How to deal with my toxic brother?

[Someone here]

My big brother is a very toxic person .and our relationship with each other is completely neurotic and fucked up .

he rarely ever truly take responsibility for his negative actions (rarely apologize, almost always see himself the victim and everything/everyone else as the villains, blames others when something bad happens, etc.).
he very quickly resort to anger, aggression, and violence (even at extreme levels) when something bad happens or he don't get what they want.
he  doesn't really do anything for anyone else..he mostly only care about themselves.
 He hates having responsibilities (being financially responsible, cooking and cleaning, handling adult responsibilities on his own, etc.).
he is  naturally drawn to drama and start drama themselves.
He is  not charitable..most acts of service he does to eventually get what he want from the person he helps.
he have a toxic pessimistic mindset.
Whenever im are around him or hang out with him, i find my energy levels quickly drop.

i find myself having to "walk on eggshells" around him to make sure that nothing gets himin a bad mood .I must always be perfect, but he doesn’t have to be at all
10.he keeps complaining about how bad things are for him while ignoring all the things he is doing that are causing those bad things to happen .
He is blatantly hypocritical (ex. I hate when people yell at me and bully me, but I'll immediately start yelling at you and bully you if we ever get in an argument).

Now I can't just cut him out of my life ..he Is my big brother ..I live with him and I'm somewhat financially dependent on him ..but at the same time I can't stand it anymore..I'm sick of having to fight with him every single funking day over the most trivial shit possible. 

Any advice? 

[Someone here]

Up. 

[at_anchor]

@Someone here Accept that your brother is not gonna change for life and that hopefully you will one day live without him and get all the things you deserve for being responsible and putting up with such an asshole!

[Delmo]

Just know it's a decision you have to make.

To either stay with him and accept him for whom he is, and make the best out of it. And acknowledge that he is meeting your needs, and become more loving towards him.  

Or you can stand on your own feet and become financially independent so you can have the option to walk away.

Both approaches are fine, and you can be both financially independent but also choosing to stay with him. 

Now I don't know how old you are, but for me, I value independency more. Because of the freedom it brings. 

What do You value? Family or independency? Or both? 

The more clear you are, the easier the decision will be, and to make it happen.

Edited August 29, 2022 by Delmo

[Shakazulu]

Sure you can sit around but sometimes aggressive people need to be put in their place. If you sit around and take his shit, he will continue to treat you anyway he desires. I’m not staying you have to start a fist fight with him but he might not respect you until you are willing to fight. The kid in the school yard who gets bullied is the one who’s not willing to defend himself. 

[petar8p]

You move the fuck out and skyrocket in life by surrounding yourself with positive and ambitious people!

 

 

[universe]

It's important that you "get over" this kind of relationship. If it's bad for you.

Here is how its done.

What not to do:

-Giving him too much space in your head, thinking about him, judging him.

-Running away from him, being afraid of him.

 

To get over this, you got to forgive your brother. Go through all the judgements you make against him and see where you yourself do the same. Then forgive yourself. Release all your feelings of hate, resentment and so on you have about him.

Then when you're done you will feel kind of at ease with the situation.

Even though the situation didn't change.

You just grew out of it.

You can still distance yourself from him but it won't feel forced. It will feel natural.

[Breakingthewall]

think of him as a guy who is sick and suffering. his life is hell, and over the years his levels of dissatisfaction and suffering will reach high levels. like a lot of other people. surely he will not begin to understand that the problem is in him and will continue looking for external causes. think of him as a guy who has a curse: a life from hell. have mercy on him, help him if you can, if he yells at you, take it as a manifestation of his serious mental illness, do not take the insults personally. do not have thoughts of hostility towards him. if you see him as a sick person (which is true) you will see how his attitudes stop affecting you by 90%

 

[Jannes]

2 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

think of him as a guy who is sick and suffering. his life is hell, and over the years his levels of dissatisfaction and suffering will reach high levels. like a lot of other people. surely he will not begin to understand that the problem is in him and will continue looking for external causes. think of him as a guy who has a curse: a life from hell. have mercy on him, help him if you can, if he yells at you, take it as a manifestation of his serious mental illness, do not take the insults personally. do not have thoughts of hostility towards him. if you see him as a sick person (which is true) you will see how his attitudes stop affecting you by 90%

 

Yes thats true but there has to be a pragmatic solution first. Stand up to him or leave him. After that you can practice love. If you do it before it will just because an excuse to not make a bold decision and not authentic love. 
Also respect and love yourself. See how much your brother destroys your mind. Do you want? Do you love yourself enough to change things?