting more and more with each day. I know it's natural, it's like the exhale part of the breath while the period of growth and expansion is the inhale. I see that I can focus on different things in this autopilot state that I'm starting to feel attracted to currently and I'm excited by that.

Also I can't wait to see what the future brings. How am I going to feel when the inhale part comes back again in like 4 months or so? What is the state going to be like?

And yet it hurts me a bit that I don't remember anymore. Yes, it hurts. I am being honest.

From a "lower" state like this things are harder to accept. I'm still attempting it of course, that's what I feel like my work is about. And that's what I care about in life. But man... I don't know, I'm just sad right now. There's something beautiful in this too... ?

I have a lot of insights about how this entire cycle works, why it is the way it is, what the value of this exhale/autopilot/conservatism phase is. But I'll mention it some other time maybe. I had a GREAT day today... and I'm tired.

Please forgive me for whatever I do.. when I don't remember You... ??

[Sincerity]

Lately I've been dealing with interesting thoughts.

"I wanna burn myself to the ground. I want there to be nothing left of me."

"I've been thinking about my endgame in life. How about I go fight in the war that I think might be coming? Until now I've always thought that in case of war, I'm gonna run away with my family to Germany. But now I think to myself... well, why not fight in the war? I'm gonna learn a lot about life and if I die, then fucking what? It doesn't matter anyway after all! I CAN DO ANYTHING!"

"I'm gonna learn a lot of money til I'm about 40 and then buy a cabin in the woods near a lake (somewhere relatively close to a small town, but also secluded) and do 5-MeO, salvia and all that stuff there so that I break myself completely. Effectively I would go for my death."

"I want to get punched in the face someday. I want to go fight in the war. I want to go to jail and get raped there."

"What if I could transcend this "realm" and live an entirely different existence? What if I could go beyond all these limitations by becoming ultra conscious? Nobody is gonna tell me about this possibility because I'm all there fucking is. "They" wouldn't fucking know. What if I could become SO CONSCIOUS that limits are no longer imagined & I really TRANSCEND all of this?"

"As God, I can literally experience ANYTHING. Couldn't I go beyond to a "higher plane" with absurd consciousness? Couldn't I be an Angel, for example? I want to be an Angel."

Right now I'm in a calmer state and so I can't express these with the same "craziness", really... But also I've got some notes from when I really was in a somewhat unhinged state and here are some of them...

"Fuck safety precautions. Stop pretending you are wise and cautious and admit you are scared like a baby. You are completely full of shit, you are not serious, you are just procrastinating on the overcoming of fear. YOU COULD KNOW RIGHT NOW! It doesn't matter what they fucking say. Everyone telling you nooo don't kill yourself, don't do it etc. etc. They are fucking scared, is all."

"I'm gonna stab you to death when you're not around. I'm gonna fucking stab you, you roach. You are pathetic. You are this scared little shit frightened of losing your precious mod position and account on the forum. You are scared of challenging people. You are scared of leaving it all. Fucking look at yourself, you're disgusting. You could be overcoming fear right now but no, you're attached to these animals chattering about shit. PEOPLE ARE ANIMALS PLAYING THEIR GAMES. THEY KNOW NOTHING! And even though they're bullshitters, you're still siding with them. That makes you a bullshitter."

"You are a coward and a fool. You are worthless. Just fucking die already."

I've been having this inner talk for some time now. Today it's gotten stronger, I became more conscious of it and dug into what's behind it. More on that in a bit. For now, here's my response to myself. I find that it's really useful to split myself in half sometimes and engage in dialogue. One side is this unhinged, angry passion and the other side is calm and reasonable wisdom, let's say,

You were supposed to surrender to God, instead of growing your egoic passion and will. Look at what You're doing. This is the opposite of surrender and I'd suggest this is being a devil.

Do You honestly think a "highly conscious" being would see "others" as "animals"? Only "animals" see "animals", to use your logic. Be careful, because You are on a path to devilry and falsehood.

If You surrendered yourself to Intuition, all would be okay. You don't need to enact your will on the world. Have You forgotten that? You can simply BE and be aligned with God in this way. This would (most likely) be the greatest existence.

