Did I mess up or is this an issue with the girl?

[illusory]

I want to learn from this experience so would like to see people’s opinion.

Background the story:

I managed to get a date with this girl who just moved into the country via a dating app, she is petite athletic hot girl who’s a part time model.

Went on 4 dates with her in total, she said the first date was perfect for her, I stuck to cheap/free dates. On Date 3 we had sex twice and got a random BJ after those, and she went back to her hostel.

For some reason she never wanted to sleep over. On the 4th date this time round she didn’t want to have sex, so we just had kissing/cuddle session claiming she was too tired and a bunch of other excuses, and again didn’t want to stay over. I guess I was a bit sad because she kept mentioning I have sad puppy eyes lol.

She kept asking me if we are g/f and b/f and after the 3rd time she said that I told her: “I don’t know, I do like you, do you want to be my girlfriend?”, and she smiled and said I don’t know I need to think about it (why bother asking me then?)

We had a 5th date planned already in 2 days’ time, but on the 4th date she mentioned she was seeing me too much (as all this happened in the span of a week), I said I like to seeing my girl a few times a week and she said she would try to adapt but only saw her ex once a week, she also said give me time to adapt.

Now I’d like to mention this girl was super seductive, starting onwards from the second date she would bite my hand when I reach out for something in a sexy way, she would grab my arm and hold me like a g/f, she even let me squeeze her butt on a few occasions. I remember in a PUA video that if a girl is super into you very fast it’s a red flag right?

Some red flags about her:

she told me she dated a guy just to learn a language from him then broke up with him (they were young and didn’t have sex) she once cheated on her ex (was young), she had 5-6 one night stands but wasn’t looking for a ONS with me. She was living with an abusive boyfriend that used to beat her up (slamming her to the ground and choking her) and she had scars on her upper arm where she cut herself.

Core issue:

So the day before we were going to meet up, I said you know since you’re mentioned you’re seeing me too much let’s cancel tomorrow and meet up another time, I’ll meet up with a friend instead. (I guess this where people might consider I messed up but I was just trying to give her space).

I got a text back saying “I had made plans to see you and I was going to give you what you want (sex) and stay over, but have fun with your friend”.

So I called her out on why she’s mentioning sex in response like that, I thought she wanted some space, she said she doesn’t like arguing so with a bit of back and forth we agreed to still meet for next day.

At night she messaged we had a normal conversation, we were kind of talking about a future and then she suddenly brought up how we will argue all the time, like how I argued with her today (I don’t even consider it an argument).

I replied “look I was only trying to give you space” which she instantly replied “we shouldn’t meet anymore; I’m so done with this.”

And that was that, a few back and forth messages me trying to get her back but she just persisted with the there’s no future for us and she’s done with the arguing. Then she went quiet for a bit.

I sent one last message that was trigger intended she replied two days later for whatever reason, and she ended it with “so please stop texting me” lol, but didn’t block me, I don’t get it just block if you don’t want a guy to contact you.

In my mind I just said your wish is my command mi lady and ghosted her, no response.

Conclusion:

Obviously I am/was very hurt because I was totally f**king infatuated with her and because we had 4 really fun dates and I was completely in disbelief to her reaction about the argument.

Is she going to break up with every guy she has a hint of disagreement with? Is she expecting perfection in a relationship? She tolerated an abusive b/f but I’m too much?

No doubt this girl has a lot of options so I considered I’m already replaced.

So did I mess up or is this girl just crazy?

[something_else]

It’s always hard to tell with only one side of the story but she sounds pretty toxic, I’d say move on

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_KFI486R9s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XYfkebFHwQ

 

[illusory]

57 minutes ago, something_else said:

It’s always hard to tell with only one side of the story but she sounds pretty toxic, I’d say move on

I tried to be as accurate as possible but had to delete some detail/fluff as it was getting too long. thanks for the opinion.

29 minutes ago, Raze said:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_KFI486R9s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XYfkebFHwQ

 

Watched the first video but its not relative to what I mentioned above, she was looking for a serious relationship, I jokingly mentioned i'd be down for an open relationship a couple of times which she said no to. As for the second video pretty sure shes done with her ex and they are far from each other.

Edited August 2, 2022 by illusory

[Ulax]

@illusory Ye dude i get psychologically unintegrated vibes from her. some of her behaviour just seems off.

Move on i reckon. Shame tho she sounded sexy af 

[NoSelfSelf]

I mean whats obvious to me is that you dont understand that woman are changing minds all the time based on her mood so its weird to her when you didnt want to meet and you going for what she wanted which you never do ...and spenting too much time is true because she needs time to think about you two but if shes offering you what you want why pass on that ?

