Healing in relationship

[Delmo]

My ex used to have a lot of childhood trauma. She where talking about how everyone treated her badly and everyone hated her etc.. 
From my perspective, this was just her playing victim. So i tried to "change her view". By telling her how wrong she is thinking, and talked about my view.
Eventually, she couldn't talk to me about her issues/problems and they started to build up, which lead to  alot of arguments and lose of sexualpassion. And eventually, we broke up.
Now I wonder, what I could have done diffrently.  Obviously, forcing my view on someone didn't work.

How could I help her  heal from those thoughts/emotions? any insights? 

I have watched a lot of YT about relationships.. I even took a course (3k usd), but got kicked out a few days later, because I didn't follow their rules.

From my understanding so far, to heal someone emotionally. I just need to listen & understand them, without making any judgment/ having string attached.
Like genuinely just listen.
How can I do that? without being attached to the outcomes, aka. sex or something else..
 

Edited August 3, 2022 by Delmo

[Delmo]

2 minutes ago, JoeVolcano said:

First do no harm. Stop tinkering.

Sounds like you're trying to get back together with your ex?

I do. But she has moved on, new bf etc.. 

What do you mean by stop tinkering?

[Pavement]

By developing empathy and compassion 

[flowboy]

2 hours ago, Delmo said:

How could I help her  heal from those thoughts/emotions? any insights? 

You can't really heal someone.

Or if you could (help her heal), that's not what was expected of you in a relationship.

That's still coming from the perspective of "fixing" her.

It's quite common when the woman talks about issues, that the man thinks: "how do I fix them?"

She doesn't want to be fixed.

She wants to be heard.

Listened to.

Understood.

Will that make the issues go away?

No.

Sorry.

But then how do I get her to stop thinking that way and having these issues?

You don't.

She is going through emotional roller coasters all the time, anyone in their feminine energy is, and she just needs to talk about them with people she's close to.

Sometimes those things sound like problems for you to fix, but don't be fooled!

Just hear her out and she'll find her own way through.

 

@Delmo If you want to develop your empathy so you do better in your next relationship, an excellent thing you could do is explore the unfelt pains of your own childhood.

Lack of empathy is evidence of childhood trauma.

Why is this so?

Because when we're traumatized, we repress our pain.

When we repress our pain, we can't empathize with others who have similar pains anymore.

(because understanding and feeling their pain would make us feel our own pain, and that can't happen - is what we decided as a survival strategy in childhood)

Break down the repression, now you have empathy again.

Edited August 3, 2022 by flowboy

[Pavement]

You should be aiming to make your partner feel as safe and protected as possible with you.  To a certain extent their suffering becomes your suffering, because you feel sad to see them sad. Otherwise they will feel they they can’t trust you and will withdraw, if you give them the feeling like they are a ‘hindrance’  especially to someone who has traumas. 

one of the best things you can do is to just be there with them, being a rock. 
 

… by the way, if you find all of this hard to do, then you likely have some avoidant attachment going on, since people with a healthy and secure attachment have no difficulties with giving support to a partner. 
 

[Delmo]

35 minutes ago, Pavement said:

You should be aiming to make your partner feel as safe and protected as possible with you.  To a certain extent their suffering becomes your suffering, because you feel sad to see them sad. Otherwise they will feel they they can’t trust you and will withdraw, if you give them the feeling like they are a ‘hindrance’  especially to someone who has traumas. 

one of the best things you can do is to just be there with them, being a rock. 
 

… by the way, if you find all of this hard to do, then you likely have some avoidant attachment going on, since people with a healthy and secure attachment have no difficulties with giving support to a partner. 
 

I was hearing her out at the start, but she just kept bringing up the same event, over and over again.
At one point, I even told her, she liked making herself feel bad. Which later on I realised, it wasen't the best thing to say.. 

But maybe she was trying to teach me something? And maybe I should had helped her dig deeper into why she felt that? I'm not sure..
 

[Delmo]

26 minutes ago, JoeVolcano said:

Like you said, trying to change her or finesse her into some state you deem preferable, doesn't work and can only do harm.

Hmm, makes sense.. I shouldn't have tried to change her feelings.
Maybe a better alternative is to help her tap into her emotions more?
and by building empathy&compasion more.. Like @Pavement said.. 

Do you guys have any tips on how to build more compasion & empathy? 
I do sometimes have hard time relating to other peoples emotions.. 

Edited August 3, 2022 by Delmo

[Bujo]

MDMA 

[NoSelfSelf]

You should  have leave the situation sooner is what you could have done differently

[puporing]

It's a tough one. It is true it isn't strictly your responsibility, it is ultimately her responsibility to heal the trauma. However, people can always aid in the process of someone doing so without burning themselves out. It all depends on your level of comfort/how much you're willing to "give" which is what it boils down to.. There's not really a "right" answer. Sometimes all it takes is one moment of "true love" for someone to heal a deep wound (if the other is also conscious in receiving it). But question is are you ready to give that or even know how/what it looks like?

Figure out how much energy you're willing/capable of giving to someone, and follow that so you can maintain integrity/harmony, defer the rest to other resources/therapists, etc. 

Edited August 4, 2022 by puporing

[flowboy]

15 hours ago, Delmo said:

Do you guys have any tips on how to build more compasion & empathy? 

@Delmo You don't "build" compassion and empathy.

You remove what's in the way of it.

Shadow work would be a good way to do it.

Any instance where you lack empathy is as good a place to start as any.

For example: your ex girlfriend told you that people treated her badly in the past and she felt a certain way about it.

You thought she shouldn't feel that way.

There you go.

That's what's in the way.

1. Where have you not allowed yourself to feel that way?
2. What was that about?
3. How can you bring more empathy and compassion for yourself there?
   What were you trying not to feel, and if you didn't push it away, what would you have to feel?

I guarantee you have felt the feelings that your ex was describing. You're just pushing it away subconsciously.

All you have to do is stop.

It's scary.

That's the way.

[Delmo]

On 04/08/2022 at 7:44 AM, NoSelfSelf said:

You should  have leave the situation sooner is what you could have done differently

At first glance, this looks like "not carrying". So I kinda ignored it, cus I wanted to look like I cared. And I did care, to some extent.. 

But clearly, it wasn't enough. 

I'm kinda struggling of being in the middle, between fully committing to something. Or to just leave it, and let it go, totally. 

@flowboy

Thanks, I have meditation on my thoughts/feelings. I saw there was alot BS going on. Not only for my partner, but myself too. 

Now I'm still not at the point where I can relate to other humans, emotionally. But, I do have a better understanding of myself, and how subconsciously I'm repelling other human beings. And how my actions, the very settle, is effecting them.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Delmo So if there is a heavy rain outside window is open and you are standing there  thinking, should i leave it open or should i close it 

It could make a mess but ill see if it does ?

[Delmo]

40 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Delmo So if there is a heavy rain outside window is open and you are standing there  thinking, should i leave it open or should i close it 

It could make a mess but ill see if it does ?

The thing is, when I started the relationship. It wasn't out of pure love for her. In a sense that she could be any other girl. I choose the relationship more for "self-development" reasons. How much I could tolerate, and if I could make someone feel better and happier. 

It did work at the start. As long as I was happy. 

However, along the way I kinda forgot the purpose, and as my happiness started to go down, I expected her to make me feel good.. and when she didn't, it became a mess. 

Now to leave the window open in a rain. I made that choice, knowing it will be hard.  But I also knew that I could make something good out of it. But along the way, I forgot that I made the choice and I started to panic when I sow the water flowing in the house, forgotten, this is what I signed up for.