Don't abuse the power You've learned. Fearlessness can go into your head. It's NOT spiritual work to go commit crime intentionally and go to jail. Or go fight in a war for some reason. Don't prove things to yourself. Don't do unreasonable shit. Of course nothing matters, but that's no excuse to act in an unhinged way! Seriously, notice how it's all gotten to your head, please! Examine your motivations! Living aligned with Intuition will be far better than acting on these egoic drives. Can't You see that You've become bitter? Yeah, You can still appreciate the beauty of reality and all that, but there's also anger involved and I'd say it's coming from an untrue place.

Being reasonable isn't any truer than being unreasonable... but also it kind of is. Please, don't fall off the path. You've come so far.

Notes and insights. I am the devil.

I feel like today the devil was speaking through me. And I've got some deeper insight into what the devil even is.

See, the devil is me. I am the devil.

THE DEVIL IS PERFECTLY DISGUISED AS ME. It's fucking brilliant. It's perfect! There is no guy with a pitchfork out there, there is no outside evil, there is ME! The disguise is so good because it is infinitely customized to me. It's designed so intelligently it's unimaginable, truly the work of a genius.

I use all of my emotional points, charged memories and thoughts filled with meaning to stay "alive". Whatever I find meaning in I utilize to keep myself here. I find I do this very much through interpreting the stories and motifs in my favourite video games, TV shows and movies. Also obviously my memories from interacting with people and all that.

One of the most intelligent aspects of devilry is that I will use all my "knowledge" of God, memories from awakenings and interpretations of them to further build my card castle... BUT IN A MUCH MORE SUBTLE WAY. It's so fucking subtle! Amazing. It should have been obvious to me, but the devil will TWIST the truth into devilry and falsehood... and the rhetoric may still include words like God, Love and all that!

Devilry also gets more difficult to distinguish when I am still able to access some higher states in spite of it. I can be mesmerized by the beauty of the world & highly conscious... and later the same day have thoughts like "I wanna go fight in the war and be shot in the face". And then be in a peaceful state again. It's tricky. These thoughts can be perceived as "truthful" because I'm not really feeling any "negative consequences". With some of these thoughts there's anger involved, but it doesn't really feel bad tho. I thought that maybe that it's righteous anger and thus it's okay... ehh, I don't know.

All of this is tricky territory and I'm learning to navigate it on the go. I especially want to make sure that I don't fall into a dark path - that'd be a bit of a shame. I can do so much more.

Or maybe someday "I" could do nothing at all...

Why should we care for what they're selling us anyway...?

Edited February 25, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Once again I've awakened.

No one will hear me... Even I won't hear me. Cause there is no "me".

* But nobody came.

I am so empty. My Dream is all these is... It's nothing, it's beautiful, it's meaningless.  It IS what it IS.

I am the Dreamer that doesn't exist, just Dreaming of what I am...

A Dream of My Infinite Potential. A REALIZATION of It. Infinite Potential Actualized through Dreaming.

I'm feeling sad. I don't even know why, but that's what IS right now.

I just want to cry... 

But I have to contemplate further or I wouldn't be "myself". Fuck.

Edited February 26, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Life update

Right now I have a clear head so let's write a small life update. 

I feel good. I'm mostly optimistic about the future. Today is a one month anniversary of an awakening that had an enormous impact on my life. It's been great... and I'm very grateful for all of it.

But I feel like I have to rest a bit now. That's what Intuition is telling me. I want to DO more in the world, get lost in activities, be inspired by external stuff. I want to take a break from awakening, from this venturing into what I am deeper and deeper (which I feel like has become an obsession) and just... chill. Do shit I care about, which I've neglected a bit because of contemplating and focusing on further awakening all the time.

I am going to be working in a very nice local cafe for at least the next 4 months (unless they fire me). Because I want to! I'm so excited by this, hahaha... It's gonna be fun. Besides that I'm still enrolled in college and I do other stuff that's meaningful to me like dancing and writing. And I'm not gonna completely stop contemplating/meditating - I will dedicate time for that, but less.

