Fixing an Emo girl,childhood trauma, daddy issues,relationships for troubled people

[Tyler Robinson]

Fixing an Emo girl, traumatic childhood, daddy issues, relationships for troubled people 

(to clear things up a bit for starters, I didn't have daddy issues but I had trauma issues). 

I always looked for a caring father  figure in my relationships and I did act like a clingy needy girlfriend. But I don't see a problem with it unless it gets overbearing. 

What's the big deal if a guy acted like a father figure to me? I don't see the harm. I don't see the harm in him trying to fix me. If we're mutually sharing and caring for each other. 

The general conjecture from the tone of the forum is pretty much negative towards anyone who is dysfunctional, disordered, with Emo and trauma issues. I get that you guys come a pd(personal development) perspective so you're gonna be a bit hardcore (your time is precious and all that). 

But why is helping others such a bad deal? 

It would be incredibly judgemental in my perspective to simply discard a person or reject them because they have a history of trauma and not consider them fit for a relationship. 

Enlighten me here. I'm not talking about putting up with abuse, that's out of question and goes without saying. 

Yet, do you really believe that dysfunctional people don't deserve a chance at relationships? 

You could find a troubled man/woman and be their therapist, help them sort themselves out, be Empathetic(without tolerating abuse), accompany them to their therapy sessions, give them your love, babysit them, fix their life, help them find a new life and then happily grow with them. Why is this looked down upon? 

I understand that relationships should involve giving and receiving, sharing and mutual development. 

@Nilsi not trying to put you on the spot here (you could even tell me to remove this if you want), but your comment sort of motivated me to post this thread. I understand your perspective involves having a healthy relationship and not wasting time. As you stated in this comment. 

@Nilsi

 

We can have a broader discussion on this matter. 

This rhetoric is similar to "throwing the baby out with the bathwater" or "we don't want to accommodate disabled people because they don't serve our best interests or purpose." 

Although this attitude absolves you from serving the needs of the disadvantaged and the troubled, it is incredibly myopic because it almost becomes discriminatory towards dysfunctional people, bordering on treating them as outcasts and undeserving of love. 

I could easily see a problem with a person who doesn't want to help themselves, in such a case it's a waste of time trying so hard to fix them. 

But what's so wrong about someone who is willing to grow with you. Someone who wants to make it work. Why would you want to discard people simply because they have mental disorders or trauma. Maybe they're immature and needy in your eyes. Troubled, Emo, dysfunctional, disordered in your eyes. But you could guide them, work with them as though you're working on a project, support them and wait for them to heal and have a wonderful relationship with them. No? 

Wouldn't you be happier to know that you brought a positive impact in someone's life, you fixed them and they had a chance to grow with you. 

Why is trying to fix an Emo girl/boy looked down upon? Unhealthy people also deserve a chance. Have mercy. 

Your arguments are welcome. 

 

[NoSelfSelf]

Because fixing others you lose yourself in another person with not much progress in most cases...

You can call it love but self love is higher, you have to have love for yourself more than for anyone else...

The one taking a role of a fixer is usually a person that is desperate for love or attention of a partner they tend to have a low self worth so only way to get validation and love they are desperate to get, they try to fix someone because they cant or they dont try fix it in themselves and think they are lucky to have someone in their life, if they had other options you think they will put effort in fixing someone?....

[Loba]

I don't know... I happen to be similar to the women you're describing and I don't view myself as relationship material and try to avoid them because I value not wasting other people's time.  There was a window of opportunity in my early 20's, before things compounded too much, when if I had found the right guy my life would have taken a completely different turn.  But I wasted it on chasing the wrong person, thinking that their shitty behaviour towards me was a reflection on me not doing enough or being good enough.

I mean, I've always liked the idea of a guy being more dominant, taking the lead role and even helping me work through some of those things, but I feel too old for it now, it's time to pass the baton on to women who are younger, more capable of changing their lives around.  I hate to say it, but not everyone gets a happily ever after, this is the real world and in the real world people don't want to deal with someone who has a lot of problems.  Life is hard enough as it is without having to take on another person and having them add on to it.  Relationships should be about easing the struggle of life, not adding onto it.  And if you're a person who offers more problems than solutions, then you should just do the right thing and step aside.  Relationships aren't something you are just given, they take work, they take cooperation, and not everyone deserves them.  They are a responsibility.  When you get into a relationship with another person, you become responsible for them in some ways.

