Any advice on getting my wife to love me?

[Ben_P]

I’ll try not to bore everyone for too long, basically ive been with my partner for 11 years (4 years married) and we’ve grown apart almost completely, we’re just roommates at this point. She’s at the point where she’s so fed up she doesn’t even want to try and make it work as she believes it to be pointless, understandably due to the fact we’ve drifted many times and never properly become intimate, at least for very long. It’s make or break now and I was hoping for some advice on how I can at least get her to consider making our relationship work. I believe it can work but we both have to change and grow. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.  

[Raze]

What is the primary issue? Is there no longer sexual passion? Do you resent each other for emotional reasons?

[Ben_P]

There’s is no passion at all, we don’t resent each other though. We both take responsibility for our failings, we’ve just gone completely stale, we’ve fallen down the slippery slope a few times but this will be the last opportunity to repair it. I’m prepared to change drastically, but her mind is closed and she’s emotionally shut down. 

[Raze]

@Ben_P get a good relationship counselor, like from the Gottman institute 

read beyond mars and venus

try the “make a relationship passionate” video here http://davidtianphd.com/masterclass-content/

[Ben_P]

@Raze Thanks for your help, I’ll have a look in to it. 

[r0ckyreed]

Read John Gorman’s book Making Marriage Work and implement the 7 principles he lays out. It is very enlightening. Gave me a brilliant point of view. Wish you the best.

Edited July 31, 2022 by r0ckyreed

[mr_engineer]

This will happen if you don't have kids. 

[Eph75]

@Ben_P

Having kids fixes nothing.

Although, kids do distract from being a couple, filling time with reactivity around others instead of focus on being a couple, and when the kids start living their own lives, and ultimately fly the coup, you're likely not to have much if a connection left, if there wasn't one before having kids. 

That is, if the relationship doesn't break by the stress, challenges and conflicts adding kids into the mix brings. 

A relationship takes active work, mutual work. 

You can maintain a relationship by yourself (single-sided), but your efforts won't last, or your individuality is likely to be lost in the process, or grow resentment while doing so. 

One of the problems with active work in a relationship, is that you're likely to become aware of this once it's "too late", and a certain amount of bagage or shadow had been accumulated, which need to be dealt with, on top of the active efforts towards building qualities that support relationship building.

Polarization has already happened, you have grown apart, instead of closer to eachother, and there's likely to be some sense of prestige around not being the one to surrender one's stand, that prevent collaboration.

Essentially, both need to surrender from all prestige, into investing in the relationship for it to become a healthy one. 

There's another angle to this though, that the polarization might be warranted, as a result of growing apart based on incompatibility. So blindly working hard to fix a relationship for the sake of the social expectations of not failing a relationship, or fears related to this, isn't a good enough reason to invest.

You might be able to fix that which is breaking, or broken, but you can't fix what never was.

There are some honest, difficult questions to ask ourselves here.

What are the main challenges you see, those that you have to overcome, and those that you see your partner needs to overcome, for you to imagine your relationship rekindling through deeper sense of connection? 

[flowboy]

15 hours ago, Ben_P said:

I’ll try not to bore everyone for too long, basically ive been with my partner for 11 years (4 years married) and we’ve grown apart almost completely, we’re just roommates at this point. She’s at the point where she’s so fed up she doesn’t even want to try and make it work as she believes it to be pointless, understandably due to the fact we’ve drifted many times and never properly become intimate, at least for very long. It’s make or break now and I was hoping for some advice on how I can at least get her to consider making our relationship work. I believe it can work but we both have to change and grow. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.  

Hey Ben, sorry to hear you are going through this.

I've recently had the experience of successfully rekindling a relationship that seemed lost, so I'll tell you what I did.

1. I showed her how I've changed, in that what was important to her is important to me now, and I understand what I didn't understand about her perspective before.
   You haven't shared a lot about what her frustrations with you or with the relationship are, this is terribly important that you understand those very well.
   Then you can make changes and show her that you understand now and have grown.
   For me that involved doing shadow work and deep introspection.
   If you want more detailed advice, you'll have to share more details of her perspective, what she wants and why she got frustrated.
   I hope you are doing deep introspection, otherwise I would say there is no hope.
2. We took MDMA. After I did step one, she was open to discussing a future but not sure about it yet. At this point she was open to do a psychedelic journey with me, and we picked the absolute best chemical there is to emotionally process and resolve barriers between people.

Best of luck!

Edited August 1, 2022 by flowboy

[meadow]

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

Hey Ben, sorry to hear you are going through this.

I've recently had the experience of successfully rekindling a relationship that seemed lost, so I'll tell you what I did.

1. I showed her how I've changed, in that what was important to her is important to me now, and I understand what I didn't understand about her perspective before.
   You haven't shared a lot about what her frustrations with you or with the relationship are, this is terribly important that you understand those very well.
   Then you can make changes and show her that you understand now and have grown.
   For me that involved doing shadow work and deep introspection.
   If you want more detailed advice, you'll have to share more details of her perspective, what she wants and why she got frustrated.
   I hope you are doing deep introspection, otherwise I would say there is no hope.
2. We took MDMA. After I did step one, she was open to discussing a future but not sure about it yet. At this point she was open to do a psychedelic journey with me, and we picked the absolute best chemical there is to emotionally process and resolve barriers between people.