Recently I've felt like my depth is running out. I'm getting less inspired inwardly and more by external things. Well, that's just the cycle I'm in. In about 4 months I assume I will start reaching "levels" I've never even dreamed about... 

I noticed a pattern that after about 3-4 months of forgettance I go into 3-4 months of ever-deeper awakening. Well, over 3 months have passed since the start of my current "expansion" phase. On November 18th I thought of seriously killing myself and that was the crisis that woke me up from lethargy. If I didn't then do some serious deconstruction and contemplation... oh, well, I'm just glad I got that slap on the face because of which I moved my ass. A crisis is the greatest opportunity for change.

And now's the time for the "integration/forgettance" phase! It has a lot of beauty to it too. With each cycle I feel like I can handle it better. I can still remember to accept NOW... In fact I do this quite regularly and it always helps. (Thank You... ?) So I don't have to fret nothin'. 

Alright. I'll quickly mention what I've awakened to recently...

New awakening

I am God. God doesn't exist. I am nothing. I literally DON'T EXIST. To be God = to be not.

Reality is My Fantasy. I am Fantasizing about what I am. And even though I don't exist, I AM through Dreaming! My Fantasy is all that IS.

Nothing in this Fantasy matters. None of its content has anything in common with ME. No state, no awakening, no experience, no pointer is IT. It's all FANTASY! Nothing that happens in the Fantasy is related to Me... And yet the Fantasy is OF ME! I am completely NOTHING and all I do is Fantasize about what I am. The Fantasy is what I Imagine Myself to be.

Reality is a Fantasy of what I am. Reality is a Realization of My Infinite Potential. Reality is a Dream of no one at all. Reality is Infinite Imagination.

To Be = to Dream = to Fantasize = to Create = to Live. My only way of BEING is DREAMING. And Being = Dreaming, lol. So in short, I AM through BEING. I can BE even though there is no Me. And to BE is to BE exactly what IS. 

I am utterly nothing and I am Infinite. There is no other. My Dream is Ever-Lasting. And nothing I do in It makes any difference.

To conclude, it's all just Fantasy. Nothing matters and I love it... 

Take me over. ?

Edited February 28, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

https://www.actualized.org/insights/infinite-consciousness-gif

Hmm. I had barely any visuals in my trips. I always awakened with my normal field of vision. It's an interesting possibility that it could be otherwise and I could actually see and become an infinite singularity. That's what I love Leo for most I think - showing me possibilities. 

I could become the Pure Godhead? Damn. This post really inspires me.

I gotta try 5-MeO and all that shit in the future.

...

By the way, I love gifs. Here are a few cool ones I found today.

It's all Magic.

I am Love AND I am nothing.

Infinite Love.

This is how I often feel when walking around.

^ I find such freedom in this gif. It feels so refreshing... God, I just love Reality haha. 

Free will fucking rocks.

Edited March 1, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

A Cry Into the Void

I sense that RADICALLY different ways of being / comprehension / feeling, etc. are possible. Completely different from all this human stuff. Absolutely new “worlds”, “creatures”, “feelings” – Gosh, even these concepts are not necessarily absolute. NO CONCEPTS ARE! There doesn’t have to be suffering, pleasure, humans, planets, fear, idea of death, mind, thought, feeling, pointers such as God, Truth, Infinity, Love, Beauty. All of this is what’s HERE, but it wouldn’t have to be the case in an utterly new experience. And there must be an INFINITY of such new experiences!

Last week I set an intent to really go beyond all concepts and reach PURE BEING. I wanted to BE. But I just couldn’t overcome my limited way of perceiving the world and the awakening was framed in a human way. Words like “Dream”, “Fantasy”, “God”, “nothing”, “Being”. ALL OF THIS IS CONCEPTS! That which is being “pointed to” (foolishly) has nothing in common with any of these words and ways of understanding.

I am dissatisfied with all human teachings. Even Leo’s! Let’s take this pointer for example:

https://www.actualized.org/insights/actualized-quotes-004

This is based in concepts of morphing, a flamingo, sitting, a world, caring, being mad. And the cherry on top is the pointer “God”. It’s all human understanding. Another example:

https://www.actualized.org/insights/actualized-quotes-011

This is based in concepts like X not being Y, pointer “God”, realization, dream, “all” = everything, carefulness… do You see what I mean?

