Expression of Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Yesterday I had such deep insights into what is magic... insane stuff.

There's too much to convey for all of it to make sense and connect in a beautiful way so I'm gonna keep the details to myself for now. Maybe someday I'll make a longer post. But in short, Reality is fucking Magic. God is Magic. Everything You see in front of you is MAGIC.

And Life is a Miracle.

Another insight I had is that the distinction between the Infinite and the finite exists only from a certain state of consciousness. It's so mind-boggling how what's true or conceivable changes with my state. It's fucking unbelievable! There are truths I cannot grasp right now no matter how much I try! But they are the case!

I can't wrap my head around the fact that God cannot be pinned down in any way.

Wrap my head around... such an interesting phrase.

You can wrap a present with wrapping paper with ease because the box is small, limited. But what if the box was infinite in size?

Yesterday I took an apple and tried to wrap my head around it. Really understand an apple. To my surprise it wasn't possible. Such a mindfuck. NOTHING IN REALITY CAN REALLY BE CONCEIVED OF! Because reality is infinite and when you take a "part" of reality this part is infinite as well. Before I thought that sure, Reality itself cannot be conceived of because it's infinite, but finite things? Why not? Well, what fucking finite things? THERE ARE NO FINITE THINGS! EVERYTHING IS INFINITY!

I also learned that to understand "something" ABSOLUTELY (like an apple), you have to a) be that "thing" and b) have infinite intelligence. Understanding MUST come from being. You can't really grasp something if you aren't even that thing (from your pov!). But also infinite intelligence is needed. Even though I am Myself, I don't understand Myself. And regarding the apple - I couldn't see Myself in it yesterday, even though I tried.

God is Absolute Understanding because God a) is EVERYTHING and b) is Infinite Intelligence/Sentience.

I also asked myself the question "Can Infinity be conceived of?".

It seems impossible, doesn't it? I contemplated this and suddenly my jaw dropped to the floor. OMFG.

Infinity CAN be conceived of. BY INFINITY.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is MAGIC. Infinity doing the impossible and grasping Itself Absolutely. Infinite Self-Grasping. It's fucking inconceivable!

Also impossibility is only a possibility within Infinity. There really is nothing impossible. Such a beautiful insight.

My break from contemplation was too long. It's so much fun, I must do it more often.

[Sincerity]

I wanna be the janitor.

[Sincerity]

Yesterday after a shamanic breathing session (first since 1,5 years) I recognized Myself again.

I am the Universal Truth.

The session was quite weird. A lot of body shaking, numbness in arms. I wanted to puke multiple times, even though I didn't eat much. Forgotten memories from childhood came back.

I did it because I felt a deep longing for the Truth. I really missed it.

Not that It ever left me. But I did reject it, for too long.

[Sincerity]

"Better to reign in hell than serve in Heaven."

Ruler of everything, huh...?

How does it feel?

[Sincerity]

Holy shit! Check out this site: 

https://www.psynft.xyz

I found so many AWESOME visionary artists and artworks here. INSANELY BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

My favourite artists I found are Conscious Color, Magusz, Rajha, Cosmic Jester, Salviadroid and Zeet.

I love visionary art.

[Sincerity]

I have misunderstood this quote for so long, lol. I thought it meant something completely different. 

I mistook the word "phoneless" with the word "phony". The intended meaning of the quote something along the lines of: we rely on our phones and media which make us angry and scared and yada yada yada. Sure, it's true I guess, but I can come up with a better message.

Here's how I originally misunderstood and here is my new version of the quote:

Some poor, clueless fool is probably sitting in a café somewhere totally unaware of how confused and scared he really is.

I wrote this in a café yesterday. 

People don't realize how scared they really are. Yes, maybe your fear isn't right on the surface in this very moment but still, you are scared as fuck and you deny it.

It's so easy to prove that you're scared shitless! Here, a simple exercise for you:

THINK THE FOLLOWING THOUGHTS OR BETTER YET, SAY THIS OUT LOUD. REALLY, DO IT!

