Do you need deep friends?

[Devin]

    I don't think you do. I've been being picky about who I start friendships with for taking relationships beyond being friendly acquaintances, I was hoping to find a few deep guys for being good friends and I haven't. I no longer think I likely will, but I also no longer think I need them to be deep, just relatively positive.

    Should I hold out to find deeper guys to be friends with? I take friendships seriously, I don't like getting close to people and then leaving, and I also don't like the idea of just having a ton of barely friends, so this is a more important decision to me than you might think.

Thanks

[Gesundheit2]

Deep friendship is different from a strong friendship. The former consists of highly developed people getting together, sharing ideas, having a similar vision, building towards a better future, etc. While the latter is a fantasy that people with unresolved childhood trauma are obsessed with.

[Tyler Robinson]

It's hard to find really deep friends. Especially because of the internet. People drop you at the click of a button. Try to find communities where people resonate with your thoughts. 

I had many friends that I lost because they simply forgot or lost attachment. 

Or they were never friends to begin with, simply pretending to be. 

I would describe a deep friendship as someone who doesn't judge you, respects you, is available when you need them, doesn't betray you, doesn't ghost you and does not want for superficial reasons or clout chasing. 

It's hard because most people won't stick around. 

 

[Hugo Oliveira]

Good topic! I've been contemplating it a lot recently. 

I think I'm deeply missing strong connections for years. I have many people who like me, that can offer companionship, fun and support but these people for some reason dont' fulfill my need for deep connection. Even my girlfriend with whom I have a lot of intimacy and love. I don't feel 100% at home in her presence. 

Yesterday a very close friend from childhood visited me. He is a super dumb person most of the time and we don't share the same values. But man, his presence was such medicine! We went through similar struggles in life and I feel like he totally understands and accepts me. 

Recently, I was developing this kind of deeper relationship with other people. But I got a bit frustrated with them disappearing for a while and coming back later as if nothing happened. I decided to set some boundaries. Like you said, "I don't like getting close to people and then leaving". 

[Hugo Oliveira]

5 hours ago, Devin said:

Should I hold out to find deeper guys to be friends with? I take friendships seriously, I don't like getting close to people and then leaving, and I also don't like the idea of just having a ton of barely friends, so this is a more important decision to me than you might think.

Answering your question, I think this is a thing you can't control and you should accept and honor the way in which friends present themselves in your life.

From another perspective, I think we all can present "neediness" if we are missing connections. If you want to strengthen yourself and your life by having significant allies, I recommend expanding your socialization and finding out these people. Do it if you resonate and if you have the energy available to put this work into practice. 

[Danioover9000]

@Devin

6 hours ago, Devin said:

    I don't think you do. I've been being picky about who I start friendships with for taking relationships beyond being friendly acquaintances, I was hoping to find a few deep guys for being good friends and I haven't. I no longer think I likely will, but I also no longer think I need them to be deep, just relatively positive.

    Should I hold out to find deeper guys to be friends with? I take friendships seriously, I don't like getting close to people and then leaving, and I also don't like the idea of just having a ton of barely friends, so this is a more important decision to me than you might think.

Thanks

   With this issue, we can only speak from our perspective and experiences so far, so for me it's not needed. I fulfill myself more deeper than a friendship can.

[Tyler Robinson]

Just now, Danioover9000 said:

@Devin

    I fulfill myself more deeper than a friendship can.

And how do you do it? 

[Devin]

1 minute ago, Danioover9000 said:

@Devin

   With this issue, we can only speak from our perspective and experiences so far, so for me it's not needed. I fulfill myself more deeper than a friendship can.

I've been feeling the same way, I don't view friendship as a need anymore I view it more as an adventure and way to love, which is why I'm questioning my way of selecting friends.

[Loba]

Sometimes I feel lonely, like, I think people are supposed to develop connections.  Without them our lives don't have as much meaning.  When I was younger I had some very close friendships and I miss those, but it's hard to develop the same level of bonding that you get when you meet someone as a teen and then grow up with them.  It's just not the same, I have too much history, too much shit has gone down and I don't feel like having to go through the whole rigmarole again just so someone "gets" me.  But it's hard, you know.  I don't need like, a bunch of friends, but having people to hang out with sometimes would be nice.