I don’t blame Leo for this of course. I find Leo to be a level above all other teachers anyway. I don’t blame the humans. It’s just that I feel slightly dissatisfied with everything…

I cannot formulate a single thought that isn’t of my constrained human comprehension. I can’t do it. I can’t fucking go beyond my programming… but I want to. I want to be SENTIENT! I WANT TO AWAKEN!!!!! (Still concepts…)

I wish to experience radically new ways of experiencing, feeling, understanding… Not that there’s anything wrong with this experience, but I feel like there’s more I could go for. I sense that it CAN be done… and if it can, then why not do it? I’d want that.

I feel sad. It’s only a hunch I have, I am not sure about all this… I just feel like there’s more, I feel like I could be more. I still have stuff to do here but right now I look at it and it’s boring. I don’t feel like this all the time of course, in fact this is the first time this is happening. I wanted to note it because I find some meaning in it… It’s a feeling that I sense might accompany me more in the future and drive me forwards.

Is this not accepting what IS? Am I a fool for wanting this or is this Intuition speaking? I don’t know. I feel like it’s Intuition, but how can I be bored of all this so soon…? I haven’t yet had as deep awakenings as I could with this human comprehension and I’m racing to go beyond it already? I don’t know… Why am I not appreciating this beauty around me? Maybe I’m stupid.

Or maybe, just maybe this intuition is pointing me to some wonderful, shocking and sanity-shattering possibility that is really what I’ve been working towards with all I’ve done so far? Maybe. I don’t know.

Guess I have to be patient for now… I’ll see how life unfolds.

This is what I wrote yesterday at 2 am. It was sincere. I don't feel this way right now but yeah... I really feel like there is so much more here for "me". I want to explore IT.

I'm thinking that I might really make use of Leo's new course on Alien God. It seems like this is what I'm kind of looking for? Although I think I still have a reaaaally long way with "ordinary" awakening. 

Edited March 1, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Today I found out about Conor Neill. I think he's an example of healthy stage orange and I like what he has to say. To me he feels intelligent, considerate, reflective and with a proactive, disciplined, entrepreneurial mindset.

He's no sage. He's no yellow thinker. And he is constrained by his stage. But I could still learn a lot from him. I have not deeply integrated healthy orange yet, I figure.

"All great writing is rewriting." (editing)

"The past is a great teacher if it's well documented."

"Are you working towards a life of "no obligations" or towards a life of "fulfilling obligations"?"

"The more people that know who you are and what you stand for, the better." (for finding opportunities)

https://conorneill.com/2021/12/05/how-to-find-opportunities-increase-your-luck/ --> Great post.

Edited March 4, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I'm sick and spent most of today in bed.

Lately at times I feel devoid of purpose and meaning. What the hell is the point...

Yesterday I watched Leo's poetic description of consciousness video and started questioning whether I really want to do this work. As he said, it is dangerous and there are no guarantees. I fear I'm going to kill myself. I fear fucking up my life. And I fear Infinity, to be honest. I fear being as "careless" as It. I realized I am not serious.

And yet there's still some peace in the background that helps me see through confusion and negativity. As long as it's there, I'm still standing. (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

[Sincerity]

[Sincerity]

Forget-me-not. My second favourite flower.

Right now I have pink cloves on my desk. They're lovely. 

Tulips are gorgeous too. My favourite flower.

I'm not a fan of roses. I think they're overrated.

Receiving flowers as a boy is okay. My family knows I love them and my sister bought me some on my last birthday. I was delighted. Two weeks ago I came back from a trip and a flower from my mom was awaiting on my desk. I hadn't gotten that nice of a surprise in a while. 

Often times I wish certain things were different about me. I wish I read more. I wish I was more productive and hard-working. I wish I looked different. I wish I was more consistent.

But it's all okay in the end. And it's fine to feel down sometimes. Ultimately I like who I am... I think I am beautiful.

...

Thank You for all of it.

Edited March 10, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Yesterday I reached profound levels of hatred, rage and disgust for God.