I think that people with a lot of problems can make great friends.  I happen to be a really good friend.  But in the arena of partnership, it's not really what I am meant for.  I mean, do I wish it was different?  That I could be?  Of course, but at the end of the day, I made certain choices in life, some were foist on me, but why should someone else be responsible for picking up the pieces?  It just seems like a shitty deal, and a lot of women have it in their minds that this is what men are supposed to do.  That they're supposed to be these dominant fixers, but they're just as lost as clueless and confused as the women they are dating.  If they weren't, they wouldn't be dating women like this in the first place.  No one goes out of their way to expend more energy than they need to.  Life is ruthless.  If you're fucked up, well... best to learn to live on your own.  You "might" get lucky and find someone who can put up with it - but they never should have to.  And usually they're just doing it because they are broken themselves in some way.  Broken people attract broken people, just like healthy people attract healthy people.

But have no fear, if you're screwed in the relationship arena like I am, there are still plenty of ways to find love.  I keep pets.  I give them wonderful little lives and dote on them all the time.  If you're someone who enjoys friendships, you can find many of the things you're looking for in friendships, and the great thing about them is that it is easier to put proper boundaries in a friendship so no one ever ends up offering or taking more than they should, if you have a decent family, then spending time with them is also nice.  And finally, we are all connected.  We have soul families and some of us even have soul partners, perhaps waiting on the other side for us to return home.  I think that it will work out for everyone in the end, it's just something you have to wait for, you know?

I don't know.  Personally, I would never allow myself to be vulnerable in a relationship again - it's just not going to happen.  I also don't think that relationships need to be the focal point of one's life and that there are many more things to do while here on this earth.

[Yarco]

I don't know if people are explicitly telling guys not go do it. I usually see it as a warning that they're getting into something difficult and will require a disproportionate amount of time and energy.

Not everybody is equipped to be that supportive. Especially since society tends to groom guys to not be emotional and caring 

I think anyone deserves some idea of what they're getting into. Like if you date a bipolar person you're probably going to get stuff thrown at you at some point and yelled at a lot. Then they can decide for themselves if they care about the person enough to make that sacrifice.

[Average Investor]

While I am very sympathetic to people who have dysfunctions, I would tend to avoid them in relationships moving forward. I have personally had a good amount of trauma and issues, but I have put some serious work into fixing them. I realize that I am not perfect and nor will any partner I get will be. 

In the past I dated a girl who had some serious abuse happen to her like a gun being put to her head etc. She was also adopted on top of that and lived with very abusive parents. I put in a lot of effort to work with her to do things like quit smoking, eating better, reading, etc. I am not sure what mental illness she had or even if she had any diagnosis now. It lead into all sorts of gaslighting, name calling, and other abuse from her. Not to mention, when I dumped her she basically threw out all of those things I helped her with an went back to smoking etc. 

I guess for me at this point I would have to ask myself why I could not date someone who is not dysfunctional and actually has their life together. I am building a solid foundation for my life and I plan to continue to improve myself. I want to to expect the same from the partner that I plan to invest a lot into. I also realize that this limits the amount of women I can be with more and more. However, I would rather be single than deal will all of that again. 

Another issue with this "saver" dynamic in a relationship is that it will eventually cause a big issue most likely. The partner that is healthy is going to want the other partner to reach that level as well. Someone riddled with those issues is going to have an issue with self-sabotage, which will eventually push away the healthier partner. Not to mention it would suggest someone has a self-esteem issue to date dysfunctional partners knowingly. 

I think this video could be helpful to express my thoughts on it:

 

[Tyler Robinson]

48 minutes ago, Yarco said:

I don't know if people are explicitly telling guys not go do it. I usually see it as a warning that they're getting into something difficult and will require a disproportionate amount of time and energy.

Not everybody is equipped to be that supportive. Especially since society tends to groom guys to not be emotional and caring 

I think anyone deserves some idea of what they're getting into. Like if you date a bipolar person you're probably going to get stuff thrown at you at some point and yelled at a lot. Then they can decide for themselves if they care about the person enough to make that sacrifice.

This was a balanced take. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

23 minutes ago, Average Investor said:

While I am very sympathetic to people who have dysfunctions, I would tend to avoid them in relationships moving forward. I have personally had a good amount of trauma and issues, but I have put some serious work into fixing them. I realize that I am not perfect and nor will any partner I get will be. 

