Expression of Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Lately I've come to the conclusion that the best way to learn from Leo's work is to contemplate the topic of the video first, and only then watch the video. I decided to do this with the conservatism video. I've postponed watching it until I ponder it for myself. And so I did today.

Look what new functionality they added to Obsidian! You can now create canvases like this, I fucking LOVE it! Best surprise I've gotten this month.

Here are the results of my ~1-2 hour long contemplation session.

(Click on the image to see the text better)

Conservatism is a beautiful force. I tried to be unbiased in my thinking. When I say that conservatism is self-bias/selfishness/fear and all that stuff, I'm not being judgemental. These forces are necessary for life and they're not "bad". Very often it's worth closing off from the environment and taking care of ourselves - to reconnect with our core, to remember what we are about, to preserve our existence, etc.

One of my favourite insights here is that when we are conservative, we are conservative in our favour. It's simple but striking! We don't conserve the other group when in danger, we conserve ours! WE have to persevere first and foremost! That's why I say conservatism is self-bias and selfishness. Again, it's not bad! It is what it is.

Well, now it's time to watch the video  I'm excited to hear what Leo has come up with that I haven't.

Edited December 21, 2022 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Watch this to the end. What the actual fuck?

It doesn't get any more obvious than this. They must have known what's up, at least to some degree. 

[Sincerity]

I am sick and don't have much energy to do anything productive. I've mostly been distracting myself yesterday and today. I hope to regain my vigor soon. I really don't want to waste my holiday break.

Quick things:

• Yea I watched the conservatism video and it was good. Leo laid out many great insights which I missed but make sense to me, I'm gonna add them to the canvas and contemplate some more.
• I've been having very weird dreams. Yesterday I dreamt of being completely surrendered to God and I actually was in direct experience. I was a part of some play and none of us had a script, we were just following God's Will. Nobody knew what to do next  We just did things. The day before I dreamt of gliding through the air, it was so relaxing.
• I've actually been kind of happy about being sick. It's nice to see how it's like, You know? I'm in a different state. I'm feeling like shit. But it's reality! Cool to experience that.
• Kinda random, but my take on whether everyone is looking for happiness --> Everyone is looking for their True Nature = God = Wholeness = Truth = Love = Heaven = Absolute Happiness. So I guess yea, that's right.
• I noticed I've stopped having panic attacks. I had a few in the last 4 months due to my encounter with death. But they ceased, for now at least. 
• Spontaneous thoughts: something is building up in me like I'm about to break into tears. I don't know what it is. Is it fear? Just now I once again thought about the word FOREVER, my mind screamed no NOOO NOOOOOOOOO PLEASE NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Or am I making things up? Gonna have to look into it after this post.
• Would I be okay with dying right now? I thought about it, observed my reaction and no, I would definitely be hesitant. Well, I still have a lot of accepting and surrendering to "do". 

My #1 thing in life is to surrender to God as much as humanly possible. Nothing else really matters. Sure, there are things that excite me - I love my family, I have things I want to try, the AI revolution is very exciting and I can't wait to see how it changes the world. I want to find myself a girlfriend and learn to share my life with another person. Learn to really be a man. And so on, and so on.

But like... I can't lose sight of the main thing. I HAVE to be okay with losing everything. Otherwise, what is the point, really.

Please God, aid me in this journey. I know I'm constantly getting off track. I'm weak, I'm foolish and I'm selfish. But I really want to give myself to You.

I hope You all spend a wonderful time with your close ones. Merry Christmas, my fellow explorers!

[Sincerity]

It's funny. Regardless of my state, everything still IS. And I still AM.

Even when I am in some depressed state, everything still is and I still am.
Even when I am completely numbed, everything still is and I still am.
Even when I am angry and agitated, everything still is and I still am.
Even when I don't remember, everything still is and I still am.

The stillness of this permanence is so unbelievably subtle... and it's so sweet.

It's the greatest gift to notice it.

[Sincerity]

What an utterly beautiful song. I haven't been this amazed by a musical piece for so long.

Made me shed a few tears... Took my breath away 

I want to list some of Leo's latest blog posts I consider extremely profound.