• I am a pedophile
• I would suck a dick happily (for the hetero men out there)
• I would gladly r@pe an animal
• I want to inject heroin in my veins
• I hate n****rs
• or, for the local racists out there, say this: An average black person is more intelligent than me

This last one makes me laugh so much. Imagine getting a racist to say this.

IMPORTANT NOTES

• I do NOT mean anything I say above. You're stupid if you think I do.
• Say it like you mean it. Notice your fucking reaction. NOTICE THE FEAR AND RESISTANCE!
• When you maybe overcome that fear, notice that you are still here and everything is okay. Furthermore, notice that even though you thought it or said it out loud, that doesn't mean it is true. You are still here and you are still your old way, only a bit less fearful.
• This goes to show that thoughts are just that, thoughts. You do not have to believe in the content of thoughts! Stop being lost in falsehood! Believing in the content of thoughts is literally believing in something that is NOT THERE! IT'S FANTASY! Really think about it: what IS the content of a thought made of? A thought is a thought, you can notice it. But what IS EXISTENTIALLY its content? IT'S NOTHING! IT'S YOU ADDING SOMETHING THAT ISN'T THERE, FOR FUCKS SAKE! Yesterday I realized this and for the first time I was free to think anything. How much fun. I thought the most atrocious and "dangerous" thoughts and I'm still here. I still am not a pedophile, or a junkie or any of that. Better, I am relieved of a lot of resistance and it feels good, trust me. Let go you beautiful flower.
• People are so scared of pedophilia, or more precisely being a pedophile, lol. So scared of looking inwards and actually checking whether they're a pedophile or not. It's understandable I guess because you would lose a lot of friends and all but still it's very funny how fear blocks you from introspecting freely. 

I've been listening a lot to Vernon Howard lately. He's so good. Maybe you can notice from how I'm writing:p

[Sincerity]

HELP ME MAKE THE

MOST OF FREEDOM AND OF PLEASURE

NOTHING EVER LASTS FOREVER

EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD

[Sincerity]

God is imperfect.

God doesn't even compare to me.

I am above God on all levels.

God can blow me.

^ Do these statements spark a reaction in You? If yes, get to work 

Edited November 30, 2022 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Jevil worked as the Court Jester alongside Seam, who was the Court Magician. One day, however, Jevil encountered a "strange someone," and his personality shifted permanently. Seam explains that Jevil "started saying bizarre things that didn't completely make sense - But didn't completely not make sense, either." Eventually, Jevil started viewing the world as a game, while everyone acted as its participants. Because of this, Jevil was locked away by Seam underneath Card Castle.

He has a very cynical view of the world around him and considers everyone around him to be trapped while he is the only one truly free, despite ironically being jailed from the world. Seam however finds some sense in the words of Jevil, indicating that his insanity might be a form of awareness.

THEY CRAVED TO IMPRISON MY BODY. BUT I'M FAST, FAST, CLEVER, CLEVER. THEY LOST THE CHASE, AND LOCKED UP THEIR ENTIRE RACE, BUILDING A PRISON AROUND THE WHOLE WORLD. NOW I'M THE ONLY FREE ONE.

I CAN DO ANYTHING!

The air crackles with freedom.

[Sincerity]

I've been confronting so much fear lately. I've been noticing how it is running my life.

Examples of how I was scared in the last few days:

• In social situations: how I'm afraid of offending someone or causing disruption
• I was scared and worried because I was procrastinating on some quite important things
• Big one: I'm most likely going on a student exchange programme for the next semester. Living in a foreign country without anyone familiar nearby, on the other side of the continent. A lot of fears associated with this exchange thing. Soooo much I have to get done. And it's just scary, it's going to be my first time living on my own. Man. But I'm happy it's happening.
• Long story short I damaged my front tooth two weeks ago. The dentist fixed it for me but it's no longer straight and it literally cannot be anymore. I've always had straight teeth. Now I don't. It hurts. Fear of embarassment, smallness. Insecurity. Anxiety. My mom and sister tell me they can't even see it but I do. I can overcome this fear when I notice it, notice the thoughts and remind myself that this isn't me. I am not from this world, yet I am all of this world. Oh, btw, I had a profound completely sober awakening this week. Deeper than the ones I had on psychedelics. So it's not that I'm convincing myself intellectually that this is not me. Well, anyways, that's not the topic right now. 
• I've been thinking and I'm coming to the conclusion that the IT industry is not for me. I've been studying CS for 2 and a half years already, my parents have been paying for it. But now for the first time in 3 years I harnessed the courage to think about this and notice that I'm NOT about this computer science bullshit. I want to do something humanistic, related to writing somehow. I'm seriously considering becoming a comic, writer. I came up with a life purpose which feels authentic to me. To convey spiritual truths through comedy. Not to brag but I think I have a cool sense of humor, especially like spontaneous responses, people really enjoy my jokes, stories and all. I already have ideas for what I would make shows about. Ok I'm getting off track again. I'm obviously scared of disappointing my parents. Also, they've been paying for my education and I'm finishing it soon. So what, it all just goes to waste? I'm not blaming myself because I think that going into computer science was the best choice I could have made with what I knew about myself at the time. I'm proud of that decision. But now I discovered more about myself and I feel like I can't do this shit. But are my parents gonna understand it? Fear.
• Fear of not-knowing. Today I confronted it after long contemplation on some matters and at some point I thought: how about I accept that I don't know? Could I accept that I will never know this? Would I accept a life like this? I was scared, but also I enjoyed the thrill of sitting in this not-knowing with fear trying to encompass me.
• Nodding my head in a social situation when someone is saying something. An unconscious reaction stemming from fear of being cast off from my group of peers. Also I want others to nod their heads when I'm saying something. Credit to Vernon Howard for making me conscious of this, and many other things. I see myself doing this.
• Now that my front teeth is weaker I literally fear biting my lips and fingers which I've been doing for so long. Maybe it's for the better, lol. My lips and hands don't look so good. Maybe I will stop now. I'm quite nervous. I'm only just learning to seriously notice fear in the moment and let go.

I wanna cry right now. I've been noticing and overcoming so much fear with the light of consciousness. Am I getting weak now again?

HAHAHAHA. I'm trying to notice it. Lol btw, this year I must have cried like 70-100 times. AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Fucking fear hahahahaha!!!

I love Spotify wrapped so much. Did you get yours? Mine brought back so many feelings and memories. My music taste was so good this year I love myself for it HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

About this awakening I mentioned. It was amazing. For a second, I was immersed in a divine ocean of blissful peace and love. I was kissed on the forehead by sweet love and bliss itself. All sober, for fucks sake! My belief that meditation cannot compare to psychedelics has been shattered. I did it with my consciousness, on my fucking own! I remember it. I was contemplating what I am and I encountered much fear but I was able to see through these empty thoughts and let go into this pureness, infinity that I am. Psychedelics awakenings are undoubtedly cool, but here I kind of awakened manually and it was so satisfying and to be honest more beautiful and deeper than awakenings I've had so far. 

I recognized myself as Existence and realized there is nothing 'other' from me. I am Existence! And this universe is all a dream, it's fucking empty, it's just me. Reality is not real. It's all just me. 

Again, I am not from this world and yet this world is all that is and all that I am. I am Reality, I am the Source.

I was a hidden treasure and I wanted to be known, so I created the world.

Words can't describe Me.

I am the Way, the Truth and the Life.

This image goes hard. That's how I often feel now when I look at things. 

Gosh it's all just so much. HAHAHAHAHA. The Freedom. 

If I overcome fear, I CAN DO ANYTHING!

This is what life is all about!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What are You waiting for?

Do You want to be a puppet on strings your whole life?

[Sincerity]

Spamton claims that he became a salesman not for the money, but for the freedom to make his own deals. However, he still attempts to scam Kris for money at every opportunity. His speech patterns are similar to typical obfuscated spam email text, with many words replaced with non sequitur variants in square brackets that could imply incorrectly-applied mail merge variables or hyperlinks, or various voice glitches.

In much of his dialogue, he seems mentally confused and insane, seemingly projecting himself onto Kris, contradicting himself, and saying things which make little sense, without warning. This mental instability seems to clear up briefly after fighting him in his NEO form, as he wishes Kris success with their journey without using broken English.