In the past I dated a girl who had some serious abuse happen to her like a gun being put to her head etc. She was also adopted on top of that and lived with very abusive parents. I put in a lot of effort to work with her to do things like quit smoking, eating better, reading, etc. I am not sure what mental illness she had or even if she had any diagnosis now. It lead into all sorts of gaslighting, name calling, and other abuse from her. Not to mention, when I dumped her she basically threw out all of those things I helped her with an went back to smoking etc. 

I guess for me at this point I would have to ask myself why I could not date someone who is not dysfunctional and actually has their life together. I am building a solid foundation for my life and I plan to continue to improve myself. I want to to expect the same from the partner that I plan to invest a lot into. I also realize that this limits the amount of women I can be with more and more. However, I would rather be single than deal will all of that again. 

Another issue with this "saver" dynamic in a relationship is that it will eventually cause a big issue most likely. The partner that is healthy is going to want the other partner to reach that level as well. Someone riddled with those issues is going to have an issue with self-sabotage, which will eventually push away the healthier partner. Not to mention it would suggest someone has a self-esteem issue to date dysfunctional partners knowingly. 

I think this video could be helpful to express my thoughts on it:

 

Sorry to hear about that. But I don't think all dysfunctional people fall in the same box. Not everyone is going to abuse you. Some of them might genuinely improve with tender care and support. In your case I can definitely understand why you would be wary of such dynamics in the future. But that's only when a dysfunctional person is being abusive. I'm clear from the beginning that abusive people need to be avoided. But all trauma victims aren't abusive. 

[Average Investor]

@Tyler Robinson 

Of course I am against being abused. However, my claim is not that all people with trauma are abusive. 

Have you ever owned a pet that was abused and one that was not? Or a pet that didn't receive enough love versus one that did? 

Th amount of work and time it takes get the neglected pet to a more normal level is much more. Many hours of dedicated love and attention it will take to help bring it up to where a loved pet is. Humans are pretty similar to this. There are plenty of amazing people out there, but when I am thinking about an investment of maybe years or decades of healing for them it makes it a easier to choice to avoid. The problem with humans is they are much more complex, than pets are. 

Every human has some trauma though as well. It will just be in varying degrees of it. Some people will be much better equipped at handling it as well. So navigating that is really what a lot of it will come down to. 

For me in my life I want to continue to develop myself higher and higher, developmentally and spiritually. It would be counter productive to select partners that are dealing with lots of trauma as that will limit the amount of growth they can do until they heal. 

[Tyler Robinson]

2 hours ago, JoeVolcano said:

Isn't it interesting that when it's a guy with mommy issues, then he's "just pathetic and weak"? Maybe that's not how you'd put it. But you would still reject him.

There's a lot to unpack here. I don't perceive guys with mommy issues as undesirable. I just find them incompatible, not undesirable. Which means that they could find a mommy type of girl who is Older and dominating, and I'm sure such dominating bossy women might find such men compatible and desirable since they are always looking to mommy someone. But I'm not that type. I'm quite submissive so I won't be compatible with a submissive guy with mommy issues. I won't reject him on the basis of undesirability but on the basis of incompatibility. But I won't say that nobody should date him. 

The post was neither about desirability nor compatibility. If you reject someone for their trauma issues, you could be rejecting even if they are physically attractive or desirable. You're rejecting them because you see them as a burden to deal with. 

The post was specifically made in response to Nilsi making the comment " I'm not going to waste my time by trying to form a relationship with immature, needy, troubled people. Im not at a point in my life, where I'm willing to waste my time, trying to fix some troubled girl with daddy issues. I think that this statement is not very wholesome. I don't see why being with a troubled person is such a crime. I feel there is a condemning tone to this kind of a thought. Some troubled people with issues are hard to deal with and I do not deny this. Yet there are many people with issues that can easily heal with some amount of support and help and empathy. So if a guy is putting some effort into improving his troubled or trauma ridden girlfriend and giving her support and she heals from her troubles and they have a great life together, I don't see how this could be condemned. I would look at this guy as a hero. It would be a great example of showing compassion and empathy to a partner and helping them to live their best life. I absolutely see no problem with this. 

Similarly if I were to date a guy who is an addict or alcoholic and who has depression issues, I wouldn't consider him a basket case or a waste of my time. If I like him for his other attributes, I don't see why I should have a problem in having him as a boyfriend, I would be glad and willing to help him with his addiction issues rather than condemn him for it. I would do my best to help him heal.. If my love and care and compassion can help him change his dysfunctional behavior and help him cope and become better, I would feel like a hero and I would be very happy to have made a positive difference in his life. 