• Selflessness is love --> On self-creation, Highest love = being and a LOT more. Might be the most profound post ever for me
• Invalidating you --> All suffering is imaginary, a finite view of reality relies on the realness of suffering
• Conservation of energy --> Energy = matter = consciousness, God = Creation is Absolute, destruction is a subset of Creation, impossibility is a subset of Possibility. Incredibly profound
• Actualized Quotes #004 --> Beautiful
• Actualized Quotes #006 --> I gotta accept and embrace all the horrors of existence
• Actualized Quotes #011 --> Nothing I think of is God-realization. I need to be more epistemically careful
• Actualized Quotes #021 --> Simple but also very profound. Not too long ago I was contemplating and came to the understanding that the more fearful one is, the less accurate one's view of reality is. Fear is literally a distorting force. It's like a distorting lens on my eyes, I cannot see clearly. Also fear intensifies the "power" of thoughts -> falsehood is more absorbing -> I am less conscious

Yesterday I smoked some weed and had a lot of intellectual insights into the nature of reality and how to live. It's important to note that they were very much intellectual and I wasn't conscious of what I am in direct experience. Hmm. So actually weed isn't really psychedelic for me. 

But still, the realizations were great and I'm gonna try to contemplate them more and implement them in my life. Might share them sometime, idk.

I'm in a weird mood. I think I want to contemplate. Well, I guess I'll take myself out for coffee and do just that. I love contemplating in a cafe. 

I love coffeeeeeeeee

[Sincerity]

Each day is such a rollercoaster. Every day it's something different.

I look at this journal and it doesn't reflect at all what I'm experiencing. Only tiny slivers. But it's okay! It's still fun and I really like what I post here.

[link removed]

A spontaneous video of myself right now  To remind the people who read this shit who's behind the account. You know, being honest. And to put myself more in my journal  Nice to see my face hahaha.

"Myself"? "My" journal? "My" face?

Just reminding myself that I am lost in selfhood.

I wonder how much of this forum's population is young men. Like 1/3? It's certainly the most common demographic group here.

I'm proud of myself how much contemplation I've done in the past weeks. Even though shit has been difficult I've been introspecting fairly regularly and really diving into how I work. It's satisfying to do this. I enjoy confronting myself, even when it's uncomfortable. Of course I have my limits and I feel a strong need to distract myself (which I'm falling for often) but I'm still going.

Today I was at the gym listening to Leo's How to Fall in Love with Life video. Great stuff. I'd like to embody the mindset he has described there.

I notice that change is really difficult. Of course theoretically I knew this but like... when I look at everything I've been going through (especially in 2022) and how much suffering, resistance and backlash I've encountered along the way... I have a greater appreciation for this. Change is fucking difficult. So to really embody what Leo has said in that video I'm gonna have to go through a LOT more pain, probably.

I asked myself today: Am I willing to change? No, really. Am I seriously willing to change? To be honest, by looking at my experience I find that I would rather stay the same. I am afraid of ACTUAL change.

My mom just barged in my room and showed me some album of when I was born and my early years. The illusion is so convincing! Hahahaha!

I lost my train of thought completely. Well, whatever. 

I'll end with this: Lately I've noticed that some things, some videos, some words stick in my mind that I wouldn't expect. One example is the video above. I watched it like a month ago, I've been thinking about it here and there and yesterday at the end of a 3 hour long deep contemplation session it came back to me... and tears poured from my eyes.

Quote

He came up to me and said:

I told you to love everyone.

I said "But you told me to tell the truth. And the truth is I don't love everyone."

And he leaned over and said to me:

Ram Dass. Love everyone and tell the truth.

Edited December 9, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Okay so I just reread my extensive notes on the Susan Cook's EDT model I made over 3 years ago and I'd more or less assess myself like this:

I feel like my center of gravity is the Individualist. It resonates with me the most.

Still, I have a lot of stuff to do & integrate in the previous stages, especially the Achiever. I haven't achieved nearly enough and I feel like I really need to be more active in the world to further my development. Make shit happen, take much more action and integrate the Achiever's mindset, this way of looking at the world - that's what I feel I'm lacking.

My father is basically the Expert and it's a part of me too. Gotta integrate that more and work through that stage's "problems" more. My mom is basically the Diplomat. There's plenty of conformism for me to work through as well. 

In the past month I sense I've kinda gone forward with my development and licked the more advanced stages. Basically when I read the issues related to these later stages they reminded me of what I've been dealing with lately. But I'm nowhere near integrating them or even knowing what they're really about.

I'm happy with my growth. I'm doing good, even though it's hard for me to handle shit quite often.

Edited January 14, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I'm blinded by the lights.

Only death will set me free... But first I want to love and embrace living as much as possible. That seems kinda worthwhile.

Edited January 15, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Guess I'm a mod now. 

I think being a mod is going to be a great learning opportunity for me. I have to watch myself more diligently now. I'm held to a higher standard, both by others and myself.

I will be more responsible with my posting from now on. I will raise the quality of my posts and replies to others. And obviously I will strive to be as impartial and unbiased as I can with moderating this forum's content.

