3g mushroom trip

[Adilbek]

It is my fourth overall trip. The first was 0.8g, two others were 2g, and this one a 3g. I was afraid of doing it. Finally I convinced myself to do it. I brewed the tea but was reluctant to start. Then I took two sips, and about 20-30 minutes after, sipped another 1g worth volume-wise. Started my Johns Hopkins playlist. And then I was there, almost accepted the fact that I will not finish the whole 3 grams. After all, 3 grams is something serious, different altogether, it means I take this thing seriously and want to go deep. And then a thought came: "Are you going to do things halfway all your life?". And then my hand lifted the cup and emptied it. A sense of triumph - I drank the cup to the end, and I don't give a fuck what happens now. I did the whole 3 grams, I am not fucking around anymore. I paid the price, and now let God take care of me".

Meanwhile a realization came, with a sense of sexual arousal, that I want to become a Man, fully, sexually. That a man fucks, that's a definition of a man. So fuck I must. 

Then I tried to answer questions I jotted down before the trip. "What holds me back?". The answer came - whatever I think holds me back will hold me back. At this point the meanings that were forming the backbone of my understanding of the world became as important and as non-important as any other meaning out there. I think now that that's what solidifies the ego/psyche - a set of meanings that are somehow more important than other meanings, while mushrooms temporarily erases that difference. It's like a nomad's house - it's made of sticks that hold the structure together. But what makes these sticks so important and different from any other stick is that it serves the purpose, otherwise it's just as good a stick as any other, nothing special about it. And so is with meanings - I collect some and hold on to them, so I think these meanings are special, but they are only so because I made them that way. The questions I wrote down and answers:

- How to return my feelings in my relationships?

- I need to have sex more often, that's the whole idea of relationships - sex, otherwise it has no meaning". Sex is what holds it together.

- What to do with my relationships?

- *There is no right answer to that question.* That's the scariest part of all, that I am the Creator. Not God or anything, just the creator of meaning. I decide what meaning something has or doesn't have. Out of the multitude, I pick one and assign it. Nothing is written in stone. And if it is, it will still be according to someone. 

Another realization came. I noticed that everything is true, and everything is happening at once. That all interpretations of realities exist together and it's impossible to say "how something is". It will be an interpretation. Because it is "many ways at the same time". On the one hand I drugged myself laying on the bed, and just having a trip. And after the trip I will tell "the story of how the trip was". But on the other hand, it's just one set of meanings out of many that could be picked and prioritized, but there's no any specific reason why I'd pick that set of interpretations and not another. There is space for everything all at once, and there's no contradiction whatsoever. Because I was at the same time absolutely sober and could live my life normally even at that state if I wanted to, but at the same time I was tripping and intoxicated. But the sober reality is somehow embedded absolutely seamlessly into the "trip" reality. It's like embedding a youtube video inside a web page or app. Just because the video is embedded, it has no bearing on the content of the video - the characters in the video don't care or know that they are somehow embedded in something, the video doesn't care, it's still the same regardless. But now the context of the video is different, but it can only be seen from the perspective of the looker of the webpage. 

I looked at my hands, twisting my wrist looked like it was a grapevine or some kind of tree. It was bizarre. I then looked at my arms, these sticks attached to me. The feet and the nails on the ends of them, like an animal's. I felt like my body is an animal's body, with animal instincts and all. Like a cat that is just being a cat, with paws and needs of its own, just trying to satisfy its desires in the world. I looked through the eyes as if I'm in a cockpit of an underwater explorer like James Cameron. 

I was jotting things down on the paper and a moment came when I - or rather the body-mind - started crying and weeping in absolute love and pity of myself. It was seen why they say - life is suffering. I was suffering. This shit, doing this shit, whatever I was doing all this time - is a fucking grind, it is suffering. If you think about it, why would it be suffering? Why is life suffering - it's such a random thing to say. Life can be joy, sadness and everything in between, sure suffering is part of it, but "life is suffering" always sounded a bit over dramatic to me. But in that moment I saw that I was hurting, unhappy, and suffering. That I despise myself from the bottom of my heart, that I don't want myself to be happy or fulfilled, that I am scared of happiness. That I live life in a half-ass way, not for real, but at the same time, all this time, life was living me for real. That I live a lie, not in truth. Then a thought emerged. I will die. I will really really die. I'm not a bad guy, there's a lot of goodness in me, but I will still die. It just became clear for a moment. I noticed a feeling that I am not worth to be happy. And that's the first lense through which all else is seen. Not worth to be the leader, the first in line. Maybe fourth or at least second, but first - no. There is a kind of dismissal of myself happening. Then at the corner of my soul, curled up was this feeling that "it's not it", not what I'm looking for, I need something else.  

Weeping still, a howling cry came out of my chest. It's the weary traveler, a little child tired of all this burden, finally allowed to drop the heavy backpack. I went to the washroom, and stopped at the mirror, staring myself in the eye. I was not scared. I closed the door and said - hey whatever demons or whoever else is there, come out here, I'm not scared, let's hang out, why do I need to be scared of you? I want to meet you. And I gave myself high-fives, and started wiping the mirror with a cleanex. And I did whatever else, just having fun. And I remember just asking - who is this creature or thing and why am I it? I stood up and walked many times, weeping. But those were good tears, I felt it, as if something pouring out of me.

As my playlist was ending, there are some songs with vocals at the end. And I decided that I want to die with a song in my throat, singing Life when it comes the time for me to leave the stage. Check out Mercedes Sosa - Gracias A La Vida. A song will be my prayer and gift

Leaving this unedited as not to tarnish this tale with the rational of what it "should" be.       

 

  

          

 

 

    

[blankisomeone]

On 10/08/2022 at 3:21 AM, Adilbek said:

and I don't give a fuck what happens now

Ew? that attitude... ?

i did shrooms first time and felt love and connection to life. Then I tried again twice and I just feel nauseous and hungry and alone ugggh. Life’s not fun

Edited August 13, 2022 by blankisomeone

[RendHeaven]

I relate strongly to your post. Beautiful reflection

I have a document full of goals and stats written out, with my life purpose statement stamped at the very top. Right underneath my life purpose statement, there is this addendum:

"I will give everything that I have in every domain of life I ever interface with. I will never half-ass ANYTHING, "leaving it all on the court," so to speak. I will not hold back or restrict my authenticity, self-expression, or highest potential. I will become independent and self-sufficient so that I can protect, defend, and support others so that I honor whatever life has to offer beyond the rat-race of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain."

Edited August 13, 2022 by RendHeaven

[Adilbek]

@RendHeaven Thank for your reply. This is a beautiful statement you have there

[Breakingthewall]

very beautiful and authentic story, of self-knowledge, emotional liberation, acceptance. surely your life is lighter from now on