Expression of Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Hey y'all  This is going to be my new journal on my new account. I left the old acc because I didn't like my username.

Let me introduce myself first.

My name is Sincerity and I'm from Poland.

[image removed]

^ This is me!

I'm currently ??? years old. I'm admittedly young but I hope you can see me beyond my age, for what I am 

I've been on this forum for more than 3 years and until now I've (kinda) held my identity a secret. But lately I've had some realizations in regard to expressing myself more honestly and yeah. Here I am, being more open with you. Now you have a slightly better idea of who's behind the account. (Edit: Ironic haha. But it has to be this way. Everything ends.)

I've been on the spiritual path for roughly 4-5 years now and I feel like I've had much progress. I definitely have many insights to share. But I'm still pretty much a beginner and I'm on the journey along with you. Try to keep up, because I feel like I'm growing pretty fast (this year has been insane for me so far, seriously!)

I've been mulling over my important values for years and this is where I stand right now: I am primarily about goodness. I am about love. I am about bliss, wisdom, appreciation, responsibility, sincerity, curiosity, discipline and humility. I also really value humor and laughter. You might notice I'm often tongue-in-cheek in my posts 

I don't like posting very frequently and I'm still not sure what I will even be posting here but tell you what, it's going to come from a place of sincerity  

Love and have a great day ❤️

Edited December 10, 2023 by Sincerity
End of the road.

[Sincerity]

Quotes by Norm Macdonald I find interesting/funny. The first and second one are especially powerful!

Quote

"Once I learned this truth, I began to see examples of it everywhere. A picture hung on the wall of our parlor. In it, a woman was taking a shirt from a clothesline. She had clothespins in her teeth and it was windy and a boy was tugging at her dress. The woman looked like she was in a hurry and the whole scene gave me the idea that, just outside the frame, full, dark clouds were gathering. But that was not what it was. It was paint. So I decided right then and there to see the picture as it really was. I stared at the thing long and hard, trying to only see the paint. But it was no use. All my eyes would allow me to see was the lie. In fact, the longer I gazed at the paint, the more false detail I began to imagine. The boy was crying, as if afraid, and the woman was weaker than I had first believed. I finally gave up. I understood then that it takes a powerful imagination to see a thing for what it really is."

"I remember a psychiatrist once telling me that I gamble in order to escape the reality of life, and I told him that’s why everyone does everything."

"The only thing an old man can tell a young man is that it goes fast, real fast, and if you’re not careful it’s too late. Of course, the young man will never understand this truth."

"It's true what they say. Never meet your heroes. It turns out they're all a bunch of fucking assholes. They're probably the reason you turned into such a fucking asshole - because they were your heroes and you spent all your time trying to be like them."

"The only time having a cult following is a great thing is when you are actually in a cult."

Lately I've discovered that I really like writing. It's one of the ways I can satisfy my creative urge. I'm sharing one of my works in the next post! This one's kinda short, I wrote it 2 months ago.

Edited August 18, 2022 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Dare to Live with an Open Heart

Closing oneself often seems like the easy way out. You experience something painful – You shut yourself down, distract yourself, do anything it takes to not look in the direction of discomfort. This is many times our automatic reaction, a knee-jerk response to pain.

But this is neither fulfilling, nor truthful existence. Unfulfilling, because the pain is still there and until the unconscious reaction is changed, it is going to keep coming and stinging again and again. Sure, you can close yourself every time, but is this really the way you want to live? It’s not truthful. You’re not accepting reality as it is. You’re not seeing things clearly, as they are. What good of a life is that?

It’s not worth it to be a coward. Paradoxically, the more challenging life of a hero is easier than the life of a coward. A hero takes on the difficulty of life and deals with it boldly, accepting it fully. If one doesn’t accept the challenge of life, one is assured to suffer, be weak and live in falsehood. Because the truth is that life is challenging. Whether one accepts this or not is a choice for them to make, but this fundamental principle is not up for debate.

Awareness and acceptance of this fact definitely makes life easier. It is ALWAYS better to accept than not accept. Of course this doesn’t mean a person should put up with unnecessary suffering. As the saying goes: Change the things you can change, accept the things you can’t and have wisdom to know the difference.

The difficulty of life is something certain. Therefore, the wise thing to do is to say yes to it.

Living with an open heart is a confident YES to reality itself. Only great men are eager to meet this challenge. For them it isn’t just acceptance – it is EMBRACE of difficulty and suffering. A deep LOVE for real growth as spiritual beings. Devotion to going beyond their edge.

Everyone is a hero of their lives. But not all realize that.

The correct response to the sometimes overwhelming effort life requires from you to be the best version of yourself is “BRING IT ON!” or “GAME ON, YOU cu**!”. Have courage to do this, be brave enough to accept anything! Be willing to live through ANYTHING! And you will be God among men.