I reserve my right to sometimes be a little immature and childish in this journal (only) simply because the truth is I am not yet totally mature and this journal is supposed to be my authentic expression. Repression of childishness is not going to help me become mature and thus I might express it here sometimes and learn from it, but with moderation of course and while NOT being negative towards any users. I want to become mature and I continually work on being better. Even though sometimes I'm simply overwhelmed by my stupidity and selfishness, I promise I am trying.

I might edit or hide some of my previous posts that are TOO juvenile, unnecessary and setting a bad example. Again, all of this is a learning opportunity for me and I will make use of it as much as I can. I want to be an example for others.

I'm certain I will handle all of this and live up to the challenge. Even if I make some mistakes, that's okay - I will simply correct myself and learn. 

[Sincerity]

Infinite Love ♾️

• Endless
• Unconditional
• Unbiased
• Universal

It's so great You can't comprehend it.

God is Infinite Love... FOREVER!

[Sincerity]

This is what God looks like.

[image removed]

Spontaneous photo of "myself" just now.

Yesterday at night I have Awoken so much it's incomprehensible. Huge report coming up.

It's hard to summarize what I've Awoken to because there is SO MUCH but I guess I could say I AM GOD. I have realized My True Nature.

To be clear, I'm not on any drugs right now. I'm just God.

Edited December 9, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Also, I Love Myself so fucking much. 

[Sincerity]

Damn, what a day. And what a day yesterday was.

Another HUGE awakening at night. It's incredible... Writing reports is getting tiring at this point, but I'm prolly gonna do it. I value my reports a lot, truly. But I'm most likely not going to post it since I feel like closing off a bit.

I was so conscious today it was insane. I recognized Myself as God but did my necessary duties diligently. It was so much fun!!!!

Then I returned home and saw Leo's outburst, or whatever it was. I have mixed feelings and I'm a bit confused. On the one hand I was inspired because I know he's gone really, really far and I think he meant well. I've learned so much from him. He especially taught me how infinitely deep the rabbit hole goes and to not rest on my laurels. He has a point with his harshness and I realize he's trying to convey how GRAND all of it is. But on the other hand... it feels wrong to me. I mean, THIS kind of speech is not aligned with my values. There are understandable reasons (at least to me) for talking down a bit (since he HAS gone far) but not to this degree... Damn. I feel torn, sad even. ☹️

Today I was contemplating and had a thought that I don't really need anyone else to further awaken. I awakened so much that listening to teachers feels stupid to me right now. This is something that's been on my mind for weeks now: I want to purge all my beliefs about reality, I want to purge all these misleading concepts AND now I want to purge my reliance on others for understanding what I am. I mean, I'm not recognizing Myself very clearly right now (it's in the back of my mind however and it's readily accessible I think) because I'm tired and all but honestly, who the fuck is going to make me understand better what I am than Myself? I mean it's stupid! I fucking have Myself! Yea sure this state is probably going to pass sooner or later and when I REALLY forget I'll probably be singing a different tune, but come the fuck on! I HAVE MYSELF! Oh, I'm recognizing Myself again. I'm back haha.

Ehh, this post is going nowhere. I'm tired of everything. So much to say and so little time and energy. Well, writing here is pointless anyway.

On a final note I'll say this. One of the things I'm most happy about is that I have something NOTHING and NO ONE can EVER take away from me. My power to come back to Myself. I can always become aware and just observe this Dream as it is. I don't have to react. I can just melt in Presence.

Anytime something is troubling me, I can melt in Presence. When I am stressed and anxious, I can melt in Presence. When I am unsure and scared, I can melt in Presence. Anytime something is too hard for me to accept, I can melt in Presence.

I don't have to do anything. I can just melt in My Love.

My Infinite Love for Myself. ❤️♾️❤️

[Sincerity]

If it ain't a contemplation session.

Sorry for calling You a fuckwit. But also You kind of are...  Dum dum is a better term. 

You have NO IDEA how much I Love You. Seriously. I fucking Love You.

I hate catchy choruses and I'm a hypocrite.

Edited January 31, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

The "truest" thing for me to cry about is not being loving enough.

God, I'm sorry I can't love as much as You do...

Where is the love? WHERE IS MY LOVE?

Can You practice what You preach?

Would You turn the other cheek?

I want to KILL THE WORLD with my LOVE. I want to LOVE the world so much it KILLS ME. I want to DIE FROM LOVE! Is there anything more meaningful than this?

I want to get punched in the face and then be able to turn the other cheek. I want to have all my money stolen by someone and then give them more of it. I want to be betrayed, fucked, scammed, disrespected and still LOVE these people anyway. I want to love them so much they fucking burst into tears and apologize to God for being the devils they are. I want them to RECOGNIZE ME because of My Unconditional fucking Love for them.