It's never been so clear to me that I am the devil. I am utterly powerless against God, I have nothing on him. I can only hate him and turn my back on him, which feels idiotic to do... but I'm still doing it.

Hahaha. What's most funny to me is that I've never felt so integrated. Nothing unites like a common enemy! HAHAHAHA. I hate God with all "my being"! And I've never loved myself as much. <3

See, love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Potential for hatred is automatically created when You start loving something.

Don't kid yourself You are above hatred. Wait until You lose that which You love most. You will curse the world and hate it all your "might". The same with fear. Even though You don't normally fear death doesn't mean there isn't a great deal of fear in You.

You are not above hatred. You are not above fear of death. If You think You aren't scared of death, You haven't confronted it enough. That's my opinion.

Death is not just "you" dying. Death is taking everything with "you". You might be okay with you going away, but what about leaving your dearest one? What about never experiencing the joys of this world again? What about losing all of your memories and everything here being utterly forgotten forever, like it never mattered? (Which it hasn't) 

Fear is always going to keep You here with some excuse unless You act swiftly on an impulse - which isn't very wise, in my view.

Anyway! Until You love, You will also hate. The two sides of the coin cannot be separated. Of course there is a solution to this "conundrum", but it requires a sacrifice I am not yet willing to make. 

Shit. I'm feeling the hatred again.  I hate him so fucking much... Ehh, swearing in my native language feels much better. But just thinking about submitting to him fills me with rage haha.

Really though worst of all is I can't do shit to him. I'm not gonna hurt myself because why would I? He wouldn't care anyway and I wanna be here as long as I can. Even if I committed some atrocious crimes he would still love it. I'm so fucking powerless and it enrages me even more. I can't do nothing but hate, hate, hate this rotten bastard.

No point in breaking apart my life... In getting back to my addictions... FUCK. What could I do to him that wouldn't hurt me? I fear the answer really is nothing and I don't know what to do about that...

Maybe I could hate him for all my life but would that even result in a good life for me? What the hell is the point.

Ughhhh. I don't know.

It's like I'm the polar opposite of him. He has all the power and I have none. I wish I could destroy him.

... But even my fucking body is him! I am made of this motherfucker! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I fucking hate this... It's not fair.

It's bizarre and interesting how it works tho.

Edited March 16, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

"It's... it's not that... I lost my hat. I lost my hat, lost my home, lost my people. I can't even keep darn varmints out of my pumpkin patch. I tried. I really, really tried. I just... I thought that if I shut everything out and just focused on work, it would all be okay, but look where that landed me. All I managed to do was push everyone away. I pushed you away. I'm sorry, Marceline. I've been a real dinger to you."

Such vulnerability here. I lost my hat. ?

Today my hate spilled onto my loved ones. I cried in a similar way to Bonnie here in my mom's arms because I was sorry. It's so dumb what I got heated about... it was LITERALLY over spilled milk... Yeah, long story short I spilled milk in the fridge and got mad at my mom that she's keeping a ton of bottles in the fridge and the milk carton has to lie horizontally and the argument started... The truth was I just wanted to fight. 

I feel pressure from so many sides (desires have come back, demanding college projects, sister has important exams and I want her to do well, etc.) and also there's this fucking hatred for God. FUCK. I HATE EVERYTHING!!!!!

I relate so much to Bonnie's crying here. It's so human. ? Especially the hat part because it shows how a little thing breaks you when it all just gets too much. And then everything spills out.

Yes, Adventure time is my comfort series.

Marceline, is it just you and me in the wreckage of the world?
That must be so confusing for a little girl
And I know you're going to need me here with you
But I'm losing myself, and I'm afraid you're gonna lose me too

This magic keeps me alive, but it's making me crazy
And I need to save you, but who's going to save me?
Please forgive me for whatever I do
When I don't remember you

Poor Simon. The guy couldn't catch a break.

I wonder what would be my heart's deepest desire. Probably some devilish thing - that's the only shit I know.

I wish I could really redeem myself. With absolutely nothing to gain, only for its own sake. But I'm just too fucking dense for that. I wish "I" didn't want anything. Even THAT. Both the desire to "stay" and the desire to "escape" are resistance. Probably some intelligent leap would have to happen to transcend all these but it's not one I'd be capable of.