I guess I kind of feel like I don't deserve friends, that I'm too much of a loser and a fuck up and I wouldn't want to spread my pointless life and lack of fortitude onto anyone else.  I feel lowkey evil, like spoiled and ruined on the inside and I don't think if I was my true self that anyone would really want to be around me.  When people try to get close I get confused and avoid them, even though that's not really what I want - so I end up causing this loneliness for myself.

Despite it "sometimes" hurting me, that's only on an off day, usually I just stuff those emotions aside and go on with my day.  Peruse this website and YouTube, pay extra attention to my pets, stuff like that.  Boring introvert stuff.  For the past few days this loneliness has been kind of gnawing at me a bit, and I spent some time looking at my old friends to see what they were up to, and some of them have families, they've done stuff with their lives, you know?  I just don't wanna bother them.  It reminded me that no matter where you are, life goes on, and there's nothing you can really do about it other than try your best to cope with what you've got.

I think a lot of people in the world could use some deep friends, but I just don't think that humans really know how to be friends to one another.  I think that it's kind of an unobtainable dream, like perfect romance, or staying beautiful for the rest of your life.  Friendships are easy and fun when you're a child, but with the responsibilities of adult life, it's not so easy to find and or maintain them.  At this point, I don't even know that I want to.  I think with more repression and work I can cut off that need like a gangrenous limb and will fare okay, but it's not ideal.  I don't think being on one's own in this world is ideal for anyone and if you feel that it is, you're probably just lying to yourself.

I'm not friendship material.  I get it, and I'm almost over it.  And at the end of the day, most other people aren't either.  We don't live in a connected world, it's displaced, it's an epidemic.  Humans will eventually be little islands to themselves, in a sea of other little islands, surrounded by one another, but never truly seeing each other.  That's our destiny.

 

[Devin]

34 minutes ago, Loba said:

Sometimes I feel lonely, like, I think people are supposed to develop connections.  Without them our lives don't have as much meaning.  When I was younger I had some very close friendships and I miss those, but it's hard to develop the same level of bonding that you get when you meet someone as a teen and then grow up with them.  It's just not the same, I have too much history, too much shit has gone down and I don't feel like having to go through the whole rigmarole again just so someone "gets" me.  But it's hard, you know.  I don't need like, a bunch of friends, but having people to hang out with sometimes would be nice.

I guess I kind of feel like I don't deserve friends, that I'm too much of a loser and a fuck up and I wouldn't want to spread my pointless life and lack of fortitude onto anyone else.  I feel lowkey evil, like spoiled and ruined on the inside and I don't think if I was my true self that anyone would really want to be around me.  When people try to get close I get confused and avoid them, even though that's not really what I want - so I end up causing this loneliness for myself.

Despite it "sometimes" hurting me, that's only on an off day, usually I just stuff those emotions aside and go on with my day.  Peruse this website and YouTube, pay extra attention to my pets, stuff like that.  Boring introvert stuff.  For the past few days this loneliness has been kind of gnawing at me a bit, and I spent some time looking at my old friends to see what they were up to, and some of them have families, they've done stuff with their lives, you know?  I just don't wanna bother them.  It reminded me that no matter where you are, life goes on, and there's nothing you can really do about it other than try your best to cope with what you've got.

I think a lot of people in the world could use some deep friends, but I just don't think that humans really know how to be friends to one another.  I think that it's kind of an unobtainable dream, like perfect romance, or staying beautiful for the rest of your life.  Friendships are easy and fun when you're a child, but with the responsibilities of adult life, it's not so easy to find and or maintain them.  At this point, I don't even know that I want to.  I think with more repression and work I can cut off that need like a gangrenous limb and will fare okay, but it's not ideal.  I don't think being on one's own in this world is ideal for anyone and if you feel that it is, you're probably just lying to yourself.

I'm not friendship material.  I get it, and I'm almost over it.  And at the end of the day, most other people aren't either.  We don't live in a connected world, it's displaced, it's an epidemic.  Humans will eventually be little islands to themselves, in a sea of other little islands, surrounded by one another, but never truly seeing each other.  That's our destiny.

