Self-worth issues... throwing away opportunities in life.

[PenguinPablo]

In my short 27 years on this planet, I've had tremendous opportunities...

I was obsessed with pickup for some time and I literally got to work alongside some of the top pickup artist in the world. They saw something on me and took a chance. There were several reasons why I left. Some were the pickup guys fault but I also just felt like I wasn't holding up my weight. Next to these guys, I felt like an imposter. So I felt guilty even being around them.

Before this, I was in college for industrial engineering. I failed almost every class one semester (the semester I transferred from community college to a university) and I felt so bad I moved back home with my parents. I felt bad because my mom was working long hours at a factory to help pay for my education (I also took on loans but felt terrible about having her work in a factory, meanwhile I am pissing away the opportunity). In the end, abandoning the 3.5 years of effort I put into my engineering education. 

Now, I am in a similar situation working with very high level people in the solar industry. I've had flashes of excellence over the last month but I have nothing to show for it. The same familiar feeling of unworthiness prevails my mind. Although, here it's worse because you need a certain amount of belief and confidence to do well in sales. Something, I conjure the will to go out and make things happen. But most of the time, I'm dropping the ball. I feel like leaving once again. One of the guys on the team decided to take me under his wing and help me out. Now I feel like an asshole again since I don't feel like I am putting my best foot forward. The urge to abandon this endeavor is blossoming once again.

Emotionally, I kind of feel like moving back with my parents and locking myself in my room for weeks at a time. There's a weird sense of comfort in laying in bed most of the day feeling sorry for myself -- every few days conjuring the will and the vision to strive for excellence. And then relapse. 

I joined this sales team because I felt that the accountability aspect would help. In some ways it has but I have not made any money and I am fucking stressed.

I guess I am trying to find a solution. Whether pragmatic or psychological. I'm not sure what the answer is exactly.

[AtheisticNonduality]

This is probably not a problem with your competence or intelligence or technical skillset but just with your emotions. Your emotions are not lining up with reality, so you'll have feelings of worthlessness no matter how worthy you actually are, which could skew your results and make you unhappy and go into a withdrawing state where you become unmotivated and "laying in bed most of the day feeling sorry" for yourself. So I would suggest a psychological rather than a pragmatic approach.

[Breakingthewall]

are you completely honest with yourself about what you want to do, what you want to give of yourself? Are you sure you're not making other people's goals yours? because perhaps what happens to you is that you, wisely, are rebelling against what you, stupidly, are imposing on yourself

[Razard86]

51 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

are you completely honest with yourself about what you want to do, what you want to give of yourself? Are you sure you're not making other people's goals yours? because perhaps what happens to you is that you, wisely, are rebelling against what you, stupidly, are imposing on yourself

^ This absolutely this. I have been where you are. You don't love what you are doing but you are trying to FORCE yourself to do it. Life is all about flow, if you aren't flowing you aren't doing it right. You can no more FORCE yourself than you can FORCE another.

You have two things you need to figure out.

1. What do you most enjoy doing so much you would do it for FREE!!!

2. How to earn a living doing what you would do for FREE.

If you can pull this off....everyday will be paid to play because if you are enjoying something it isn't work its play. 

[PepperBlossoms]

Keep in mind that every single day, hundreds of opportunities are thrown away.  By doing x, you are throwing away doing a, b, c, d, e, f, g, and on and on.  Situations are always going to be where you could be doing more or better than you are.

Become more okay with things being okay, not super great, but just okay.  The perfect day is never going to arrive, so just enjoy the mediocrity.  Everything has pros and cons, nothing is perfect.  Life has ups and downs and the ups and downs keep on happening.  Even if you get better at handling downs, sure even worse downs could happen.  But all the more reason to keep on getting better at handling the downs.

Everything gets left.  Even if you stuck with engineering, you would have left the field eventually.  Solar will eventually be left.  Everything changes.  Heck, you have left so many things so many times, left a restaurant, left a meal, left a discussion.

You sound pretty similar to what I sound like and I am still struggling with this topic too.

Maybe a more helpful mindset is to think in life in terms of weeks.  If I am going to die at the end of the week, what do I want to do during the time up till then? Then if you are still alive at the end of the week, great, but the next week you could still die at the end of the week.

Life can feel totally pointless yes.  We can come up with a purpose and get excited and then think well shit I don't even care anymore.  I think doing stuff to be in flow state can feel nice... so finding more ways to do that can be helpful.

[Ulax]

https://www.patrickteahantherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/CHILDHOOD-PTSD-QUESTIONNAIRE-FULL-.pdf

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vecmgc4pmOE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwsWGfRHMQE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBA8W3ldPrA

 

get internal family systems therapy 

Edited August 8, 2022 by Raze