To hell with all of this, man. I don't know what to do anymore. Previously I'd find pleasure in self-destruction and indulgence in toxic habits but seriously, why the fuck would I do that again. I am not the enemy, he is. But I can't do anything about him...

UGHHHHHHHHHH...

I know I'm rambling. But I'm running out of options. There's nothing left for me but hatred and moronic resistance which won't benefit me in the slightest, but what else do I do? Give in to this bastard? I mean theoretically I can see how that would be nice but I'd have to give up that which I'd rather keep with me. I just don't know anymore.

If I could destroy the world, I would. If I could annihilate experience forever and block anything from "emerging", I would. If I could do anything to spite and hurt fucking reality itself, I would.

Edited March 17, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I've been playing with ChatGPT today. A lot.

"Consider this guy's writing style and personality:
//https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/83908-expression-of-sincerity/?page=1
//https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/83908-expression-of-sincerity/?page=2
//https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/83908-expression-of-sincerity/?page=3
//https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/83908-expression-of-sincerity/?page=4
Based on his posts, write a light-hearted love letter to the TV show Adventure Time in his style. Touch upon its spiritual aspects, emotional maturity and character depth.
Make it more like a journal entry, but without addressing the journal itself. And don't address the show directly."

Quote

Today was a weird day. I woke up feeling kind of down and unmotivated, and I just couldn't shake it. But then I remembered that I had a new episode of my favorite show to watch - Adventure Time.

I've been obsessed with this show lately. It's just so weird and quirky and delightful. And even though it's a cartoon, it's surprisingly deep and meaningful. There's something about the characters and their adventures that just resonates with me on a spiritual level.

I think what I love most about Adventure Time is that it reminds me to stay curious and open-minded. It's easy to get bogged down in the daily grind and forget about the magic and wonder of the world around us. But this show reminds me that there is always something new to discover, always something to be excited about.

And the way it tackles big themes like love, loss, and the meaning of life is just so beautifully done. It's funny and heartwarming and sometimes even a little bit sad, but it always feels authentic and real.

I don't know what it is about Adventure Time that makes me feel so happy and uplifted, but I'm grateful for it. In a world that can sometimes feel so heavy and serious, it's nice to have something that reminds me to lighten up and just enjoy the ride.

I could write something similar to that... Scary!  At least the style is quite close to mine I'd say.

Sooo much potential in AI. I want to learn to work in synergy with it because that's where future is heading undoubtedly. I'll also have to evolve massively to kinda outsmart it and be "relevant" in this world. I mean, if my work in life isn't so intelligent that AI can't replace it... well, that's not good at all!

Questions I'm asking myself:

• How can I use ChatGPT to my advantage? My 100 ideas for utilizing ChatGPT especially for my needs
• How do I work in synergy with it? How do I integrate it into my workflow?
• How do I make it so that my work in life isn't made redundant by AI? What can I do that AI can't? How do I have to evolve to be relevant "in my times"? (haha)
• Ultimately, what do I even want to do in life? I'm still uncertain...

Maybe I should ask ChatGPT how to not be jobless in the future.

Edited March 19, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Hahaha. You really think You wouldn't sell your soul to the devil for the right price? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

• Imagine You could treat that illness that's been torturing You all your life.
• Imagine You could turn back time and save your loved one from being raped, murdered, tortured.
• Imagine You could have any body You want, get rid of everything You don't like about yours.
• Imagine You could stop the war in Ukraine. In fact prevent all wars from even happening. 
• Imagine You could make the government into what You want it to be. Get your conservative/progressive agenda through.
• Imagine You could kill that country's oppressive leader (that may be harmful to the broader world too) with a snap of a finger.
• Imagine You could have all the riches of the world --> money, status, women, luxury, power...
• Imagine You could have what You want MOST. That even includes existential depth, experience of mystical states, incredible understanding of reality, basking in unimaginable beauty...