God is ABSOLUTE acceptance. God is willing to experience everything, because God wants to know Itself. Do YOU want to truly know Yourself? Do you want to know the full scope of life – how horrifyingly hard it can be, but also how radiantly beautiful?

Say YES consciously and don’t ever look back, because behind you’re leaving the life of mindless suffering and foolishness.

Say YES with flaming courage and go on, striving to accept the reality of life as much as humanly possible.

Say YES knowing intuitively that this is what you were born for.

Say YES to Love – that, which You are and always have been.

[Sincerity]

I really like Cave Story. I have a soft spot for it, one of my fav games ever.

The soundtrack is SO BEAUTIFUL and so fitting. Might be the best part of the game! The story is great. The combat is fun, some battles are really hard! The overall atmosphere... I was so immersed in the game when I played it for the first time. This week I replayed it because I just like it so much.

I really recommend you check it out. It's available for free.

The game was created by a solo developer Daisuke “Pixel” Amaya and released in 2004. This guy is the father of solo indie developers. Inspiring stuff.

One weird thing about the game is that getting the best ending is VERY counter-intuitive, if not downright impossible without checking the wiki.

I've been thinking about this. Why is this so? Was this bad design on Pixel's end or was this totally intentional?

Below is a great analysis of the game's story and a good explanation for this decision.

The explanation is that a human would almost surely never get this good ending. If this game was your world and you were a character in it, you wouldn't be able to make things work out. Because you're not omniscient and you don't know what exactly you'd have to do to get the best outcome.

Lately I've had the insight that following virtues not always results in the best outcomes. You can act purely from good intention and in spite of that, still bring harm on yourself or others. You can be a saint all your life and still you may face "unfair" tragedies. I think this might be the reason why some people turn away from God. They believe that if they act good, God will reward them with what they want. Which is foolish (and a misunderstanding of God).

The future is unforeseeable. God's plan is unknowable. I think that the best thing one can do is 1) follow principles and strive to do the right thing but then 2) detach oneself from the outcome. 

No future outcome is guaranteed - there are just too many variables. Your intelligence and foresight are extremely limited. Therefore, you can only do your best... and that's all what matters.

But since you do not belong to the world of the game, you can quit and check the wiki for detailed instructions. In this way, you are above this game's universe, right. You CAN foresee the future, you CAN be aware of the creator's plan for the game. And thus you can get the best ending.

But yeah. It's not like this in real life  It's profound to think about. Why bother having your own limited will and craving for certain outcomes when God always gets Its way anyway lol. Just surrender. Act the best way you can but don't expect anything in return. Let go of needing things to be a certain way.

I wish I had the strength to surrender to God. But for now I'm still going against the current and I'm suffering because of it. I'm so weak, haha. So weak and so stupid in comparison to Reality.

Well. I'm sure I'll be free someday  Everything is going to be okay (no matter the outcomes)

[Sincerity]

One of the most epic scenes in movie history:

Not exactly a hot take but you know. I like it a LOT. Tension is through the roof and the music is simply outstanding.

[Sincerity]

God please, take me home...

'Cause I don't remember... Take, take me home!

'Cause I don't remember... Take, take me home!

'Cause I don't remember... Take, take me home! Oh Lord

Well, I've been a prisoner all my life... And I can say to you

But I don't remember

Take, take me home...

[Sincerity]

I've been feeling really sad in the last days.

Not all the time of course. It's coming in waves. Mostly going about my day, sometimes spontaneously bursting into tears.

I'm not in the mood for explaining why but yeah. Sadness.

I feel like this video really helped me. I was amazed by the lady's very open expression of emotion and it made me cry (I actually watched it in public but I didn't make anyone uncomfortable I think. It wasn't crowded). She inspires me to express feelings more openly and cry freely when I feel like it.

Emotions are so beautiful. Expression is so awesome. Even when it's hard to process sometimes, there's something so cool about expressing emotion freely. Really, emotions must be one of my favourite things in life.

Besides sadness I'm also feeling a bit overwhelmed by my incoming trip across some European cities. Also today I've been feeling a bit sick - which I'm really worried about. But I'm hoping everything is gonna be okay. I'm drinking tea with lemon and honey, took some pills, listening to fricking binaural beats (lol, I'm desparate okay? ). I'm trying to be optimistic.

Everything is fine. 

Edited August 23, 2022 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Well, I'm off for the trip. I will most likely not log into my account for that time.

I'm scared and I'm excited. It'll be fun.

I've had quite a lot to face lately and it's often been really difficult. I deserve to have a break.

Cya!

[Sincerity]

I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK

It was fun as hell. A lot of cool new experiences, meeting new people, at times literally crying tears of joy.

But it's good to be home. I can't wait to spend more time in solitude and do some work now.

[Sincerity]

I'll elaborate on my Europe trip a bit.