Best of luck!

On point 2, I would also consider doing a low dose of acid together in a beautiful setting. 

It can help you to see the beauty of each other again and will make it easier to be truthful as well as to communicate with loving intentions.

Also, I find it beautiful that you are not giving up. That passion will be worth a lot, it seems to me. Let it show! 

[Ben_P]

@Eph75 @meadow thanks for the advice, I have been introspecting a lot, I need to change my ways enormously and so does she. We got too comfortable and lost our passion, and now we’re losing connection. I’ve managed to get her talking to me a bit  more, I’ve been paying attention to her and changed some unhealthy habits we’ve got stuck in. We need to learn how to grow together if we’re going to succeed. I would try psychedelics but my workplace have random drugs tests unfortunately.

I want us to get our passion back but she’s turned quite masculine over the years, probably as a result of our neglect for each other, it also feels like I’m living with a teenager sometimes, she shuts herself away, puts earphones in and wears unattractive clothes. If we’re gonna get anywhere we’ve got a ton of work to do, but I do believe it’s possible to get her to work with me in time. 

[Ulax]

On 01/08/2022 at 10:24 AM, flowboy said:

I hope you are doing deep introspection, otherwise I would say there is no hope.

1. We took MDMA. After I did step one, she was open to discussing a future but not sure about it yet. At this point she was open to do a psychedelic journey with me, and we picked the absolute best chemical there is to emotionally process and resolve barriers between people.

Best of luck!

@flowboy Damn. That sounds like a smart af to deal with that situation.

Edited August 2, 2022 by Ulax

[JTisyouisme]

I don’t know your details but buy the book hold me tight, by dr. Sue Johnson. And read it together and do the work

[Eph75]

@Ben_P

The pairing up on books tip as @JTisyouisme mentions I think is a good one. 

I've done it myself, started off with "Attached" by Amir Levine to help my wife to see her avoidant behavior. 

She would never have read book though, so I set up to listen to the audiobook when we were doing a trip by car to a neighboring city. 

We didn't make it through the entire book, and I thought she would ask me to switch to some music or something else, but she sat quiet for a long while, and then she started to identify with what was being said, analyzer herself, and speculate why she does what she does, without me poking or pushing her. 

That trip was reconnecting for us, creating depth. 

We've also listened a bit to 5 Languages of Love around that time, but didn't make it through, as it was only on the car she would "surrender" to consuming. 

I had read these before this, and found them good, so I wanted to bring her into it, and have something common to share and stand on, that could be referenced back to, to create deeper understanding and to reflect upon.

My life is an example where relationship work is single-sided. If I relax or have other struggles going on, the relationship deteriorates, and we drift apart. 

It used to be frustrated about this "drifting apart", which essentially was her emotionally, moving further away from me. 

But having the "Attached" experience with her made me get a deeper understanding and acceptance for the phenomena, not theoretical but actual, and an understanding for her not being able to control it.

And maybe most of all, an understanding that it does not have anything to do with me, which it always used to show up as, me being wrong, having done something wrong, etc, but when talked about, there was no substance behind it. It was a building need for her to pull away that was acting up, efficiently creating conflict that pushed me away.

This understanding changed a lot for me, in many ways, much to complex and deep to go into here. And, it forever changed the dynamics in the relationship. 

Of course, not saying that there are attachments playing up in your relationshio as well, this is me and my wife, but it could be the case. 

The greater point is the power of the joint venture, co-listening to books and talking, exploring, with curiosity for one and another, in the process. 

Edited August 3, 2022 by Eph75

[Razard86]

On 8/2/2022 at 4:06 AM, Ben_P said:

@Eph75 @meadow thanks for the advice, I have been introspecting a lot, I need to change my ways enormously and so does she. We got too comfortable and lost our passion, and now we’re losing connection. I’ve managed to get her talking to me a bit  more, I’ve been paying attention to her and changed some unhealthy habits we’ve got stuck in. We need to learn how to grow together if we’re going to succeed. I would try psychedelics but my workplace have random drugs tests unfortunately.

I want us to get our passion back but she’s turned quite masculine over the years, probably as a result of our neglect for each other, it also feels like I’m living with a teenager sometimes, she shuts herself away, puts earphones in and wears unattractive clothes. If we’re gonna get anywhere we’ve got a ton of work to do, but I do believe it’s possible to get her to work with me in time. 

Best channel on how to maintain attraction, and to rekindle it. The book is great also. Atomic Attraction. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQlIi1_uWqo&ab_channel=DevelopAttraction

You need to understand the psychology of attraction. Its one of the most important concepts you will ever learn its applicable in basically every endeavor in life. 

Edited August 3, 2022 by Razard86