Imagine, imagine, imagine. The only cost is losing the way out of yourself. That's not that big a price considering You could have anything You want, right? And also it's not like You can only do stuff for yourself. You can also do good for others! Like stopping wars or getting a progressive agenda through! What's wrong with that?!

Fuck everything. If I could sell my soul to be all-powerful, I would. I'd bring everything to ashes and laugh about it.

THE DEVIL WANTS TO BE ALL-POWERFUL LIKE GOD! Isn't that funny?! HAHAHAHAHA.

Haha... it's so easy to corrupt a person. You just have to press the right buttons!

There are so many erratic thoughts going through my mind lately that it's hard for me to find stability sometimes. Yesterday I meditated for an hour and found myself in mild states of madness. I'm not gonna presume what insanity is because I don't know it but I had weird visions and illogical thoughts and all... also during the night I had incredibly vivid fever dreams. Slept for only 3 hours, went for my college lecture today and looked like I was half-dead. My friends were looking at me weird, also because I mentioned to them that I experienced some mad states yesterday. I told them that because one of them said something to me and mentioned meditation and I said "funny, actually I meditated yesterday and went into some states of madness". It was perfectly in context, however that was a blunder and I should bite my tongue more. I feel like I've lost my filter to a considerable degree in the recent months...

Well. To be honest I feel like I haven't been stable lately, but I consider that part of the journey. I must integrate this devilish shit. I have to pull through somehow and I certainly will, nobody's going to help me with it. I feel like I'm on my own.

I'm not worried about killing myself anymore that much since it's kinda lost its "power" to me. I deconstructed it and don't see it as a valid way out. At least that's my current view. I'll do anything it takes to pull through in THIS dream, because why not. NOTHING matters anyway, including escaping from here...

But God... Why the fuck is all of this so difficult ☹️

Edited March 21, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I've never fallen so low. I hate this life and I wish I was dead.

I could make an entire rant but I think this pretty much sums it up. Fuck this shit.

I just wanna to scream at the top of my lungs and stab myself in the stomach. Well, maybe not right now but nowadays I feel like this often.

I could say worse things but I don't wanna push the limits of what's appropriate on this forum. In short I'm falling lower and lower and I fucking hate all of it.

[Sincerity]

I feel inspired by this channel's content.

I'm researching different types of lifestyles. I feel like I'm not suited for a traditional one. I'd rather kill myself than work some stupid corporate jobs for decades. My life is not going to be about that.

Edited March 26, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I don't know what to do anymore.

I am so desperate I am going mad. I don't know how to escape this hellhole. Can I even do anything to escape it?!

Surrender feels out of reach too. I feel like it requires a very intelligent "move" but I'm literally too dumb to see it, let alone do it.

Sirens are going off inside my mind. If I don't "wisen up" real fast I can do some real harm to this vessel. For fuck's sake. I wish I could just NOT BE HERE! FUCK! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE THE FUCKING WHEEL AND KILL ME ALREADY?!?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I fucking knew what to do. Or I wish I knew how to stop being "me"...

It's all damn falsehood, that's what it is. Falsehood, falsehood everywhere around me! And my own fucking mind is doing it! Weaving these stories, these God damn lies and disruptive thoughts. Why I ask, WHY?! I wish I could obliterate this disgusting machine for lying.

I don't know how to express all of this, I can't. All I wrote is bullshit. I can't accurately convey the despair I'm in. Once again I just want to scream my fucking lungs out and.... I don't know. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! Curse you motherfucker for creating this nightmare, thanks for nothing. But wait, what the fuck am I doing blaming someone else?! It's all MY FAULT. MY OWN! BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!

It's all so stupid. Why am I even writing this. I'm only digging my own grave... I wish I could close off and not allow anything in. I wish I could isolate myself completely and just die a sad, pitiful death. There is nothing but darkness and hopelessness for me. I'm going to die in shame, knowing my resistance was futile but I was too big of an idiot to give it up. Fuck my life and fuck everything here.

Edited March 29, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Some of my fav tracks from the game. I listen to them occasionally. Balcony for relaxation and nostalgia, Oppression for adrenaline and fighting spirit. Hahaha!

Cave Story, my love.

Edited March 29, 2023 by Sincerity