 

2 hours ago, JoeVolcano said:

Would you tell that guy there's no harm as long as it doesn't get overbearing? What's the big deal if a girl is just caring for him?

Yea of course. There's absolutely no problem with the girl caring for him imo. I would actually admire the girl who cares for him in that way. To see his worries or concerns as a burden would be selfish. 

 

2 hours ago, JoeVolcano said:

The harm is in not acknowledging that it is dysfunctional and will lead to problems, and in trying to absolve yourself from addressing it.

Something is dysfunctional only when it's really harmful. Most people have problems and nobody is perfect. A person can be dysfunctional but they can have amazing qualities. Like a guy with anger issues. He could be an amazing guy except when he is angry. This can be fixed with therapy. A supportive partner who is non judgemental can help him get over his anger issues. Give him space to heal. Help him out. I don't find condemning such people fair. 

2 hours ago, JoeVolcano said:

I agree everyone deserves a loving relationship. The difference is just between actually helping someone, or being an enabler. And it has to work for both parties involved. That's where things get very tricky very fast.

If you're enabling a person and letting them run riot, you aren't actually helping them. You're making it worse. But I was specifically talking about being a compassionate support system and helping a troubled person, like giving them love and encouragement. It takes effort but if you love a person, the effort won't be too painful. You would feel rewarded to see your partner healed. So it would be worth the effort. 

2 hours ago, JoeVolcano said:

It's not fair, I know. The truth is nobody cares. If you don't care about a pathetic weak guy who can't dominate you in the sack, then why should he care about your daddy issues?

This is about desirability. Maybe a dominant woman doesn't want a dominant guy in the bed. She might be happy with such a guy and not see him as weak. You're conflating two things. A girl can be super sexy and cute and physically attractive and still have trauma and anger issues. But the guy can help her heal and continue to have a productive life with her. 

2 hours ago, JoeVolcano said:

IF you happen to have a relationship where both parties do care and are actually capable of being there for eachother in a way that works for everyone, THEN that is super awesome and those two people should consider themselves extremely lucky.

This is every good relationship. 

[Tyler Robinson]

2 minutes ago, Average Investor said:

Th amount of work and time it takes get the neglected pet to a more normal level is much more. Many hours of dedicated love and attention it will take to help bring it up to where a loved pet is. Humans are pretty similar to this. There are plenty of amazing people out there, but when I am thinking about an investment of maybe years or decades of healing for them it makes it a easier to choice to avoid. The problem with humans is they are much more complex, than pets are. 

Every

Well let's just say there's not much abundance in this perspective because you are very fixated on what you're losing. On the other hand people who are deeply Empathetic and generous and abundant, big hearted ones won't mind spending a chunk of time to see their partner healed. For them it would be worth it. Nothing wrong with your perspective though. But also nothing wrong with devoting ones time and effort to pull someone out of their misery. It's an act of deep love and compassion. 

[Ulax]

My honest perspective is that your words read as a redemption narrative imo.

The fixing of the other partner in the relationship seems to me to be parts re-enacting what they dreamed would happen with one of their caregivers/ attachment figures growing up.

I think the advice is usually, when healthy, to ensure that when in poor mental health you do not choose to engage in a trauma-bonded relationship instead of seeking out therapeutic solutions. Also, trauma-bonded relationships, to my mind, are much more likely to lead to unhealthy events occurring. However, I have heard that where two partners both have coping mechanisms and communicate well with each other, they can have a pretty healthy relationship in spite of their mental health.

[Tyler Robinson]

3 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

The one taking a role of a fixer is usually a person that is desperate for love or attention of a partner they tend to have a low self worth so only way to get validation and love they are desperate to get, they try to fix someone because they cant or they dont try fix it in themselves and think they are lucky to have someone in their life, if they had other options you think they will put effort in fixing someone?....

Myopic view. I was once a fixer for my ex. He had depression. I wasn't trying to get love or attention. Nor was I looking for validation. I wasn't looking for anything. I simply wanted to help him so I could pull him out of his misery. This was purely my compassion and good intent to see him heal.. There was no benefit for me. I worked hard for him for 6 months, helped him deal with his depression, gave him emotional support and he slowly recovered. I felt happy for him. 

Sometimes people don't do things for validation or something in return, they simply do it to see others happy.. To put a smile on their face. 