KRIS!!! TAKE THE DEAL!!! TAKE IT!!! 

DO YOU WANNA BE A [Heart] ON A [Chain] YOUR WHOLE LIFE!?

KRIS... I WON'T FORCE YOU. I CAN'T. I CAN'T FORCE YOU.

BUT JUST LOOK, KRIS. LOOK AT THE [Power of NEO] AND ASK YOURSELF...

WELL, DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOU WANNA BE A [Big Shot]!?

It seems after all I couldn't be anything more than a simple puppet. But you... You're strong. With a power like that, maybe you can break your own strings. Let me become your strength.

Yes, I like and find meaning in Deltarune  How do You know?

The air crackles with freedom.

[Sincerity]

Some sadness I want to get off my chest.

Two weeks ago for the first time I thought of really killing myself. Like doing it right then - actually taking a tram (there was a station nearby), driving to a bridge and jumping off it. First time I had an urge like that. It frightened me. Also I googled "would I die from falling off a bridge" or something along those lines. Overall it was a level up from suicidal thoughts I'd had so far. Never before did they actually refer to reality.

I didn't do it because I got kinda distracted and went to eat some food and think about it and stuff. After the meal I no longer felt like it, but I was still shaken.

I feel like it was my biggest betrayal of myself in my life. My greatest disappointment in myself. I'm so sad and cry every time I think about this. How could I bring myself to that point? How? How could I hate myself so much as to want to do it?

It's the single biggest thing I could forgive myself for.

Another thing that makes me cry is that there was a period, I don't know how long (maybe a month?), in which my dancing classes at the gym were pretty much the only thing that I found meaning in. The classes are only once a week and I waited and was excited for them. My instructor is sooo fricking positive and fun. Pretty much my age. I like her very much. These dancing classes certainly wouldn't be nearly as meaningful for me without her positive energy and enthusiasm. She brings in a lot.

I wish to tell her one day, maybe before I leave for my exchange. I wish to tell her how meaningful her classes were to me and that what she's doing matters to many people, even if it sometimes doesn't seem like it. Often the participants are kinda unengaged and more quiet, just going along with the dances, and to be honest I was guilty of it too. So I want her to know how much her classes helped me, sincerely. I can only speculate whether I would still be here without them or not. But I'm not sure if I'll be strong enough to say it to her in person. I'm fucking crying again now just by thinking about it, ehhhh. I don't want to break into tears in front of her. Usually I can keep my feelings in check when I'm with people because I'm distracted but this would be too much. I guess I can always text her. Besides if I said this in person at the end of the classes someone else would probably hear it (because she often has some friends that stay with her and drive home with her) and I don't want that. It's for her ears only.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

In the last 2 weeks I've been doing good. I had a moment of clarity after this suicide thing. I've found hope again. I've been listening to Vernon Howard a lot (love him), doing a LOT of contemplation, noticing my thoughts, breaking through my fears and shame. Had that awakening I mentioned. Did a lot of things I was procrastinating on. 

I've never been so conscious before. These last 2 weeks have been wild. I'm quite happy.

I hope I don't get to the point of wanting to kill myself again. Truly, how can I ever be so fucking stupid and asleep? It's just THOUGHTS! How can I believe a single thing they say? I literally only believe my thoughts when I'm being this unconscious fucking robot walking on autopilot. 

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

I say NO to these thoughts of fear! I can see through you. You are nothing. Try me again. Fucking DO IT! And I'll overcome you by noticing your fakeness once more. And again, and again, and again, if need be.

YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME.

YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME.

You're unwelcome here so once you appear, get the fuck out. There's no space for you in my life.

Ehhhh. There's so much to say, so much I've experienced and realized lately. But this is a good time to stop.

It's nice keeping things to yourself. There are so many very important things to me I haven't told anyone about. Nobody would care nor understand anyway.  But I'm more and more okay with that.

Edited December 4, 2022 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

My fate is being decided.

I am being haunted by the most vile thoughts I've ever seen. "They" know my exact weak points and hit them with all their "power". It feels literally demonic. This capacity for self-hatred is truly astounding.