So far this was the trip of my life. Seriously. I've been travelling solo for 17 days and visited Prague, Vienna, Ljubljana (and Bled), Venice, Milan and Zurich. I ended my trip in Frankfurt and took a plane from there back to Warsaw.

I think I've never felt more happy. Again, at times I was literally crying tears of joy. Once because of an ASTOUNDINGLY beautiful view. Another time because of the recognition that I got EVERYTHING I wanted from this trip. I do deserve happiness, I thought - and cried blissful tears. I felt so much love for myself. Another time because I was somehow reminded of God. Stuff like that.

I saw so many beautiful things. Take a look at this stained glass window from Prague. I can only upload one photo because I'd exceed the file limit lol.

It's STUNNING. The amount of detail here. There were many windows like this in the cathedral and I cried because they reminded me of Infinity. Obviously they already have religious meaningful but to hell with the christian myths about Jesus and all  The BEAUTY made me remember God for a second. How beautiful I am...

Again, there were so many beautiful things I saw. The city of Prague overall was just 10/10, the architecture was AMAZING. The Schonbrunn Palace gardens in Vienna. LAKE BLED IN SLOVENIA. Venice at night, FUCK. The Burano Island near Venice. The shopping gallery and the Sforzesco Castle in Milan. The Alps in Switzerland and the wonderful city of Zurich...

I visited many cathedrals/basilicas, went to 2 GREAT art museums (dream come true, literally), visited good viewpoints in most places where I could see the cities in their glory (one of the best things to pay for).

Oh, I didn't even mention the people yet. Since I was mostly living in hostels, I had to pleasure to talk to SO MANY NEW PEOPLE. And they were SO COOOOOL. I was very extroverted on this journey (maybe even too much because now I feel like staying at home all day ) and really pushed myself to talk with others, especially in hostels. I made some new friends, listened to dozens of people and their stories, told my own stories and expressed myself, went to a bar together, a club, even a strip club lolllll. Btw I met @musicandmath111 in Vienna and we had a good time!

I ate great food, swam in the lake in Zurich, rode a bike... my accomodation was so nice. A guy was hosting me in Zurich for free (couchsurfing) and he was the best host I could ask for.

There is so much to say. I had so much fun.

-------------------------------------------------------

In conclusion, I had the best trip ever and I can't be more grateful.

Now I feel like going more inside myself, since I've been so extroverted during these 2 and a half weeks. And so I'm planning to do some work.

[link removed]

You deserve happiness too, my friends.

Edited December 9, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Give me the 50th post so I can add a signature already lol

[Sincerity]

Sometimes I wanna run myself to the ground. 

I'll indulge in activities harmful to my health and wellbeing just to spite myself. It's like saying "Fuck you" to the man I see in the mirror.

I wonder what's more probable: me surrendering and letting go or me killing myself. Well. I don't think I would ever do the latter but doing the former is just as far fetched considering how stubborn and willing to destroy myself I am.

It's funny. Being more willing to die rather than to die. Hahahahaha. How stupid.

Interesting how it works.

[Sincerity]

This hit close to home.

Many wise points in this video. I'm too tired to share my notes now.

I neglected my fears too much and they blew in my face. Not the first time it happened.

I hope I can be learn to be better to myself and respect my scared, negative little human "side". Which is ME of course.

I am scared. I am negative. I am hateful. I am ignorant. I am selfish. I am unmotivated. I am anxious. I am insecure. I am overthinking. I am indulging in fantasies. I am too tired to leave my bed. I am too weak to stop distracting myself. 

I am also good, courageous, open, determinated, joyful and all that stuff. That's ME too. But I can't ignore and deny the scared side and it's what might be fucking me up all the time.

Living in health and balance is fucking difficult, lol.

[Sincerity]

DETERMINATION

I love Celeste so much. It's so God damn difficult.

Why yes, I MUST play very hard games that annoy me for relaxation purposes. How can you tell?

Jokes aside, I feel like I've kinda lost myself recently. In a "bad" sense. No motivation to do anything meaningful, numbed out, filling myself with bad food and mindless content. Sometimes I wonder if there's even any hope for me to change my ways, to be honest.

Sometimes I'd rather not exist. (inb4 I will always exist --> well, I don't see it now, unfortunately)

Edited September 29, 2022 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Yesterday I had a blast with my college friends  I got drunk (not in an excessive way) and smoked some pot and enjoyed myself a lot.

I'm very glad I went. Darkness has been consuming me lately but here I managed to get out of my head and have genuine fun. Talked to a lot of people and socialized. I was even reminded of God and how I really desire to understand reality!

A tiny step towards reconnecting with my spirit.

[Sincerity]

Well, man was made for lovin', not for buyin'
Gold can't get the things we really need
Just look, my friends, there's happiness in livin'
Somewhere between broke and bein' free!