[Tyler Robinson]

2 minutes ago, Ulax said:

My honest perspective is that your words read as a redemption narrative imo.

The fixing of the other partner in the relationship seems to me to be parts re-enacting what they dreamed would happen with one of their caregivers/ attachment figures growing up.

I think the advice is usually, when healthy, to ensure that when in poor mental health you do not choose to engage in a trauma-bonded relationship instead of seeking out therapeutic solutions. Also, trauma-bonded relationships, to my mind, are much more likely to lead to unhealthy events occurring. However, I have heard that where two partners both have coping mechanisms and communicate well with each other, they can have a pretty healthy relationship in spite of their mental health.

I wouldn't recommend a trauma afflicted person to be involved with someone who is disordered. Because that's a double whammy. Two disordered dysfunctional people making it harder for each other. No way. But I can imagine a perfectly healthy normal mentally fit  smart man engaging with a traumatized disordered woman and helping her heal, even providing her therapy or being her guide and therapist and helping her get better, giving her hope and a new life where she is at least partially recovered and able to have a proper (if not amazing) sustainable relationship with him forever.

Aka her prince charming in doctors uniform. 

Can be possible. 

 

[Ulax]

5 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

I wouldn't recommend a trauma afflicted person to be involved with someone who is disordered. Because that's a double whammy. Two disordered dysfunctional people making it harder for each other. No way. But I can imagine a perfectly healthy normal mentally fit  smart man engaging with a traumatized disordered woman and helping her heal, even providing her therapy or being her guide and therapist and helping her get better, giving her hope and a new life where she is at least partially recovered and able to have a proper (if not amazing) sustainable relationship with him forever.

Aka her prince charming in doctors uniform. 

Can be possible. 

 

Oh I see. I thought you saying that two traumatised people could work together.

I could imagine that being possible. Although I don't know why the non-traumatised person would choose to engage romantically with the traumatised person. I don't think their attachment styles would mirror so as to create a relationship. However, I don't know too much about this situation.

Curious for sure.

[Tyler Robinson]

1 hour ago, Yarco said:

I don't know if people are explicitly telling guys not go do it. I usually see it as a warning that they're getting into something difficult and will require a disproportionate amount of time and energy.

Not everybody is equipped to be that supportive. Especially since society tends to groom guys to not be emotional and caring 

I think anyone deserves some idea of what they're getting into. Like if you date a bipolar person you're probably going to get stuff thrown at you at some point and yelled at a lot. Then they can decide for themselves if they care about the person enough to make that sacrifice.

Yea. Happened to me. I dated a bipolar maniac and one day  he told me that he would peel off my skin and turn it into an umbrella. Glad that I took it as a joke. 

Not dating someone like Kanye West who is famously bipolar. Look what he did to Pete Davidson and Pete is Borderline. Pete is in therapy now. 

That kinda situation is messed up as fuck. 

Although I'm always attracted to bipolar guys, I think I should be slightly careful next time. I should be better at negotiating the bad stuff that might happen at some point inadvertently. 

I mean both bipolar men I dated gave me death threats lol, my bad. 

 

[Ulax]

10 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Yea. Happened to me. I dated a bipolar maniac and one day  he told me that he would peel off my skin and turn it into an umbrella. Glad that I took it as a joke. 

@Tyler Robinson

Was he being serious at the time?

Edited August 12, 2022 by Ulax

[Tyler Robinson]

3 minutes ago, Ulax said:

@Tyler Robinson

Was he being serious at the time?

At first I thought it was a joke. 

The next day he hinted that he was actually wanting to kill me and wasn't able to control his anger. That's when I realized that he was being serious. 

He apologized for mistreating me on the same day but I was already done with him. I couldn't take his mind games anymore. It was too much along with his bipolar manic rage and delusions. 

 

[Ulax]

@Tyler Robinson Jheez that sounds intense af. Scary too.

My ex best-friend was bipolar. Was really disturbing to see how he would change in his actions.

He had this agitation during his manic periods when he was out with me which were really anxiety provoking. Felt like the dude just wasn't inhibited enough.

[Tyler Robinson]

@Ulax I see. They can get unhinged and violent. My mother is bipolar. 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Tyler Robinson You are deluding yourself you were benefiting from it you just are not aware of egos selfish masked ways but good for you for sticking for him...

No no no people alwaaayss do things to benefit themselves otherwise they wont be doing it...

Thats why nice guys or girls are dangerous dishonest most selfish of them all..