[illusory]

15 minutes ago, Ulax said:

@illusory Ye dude i get psychologically unintegrated vibes from her. some of her behaviour just seems off.

Move on i reckon. Shame tho she sounded sexy af 

yeah she was hot af for me, why are all the difficult ones hot and all the normal girls normal looking haha.

I could share a temporary image of her here, but that might be a breach of privacy, not sure.

5 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

I mean whats obvious to me is that you dont understand that woman are changing minds all the time based on her mood so its weird to her when you didnt want to meet and you going for what she wanted which you never do ...and spenting too much time is true because she needs time to think about you two but if shes offering you what you want why pass on that ?

Yeah i didnt think it will blow up like this though, i guess if it didnt blow up that day it would have blown up another day. Yup definitly forfeited some extra sex haha what a shame.

[NoSelfSelf]

@illusory Its all good making yourself priority number 1 and her number 5 is whats the lesson here imo...

Not doing what she wants but where you want it to go number 2

Number 3 Dont become clingy because you got little bit of action

[illusory]

4 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@illusory Its all good making yourself priority number 1 and her number 5 is whats the lesson here imo...

Not doing what she wants but where you want it to go number 2

Number 3 Dont become clingy because you got little bit of action

I remember Leo saying girls become invested after sex, boy sure not in this case.

I don't think i was clingy, i wasn't* bothered whether i'll see her in one day or 5 days later, but i am bothered by it abruptly ending, that sucks for sure.

Edited August 2, 2022 by illusory

[NoSelfSelf]

@illusory with clingy i meant doing aloot of stuff this early...

What do you want she offered sex again ? you have some big expectations of them...

[Ulax]

21 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@illusory with clingy i meant doing aloot of stuff this early...

I don't see that as being clingy. I think its cool to desire whatever you want to desire.

Its just clingy if you need her to fulfil your sense of self esteem by doing something, imo

[Ulax]

35 minutes ago, illusory said:

yeah she was hot af for me, why are all the difficult ones hot and all the normal girls normal looking haha.

Lol i dont think that's that true. I think its just you see more overt signs of it quicker with hotter girls cos society puts up with it more.

[Ulax]

Just now, JoeVolcano said:

I think your mistake was not answering yes or no when she asked if you're bf gf now.  Instead you bounced it back to her. Wasn't she already clear from the beginning that she was into you and looking for a serious relationship? What are you doing not giving her a clear answer when she asks you outright? What are you doing joking about an open relationship? How is she going to have any confidence that you're serious after that? Why would she want to waste any more time with you after that?

I don't agree.

When did she ask him outright and he didn't give a clear answer?

What's wrong with joking in that situation? It doesn't automatically mean OP isn't serious. If she had an issue with his joking about it she could have brought it up.

I don't see why you've asked that last question either

[illusory]

11 minutes ago, JoeVolcano said:

I think your mistake was not answering yes or no when she asked if you're bf gf now.  Instead you bounced it back to her. Wasn't she already clear from the beginning that she was into you and looking for a serious relationship? What are you doing not giving her a clear answer when she asks you outright? What are you doing joking about an open relationship? How is she going to have any confidence that you're serious after that? Why would she want to waste any more time with you after that?

about open relation i was being playful, and showing her i dont need commitment. It was an appropriate joke at the right time right conversation.

For the relationship, not being bad, but 3 and 4th date is weird to ask me to be your boyfriend when I clearly (as known now) didnt know this girl enough.

Actually she was never pissed off at me for any of these things, the switch happen after I a) said we shouldnt meet to give her space and b) because i called her out on mentioning sex when I tried to cancel the date.

40 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@illusory with clingy i meant doing aloot of stuff this early...

What do you want she offered sex again ? you have some big expectations of them...

I was clearly trying to do less and look where that got me!!

On the 4th date that i invited her the night before she said she kind of misses me, so i invited her and she said yes i want some hugs and kisses, and came over even tho we had 5th date planned. So she was both up for seeing me and also complaining about seeing me.

Honestly i think she plays games but doesn't even realise it???

[illusory]

Another thing i want to make clear:

she did say that she told me she would have sex with me and stay over on our next date, but i dont remember it, if she did it was probably an ambiguous one like "maybe next time".

So when she texted me back saying "i was going to give you what you want and stay over but have fun with your friend" i felt like she was sort of attacking me and using sex as a weapon, like a "oh you just lost out on sex huh how do you feel". kind of remark.

