Loneliness

[Sukhpaal]

Hi guys, I have been wondering what to do about solving loneliness. For the past 4 or 5 years, I have always become depressed at certain times of the year because I felt this huge emptiness because I felt alone. I noticed it started happening when I got out of my last relationship and it just won't go away. Its become a big problem because it has been ruining my life satisfaction. I feel that I am being super needy but I do not know how to iron out these problems. I have been meditating for 6 months and this feeling just will not go away. Any tips guys? Thanks.

Edit: I always find ways to stay inside my home. I always fear going out. I am assuming that is part of the problem?

Edited February 11, 2017 by Sukhpaal

[Trond]

Try to get a sense of what you're looking for in a relationship or what you've had before. Are you looking for someone to rely on, someone to "make you whole", did you find you had to change who you are in your relationships for them to like you? 

Thing is, a partner should be there to love you for exactly who you are without trying to change you into how they want you to be, behave, look etc. This will lead to the downfall of almost all relationships, and then depression or loneliness can follow. Because of the fact that you were being challenged in the relationship, often in subtly ways that are overlooked in the early phase with the first love you feel. As this diminishes you might start to see these things and conflicts arise. 

You say you feel you're being needy. Is this needy towards having someone to be there for you or needy to ask this question in this forum? 

As to your meditation, try to see that you ARE whole right now, just by being you. You don't need anyone else to be happy with who you are. When you come to know this, then you'll be a lot happier in a relationship because it will be more the way I mentioned in the start. So, I'm not saying this to make you NOT have relationships(because you can be happy alone), just because you need to see that first. Accept yourself fully, all your flaws and all your good sides. And maybe not "seek" to hard for a relationship, that might often lead to the wrong ones. 

Yeah, if you're already in a quite lonely place, as you say, it's won't make it better to stay at home. But that will fade away once you're able to accept yourself. I guess putting yourself out there is a way to do it as well. Just like putting yourself in social situations if you're having anxiety problems, will slowly make them disappear. Kinda the straightforward approach. Your fear going out probably comes from being let down in previous relationships, so you need to let the past be the past. 

I'm not a relationship expert or a dating advice guy or anything like that. Just thought I should try and help however I can. As to what specifically you can do with meditation to help with this, I can't tell you. You just have to keep at it and "dig through" it yourself. 

Anyway, I hope that you got something from this. I've never been in a relationship myself, but I haven't really had a desire for that either. I prefer solitude and my own company. Not to say I don't like being with friends or socialise, it's just the way I am and I accept that. More so after I started this spiritual work. 

So, again, hope this helps somewhat  

[Leo Gura]

@Sukhpaal Be more social.

But also keep meditating.

Don't try to use meditation to avoid real-world action. That's misuse of meditation.

[Martha77]

Hi just had to comment on ur post . I am 39 (women ) that's is  in the not so happily ever after marriage .but just from watching Leo's videos had been a life and mind changing I'm still in working progress and I see the videos over and over and every time I'm learning some thing new and its helped me from depression because I thought that my husband was the only man in the world that I had thoughts of killing myself for him... But thank God and thanks to Leo I can live life the way I want.. I'm still married but as soon as I can afford a place of my own I'm gone.. Just keep busy try doing new things...hobbies.. Remember I'm still working on progress I still have a long way to go..but do start taking baby steps... And take care..

[Sukhpaal]

@Tronds World@Leo Gura Thanks guys! Really appreciate it.

[Sukhpaal]

@Martha77 I wish you the best of luck on your process. Thanks for the insight!

[Nahm]

Your loneliness could be solved by your practices. Excercise and meditate daily. 

The excercise will change your social confidence, and change the chemical make up that is giving you the lonely perspective. 

[Martin123]

@Sukhpaal Loneliness = emotion. Not a physical phenomenon. I can feel lonely in a crowd of friends.
WHat I have come to understand in my own journey is that the source of my loneliness is abandonment trauma from when I was very young. This doesn't mean your mother died or anything, it can be very subtle.
To the child abandonment = death.
That creates a whole life-long reaction to it, your whole life you will be living accordingly just so to avoid this emotion until it is dealt with.
My remedy for loneliness = spend time alone as much as I can, as much its driving me nuts at times. Now healing can take place.

[GeorgeLawson]

12 hours ago, Sukhpaal said:

Hi guys, I have been wondering what to do about solving loneliness. For the past 4 or 5 years, I have always become depressed at certain times of the year because I felt this huge emptiness because I felt alone. I noticed it started happening when I got out of my last relationship and it just won't go away. Its become a big problem because it has been ruining my life satisfaction. I feel that I am being super needy but I do not know how to iron out these problems. I have been meditating for 6 months and this feeling just will not go away. Any tips guys? Thanks.

Edit: I always find ways to stay inside my home. I always fear going out. I am assuming that is part of the problem?

I'm quite glad you brought this up, because loneliness has been one of my biggest life challenges so far. As an introvert, I like to spend a lot of time on my own; meditating, reading, writing, playing music, etc. But I find that if I spend too much time on my own then I can fall into loneliness and depression, because there are other people I need to fill this 'emptiness' as you put it. This is why I have also struggled with neediness in my relationships. 

That said, I would insist that you don't feel in any way ashamed of this emptiness. It's actually a very spiritual thing that has been referred to by spiritual traditions as the 'void.' This is why meditation is hell sometimes, because it's just you and yourself, naked and open to reality and nothingness. If you stick with that though you can reach a breakthrough where you transcend the need to 'belong' - this either happens or it doesn't.

