Family Issues. Advice Much Appreciated.

[dboyle]

Need to get this off my chest and would really welcome some advice. 

I'm going to be all over the place here. Apologies in advance. 

This is probably gonna be a long story, so sit tight. 

 

When I was 10 years old, my entire family went to our home country to attend a wedding. 

It was awesome at the start. I loved going with my family to another country. All of us together. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I belonged with my family and it was great. 

That happiness was short-lived. 

The night before the wedding, a lot of the beds were taken up at the home we were staying at, and so we shared beds. It was me, my mom and the groom. 

My mom was in the middle of me and the groom. 

I woke up in the middle of the night.

I did not move. 

I heard some noises. 

I opened my right eye. 

And saw my mom on top of the groom. 

She was fucking the groom. 

And she was fucking the groom, while I was in the same motherfucking bed. 

I mean, what the actual fuck? 

What sort of bitch would do that? 

Holy shit. 

 

I managed to get back to sleep. 

I woke up in the morning.

The groom was leaving to get ready for his wedding. 

I heard him say "you're a home wrecker" to my mom. 

Later that morning, I saw my dad. 

He asked me where I slept that night. 

I thought it was really weird that he didn't know where I slept. 

I told him I slept with my mom and the groom in the same bed. 

He asked who was in the middle. 

For some reason, I knew this question to be important. So I answered "I was in the middle". I lied to my dad. And I knew I lied to him. And I lied to him to protect my family. Even now, in my twenties, I have a huge amount of respect for my 10 year old self for doing that. Top kid. I knew that had I said my mom was in the middle, he would know something was going on sexually. I was scared my family was going to break up. I didn't want that to happen. 

Later in the day. I plucked up my 10 year old courage and confronted my mom. The balls on that kid! I asked her about what happened last night. She lied to my face and said that the groom and her were "just talking" and gave me a hug. 

Fucking whore. 

She made a cuckold out of me and my dad. 

 

My mom is a rather volatile person. 

My dad is bigger and stronger than her, but she beats him and slaps him. 

Last year, after she slapped him a few times, he came to me in tears saying he was ready to "kill her" and rip her head off. 

I had to calm him down and tell him that isn't the right thing to do. And just to get a divorce. 

He's still with her. 

He's a big wimp. 

A big pussy. 

Always has been. 

He's a broken man. 

My mom slapped him up a few months ago, and he came up to my room and told me about it. 

What the hell am I gonna do about it, if he's not willing to do anything about it? 

 

I've been living with this secret my entire life. Only now am I telling it, on actualized.org, because I need another perspective on this. 

 

Ive blocked this memorry out of my mind for most of my life, but I've remembered it as I've started meditating and working on personal development.

I'm unsure on my course of action here. 

 

I can't tell the truth of this to my family. 

It will rip and tear the family apart. 

It might even drag my dad to suicide. Like I said, he's broken. 

I'd rather keep this secret than tell them of it. 

For sure my mom never told my dad. 

 

Worse is that the groom and my dad are best friends. 

I saw the groom a few months ago at my grandma's funeral. We played cards. 

Ugh. 

 

One of the worst things is that, everyone thinks we're a normal family. 

But I've seen shit that tells me that we're fucked up. 

Everyone thinks we're the perfect family. 

But man, we've got some skeletons in the closet for sure. 

Everyone sees her as a holy religious person. But deep down she's a psycho. 

 

I regularly think about just disconnecting from my family. 

I think it will be healthier for me. 

Too much baggage. 

Way too many shitty memories. 

Not enough good memories to stay. 

 

Do I need to give them a reason for leaving them if I choose to? Or should I just do it? 

My heads all over the place atm. 

 

She's so nice to us now. 

She was horrible before. 

Used to lock me up the basement. 

Used to beat me. 

I was scared of these Halloween masks when I was a kid, and she knew that, so whenever I did something she never liked, she put on the mask, held me down, and made me stare at the mask. 

Fuck man. That was scary as hell. 

Then this? Putting me through that?

I guess seeing her fucking the groom was my first ever sexual experience. Ugh.  

What would you do? 

Would you just carry on with life with these people as if nothing had happened?

 

Thing is she's so nice now. 

Of course she is. 

I'm now 6 ft 2. 

She can't pin me back anymore. 

Plus, I think she's realised that she'll need people to look after her when she's old. 

She's super nice now. 

 

But the real side of her comes out when she's with my dad. 

Abuses him and everything. 

My dads a broken, broken man. 

 

I will not talk about this with my family. 

I won't reveal all this to them. 

I won't do that to my dad. 

 

I don't like family get togethers. 

Because I know I'm the only person in the room to know that this is all a lie. That this family is broken. And only I know this. 

Christmas with them is bullshit. 

My extended family look at me like "what's wrong". If only they knew the truth. 

But I gotta hold it in. 

I can see that this whole family dynamic is a complete sham! A mirage!

 

Holding it in and staying connected to the family is harsh on me. 

Holding it in and leaving the family will be more just and merciful on my soul, I feel. 

More likely to forget about it that way as well. 

 

So should I just forgive and keep living on with them as if everything is cool. 

Or forgive, and then leave and go on my own? 

Don't wanna go to no therapist or shit. 

Need a course of action. 

Stay, or leave? 

They are family, though. 

What would you do? 

 

(If you've made it all the way here. Thanks. I realise this post was just everywhere and jittery. My apologies)

Thanks in advance

[clytaemnestra]

My mum also had been cheating on my dad. I don't see why it's a big deal to you. Many people nowadays are cheating on each other. I'm completely against it and I'd never cheat, but that's the truth I have to accept, my mother thinks it's okay, thus I opened my mind and accepted that it's okay for her and I let her do in her life what she wants. It doesn't influence me in any way, her body is none of my business.

Sorry for sounding a bit harsh, but it's my honest opinion. Take care of yourself, leave your parents to figure it out on their own.

edit: If you're a grown-up (18+) of course you should leave and live on your own.

Edited February 10, 2017 by clytaemnestra
typo

[Wouter]

@dboyle Disclaimer: I don't have any qualification to answer this (nor personal experience with this kind of situation, nor a  deep understanding of human psychology).

But maybe somehow you already know what to do. When you spontaneously say: "I won't .... as a solution" it's possible that what you really meant is "... comes to my mind but that's very uncomfortable". Living all the time with this situation seems really uncomfortable too, so muster the courage I would say.

 

[Ozero Novastar]

Wow!  I'm sorry that happened to you.  It is quite unfair of your mom to put you in such a position at a young age.  But, you have to realize...you didn't do it.  She did.  And you can't carry around her guilt for her anymore.  Let it all go.  And see if you can help your father let go as well.  Humiliation is a tough thing to get over, especially of the sexual kind.  Obviously, your father trusts you enough to talk about these things with you.  Maybe the two of you can get away together and discuss everything that has gone on in a way that doesn't send either one of you over the edge.  Slowly...carefully and with a lot of love.  Neither of you deserve to carry this shame any longer.  Be well!

[ajasatya]

On 2/10/2017 at 7:33 AM, dboyle said:

I regularly think about just disconnecting from my family. 

I think it will be healthier for me. 

Too much baggage. 

Way too many shitty memories.

not just that. go live your life before you get too old. they won't change unless they suffer enough. and that's their problem.

you don't need to give them a special reason. saying anything about them may sound like an emotional blackmail. you're a strong person. you're bigger than your past. go see the world.

have you ever wondered how it would feel like to walk in solitude near hindu temples in india? this is just one possibility.