Edited August 2, 2022 by illusory

[illusory]

15 minutes ago, JoeVolcano said:

She didn't ask you to marry her or anything. Obviously I can only go by what you write, but to me it sounds like she just wanted to know if you were serious about her or not, and that you continually refused to be clear about your intent. And so she had to cut her losses and move on. If it were the other way around, you would have accused her of leading you on.

You said you joked about open relationships multiple times and each time she had to tell you no.

Showing her you don't need commitment? Commitment is not neediness. Commitment is what she was asking you for, but you were too preoccupied with portraying yourself a certain way, and in doing so you were blind to her, failed to respond to her, and failed to be decisive.

What's that all about? You don't commit to her UNTIL SEX, because she doesn't commit to you UNTIL SEX. You already had all the sex and BJ's you could ask for in the span of 4 dates, what more did you want? She asked for commitment and you essentially kept her hanging, and not just once. She's not the one playing games, YOU ARE!

By the time she said she needed space, the damage was already done. That's why she needed space. Nobody needs space after only 4 dates, that's just her way of saying that it went south. She's not goint to tell you outright, she's not going to lead. Just saying how it sounds to me. You never actually saw her. And you failed to lead.

 

And this surprised you...

This isn't the case at all. I told her many times I'm looking for a serious relationship. I can assure you she was very happy when I said I like you, do you want to be my girlfriend. She had the biggest smile.

Tone it down with the passive aggressiveness or i won't respond anymore to you directly, honestly you coming across a little jealous or something.

If the thread is making you emotional go read something else.

Edited August 2, 2022 by illusory

[illusory]

11 minutes ago, JoeVolcano said:

Are you out of your mind?

Why? She is a model dude, she shares her photos on facebook and instagram. Calm the F down. Obviously I'm not linking to her directly as i dont want anyone to go over there and message or something.

If you think i wasn't serious I'll also add i offered her my place to crash out until she finds her studio apartment she was seeking, if she didnt like the hostel but she said she likes the hostels.

Edited August 2, 2022 by illusory

[illusory]

1 minute ago, JoeVolcano said:

Just to point out what she might have thought about your attitude in all this. Going by what you write, I'm not surprised about her final text. Just saying dude. I couldn't care less, just trying to get through to you.

If I'm totally misjudging the situation, then fair enough.

My trigger text was definately not nice, so I won't claim to be an angel, but it was just that a trigger text to see she would respond. And the only time I was mean to her as far as I know.

But i'll reiterate it was 4 good dates, that she was happy on and praised.

What's wrong admitting i lost sex? I did, and she pointed that out herself.

[Ulax]

2 minutes ago, illusory said:

What's wrong admitting i lost sex? I did, and she pointed that out herself.

I don't see anything wrong with it

[illusory]

30 minutes ago, JoeVolcano said:

@illusory Nothing wrong with it, the point is your obvious attitude towards it and the fact that you don't get how this could blow up in your face.

Believe me I don't easily take the girl's side in these things. I'm stupid but not that stupid. But this isn't about her.

You're the one asking for help here. All you should care about is where you might have messed up.

I am here to see where I messed up, whether people think I messed up or the girl overreacted.

Mainly I narrowed it down to declining the date and calling her out on the sex thing, whether people agree with this or think she overreacted.

You see there’s a lot of PUA advice about how you should back away and let the girl chase a little or as Leo said a woman is only invested after sex, both those advices didn’t apply here.

I thought it was a good time to back away as she was complaining about seeing me.

But I know if someone says "oh it’s because you talked about open relationship that's why" I know it’s wrong, because I said that before I even slept with her.

Opinions need to be filtered out too as they are not all equally valid.

If my attitude wasn't right, I doubt she would have slept with me. I made sexual jokes and she seemed to enjoy it.

and as far I'm aware this a dating and sexuality forum, PUA stuff right? So why the moralities.

I don’t want moralities advice here, it is not welcome, only PUA perspective where i went wrong, couldn't care less about people's opinion on what is right or wrong morals, as long as I don't break the law, I don’t care.

You also claimed I didn't lead, actually I lead through the whole dates, i took her everywhere I showed her all the main attractions of the city, the dates were 100% me besides going with her to one studio viewing.

You think I was playing games and not her, like i said I left some fluff details out, but after she broke things off with me and I was messaging her she even said she saw Studio flat near my place and thought how convenient it would be to come to my area, why would you say that to a guy you're no longer interested in?

I think there is even a 50% chance this girl could contact me in the future (wouldn't be the first time after a date ended things with me) and as she didn’t block me after the mean trigger message, however because she's pretty and has a lot of options maybe that % will be much lower ngl.

Edited August 3, 2022 by illusory