Journal - Life Updates

[Juan]

Experimenting with journaling here, I’ll still keep my deepest secrets elsewhere. 
 

So it’s been a month since I started a new job on a health store, I was being late with my rent (3 months to be exact), been stuck on finish some art commissions on time so that is why I look up for a job that I could relate. 
 

Since 2019 I been forcefully working on some healing process, if you see my first posts here on the forum, you’ll see that I was being WAY too out of touch with reality and being suicidal. I’m doing WAY a lot better now thanks to ayahuasca and people who guided me well to heal, there is still a lot to work on me tho, forever but, at least less neurotic and more connected with Being than ever before.

 

My plan right now is just to make some money to satisfy some material needs, hopefully I’ll get some vacations or free time during the holidays so I can keep doing a couple of more ceremonies to heal, I’m not in a hurry like at first tho. Will be on the job at least a year, keep doing art freelance also. I hope to inspire others to keep going and show there is hope on our fkn darkest days, you just gotta dive deep inside of you, where all answers lies there. ?????

[Juan]

54 minutes ago, Juan said:

So it’s been a month since I started a new job on a health store, I was being late with my rent (3 months to be exact), been stuck on finish some art commissions on time so that is why I look up for a job that I could relate. 

I’ll add, I was also on deny to have a 2nd job, is been 5 years since around finale 2017 that I decided to be a full time artist and it just sky rocket there, I just had to do some pauses since some disconnection and suicidal episodes in my life back on 2019. 
 

On summary, for some reason, when I purchase my flight tickets to continue my art career with a friend on New York (October from 2018), I disconnected from myself. How? Idk still today, it felt like, and this is gonna sound weird ok? It felt like as if “consciousness” disconnected from my head, as if my “awareness or consciousness” was unplug from my mind or brain and I became autopilot, it felt like if you turned the light of your room/awareness off.

 

I roll with it for a month, I used to do a lot of law of attraction, meditation and affirmation everyday (at least mostly) since I was 18 (now I’m 26), and after purchase that flight, I just felt like if a “magnetism of consciousness” was pulled off my mind or head, I know this is weird to explain but that is how it felt.

 

When I came back  to my country after a month of try to survive on NY, had to change all my plans, couldn’t met nor live with my friend, I was still feeling the same so I started to work with my natural resources that I know: do camping on nature, do Temazcal, do low doses of some psychedelics, yoga kundalini, etc…NONE of them worked! And I was being vegan even before this happened (vegan since 2018 before the flight, din’t felt any of this before).  
 

So on january of 2019 I did for the first time DMT smoked with a few friends. If I recall well, not sure, maybe the person who offered the substance (the setting was on her apartment in front literally from the beach so it was safe, she had some dogs on her room tho), mixed a bit of marihuanna on the DMT.
 

To sum up the trip story, after the 3rd hit, the first thing I saw was some doctors repairing my “mind or head”, or doing some kind of work, as if they understood what was going on and I was having a surgery... I saw all my life like a movie clip that could take infinite path and choices, when the dogs on the room barked I could see them on multiple colors running all over my head I guess. The thing is that by the end of the trip, I saw like my “3rd eye on a purple fire” (like the fire eye character from Lord of the Ring) burning and after the trip. The first few hours of the trip felt “ok”, you feel maybe like a fkn rockstar or at least that is how I felt, but I knew deeply that something wasn’t right, I was acting a bit arrogant I guess or narcissistic. On the around 2nd day, as soon as I woke up, I started to have suicidal thoughts automatically, like, I just woke up like that, and that is where I started to write here on the forum seeking for help and look up for professional help and they told me I was having a severe PTSD episode and depersonalization symptoms, I even started to lose hair by how stressed I was on those conditions! It was very fucked up and distorted all my perception on those times. 
 

That same year I started to work with ayahuasca and after my 1st session, the suicidal thoughts stopped, what happened there I think I’ll leave it on another post, but it was HARD tho. ???

Edited August 1, 2022 by Juan

[Juan]

I’ll add this important detail but I had a history of porn addiction and masturbation, so when I got really bad on those times as previously sayed, everything got worsen, and you could said I was already a very social guy and still am. I have to talk with people on the art gallery expos in order to expand my connections, had a “ok/good” number of people I had hooked up with (nowadays I have to work more with that, focusing on making a lot of money first and feel independent enough so I can get my first car). Had gotten better tho thanks to the healing process.?????

Edited August 1, 2022 by Juan