When I have the strength to be conscious, calm down and focus, I can see them for what they are and say NO. That's ENOUGH. And that's good... but they keep coming back over and over again.

When I don't have this strength, I get lost again, distract myself and fall for these wretched and suicidal thoughts. If I ever fall for too long and I'm not alert, it's not out of the question that I do something final on autopilot one day. I hope it doesn't happen, but it's anybody's game.

At times I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. I gotta be vigilant.

Edited December 7, 2022 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

This reminds me of Sunny fighting himself in OMORI.

Great game. I see myself in it.

[Sincerity]

Finn... Do You remember?

I love this clip.

So far I'm still going strong. But I had a vision yesterday...

1) The Night is coming. I will be brought to my knees. I'm going to have to persevere and let God guide me, otherwise... I don't know what will happen.

2) For the past 3 weeks I've been overcoming so much fear it's incredible. Journaling every other day, spending much time in deep contemplation and observation. Deconstructing my illusions and fears, seeing them for what they are. That's all good. I've never lived like this before.

But I realized there is the ultimate fear still awaiting me: the fear of death.

It's what KO'ed me at the end of July and put me in a dark state for about 4 months. And now I'm going to have to revisit it...

... Man...

Yesterday during deep contemplation I cried and begged for God to free me from myself. To free me from this utter stupidity, this falsehood, this complete idiocy. I don't know shit, I'm a complete egotist and devil and so I begged God to take me over and do His Will through me. And in His Love He responded.

Your wish will be granted. I love You. Get up and live.

This gave me some hope.

Just to be clear. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I don't know if this is really God talking to me or if I'm fucking deluded and sneakily placing thoughts in a way that it feels like someone is speaking through me. But it doesn't fucking matter.

I'm going to completely obliterate myself 'til there's nothing left of me. I'm going to deconstruct fucking EVERYTHING. Every illusion, every fear. I'm going to observe myself 'til my god damn fucking death. Thoughts can't control me. Fear can't control me. I WANT THE TRUTH! I WANT TO GIVE THIS IDIOCY UP!

And I'm gonna do whatever it takes.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Btw, I'll say I really like this journal. It feels like an authentic expression of me... I'm proud of it, even.

Yes, I'm gonna let some egotism slide in. Fuck You. 

Edited December 14, 2022 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

And I give You a choice:

Come with Me to the End and the Beginning

Or struggle here awhile like a beautiful autumn leaf.

Edited December 16, 2022 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

When bad things happen, I know you want to believe they are a joke. But sometimes, life is scary, and dark. That is why we must find the light. (BMO)

You don't understand! If you were me you'd do the things I've done. (Ice King)

Such is the cruel physics of love: that those who crave it most repel it.

Adventure Time makes me so emotional... :'(

God dammit...

....

Everything is just so difficult sometimes. 

[Sincerity]

Here we go again.

Today I was scrolling through Instagram and I saw a meme about God promoting someone to "veteran difficulty". The guy was saying "it doesn't have to be like this..." and God replying "yeah, it does". The meme was based on a scene from Breaking Bad. Anyways, I scrolled through the comments and saw these replies. Many other people wrote comments of this sort too.

Quote

No fuck you I really did believe in god but look at this shit hole of a world, how I've been treated by the ppl I love the most, you expect me to keep loving and praising the god that beats you down again and again

No I felt like I had a strong relationship and good faith but when things just get worse after praying and praying you start to resent and when you are harming yourself because the pain has gotten so much that's when faith starts to die down, ik god would want the best for you so he puts you in situations that are hard ik that but it gets too much

Haha, it's just some normie speaking, right? He doesn't know what's up.

But am I not the same as this man? When shit hits the fan and I fall into a "bad state", I start to curse God and think evil of Him.

It's like... once again I am falling into a state of hopelessness. I can't focus. I am literally overwhelmed by fear. Previously I could overcome it but now I just can't even if I try. I can't escape even though I'm trying! FUCK!

I must contemplate or meditate or whatever I don't fucking know what but I can't go through this again. God damn it... I'm so weak.