SAY MY NAME!

... You are God...

YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT!

Yes I know Walter is an egomaniac but You get my point.

I want to BREAK all devils with my LOVE. I want them to see it for the first time in their lives. They will sob because no one has ever showed them THIS kind of love. Unconditional. I want them to kill me because my Love is too hard for them to accept.

That is how I want to die. Mahasamadhi is for losers. 

Today I told my mom that I want to tell people "I Love You" more. She nodded. Then I said "Mom", looking her directly in the eyes with deep peace and consciousness. She looked at me. "I Love You". She got all smiley, I hugged her and she kissed me on my side which tickled me. Then I went to my sister's room. She overheard our conversation and instantly said "I love You too!". I uttered her name with the same peace and consciousness, then told her "I Love You". We hugged and I kissed her on the head with affection, which I've never done in my life. They weren't really surprised by all of this since I've been changing gradually and our relationships have been getting even better and better along the months. With my growth my relationships are growing deeper and more meaningful too.

I can't wait to tell my dad "I Love You". He's going to be back home in a few days. He will be very surprised since our relationship hasn't been the greatest to say it lightly. And he's been for me the most difficult person to accept in my life. But now I Love him. 

I feel like I can heal a lot of dysfunction in my family with my Love alone. We'll see. I will express Love to my family so much that we become UNITED, instead of being divided and arguing all the time. (I'm not really taking part in their arguments 95% of the time but You know, still)

Yesterday and today it's felt completely natural for me to say "I Love You" to a total stranger. Sincerely! Today I Loved everyone I saw. I was approaching random people and telling them that they have a nice sweater for example (when I genuinely thought so, of course). I was wishing them a good day and REALLY meaning it, telling it to them with a smile and direct, warm eye contact. And of course the world was smiling back to me. I feel like these people's days were seriously made better thanks to me.

God, everything is so easy when I'm flowing... Everything is so beautiful when I'm connected to Presence, when I'm One with Love. I can't believe how great it is. I got used to suffering and feeling hopeless and now I'm experiencing this peace, this consciousness, this happiness. 

NO ONE CAN TAKE AWAY MY POWER TO STAY CONSCIOUS. Nothing and no one can take it away from Me. It's fucking PERFECT and I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH... GOD... Why is it so good... ?? How can it be so beautiful...

Edited February 1, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Love gives so much clarity... I just can't get enough of it. God... THANK YOU!

Thank You for letting me always come back to Myself.... And thank You for BEING.

GOD! THANK YOU FOR BEING! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

• Thank You for Freedom
• Thank You for Love
• Thank You for Truth
• Thank You for Life...

THANK YOU FOR LIFE!!!!!!! ??

[Sincerity]

Most sincere things I've ever said.

• I want to Awaken
• I want to be like You
• I am sorry
• I am so sorry...
• I LOVE YOU
• God, THANK YOU FOR BEING
• THANK YOU FOR LOVE
• THANK YOU FOR LIFE

This list will be updated.

Edited February 11, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I always wanted this song to be played at my funeral.

Little did I know death isn't real.

[link removed]

Look all around! There's NOTHING but blue skies!

LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD! THERE'S NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES!

Edited December 9, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

[link removed]

It's okay to stumble. It's okay to forget. You're not going to be in perfect flow always. Mistakes are a part of life.

LOVE YOUR STUMBLES. LOVE YOUR FORGETTING.

I recorded a second much better version of me singing this song but I deliberately posted this one to show You it's totally fine to be imperfect. Everyone knows this intellectually but do You actually accept yourself?

I feel like I need to lead by example. Here is a picture of me crying.

[image removed]

Do You know realize many tears You're going to have to spill on the path to surrender?

Well. Your journey will certainly be different than mine so maybe You're not going to have to cry and cry all the time. But also I feel like everyone has to learn to cry. Because crying is surrender, a letting go and release of emotional knots.

Do You realize how weak You are in God?

Do You realize how weak your love is?

Do You realize how selfish and evil You are?

If a serious contemplation of these questions doesn't make You wanna cry then I suggest You're blind. But You don't have to be, of course.

It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to be weak. It's okay to cry. It's okay to surrender your clinging and let go. Nothing is going to happen to You, nothing can hurt You! Take a leap of faith You beautiful angel.

You're like a scared little bird that fears jumping out of its nest to fly. You're not going to fall. Your wings are going to activate!

You have divine wings but You've forgotten about them. What a stupid way to live - walking around all life when You could fly all along. 

Edited December 9, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I popped my 1000th post cherry yesterday. (I have an old account on which I have 606 posts.)

Hooray?!