 

I've met adult friends and formed much deeper connections and more quickly than I did as a kid, I recommend giving it a try, to me everyone seems the same past the surface.

Edited August 8, 2022 by Devin

[Razard86]

3 hours ago, Tyler Robinson said:

I would describe a deep friendship as someone who doesn't judge you, respects you, is available when you need them, doesn't betray you, doesn't ghost you and does not want for superficial reasons or clout chasing. 

 

 

This is a pipedream. If you think this is friendship then you don't know what friendship is. This entire list you gave....is judgment. You are basically saying if someone doesn't fufill all these qualities then they aren't friends when you don't even fulfill this list with your own self. You just violated your own rule by making the list in the first place.

Stop looking for "perfect" friends. A real friendship is understanding that people will let you down, and still sticking by. I've had friends who have betrayed me, and stuck by them. As a result in the future they came through. Sometimes people will let you down, and not because it has something to do with you but because of a fear/insecurity issue they have with themselves. 

I see so many people saying its hard to make friends....its not friends are easy WAYY to easy to make a friend. How to make a friend? Be willing to give and GET NOTHING BACK IN RETURN. When you enter in with that mindset you set yourself apart and as a result the person WANTS to give to you.

[Loba]

1 hour ago, Devin said:

I've met adult friends and formed much deeper connections and more quickly than I did as a kid, I recommend giving it a try, to me everyone seems the same past the surface.

It's not worth the risk of getting hurt again, I don't bounce back from stuff easily.  I would be better off not having anyone at all, then to find people, have them inevitably abandon me and know that it's because I wasn't a good enough friend to them.  People want value from their friendships, I don't really have anything to offer.  We live in a conditional world.  That's life, and I'm fine with it, I get it, I understand it and I'll eventually get over these feelings in a few days and bounce right back.  I'd bounce back sooner, just filling myself up with distractions, than I would come back from losing a friend.

I do think friendship is a need, but I also think people can adapt to all sorts of circumstances - and at the end of the day, we are all connected anyways, I'm just blind to it at the moment, if I could find a way to tap into that again then I would be fulfilled for the rest of my life, tangible humans or no.

[Devin]

6 minutes ago, Loba said:

It's not worth the risk of getting hurt again, I don't bounce back from stuff easily.  I would be better off not having anyone at all, then to find people, have them inevitably abandon me and know that it's because I wasn't a good enough friend to them.  People want value from their friendships, I don't really have anything to offer.  We live in a conditional world.  That's life, and I'm fine with it, I get it, I understand it and I'll eventually get over these feelings in a few days and bounce right back.  I'd bounce back sooner, just filling myself up with distractions, than I would come back from losing a friend.

I do think friendship is a need, but I also think people can adapt to all sorts of circumstances - and at the end of the day, we are all connected anyways, I'm just blind to it at the moment, if I could find a way to tap into that again then I would be fulfilled for the rest of my life, tangible humans or no.

Not everyone is looking to get something back from you, and I don't just mean conscious people, many average people just like company, being with different people is like dining at different restaurants of life, tasting different spices of life.

[Loba]

@Devin Yeah, maybe.  Tbh, once I've set my mind on how it's gunna be it's pretty difficult to change it.  It's how I "feel", and past experience has lead me to believe that this is the way things are.  Also, what if I just suck as a person and I'm doing people a favour by just not getting in the way.  I'm kind of a weird person, you know?

I'll just wait until I'm reunited with my people in the afterlife, then I'll know for sure and the structure and dynamics of reality will be completely different so these things that I feel insecure about in this lifetime won't matter.

I can wait.

[Devin]

3 hours ago, Loba said:

@Devin Yeah, maybe.  Tbh, once I've set my mind on how it's gunna be it's pretty difficult to change it.  It's how I "feel", and past experience has lead me to believe that this is the way things are.  Also, what if I just suck as a person and I'm doing people a favour by just not getting in the way.  I'm kind of a weird person, you know?

I'll just wait until I'm reunited with my people in the afterlife, then I'll know for sure and the structure and dynamics of reality will be completely different so these things that I feel insecure about in this lifetime won't matter.

I can wait.

You seem like a really nice person to talk to to me