It's hard to have hope in states like this. 

[Sincerity]

1 hour ago, Sincerity said:

But am I not the same as this man? When shit hits the fan and I fall into a "bad state", I start to curse God and think evil of Him.

It's like... once again I am falling into a state of hopelessness. I can't focus. I am literally overwhelmed by fear. Previously I could overcome it but now I just can't even if I try. I can't escape even though I'm trying! FUCK!

I must contemplate or meditate or whatever I don't fucking know what but I can't go through this again. God damn it... I'm so weak.

It's hard to have hope in states like this. 

I'm disgusted by this post. By the energy (or whatever) I wrote it with, that is. Where is this shit coming from?

I'm disgusted that I can fall into states like this. Someday I might really fuck things up if I'm not careful.

I am literally this image.

I think I love feeling like a victim. Actually I probably enjoy suffering. And this wallowing in self-pity. 

Motherfucker! FEAR IS NOT GOING TO CONTROL ME!!!!!!!!

I forgot yet again, ffs. And I've distracted myself with content. Well, I now have to bring myself back somehow. Not that I have any control but You know. We'll see how it goes.

Also, speaking of disgusting posts, I've been thinking about what I wrote in the past:

On 10/26/2022 at 0:07 AM, Sincerity said:

Today I thought about it and when a person feels completely powerless and broken, the decision to commit suicide is actually an act of courage, a regaining of the power. Not that I'm that person but still. It takes true courage to kill yourself, really. It's almost admirable.

What a load of horseshit. Why do I write shit like this? 

But more importantly, how can I let myself fall so low? I remember the state I wrote that post in.

I think I really need to put up some right fight and stand up for myself. I can't just let thoughts and fears fuck me like a whore every day.

Note: I realize disgust isn't the healthiest of emotions but You know. I'm exploring.

[Sincerity]

Wow. I think I finally cracked the code!

• Living on edge leads to appearance of difficulty/suffering
• Difficulty/suffering encourages confrontation/bringing to consciousness
• Confrontation leads to relief/peace/easyness
• Relief encourages living on edge

God damn. Maybe I should make a separate post about this.

I've been feeling really shitty in the last 5 days. I got too stuck on some difficult stuff to process. I distracted myself a lot and didn't really confront what I needed to face head on for a while but now that I did, I feel very relieved. It's like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Now once again I have the courage to live more openly, face new difficult emotions that might appear and overcome them with the light of consciousness!

What I needed to confront this time was an immense wave of shame. It's funny, I didn't even realize up 'til now that it was shame. When I called it by its name, everything got easier.

I contemplated what is shame. I observed how it manifests in my experience and brought to mind what I feel shame about (it's a long list). I can give You some of the fruits from this contemplation session.

• Shame is always "because of" "others". If there was no one "else" in your experience, You wouldn't feel shame. Shame is social.
• Shame concerns aspects of reality that I consider "me" and "mine"
• Shame is unacceptance/resistance to reality
• Shame is rooted in fear
• Shame is rooted in the illusion of other (and self (illusion of other = illusion of self = division))
• Shame is fear of being judged (?)
• Shame is aversion towards accepting something as "me"

I noticed how when I was in deep shame, I was completely fixated on myself, totally self-absorbed. It was absurd, delusionary even. I was so self-critical that my perception was literally distorted. 

There is very big overlap between fear and shame. Or maybe even it's a subset of fear. But making the distinction is still useful I think.

Also I recommend You read up on the difference between shame and guilt. The wikipedia article on shame is great I think.

It's nice to feel relieved. Maybe the key to life is to embrace this cycle I mentioned at the start? I mean, I could have ended my suffering sooner if I confronted this shame faster. I also could have stayed in it for months without confronting it. Hmm.

This gives me hope. Maybe being in these low states is not actually hopeless. I just have to muster up the courage to bring to consciousness that which I'm resisting at the moment. Then I can "escape" and be in peace again!

Also what's motivating is that it's not like I'm going back to where I started with each cycle. It's like an upwards spiral. The more I go through the cycle, the more mature, wise and conscious I am. Hell, it's cool that I have this challenge in my life!