Like Leo said though, don't use meditation to avoid real-world interaction. It's not a substitute for socialising but it can allow you the solitude you need to purge the neediness that comes from surrounding yourself with company all the time. In solitude you choose to be alone, but in loneliness you resist it. 

In summary, it's about striking the right solitude-company balance for you. Some people will naturally thrive spending their lives in the company of others, whilst other people, (myself included), will cultivate a creative existence out of our desire to be alone. Whichever way we switch our dials though, it seems that we all need both when push comes to shove. 

[Nahm]

You might have seasonal defective order, if it's winter / hotter days where you are. I use a s.a.d. Light every morning on the treadmill. I get photons from it that in the summer months I get from the sun. It might be a simple solutions for you. Taking vitamin D could help also. Nothing replaces excercise though when it comes to depression. THat's just hard because if you're already depressed, it's hard to get your mind to where you want to excercise. For this, prime yourself. Watch YouTube on hot chicks working out or something to get your probability to align with excercise.

 

[Life Coach]

I have this always too during the winter when the sun is rarely out and it's cold. Then I get really depressed and really lazy, I can't do shit in those times. It's a really disfunctional phase. Only videogames can fix this they bring me safely through those times.

You gotta plan your year like I do. I plan extra so that i can take my winter free and do absolutely nothing while in the rest of the year I kick ass. January and february are the worst for me, every year. But don't worry mate, it's kinda ntural. Nothing to worry about....I think.

[Samuel Garcia]

@Sukhpaal When I am in crowds, I feel lonely particularly because I struggle to socialize as I have Asperger's Syndrome. But when I am by myself at home, I don't feel lonely. Why? Because when I am alone I am free; I can express my emotions. Try this: when you are alone at home put on music you like and dance and sing to it -- and see how you feel when you self-express. Find ways to express yourself in other ways and see what happens. Perhaps you could feel your emotions fully (and even cry) and see how you feel.

Also I would strongly recommend try to 'commit to something bigger than yourself' as Tony Robbins says. Go find some sort of volunteering -- whether with it is with children, feeding homeless people, fundraising etc. Find something meaningful to you and see what happens to your loneliness. All the best   

[Samuel Garcia]

@Leo Gura Isn't socializing in a way just patching up the loneliness? Wouldn't real growth come from detaching from the need for to feel complete from other people?

[Sukhpaal]

Thanks everyone for the help! You guys are awesome

[Leo Gura]

3 hours ago, Samuel Garcia said:

@Leo Gura Isn't socializing in a way just patching up the loneliness? Wouldn't real growth come from detaching from the need for to feel complete from other people?

Not necessarily.

In this case, it sounds like there's an avoidance of socialization.

Meditation could easily become a patching up of stuff too. For example, one might think, "I don't need a job. I'll just meditate all day." And that would be rather irresponsible unless you really know what you're doing.

If you take a look at some of the most hardcore yogis, they're great at socializing.

[Peace and Love]

@Sukhpaal

21 hours ago, Sukhpaal said:

Hi guys, I have been wondering what to do about solving loneliness. For the past 4 or 5 years, I have always become depressed at certain times of the year because I felt this huge emptiness because I felt alone. I noticed it started happening when I got out of my last relationship and it just won't go away. Its become a big problem because it has been ruining my life satisfaction. I feel that I am being super needy but I do not know how to iron out these problems. I have been meditating for 6 months and this feeling just will not go away. Any tips guys? Thanks.

Edit: I always find ways to stay inside my home. I always fear going out. I am assuming that is part of the problem?

You said the f word.......FEAR!   It sounds like you created some type of childhood vow or subconscious belief about socializing and being around other people. It's time to do some inner work and investigation.  Leo is right.  Meditation is awesome, but don't use it as a reason to hide or an excuse to not go outside.  You need to create some BALANCE.  It's time to balance out your social life, and other areas if needed.   It's time to work on self love and self esteem.   Why do you need a relationship to feel satisfied?  Did this only happen with this specific relationship?  Or has this been going on with other dating relationships as well?  Start searching within.  Socializing is apart of personal development.

I understand your pain, I've been where you are.  I've had my set of experiences where I would literally pine over a guy I missed or broke up with.  But I noticed when I socialized more, and got out and kept busy, worked on my life purpose, exercised, eat right, etc...those things started to go away.    If it's winter time depending on where you live you may have seasonal depression...maybe....  I'm not a doctor, and I'm certainly not diagnosing! lol...I have the same problem, because I have a lack of vitamin D.  Supplements don't seem to work for me at all.  I've been resorting to tanning booths unfortunately but it seems to be working.  Apparently I need the sunlight...even if it's artificial in some way shape or form.

I know you can do this! You have the POWER to change your life and experience SUCCESS!  Good luck on your journey!

[Sukhpaal]

@Peace and Love  Thanks for taking time out of your day and helping me! I think you're right. Thanks again!

[Nahm]

On 2/11/2017 at 0:32 PM, Life Coach said:

I have this always too during the winter when the sun is rarely out and it's cold. Then I get really depressed and really lazy, I can't do shit in those times. It's a really disfunctional phase. Only videogames can fix this they bring me safely through those times.

You gotta plan your year like I do. I plan extra so that i can take my winter free and do absolutely nothing while in the rest of the year I kick ass. January and february are the worst for me, every year. But don't worry mate, it's kinda ntural. Nothing to worry about....I think.

Have you tried a sad light? 

I experienced exactly what your're describing, but not at all since I started using the light years ago.

[Khin]

 @Sukhpaal loneliness is from selfishness.