I have this huge fear after sleeping with women..

[Illusory Self]

I find even after sleeping with women, I can't let myself let loose and actually talk to them. I have this really bad fear of saying the wrong thing, even over text. I don't even enjoy the sex that much anymore, like this fear of even being around women seems really bad. I am always so afraid that she is judging me or trying to test me and anything that I say may alter her opinions of me. It is the feeling of not being comfortable being myself. Perhaps it is because quite a few women have rejected me in the past even after sex and I am afraid of making the same mistakes again. 

I don't even feel comfortable with my sexuality around women, I am super afraid of being dominant and taking control because it is another fear of doing the wrong thing. It is almost like I am living in a constant state of fear never knowing what to say to people. A girl came over to mine last night and it feels so strange being with her, like I am not really used to people liking me. Outside my family. It is like I want to offer her a good personality and I always perceive myself as boring and don't enjoy socializing. 

I also have this neediness problem, expecting validation from others. 

I think it is probably worse after sleeping with a woman though, it makes me feel very afraid. I feel very raw, open & vulnerable. I have this horrible relationship with myself of really hating myself so I guess when someone else likes me it feels strange. I don't really know how to make of it. I have very bad inner game and get caught up in lots of negative thought spirals throughout the day.

The worst is after I have seen her a few times, I never know what to text? or when? or what to say? Huge fear of saying the wrong thing I guess even after she likes me.. sometimes I even secretly hope that she does reject me because it will take a lot of pressure off. I am scared of the rejection because of the suffering it might cause. 

It is like I am in a constant battle with myself in trying to say the perfect thing to avoid rejection. I really don't know how to be around women.. even after I sleep with them.. I don;t really know who myself is.. I want to have a good time with them but it is hard because I am in my head a lot. I am guessing this is childhood trauma but it seems to keep resurfacing and I don't really know how to heal my inner world.

[Federico del pueblo]

@Illusory Self Have you tried to work with a therapist?

Your issues sound like more serious stuff that is the consequence of trauma, some help might be really good for you.

Just sayin.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oLNXJqSRyU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuvK9BjSO6o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIsy_HSHkKo

[puporing]

Notice all the false ideas you might have of who you really are, notice they're mostly adopted from others as you were growing up.

Make a commitment to discover who you really are, who are you when you drop the conditioning, projections from "others"? Keep looking and looking until you can't go further. What you are before the thoughts and stories of who you are, and more . 

And then one day you are free from "the other" and their projections and you notice them for what they really are, just more projections that have no real bearing on your true nature.

You can still play along at that point but deep down you know yourself as radiant perfection. 

Edited August 2, 2022 by puporing