Did you ever see the funny side of losin'
Did you ever sit right down and have a cry
Did you ever take the time to help a neighbor
Just don't let the good life pass you by
Friend, don't let the good life pass you by

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...

[Sincerity]

Ego backlash is a bitch, man.

But I will muster up the strength sooner or later. I WILL break free. Or rather let go.

I can't reject myself forever.

[Sincerity]

Quote

I find love much like a mirror. When I love another, he becomes my mirror and I become his, and reflecting in each other's love we see infinity!

- from Leo Buscaglia's book "Love".

When I read this in the book this week I started shaking and crying. Then I went back to numbing myself hahaha.

Today I searched for definitions of magic. Some of them I found interesting:

• An extraordinary power or influence, seemingly from a supernatural source.
• A power that can make apparently impossible things happen.
• Something producing successful and remarkable results, especially when not fully understood.
• An illusory feat.

Doesn't this remind You of something?

Magic is:

• Extraordinary
• Inconceivable
• Ungraspable
• Enchanting
• Impossible (or is it?)
• Incredible
• Amazing

Much like Reality is... hmm 

[Sincerity]

Also today I watched Leo's solipsism video. I'm certain it's his most direct and powerful piece of work as of now.

When he released (and deleted) it in March I felt like I hadn't gone far enough with my work and that the message was too advanced for me then. But now that I've had my first Aloneness awakening I felt like I was ready. And I wasn't disappointed.

Profound shit. Made me recognize the Aloneness again, even a bit deeper this time! Made me cry too. Fuck, I am alone lol. It's 60% beautiful, 30% cool, 10% sad. And 100% me hahahaha. 

I wouldn't get as much from this video a few months ago for sure.

[Sincerity]

I need to get some thoughts and feelings off my chest.

Recently I've been regularly having suicidal thoughts. They are not serious and I'm not planning anything but I'm just so tired. Why does everything have to be so difficult? By that I mean, I feel like my mind is constantly working to my detriment. I'm so fucking done with this shit. Sometimes I really see no way out. Today during a walk I sat on a bench and the moment I became a bit more conscious and looked at my thoughts and emotional state I just cried. "How can I be doing this to myself...?"

You might notice that I cry pretty often. Yes, that is the case. Sometimes I cry from sadness, from powerlessness, from overwhelm. Other times I cry tears of joy and love. I'm pretty emotional. I feel like a rollercoaster, I can't find stability.

Emotions are one of my favourite things in life but too often I just can't deal with them well. I mean I'm blocking myself from feeling so often. This especially happens when I'm at my lowest, like right now.

Two weeks ago I realized Aloneness, Love for the first time. I also engaged in a dialogue with God. Two weeks later - I managed to almost completely numb myself and kill this voice inside me. By this I mean that I cut myself off - God is of course still there, probably waiting with pure love and acceptance. But I'm too afraid to leave the dark.

SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS NORMAL. For fucks sake. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE AREN'T INTERESTED IN THIS SHIT! Fucking good for them! Their minds are doing a great job of protecting them and they seem to be cooperating unlike me and myself! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This God damn awakening bullshit. FUCK!

I hate that everything has to be so difficult. I fucking HATE IT! I can't change for shit! Can't motivate myself to work hard, can't motivate myself to catch up on studying which I've neglected, can't muster up the strength to quit my numbing and destructive habits. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this!

Why, God? You fucking asshole... Maybe You can accept anything, but I can't. 

Dialogue with God my ass. Deluded idiot. That's exactly what I do.

It's freeing to know that I do have the choice to commit suicide if I want. There is always an escape hatch. Of course it's gonna take much before I use it but like... ultimately nothing matters. I can do whatever I want. God (AKA me) will completely understand.

Today I thought about it and when a person feels completely powerless and broken, the decision to commit suicide is actually an act of courage, a regaining of the power. Not that I'm that person but still. It takes true courage to kill yourself, really. It's almost admirable.

Note: don't take my ramblings about suicide seriously. And don't do it. Even though there's nothing wrong with it, it's still not the right choice.

Ehh. Really tho, don't take this seriously. I'm still gonna post it cuz I wanna vent but like REALLY. Don't kill yourself.

Another thing I've been thinking about recently: you know what's scarier than the thought of death? The thought of living for infinity. And the horrors you'll gonna go through. To me that's scarier.

I feel like it's my duty to accept that. It's part of my spiritual journey. Being willing to live through anything... man. I salute to those who are.

Ehhhhh. There is much sadness and anger in me. And I feel like I'm at my lowest. 

I smile at the idea of a better tomorrow. I think of all the people that sigh with tiredness but still work towards that thing they want or look forward towards that brighter future. Humans with their visions, aspirations and desires. It's inspiring and pitiful at the same time. Little finite children.

Goes without saying that I too am this little foolish child.

... Well.

I hope better things are on their way.